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  • #91
    A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help
    me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started." Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a
    rooster." Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then
    turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going
    to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.
    He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's
    have a nice cup of tea, and then....." he said with a deep sigh ....










    "............Let's put all these Corn Flakes back in the box."
    Spara

    'Early to bed and early to rise --
    Till you get enough money to do otherwise.'

    Comment


    • #92
      A pakastani walks into a employment agency to get assesed for a job,
      He was not going well.
      Last question was to make a sentence including the colours green, pink, and yellow.
      He thought for a moment and said "im ready"
      "ok" says his assessor.

      " the phone goes 'green green, green green' so I 'pink' up the phone and say 'yellow this is Mundjiba'"..!!!
      Yep, he got a job in a call centre.

      ps. You probably spoke to him the last time you rung Telstra.
      Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.
      W. C. Fields (1880 - 1946)

      Comment


      • #93
        Medical fact.

        There is a nerve that connects the eyes to the anus.
        Its called the Anal Optic Nerve.

        Don't believe me?
        Pull a hair out of your Ar*e and see if it brings a tear to your eyes?
        Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.
        W. C. Fields (1880 - 1946)

        Comment


        • #94
          Another Medical fact,

          You cant lick your own elbow,

          And you shouldn't hold farts in?.
          They travel up your spine and that's were sh!tty ideas come from........


          ----------------------------------------

          Why don't women fart as much as men?
          They talk too much so cant build up the back pressure.........

          ----------------------------------------

          I dont think i offended every1
          Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.
          W. C. Fields (1880 - 1946)

          Comment


          • #95
            Brokeback Mountain

            A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted
            wife. She was determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about
            ranching, so she placed an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
            Two cowboys applied for the job. one was gay and the other a drunk.

            She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied
            she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have
            him around the house than the drunk.

            He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day
            and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked hard
            and the ranch was doing very well.

            Then one day, the rancher's widow said "You have done a really
            good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and
            kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into
            town on Saturday night.

            He returned around 2:30am, and upon entering the room, he found
            the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of
            wine, waiting for him.

            She quietly called him over to her.

            "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.

            "Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

            "Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

            "Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

            "Now take off my bra. "Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

            Then she looked at him and said:










            "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.
            Spara

            'Early to bed and early to rise --
            Till you get enough money to do otherwise.'

            Comment


            • #96
              Why weren't there any worms on Noah's Ark?

              Because worms come in apples, not pairs!

              --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

              A couple months ago, I entered a contest and ended up winning a few acres of swamp land below the flood plane in Mississippi. Before I knew it, right after that I won a $250,000 house, so naturally I built it on my new land. Last week, I won enough money in the lottery to quit my job and move down there for good. And just last night, as sat on my new porch watching the rain and listening to the thunder, it all started to sink in.

              --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

              My son, Ken, was married yesterday. I heard him tell his bride, Caryn, that his ring was so tight it was cutting off his circulation.

              She replied, "That’s what it is supposed to do."

              --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

              King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan.

              Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it."

              "But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the king!"

              Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."

              --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

              Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the Swiss league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire, and we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

              --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

              A man rushed into a busy doctor's office and shouted "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!!"

              The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

              --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

              A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets and urinals, leaving no clues.

              A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."

              --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

              Back in the 1800s the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products and, since they already made the cases for watches, they used them to produce compasses.

              The new compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California.

              This, of course, is the origin of the expression, "He who has a Tates is lost!"

              --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

              An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man.

              After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day.

              After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling.

              The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."

              --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

              A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register.

              His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."

              --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

              The couple left the gynecologist's office with the wife in tears. They were just told that she could never become pregnant. They would never have the family they both desired so fervently.

              Suddenly, a masked man appeared before them. "I think I can help you," he said, handing them a
              card.

              "Why are you masked?" the husband asked.

              "Because the government has declared our activities illegal. Go to the address on this card. The doctor will take a scrapping from one of your mouths and culture it. In less than a year, we will have your baby for you."

