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Thread: [OT] Jokes page

  1. #1
    Advanced Member MTpockets's Avatar
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    [OT] Jokes page

    Hi all,
    Most forums have a sticky for jokes, so to start it off here I have a good joke.
    I think the main thing here is to keep jokes CLEAN and politically correct, meaning stick to forum ettiqute.

  2. #2
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    Hi
    A boy asks his dad why women get married in white.The dad replied well son the reason they get married in white is to blend in with rest of the appliances in the kitchen

    Rob
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  3. #3
    Advanced Member MTpockets's Avatar
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    An old man had a doctors appointment, and told the doctor that he has a new girlfriend same age as him from the old folks home, but has problems having sex. The doctor asked the couple to make love in front of him so he could pinpoint why they were having problems. The couple agreed and after the first visit, the doctor said you two make love very well and dont seem to have a problem at all. The old man convinced the doctor that he needed to come back and try again. The doctor agreed and the couple came back the next week.After 6 weeks the doctor said I think you guys have your problem solved so why do you need to keep coming back here, you are cured !!!
    The old man said, "To be honest Doc, we are not allowed to be in each others room at the home, and a hotel is $100 a night, and if you include a taxi, meal and a drink, it gets expensive" "On the other hand, we come here, you bulk bill, and the home provides the free bus, and at the end of the sex, you tell us we do ok, and help me off, You cant get better than that eh Doc"

  4. #4
    Member Mike's Avatar
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    Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, 'surely I can't look that old. Well……

    My name is Alice Smith and I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his Degree, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 40-odd years ago.

    Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?

    Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.

    After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High School. "Yes. Yes, I did," he gleamed with pride.

    "When did you graduate?" I asked.

    He answered, "In 1965, why do you ask?"

    "You were in my class!" I exclaimed.

    He looked at me closely. Then, that ugly, old, bald, wrinkled, fat ass, grey-haired, decrepit son-of-a-bi *ch asked, "What did you teach?" :shock:
    Mike
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    8 years of modifications

  5. #5
    Avid PP Poster! IRON-PAWW's Avatar
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    Did you ever wonder why Angels are put on top of Christmas trees? Well, forget what you've heard. It all came about long ago in the North Pole at Santa's toy factory. Christmas was fast approaching and nothing was going right. Santa had just received a truckload of dodgy parts from taiwan that caused all toys made with them to fall apart. Mrs Clause had just burned 10,000 pastries! Rudolph's nose refused to be red. The Elves! The elves were rioting about poor working conditions and were demanding extra pay before they'd go back to work! The factory roof was caving in, Donner and Blitzen were caught in a blizzard, and ..... the freaking sleigh mechanics refused to fix the afterburner on the sled.

    Santa was mad! I mean really MAD! He was just about to SCREAM in pure RAGE!........ when this stupid fairy came prancing in holding a Christmas tree and said in the most annoying whine possible "Saaaannntttta, where should I stick this?"
    # 2007 D4D GX # Full Privacy Tint # Flinders Red # 2 x HID LightForce 240 Blitz # ARB Winch Bar # Alloy Rims # Hilux Washer Jets # Stebel Nautilus Compact Truck Horn # ARB Alloy Roof Rack # ARB Dual Battery System # Charcoal Rough Country Canvas Seat Covers # Suspension:Autocraft Bilstein Shocks/Struts & Ridepro Coils # L.E.D Side Marker Lights # ARB Onboard Air # Pirelli Scorpion LT ATR 265/70's #--Custom 3"exhaust---

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    Advanced Member spara's Avatar
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    An elderly gentleman...

    Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100% . The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again." The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
    Spara

    'Early to bed and early to rise --
    Till you get enough money to do otherwise.'

  7. #7
    Addicted PP Member Hutch's Avatar
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    5 MINUTE MANAGEMENET COURSE

    5 MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE




    Lesson 1:
    A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.

    Before she! says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel, "

    After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
    The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"

    "It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies.

    "Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

    Moral of the story:
    If you share critical information regarding credit and risk with your shareholders, in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.



    Lesson 2:
    A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

    The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

    The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"

    The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."

    Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

    On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129

    It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

    Moral of the story:
    If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.


    Lesson 3:
    A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out.

    The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."

    "Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."

    Puff! She's gone.

    "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life."

    Puff! He's gone.

    "OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.

    The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

    Moral of the story:
    Always let your boss have the first say.


    Lesson 4
    An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"

    The eagle answered: " Sure, why not."

    So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested.

    All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

    Moral of the story:
    To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

    Lesson 5
    A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."

    "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."!

    The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

    He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the! tree.

    Moral of the story:
    Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

    Lesson 6
    A little bird was flying south for the Winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

    As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

    A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

    Morals of the story:
    (1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
    (2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
    (3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!


