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  • What does the Secret Service say when Donald Trump gets shot at?

    "Donald! Duck!"

    Comment


    • Originally posted by peter_mcc View Post
      What does the Secret Service say when Donald Trump gets shot at?

      "Donald! Duck!"
      Hopefully they don't say anything in the interest of world peace!
      1997 petrol auto, 430 000km. Still going strong.
      2004 petrol auto, 233 000km. Cracked dash and no help from Toyota!

      Comment


      • A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

        The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'

        The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'

        While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

        They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.

        The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.....

        'Go get your Mother'
        Sold the Prado. Now FJ Cruiser

        Comment


        • Getting Old Should Require Training ...
          >>
          >>
          >> I bought a new stick deodorant today.
          >> The instructions said: "Remove cap and push up bottom."
          >> It hurts to walk, but whenever I fart, the room smells lovely .
          Sold the Prado. Now FJ Cruiser

          Comment


          • A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train set in the living room.

            She heard the train stop and her son saying, 'All of You B*****ds who want off, get off now, 'cos we're in a hurry! And all of you B*****ds who are getting on, get on now, 'cos we're going down the tracks'.

            The horrified mother went in and told her son, 'We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS.
            When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.'

            Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say,
            'All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you
            We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.'

            She hears the little boy continue,

            'For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train.
            We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.'

            As the mother began to smile, the child added..........

            'For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat controller in the kitchen.
            Sold the Prado. Now FJ Cruiser

            Comment


            • Originally posted by KIMBOPRADO View Post
              An Irishman and a Muslim are sat next to each other on a plane. A steward passes them and offers them an alcoholic drink.

              "Great I'll have a beer please" says the Irishman.

              The steward then turn s to the Muslim man and he says "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whore's than let alcohol pass my lips"

              The Irishman thinks about it for a second and says "I didn't realize that was an option, forget the beer, I'll have what he's having"

              aaahhahah

              Comment


              • Croc full

                A Russian scientist and a Czech scientist had spent their lives studying reptiles. Each year they petitioned their respective governments to allow them to go to Australia to study crocodiles

                Finally their request was granted, and they immediately flew to Australia and on to the NT. They reported to the ranger station and were told that it was the croc mating season and it was too dangerous to go out and study the animals. They pleaded that this was their only chance, and finally the ranger relented.

                The Russian and the Czech were given sat phones and told to report in every day. For several days they called in, and then nothing was heard from the two scientists. The rangers mounted a search party and found the camp completely ravaged, with no sign of the missing men. They followed the trail of a male and a female crocodile.

                They found the female and decided they must kill the animal to find out if she had eaten the scientists because they feared an international incident. They killed the female animal and opened the stomach to find the remains of the Russian.

                One ranger turned to the other and said, "You know what this means, don't you. The other ranger responded, "Of course:...............

                "the Czech is in the male"

                Comment


                • The Sierra Club and the U. S. Forest Service were presenting an alternative to the Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population.






                  It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true method of shooting or trapping the predators, the Sierra Club had a "more humane" solution to this issue. What they were proposing was for the animals to be captured alive. The males would then be castrated and let loose again. This was ACTUALLY proposed by the Sierra Club and by the U. S. Forest Service.







                  All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes.



                  Finally an old fellow wearing a big cowboy hat in the back of the conference room stood up, tipped his hat back and said, "Son, I don't think you understand our problem here. These coyotes ain't screwin’ our sheep; they're eatin' 'em!"

                  The meeting never really got back to order.
                  Sold the Prado. Now FJ Cruiser

                  Comment


                  • Madge checked into a motel on her 60th birthday. She was a bit lonely so she thought, she’d call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages. She looked through the phone book, found a full page picture and ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony - a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a silver dollar off his well-oiled bum.... She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know.
                    So she dialed the number. . .

                    "Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?

                    Oh my ... , he sounded sooo sexy! Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in, "Hi, I hear you give a great massage. I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I'm ready!! Now how does that sound?"

                    He said, " That sounds absolutely fantastic, but this is the motel front desk, you need to press 9 for an outside line."

