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Thread: [OT] Jokes page

  1. #2473
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    Feb 2006
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    Bundanoon, NSW
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    New
    Unstoppable Virus...


    AGEING ...........


    I
    thought you would want to know about this e-mail virus.




    Even
    the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this
    one.




    It
    appears to affect those who were born prior to 1960.




    SYMPTOMS:



    1.
    Causes you to send the same e-mail twice.




    Done
    that!




    2.
    Causes you to send a blank e-mail!




    That
    too!




    3.
    Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person.




    Yep!




    4.
    Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you.




    Aha!




    5.
    Causes you to forget to attach the attachment.




    Well
    well!




    6.
    Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished.




    Oh,
    no not again!




    7.
    Causes you to hit "DELETE" instead of "SEND."




    And
    I just hate that!




    8.
    Causes you to hit "SEND" when you should "DELETE."




    Oh
    Crap!




    IT'S
    CALLED THE "C-NILE
    VIRUS."




    Have
    I already sent this to you?




    Or
    did you send it to me?
    Sold the Prado. Now FJ Cruiser

  2. #2474
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    Gotta love an old fighter pilot!

    A ragged, old, derelict shuffled into a down and dirty bar. Stinking
    of whiskey and cigarettes, his hands shook as he took the "Piano
    Player Wanted" sign from the window and handed it to the bartender.

    "I'd like to apply for the job," he said. "I was an F-4F driver,
    flying off carriers back in ' Nam, but when they retired the Phantom
    all the thrill was gone, and soon they cashed me in as well. I
    learned to play the piano at O-Club happy hours, so here I am."

    The barkeeper wasn't too sure about this doubtful looking old guy, but
    it had been quite a while since he had a piano player and business was
    falling off. So, why not give him a try? The seedy pilot staggered
    his way over to the piano while several patrons snickered. By the
    time he was into his third bar of music, every voice was silenced.
    What followed was a rhapsody of soaring music unlike anything heard in
    the bar before. When he finished there wasn't a dry eye in the place.

    The bartender took the old fighter pilot a beer and asked him the name
    of the song he had just played?

    It's called "Drop your Skivvies, Baby, I'm Going Balls To The Wall For
    You" he said. After a long pull from the beer, leaving it empty, he said "I wrote
    it myself." The bartender and the crowd winced at the title, but the
    piano player just went on into a knee-slapping, hand-clapping bit of
    ragtime that had the place jumping. After he finished, the fighter
    pilot acknowledged the applause, downed a second proffered mug, and
    told the crowd the song was called, "Big Boobs Make My Afterburner
    Light."

    He then launched into another mesmerizing song and everyone in the
    room was enthralled. He announced that it was the latest rendition of
    his song, "Spread 'em Baby, It's Foggy Out Tonight and I Need To See
    The Centerline", excused himself and headed for the john. When he
    came out the bartender went over to him and said,
    "Hey fly boy, the job is yours, but do you know your fly is open and
    your pecker is hanging out.

    "Know it?" the old fighter pilot replied, "Hell, I wrote it!"
    Sold the Prado. Now FJ Cruiser

  3. #2475
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    A man living in Kandos (near Mudgee in NSW, Australia )
    Received a bill for his as yet unused gas line stating that he owed $0.00.

    He ignored it and threw it away.
    In April he received another bill and threw that one away too

    The following month the gas company sent him a very nasty note stating
    That they were going to cancel his gas line if he didn't send them $0.00 by
    Return mail.

    He called them, talked to them, and they said it was a computer error and
    They would take care of it.

    The following month he decided that it was about time that he tried
    Out the troublesome gas line figuring that if there was usage on the
    Account it would put an end to this ridiculous predicament.

    However, when he went to use the gas, it had been cut off.

    He called the gas company who apologised for the computer error once
    Again and said that they would take care of it. The next day he got a bill for
    $0.00 stating that payment was now overdue.

    Assuming that having spoken to them the previous day the latest bill was
    Yet another mistake, he ignored it, trusting that the company would be as
    Good as their word and sort the problem out.

    The next month he got a bill for $0.00. This bill also stated that he
    Had 10 days to pay his account or the company would have to take steps to
    Recover the debt.

    Finally, giving in, he thought he would beat the gas company at their own
    Game and mailed them a cheque for $0.00. The computer duly processed his
    Account and returned a statement to the effect that he now owed the gas
    Company nothing at all.

    A week later, the manager of the Mudgee branch of the Westpac Banking
    Corporation called our hapless friend and asked him what he was doing
    Writing cheque for $0.00.