    THIS ENDS THE 5-MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE
    Rob

    2016 Toyota Hilux SR5 D4D Auto Company Cruiser... .
    Hutch's 2012 Build up
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  8. #8
    Senior Member Jacto's Avatar
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    A man walks into a bar with a spider monkey on his shoulder, sits down and orders a drink.
    The bartender says, "I'm sorry sir, but I do not allow animals in the bar."
    "He is a very well trained monkey. He will be no problem I assure you." the man says.
    The bartender agrees to allow the man to stay. After a few beers the monkey all of a sudden jumps off the mans shoulder, runs across the bar and jumps on the pool table. The monkey then grabs the cue ball and swallows it.
    "I am so sorry, I have never seen him do anything like that before. Here is $20, will that cover the price of the cue ball?" the man says appaled.
    "I suppose so, but you are going to have to leave" says the bartender.
    The man takes his monkey and leaves.
    About a month later the man returns to the bar with the same spider monkey. Before he even sits down the bartender says, "I'm sorry but I remember what happened the last time you came in with that monkey there is no way I am going to allow you back in here with him."
    After several minutes of convincing, the bartender finally agrees to give the monkey one more chance.
    After about an hour or so the monkey jumps off the mans shoulder and runs down to the peanut bowl. He then proceeds to stick peanuts in his but and then eat them. This goes on for several minutes and finally the bartender goes over to the man and says, "Why is he putting the peanuts in his but before he eats them, that's disgusting."
    The man says, "There is no need to worry. Ever since he passed that cue ball, he has been checking everything for size."
    06 GXL D4D, 6spd, Snorkel, ARB bar, XS900 50w HID lights, 55W HID Headlight upgrades, T/bar, 7" GPS, QStarz data logger, 52L Bushman Fridge, Premier winch, Sandgrabbas, GME TX3440, AE4705 antenna, Scangauge II, Dual Batteries, Aero bars & rack, Drawers, 2" Ironman/Rancho/King lift, Under bonnet compressor, Black ducks, Voltage booster, Rear table, AVE TPMS,

  9. #9
    Senior Member Jacto's Avatar
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    Here's a little for both partners:

    A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

    A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

    A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

    A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

    A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

    A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

    To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

    To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.

    Married men lived longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

    Men wake up as good looking as they went to bed.

    Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

    A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

    A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

    A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

    There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage
    06 GXL D4D, 6spd, Snorkel, ARB bar, XS900 50w HID lights, 55W HID Headlight upgrades, T/bar, 7" GPS, QStarz data logger, 52L Bushman Fridge, Premier winch, Sandgrabbas, GME TX3440, AE4705 antenna, Scangauge II, Dual Batteries, Aero bars & rack, Drawers, 2" Ironman/Rancho/King lift, Under bonnet compressor, Black ducks, Voltage booster, Rear table, AVE TPMS,

  10. #10
    Senior Member Jacto's Avatar
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    And here's my last one for the night:

    An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his resume and says, "Ah, you're an engineer, you're in the wrong place."

    So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is promptly let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

    One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So..how's it going down there in hell?"

    Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

    God replies, "What???? You've got an engineer?? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

    Satan says, "No way.? I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

    God says, "Send him back or I'll sue."

    Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah right, and just where are you going to get a lawyer?"
    06 GXL D4D, 6spd, Snorkel, ARB bar, XS900 50w HID lights, 55W HID Headlight upgrades, T/bar, 7" GPS, QStarz data logger, 52L Bushman Fridge, Premier winch, Sandgrabbas, GME TX3440, AE4705 antenna, Scangauge II, Dual Batteries, Aero bars & rack, Drawers, 2" Ironman/Rancho/King lift, Under bonnet compressor, Black ducks, Voltage booster, Rear table, AVE TPMS,

  11. #11
    Senior Member Jacto's Avatar
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    Just couldn't resist another:

    God created the mule and told him, You will be mule, working constantly from dusk to dawn carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and lack intelligence. You will live for 50 years. The mule answered, to live like this for 50 years is too much. Please, give me no more than 20. And it was so.

    Then God created the dog, and told him, You will hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 25 years. And the dog responded, "Lord, to live 25 years as a dog like that is too much. Please no more than 10 years." And it was so.

    God then created the monkey, and told him, "You are monkey. You shall swing from tree to tree, acting stange. You will be funny and you shall live for 20 years." And the monkey responded, Lord to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no more than 10 years. And it was so.

    Finally, God created Man and told him, "You are Man, the only rational being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and live for 20 years." And the man responded, "Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little. Please Lord, give me the 20 years the mule refused, the 15 years the dog refused and the 10 years the monkey rejected." And it was so.

    And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 20 years working like a mule and carrying heavy loads on his back. Then he is to have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding his house and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry, then, in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting strange to amuse his grandchildren.

    And it was so.
    06 GXL D4D, 6spd, Snorkel, ARB bar, XS900 50w HID lights, 55W HID Headlight upgrades, T/bar, 7" GPS, QStarz data logger, 52L Bushman Fridge, Premier winch, Sandgrabbas, GME TX3440, AE4705 antenna, Scangauge II, Dual Batteries, Aero bars & rack, Drawers, 2" Ironman/Rancho/King lift, Under bonnet compressor, Black ducks, Voltage booster, Rear table, AVE TPMS,

  12. #12
    Advanced Member spara's Avatar
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    Wife From Hell

    A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, " I clocked
    you at 80 miles per hour, sir."
    The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps
    your radar gun needs calibrating."
    Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear,
    you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
    As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and
    growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"
    The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar
    detector went off when it did."
    As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector
    unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Damit,
    woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
    The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your
    seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."
    The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off
    when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back
    pocket."
    The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your
    seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
    And as the pol ice officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns
    to h is wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"
    The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always
    talkto you this way, Ma'am?"

    I love this part....

    "Only when he's been drinking."
    Spara

    'Early to bed and early to rise --
    Till you get enough money to do otherwise.'

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