              "This is the answer to our prayers!" the wife exclaimed. Then she turned to thank the stranger but he was gone. "Who do you think that was?" she asked her husband who answered, "That was the Clone Arranger"

              --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

              A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation.

              When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, who needs enemas?"

              --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

              theres two peanuts walking down the road one was asalted.

              --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

              A local bean farmer was blessed with a wonderful crop this fall. In fact he had so many beans, he needed to unload them somehow. With all the hoopla about the upcoming Super Bowl, he decided that would be a good venue to reach more people. With this in mind he went to the local TV station to speak with the advertising manager.

              The farmer said, "I would like to purchase a minute or two during the Super Bowl to advertise my wonderful beans. I have such a bountiful crop of beans of all kinds; pinto beans, lima beans, navy beans, red beans..."

              The sales manager said, "Ok, Ok, I get the message. And what would you be able to pay for this amount of prime advertising time?"

              The farmer scratched his beard, looked off, then said, very solemnly, "I'd be willing to go as high as $300 to reach those folks."

              "$300?" the manager yelled, "You must be out of your mind!!! The current sponsors pay through the nose to get the exposure of the Super Bowl! For example, the makers of Kotex pay MILLIONS of dollars to reach the audience!"

              The farmer very evenly replied, "I'm sure that's right. But those people are out for blood. I'm just farting around."

              --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

              A Sunday School teacher read a passage from the Old Testament book of Jonah to her class:

              "And the Lord appointed a great fish to swallow up Jonah;
              and Jonah was in the belly of the fish three days and
              three nights. Then Jonah prayed to the Lord his God from
              the belly of the fish, saying 'I called to the Lord our
              of my distress and He answered me." and the Lord spoke
              to the fish, and it vomited out Jonah upon the dry land."
              (Jonah 1:17)

              When she had finished reading, the teacher said, "Now, children, you have heard the Bible story of Jonah and the whale. What does this story teach us?"

              Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "You can't keep a good man down!"

              --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

              When I was a small boy, my grandfather told me I'd grow up to be a pilot.

              "You'll pilot here, and you'll pilot there," he said, swinging his arms with a shoveling motion.

              --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

              IHOP (International House of Pancakes) is being taken over by the German Air Force. The company will change its name to "Luft Waffle"

              --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

              Applebee's is diversifying beyond food service. This fall they will introduce a line of winter-weight woolen clothing. The clothing will be called "Johnny Apple Tweed".

              --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

              Sam Clam and Louise Lobster had been best friends since they were children. They remained best friends until they were old. One day Sam Clam died leaving Louise in distress. Louise died soon after.

              When Louise the lobster approached the Pearly Gates he asked St. Peter of his friend Sam Clam. St. Peter informed Louise that Sam did not go to heaven, he went to hell.

              Louise the Lobster, though incredibly sad, decided to enter the Pearly Gates and into heaven. St. Peter informed him that heaven had a dress code. The Saint gave Louise a robe, a halo, and a harp. Louise entered heaven.

              After many years in heaven, Louise started to miss his best friend. He went to St. Peter and asked him if we would be allowed to enter hell and visit Sam. Peter told him that he would be able to under certain conditions. He told Louise that in order to return to Heaven, he would have to come back with his Robe, Halo, and Harp.

              Accepting the terms for re-entry, Louise went down to Hell to visit Sam. To his surprise, Sam Clam was running a disco for all the demon's in hell. So Louise went into the disco and met up with his friend.

              The two caught up on old times. Louise told Sam about heaven, and Sam told Louise about Hell. After hours of chit-chat, Louise told Sam that he had to return to heaven and said goodbye to his friend.

              When Louise got back to the Pearly Gates, he met St. Peter. St. Peter asked him if he was done visiting hell. Louise said, "yes". St. Peter asked if Louise remembered his robe. Louise said, "yes". St. Peter asked him if he remembered his Halo. Louise said "yes". St. Peter asked him if he had his Harp.

