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Thread: [OT] Jokes page

  1. #2473
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    New
    Unstoppable Virus...


    AGEING ...........


    I
    thought you would want to know about this e-mail virus.




    Even
    the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this
    one.




    It
    appears to affect those who were born prior to 1960.




    SYMPTOMS:



    1.
    Causes you to send the same e-mail twice.




    Done
    that!




    2.
    Causes you to send a blank e-mail!




    That
    too!




    3.
    Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person.




    Yep!




    4.
    Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you.




    Aha!




    5.
    Causes you to forget to attach the attachment.




    Well
    well!




    6.
    Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished.




    Oh,
    no not again!




    7.
    Causes you to hit "DELETE" instead of "SEND."




    And
    I just hate that!




    8.
    Causes you to hit "SEND" when you should "DELETE."




    Oh
    Crap!




    IT'S
    CALLED THE "C-NILE
    VIRUS."




    Have
    I already sent this to you?




    Or
    did you send it to me?
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  2. #2474
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    Gotta love an old fighter pilot!

    A ragged, old, derelict shuffled into a down and dirty bar. Stinking
    of whiskey and cigarettes, his hands shook as he took the "Piano
    Player Wanted" sign from the window and handed it to the bartender.

    "I'd like to apply for the job," he said. "I was an F-4F driver,
    flying off carriers back in ' Nam, but when they retired the Phantom
    all the thrill was gone, and soon they cashed me in as well. I
    learned to play the piano at O-Club happy hours, so here I am."

    The barkeeper wasn't too sure about this doubtful looking old guy, but
    it had been quite a while since he had a piano player and business was
    falling off. So, why not give him a try? The seedy pilot staggered
    his way over to the piano while several patrons snickered. By the
    time he was into his third bar of music, every voice was silenced.
    What followed was a rhapsody of soaring music unlike anything heard in
    the bar before. When he finished there wasn't a dry eye in the place.

    The bartender took the old fighter pilot a beer and asked him the name
    of the song he had just played?

    It's called "Drop your Skivvies, Baby, I'm Going Balls To The Wall For
    You" he said. After a long pull from the beer, leaving it empty, he said "I wrote
    it myself." The bartender and the crowd winced at the title, but the
    piano player just went on into a knee-slapping, hand-clapping bit of
    ragtime that had the place jumping. After he finished, the fighter
    pilot acknowledged the applause, downed a second proffered mug, and
    told the crowd the song was called, "Big Boobs Make My Afterburner
    Light."

    He then launched into another mesmerizing song and everyone in the
    room was enthralled. He announced that it was the latest rendition of
    his song, "Spread 'em Baby, It's Foggy Out Tonight and I Need To See
    The Centerline", excused himself and headed for the john. When he
    came out the bartender went over to him and said,
    "Hey fly boy, the job is yours, but do you know your fly is open and
    your pecker is hanging out.

    "Know it?" the old fighter pilot replied, "Hell, I wrote it!"
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  3. #2475
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    A man living in Kandos (near Mudgee in NSW, Australia )
    Received a bill for his as yet unused gas line stating that he owed $0.00.

    He ignored it and threw it away.
    In April he received another bill and threw that one away too

    The following month the gas company sent him a very nasty note stating
    That they were going to cancel his gas line if he didn't send them $0.00 by
    Return mail.

    He called them, talked to them, and they said it was a computer error and
    They would take care of it.

    The following month he decided that it was about time that he tried
    Out the troublesome gas line figuring that if there was usage on the
    Account it would put an end to this ridiculous predicament.

    However, when he went to use the gas, it had been cut off.

    He called the gas company who apologised for the computer error once
    Again and said that they would take care of it. The next day he got a bill for
    $0.00 stating that payment was now overdue.

    Assuming that having spoken to them the previous day the latest bill was
    Yet another mistake, he ignored it, trusting that the company would be as
    Good as their word and sort the problem out.

    The next month he got a bill for $0.00. This bill also stated that he
    Had 10 days to pay his account or the company would have to take steps to
    Recover the debt.

    Finally, giving in, he thought he would beat the gas company at their own
    Game and mailed them a cheque for $0.00. The computer duly processed his
    Account and returned a statement to the effect that he now owed the gas
    Company nothing at all.

    A week later, the manager of the Mudgee branch of the Westpac Banking
    Corporation called our hapless friend and asked him what he was doing
    Writing cheque for $0.00.

    After a lengthy explanation the bank manager replied that the $0.00
    Cheque had caused their cheque processing software to fail. The bank could
    Therefore not process ANY cheques they had received from ANY of their
    Customers that day because the cheque for $0.00 had caused the
    Computer to crash.

    The following month the man received a letter from the gas company
    Claiming that his cheque had bounced and that he now owed them $0.00
    And unless he sent a cheque by return mail they would take immediate
    Steps to recover the debt.