    After a lengthy explanation the bank manager replied that the $0.00
    Cheque had caused their cheque processing software to fail. The bank could
    Therefore not process ANY cheques they had received from ANY of their
    Customers that day because the cheque for $0.00 had caused the
    Computer to crash.

    The following month the man received a letter from the gas company
    Claiming that his cheque had bounced and that he now owed them $0.00
    And unless he sent a cheque by return mail they would take immediate
    Steps to recover the debt.

    At this point, the man decided to file a debt harassment claim against
    The gas company. It took him nearly two hours to convince the clerks
    At the local courthouse that he was not joking.

    They subsequently helped him in the drafting of statements which were
    Considered substantive evidence of the aggravation and difficulties
    He had been forced to endure during this debacle.

    The matter was heard in the Magistrate's Court in Mudgee and the outcome
    Was this:

    The gas company was ordered to:

    [1] Immediately rectify their computerised accounts system or Show cause,
    Within 10 days, why the matter should not be referred to a higher court
    For consideration under Company Law.

    [2] Pay the bank dishonour fees incurred by the man.

    [3] Pay the bank dishonour fees incurred by all the Westpac clients whose
    Cheques had been bounced on the day our friend's had been processed.

    [4] Pay the claimant's court costs; and

    [5] Pay the claimant a total of $1500 per month for the 5 month period
    March to July inclusive as compensation for the aggravation they had
    Caused their client to suffer.

    And all this over $0.00.

    Who employs these idiots?

    This story can also be viewed on the ABC website.
    It's a true story, believe it or not !
    Sold the Prado. Now FJ Cruiser

  4. #2476
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    Buttock tattoo terror lands Rotherham pair in hospital [ 2016-11-07]



    A furious row has broken out between a local tattoo artist and his client after what started out as a routine inking session, left both requiring emergency hospital treatment.

    Furious film fan and part time plus size model Tracey Munter (23), had visited the Ink It Good Tattoo Emporium on Wellgate last week to have the finishing touches applied to a double buttock representation of the chariot race scene from the iconic 1959 film, Ben Hur. Tattooist Jason Burns takes up the story.

    “It was a big job in more ways than one.” he told us “I’d just lit a roll up and was finishing off a centurion’s helmet. It’s delicate, close work. Next thing is, I sense a slight ripple in the buttock cleavage area just around Charlton Heston’s whip, and a hissing sound – more of a whoosh than a rasp – and before I know what’s happening, there’s a flame shooting from her arse to my fag and my beard's gone up like an Aussie bush fire.”

    Jason says he rushed to the studio sink to quell the flames, only to turn around and see Tracey frantically fanning her buttock area with a damp towel. The flames had travelled down the gas cloud and set fire to her thong which was smoking like a cheap firework.

    “To be honest”, said Jason, “I didn’t even realise she was wearing one. You’d need a sodding mining licence and a torch to find out for sure. She could have had a complete wardrobe in there and I’d have been none the wiser.”

    Jason and Tracey were taken to Rotherham District Hospital Accident & Emergency department where they were treated for minor burns and shock. Both are adamant that the other is to blame.

    “I’m furious” said Jason, “I’ve got a face like a mange-ridden dog and my left eyebrows not there anymore. I don’t know about Ben Hur – Gone with The Wind’s more like it. You don’t just let rip in someone’s face like that. It’s dangerous.”

    But Tracey remains both angry and unrepentant; “I’m still in agony,” she said, “and Charlton Heston looks more like Sidney-bloody-Poitier now. Jason shouldn’t have had a fag on the go and there’s no way I’d guff on purpose. He’d had me on all fours for nearly an hour. I can only put up with that for so long before nature takes its course. My Kev knows that. I give him my five second warning and I’d have done the same for Jason, but I didn’t get chance – it just crept out.”

    Ted Walters from the South Yorkshire Fire & Rescue service wasn’t surprised when we told him what had happened “People just don’t appreciate the dangers", he told us, “We get called out to more flatulence ignition incidents than kitchen fires these days, now people have moved over to oven chips. We have a slogan ‘Flame ‘n fart – keep ’em apart’. Anyone engaging in an arse-inking scenario would do well to bear that in mind in future.”
    Sold the Prado. Now FJ Cruiser

  5. #2477
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    I was in a pet shop when I noticed a Muslim with the most amazingly coloured parrot perched on her shoulder.
    "Where did you get that from ?" I asked.

    " Birmingham !!!... There's f---- thousands of 'em!" ........said the Parrot.
    Sold the Prado. Now FJ Cruiser

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