              Louise looked distraught and told St. Peter, "I left my harp in Sam Clams Disco!"

              --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

              When Chris Kirk, 33, went away on a business trip, his friend Luke Trerice, 26, took care of his Olympia, Wash., apartment for him. Kirk arrived back home to find everything in his place was wrapped in aluminum! Everything. The walls, the kitchen cabinets, even the spare change on his bedside table. Rolls of toilet paper were unrolled, wrapped, and rolled back up. "It went surprisingly fast," Trerice said of the project, which took 4,000 square feet of foil. "The toilet was hard. The molding around the doorways took a very long time."

              Trerice is "known for large-scale strangeness," Kirk said. How did he react when he first saw his home? "I heard him open the door and gasp," said a neighbor. Then, the inevitable scream:
              "Curses! Foiled Again!"

              --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

              A sailor was caught AWOL as he tried to sneak on board his ship at about 3 am but was caught by the Chief Petty Officer. Upon hearing the sailor's lame excuse for his tardiness, the officer ordered the sailor, "Take this broom and sweep every link on this anchor chain by morning or it's the brig for you!

              The sailor picked up the broom, as he began to sweep, a tern landed on the broom handle. The sailor yelled at the bird to leave, but it didn't. The lad picked the gull off the broom handle, giving the bird a toss. It left, only to return and land once again on the broom handle. The sailor went through the same routine all over again, with the same result. He couldn't get any cleaning done because he could only sweep at the chain once or twice before the blasted gull returned. When morning came, the chief petty officer returned to check his wayward sailor's progress.

              "What have you been doing all night? This chain is no cleaner than when you started! What have you to say for yourself, sailor?"

              "Honest, chief," came the reply, "I tossed a tern all night and couldn't sweep a link!"


              --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

              Cheers
              Chippy

              Comment


              • #97
                Spooner is alive and well

                The acrobats displayed some cunning stunts.

                Sir, you are certainly a shining wit.

                He fills her soul with hope.

                It's the Tale of Two Cities.

                Have you brought your sleeping bag?

                She is sure pretty.

                Have you seen her sick duck?

                Oh, the suffering of purgery on my soul!

                He's not a pheasant plucker.

                She showed me her tool kits.

                He's a smart fella.

                A hot pie would make me happy.

                Fire truck.

                Overhead door.

                Comment


                • #98
                  Naughty boy chippy, you pradofile !!!!
                  LES
                  [url=http://www.brisbane4wdclub.org/index1.htm]Brisbane 4Wd Club Inc[/url]
                  [url=http://www.brisbane4wdclub.org/images/avatars/mystuff.htm]MY STUFF[/url]

                  Comment


                  • #99
                    A big mining company recently hired several cannibals. “You are all part of our team now”, said the HR manager during the welcoming briefing. “You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don’t eat any of the other employees”.
                    The cannibals promised they would not.
                    Four weeks later their boss remarked, “You’re all working very hard, and I’m satisfied with you. However, one of our Admin girls has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?”
                    The cannibals all shook their heads indicating “no”.
                    After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, “Which one of you idiots ate the Admin chick?”
                    A hand rose hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals continued, “You fool!!!!! For four weeks we’ve been eating Managers and Supervisors and no one noticed anything, but noooooo, you had to go and eat someone important!!!!”
                    [color=red]GXL D4D AUTO Option pack more to follow & Camprite TL8s[/color] [url=http://www.fuelly.com/driver/Chuck1/prado][img]http://www.fuelly.com/smallsig-metric/46023.png[/img][/url]

                    Diabolus fecit, ut id facerem!