    At this point, the man decided to file a debt harassment claim against
    The gas company. It took him nearly two hours to convince the clerks
    At the local courthouse that he was not joking.

    They subsequently helped him in the drafting of statements which were
    Considered substantive evidence of the aggravation and difficulties
    He had been forced to endure during this debacle.

    The matter was heard in the Magistrate's Court in Mudgee and the outcome
    Was this:

    The gas company was ordered to:

    [1] Immediately rectify their computerised accounts system or Show cause,
    Within 10 days, why the matter should not be referred to a higher court
    For consideration under Company Law.

    [2] Pay the bank dishonour fees incurred by the man.

    [3] Pay the bank dishonour fees incurred by all the Westpac clients whose
    Cheques had been bounced on the day our friend's had been processed.

    [4] Pay the claimant's court costs; and

    [5] Pay the claimant a total of $1500 per month for the 5 month period
    March to July inclusive as compensation for the aggravation they had
    Caused their client to suffer.

    And all this over $0.00.

    Who employs these idiots?

    This story can also be viewed on the ABC website.
    It's a true story, believe it or not !
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  4. #2476
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    Buttock tattoo terror lands Rotherham pair in hospital [ 2016-11-07]



    A furious row has broken out between a local tattoo artist and his client after what started out as a routine inking session, left both requiring emergency hospital treatment.

    Furious film fan and part time plus size model Tracey Munter (23), had visited the Ink It Good Tattoo Emporium on Wellgate last week to have the finishing touches applied to a double buttock representation of the chariot race scene from the iconic 1959 film, Ben Hur. Tattooist Jason Burns takes up the story.

    “It was a big job in more ways than one.” he told us “I’d just lit a roll up and was finishing off a centurion’s helmet. It’s delicate, close work. Next thing is, I sense a slight ripple in the buttock cleavage area just around Charlton Heston’s whip, and a hissing sound – more of a whoosh than a rasp – and before I know what’s happening, there’s a flame shooting from her arse to my fag and my beard's gone up like an Aussie bush fire.”

    Jason says he rushed to the studio sink to quell the flames, only to turn around and see Tracey frantically fanning her buttock area with a damp towel. The flames had travelled down the gas cloud and set fire to her thong which was smoking like a cheap firework.

    “To be honest”, said Jason, “I didn’t even realise she was wearing one. You’d need a sodding mining licence and a torch to find out for sure. She could have had a complete wardrobe in there and I’d have been none the wiser.”

    Jason and Tracey were taken to Rotherham District Hospital Accident & Emergency department where they were treated for minor burns and shock. Both are adamant that the other is to blame.

    “I’m furious” said Jason, “I’ve got a face like a mange-ridden dog and my left eyebrows not there anymore. I don’t know about Ben Hur – Gone with The Wind’s more like it. You don’t just let rip in someone’s face like that. It’s dangerous.”

    But Tracey remains both angry and unrepentant; “I’m still in agony,” she said, “and Charlton Heston looks more like Sidney-bloody-Poitier now. Jason shouldn’t have had a fag on the go and there’s no way I’d guff on purpose. He’d had me on all fours for nearly an hour. I can only put up with that for so long before nature takes its course. My Kev knows that. I give him my five second warning and I’d have done the same for Jason, but I didn’t get chance – it just crept out.”

    Ted Walters from the South Yorkshire Fire & Rescue service wasn’t surprised when we told him what had happened “People just don’t appreciate the dangers", he told us, “We get called out to more flatulence ignition incidents than kitchen fires these days, now people have moved over to oven chips. We have a slogan ‘Flame ‘n fart – keep ’em apart’. Anyone engaging in an arse-inking scenario would do well to bear that in mind in future.”
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  5. #2477
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    I was in a pet shop when I noticed a Muslim with the most amazingly coloured parrot perched on her shoulder.
    "Where did you get that from ?" I asked.

    " Birmingham !!!... There's f---- thousands of 'em!" ........said the Parrot.
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  6. #2478
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    Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly Jumped into the deep end.

    He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

    Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

    When she went to tell Edna the news she said,
    'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

    The bad news is Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

    Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.
    How soon can I go home?'


    Happy Mental Health Day!

    You can do your bit by remembering to send an email to an unstable friend...

    THIS WAS MEANT IN A GOOD WAY, FROM ONE UNSTABLE FAMILY MEMBER OR FRIEND TO ANOTHER
    Done my part!!!
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  7. #2479
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    God visited a woman and told her she must give up smoking, drinking and unmarried sex if she wants to get into heaven. The woman said she would try her best.

    God visited the woman a week later to see how she was getting on. "Not bad" said the woman, "I've given up smoking and drinking but then I bent over to get some stuff out of the freezer and my boyfriend pulled up my skirt, pulled my panties to one side and made love to me right then and there."

    "They don't like that in heaven, said God.

    The woman replied: "They're not too happy about it in Costco, either!"
    Last edited by Jon; 16-06-2017 at 04:41 PM.
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  8. #2480
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    Little Johnny...

    The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.

    Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad’s farm, and we all saw his pet sheep.

    It was fascinating”.

    The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word “fascinate, not fascinating”.

    Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated”. The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate”.

    Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.

    She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate” so she called on him.

    Johnny said, “My aunt Narelle has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!”

    The teacher sat down and cried.





    GOSH – I love this little b****d!!!
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  9. #2481
    Advanced Member Ozpat's Avatar
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    A muslim neighbour was all pleased with himself.

    He managed to get the entire quran on a CD.

    I said "Can you burn me a copy?"

    That's when the fighting started.
    Cheers Jim.

    2009 120 D4D VX auto, pearl white with matching ARB deluxe bar, 2" lift with OME springs & Nitro shocks, 9000lb Warn winch, BFG KO A/Ts, Alloy Rhino roof basket, Safari snorkel, 2 x Optima D27F batteries, Voltage booster from Leigh, Jawa off-road camper trailer.

  10. #2482
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    Mike and Yvonne were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years.

    Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they carefully watched their pennies.
    <25171C86AFD64BFCB4EB81EF31510 228.jpg>


    Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to Yvonne's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.

    One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.


    <0B18E9A01CFA4D96BC28FDBFEB035 268.jpg>

    They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'
    <06E99205283A4E11B202E2EE67B4F F24.jpg> Mike asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'
    Mike looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth..
    'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled Mike..
    'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'
    <7167DD03A47E489BBCDD8EB7C093E F73.jpg>

    Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch.
    'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to Mike. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'

    Mike looked around and nervously asked Yvonne 'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?'

    'That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!'

    'No gym to work out at?' said Mike

    'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.

    'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'

    'Never again'



    Mike glared at Yvonne and said, 'You and your F#####g Bran Flakes. We could have been here years ago!'



    Have A Happy Life And Give someone A Smile.
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  11. #2483
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    Elderly computer users.

    >>
    >> The last one is absolutely the best!!!
    >>
    >> Ever dealt with tech support on your computer? Most of us have, and we can almost hear these phone conversations.
    >>
    >> Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
    >>
    >> Customer: A white one...
    >>
    >> Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
    >>
    >> Customer: Your left or my left?
    >>
    >> Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'can’t find printer’.
    >>
    >> I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it..
    >>
    >> Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
    >>
    >> Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer? <davecabunoc
    >>
    >> Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
    >>
    >> Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
    >>
    >> Customer: OK
    >>
    >> Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
    >>
    >> Customer: Yes
    >>
    >> Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in.
    >>
    >>
    >>
    >> Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
    >>
    >> Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
    >>
    >> Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
    >>
    >> Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
    >>
    >> Customer: Five dots.
    >>
    >>
    >>
    >> Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
    >>
    >> Customer: Netscape.
    >>
    >> Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
    >>
    >> Customer: Oh, sorry... Internet Explorer..
    >>
    >>
    >>
    >> Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
    >>
    >>
    >>
    >> Tech support: How may I help you?
    >>
    >> Customer: I'm writing my first email.
    >>
    >> Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
    >>
    >> Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the little circle around it?
    >>
    >>
    >>
    >> This one and the next are our personal favorites!
    >>
    >> A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
    >>
    >> Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
    >>
    >> Customer: 'No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point.
    >>
    >> The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine.'
    >>
    >> And last but not least!
    >>
    >> Tech support: 'Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time.
    >>
    >> That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager.'
    >>
    >> Customer: I don't have a P.
    >>
    >> Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
    >>
    >> Customer: What do you mean?
    >>
    >> Tech support: 'P'.....on your keyboard, Bob.
    >>
    >> Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT
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  12. #2484
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    An Adult FAIRY TALE.....


    >>
    >> Once upon a time there lived a King who had the most beautiful daughter.
    >> But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.
    >> No matter what:
    >> Metal
    >> Wood
    >> Stone
    >> Anything she touched would melt.
    >> Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.
    >> The King despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?
    >> He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the King,
    >> 'If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured.'
    >> The King was overjoyed and came up with a plan.
    >> The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an
    >> object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the King's wealth.
    >> THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.
    >>
    >>
    >> The first brought a sword of the finest steel. But alas, when the Princess touched it, it melted.
    >> The prince went away sadly
    >> The second prince brought diamonds. He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt.
    >> But alas, once the Princess touched them, they melted. He too was sent away disappointed.
    >> The third prince approached. He told the Princess,
    >> 'Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there.'
    >> The Princess did as she was told, though she turned red.
    >> She felt something very hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!!!
    >> The King was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed.
    >> And the Prince married the Princess and they both lived happily ever after
    >> Question: What was in the Prince's pants
    >>
    >>
    >>
    >>
    >>
    >> M&M's of course! They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
    >> What on earth were you thinking?
    >> I DO WORRY ABOUT YOU AT TIMES!
    >>
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