                    Comment


                    • CHINESE SICK LEAVE: 'I NO COMEWORK TODAY!!!'Hung
                      Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work
                      today, I reallysick. Got headache, stomach ache and
                      legs hurt, Ino come work.' The boss says,'You know
                      something, Hung Chow, I really need you today.. When
                      I feellike this, I go to my wife and tell her to
                      give me sex. That makes everythingbetter and I go to
                      work. You try that.'Two hours later Hung Chow
                      callsagain. 'I do what you say and I feel great. I
                      be at worksoon......... You got nice house.
                      Spara

                      'Early to bed and early to rise --
                      Till you get enough money to do otherwise.'

                      Comment


                      • Modern Day Cowboy

                        A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the western plains without water. His horse has already died of thirst.

                        He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden; he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.

                        He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie.

                        She is wearing an Australian Tax Office ID badge and a dull grey dress. There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.

                        "Well, cowboy," says the genie... "You know how I work. You have three wishes."

                        "I'm not falling for this." said the cowboy. "I'm not going to trust an ATO genie."

                        "What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"

                        The cowboy thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.

                        "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink."

                        ***POOF***

                        The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

                        "OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish."

                        "My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams."

                        ***POOF***

                        The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

                        "OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"

                        After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says... "I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."

                        ***POOF***

                        He turned into a tampon.

                        The moral of the story:

                        If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached
                        Spara

                        'Early to bed and early to rise --
                        Till you get enough money to do otherwise.'

                        Comment


                        • Ain't it the Truth!!!

                          A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical.
                          The nurse starts with certain basic items.
                          "How much do you weigh?" she asks.
                          "62kg," she says.
                          The nurse puts her on the scale.
                          It turns out her weight is 70kg.

                          The nurse asks, "Your height?"
                          "5 foot 8," she says.
                          The nurse checks and sees that she only measures 5' 4".

                          She then takes her blood pressure
                          And tells the woman it is very high.
                          "Of course it's high!" she screams,
                          "When I came in here I was tall and slender!
                          Now I'm short and fat!"
                          [color=red]GXL D4D AUTO Option pack more to follow & Camprite TL8s[/color] [url=http://www.fuelly.com/driver/Chuck1/prado][img]http://www.fuelly.com/smallsig-metric/46023.png[/img][/url]

                          Diabolus fecit, ut id facerem!

                          Comment


                          • While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (20 kph over the limit), a

                            woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.

                            The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that classic

                            patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"

                            To which she replied, "I'm late for work."

                            "Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"

                            "I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.

                            The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum

                            stretcher do?"

                            "Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to

                            two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in I work from

                            side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely

                            stretch, until it's about 6 feet wide."

                            "And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" he asked.

                            "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

                            Speeding Ticket $ 231.00

                            Point Lost 3

                            The Look on Cop's Face. -- PRICELESS
                            Spara

                            'Early to bed and early to rise --
                            Till you get enough money to do otherwise.'

                            Comment


                            • A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight.
                              The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is
                              tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and tries to
                              catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, that the game is a lot of fun. "I
                              ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5, you
                              ask me one and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500." (typical LLB ego)

                              This catches the blonde's attention and to keep him quiet, she agrees
                              to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the
                              distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

                              Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a
                              hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

                              The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all references. He uses the Air-phone, he searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. He sends
                              e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the blonde and hands her $500.
                              The blonde takes the $500 and goes back to sleep. The lawyer is
                              going nuts not knowing the answer.
                              He wakes her up and asks. "Well, so what goes up a hill with three
                              legs and comes down with four?"

                              The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back
                              to sleep.
                              Spara

                              'Early to bed and early to rise --
                              Till you get enough money to do otherwise.'

                              Comment


                              • A nun is having a shower when she hears the door bell ring.

                                Rushing to the door she realises that she has forgotten the towel and water is dripping everywhere. Not wanting to hold the person up she shouts "who is it."

                                The reply is "it's the blind man from the village."

                                The nun quickly opens the door and lets him in.


                                He responds "nice tits, where do you want the blinds."
                                07 Prado GXL, D4D manual, silver and a fridge with constantly changing beer levels.

                                Comment

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