                    Comment


                    • A gas station owner in Kentucky was trying to increase his sales. So he put up a sign that
                      read, "Free Sex with Fill-Up."
                      Soon a local Redneck, Billy Jo, pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
                      ... The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.
                      If he guessed correctly he would get his free sex.
                      Billy Jo guessed 8, and the proprietor
                      said, "You were close! The number was 7. Sorry.
                      No sex this time."
                      A week later, Billy Jo, along with his brother,
                      Billy Bob, pulled in for another fill-up.
                      Again he asked for his free sex.
                      The proprietor again gave him the same story,
                      and asked him to guess the correct number.
                      Billy Jo guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said,
                      "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but NO free sex
                      this time."
                      As they were driving away, Billy Bob said to
                      his brother, "I think that game is RIGGED,
                      and he doesn't really give away FREE Sex."
                      Billy Jo replied, "No it ain't, Billy Bob.
                      It ain't rigged. My WIFE won twice last week

                      Comment


                      • The Ultimate Computer stood at the end of the Ultimate Computer Company's production line. At which point the guided tour eventually arrived.
                        The salesman stepped forward to give his prepared demo. 'This,' he said, 'is the Ultimate Computer. It will give an intelligent answer to any question you may care to ask it.'
                        A smart-aleck who ran a humor mailing list stepped forward and asked, 'Where is my father?'
                        There was the soft hum of powerful electronic gear going to the task. Panel lights lit and blinked, and within a couple of seconds the laser printer printed out a piece of paper: 'Fishing off Florida.'
                        The smart-aleck laughed, 'Actually, my father is dead! It was a trick question.'
                        The salesman, quickly thinking on his feet, replied that he was sorry the answer was unsatisfactory, but as the Ultimate Computer was precise, perhaps a rewording of the question might work better.
                        The smart-aleck said to the Ultimate Computer, 'Where is my mother's husband?' Again, the hum of the powerful electronic brain filled the room.
                        After a moment, the laser printer whirred to life. The paper said, 'Dead. But your father is still fishing off Florida.'

                        *********

                        An Oldie...

                        A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers."
                        He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.
                        "What are you going to do," the homeowner asks?
                        "I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."
                        He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
                        "What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
                        "If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."

                        ************

                        Little Johnny again....

                        Little Jhonny was at the corner grocery picking out a large size box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over and trying to be friendly, asked Johnny if he had a lot of laundry to do.

                        "Nope, no laundry," Johnny said, "I'm going to wash my dog." "But, you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him."

                        But, Johnny was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.

                        About a week later Johnny was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked Johnny how his dog was doing.

                        "Oh, he died," Johnny said.

                        The grocer, trying not to be an "I-told-you-so" said he was sorry the dog died, but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog."

                        "Well, Johnny replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him."

                        "Oh? What was it then?"

                        "I think it was the spin cycle!"

                        *************

                        A cowboy walks into a bar and orders a whisky. When the bartender delivers the drink, the cowboy asks, "Where is everybody?"
                        The bartender replies, "They've gone to the hanging."
                        "Hanging? Who are they hanging?"
                        "Brown Paper Pete," the bartender replied.
                        "What kind of a name is that?" the cowboy asked.
                        "Well," says the bartender. "He wears a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper trousers and brown paper shoes."
                        "How bizarre," said the cowboy. "What are they hanging him for?"
                        "Rustling," said the bartender.

                        ************

                        Life Before Computors....

                        An application was for employment
                        A program was a TV show
                        A cursor used profanity
                        A keyboard was a piano!

                        Memory was something that you lost with age
                        A CD was a bank account
                        And if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy you hoped nobody found out!

                        Compress was something you did to garbage not something you did to a file
                        And if you unzipped anything in public you'd be in jail for awhile!

                        Log on was adding wood to a fire
                        Hard drive was a long trip on the road
                        A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
                        And a backup happened to your commode!

                        Cut - you did with a pocket knife
                        Paste you did with glue
                        A web was a spider's home
                        And a virus was the flu!

                        I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
                        And the memory in my head
                        I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
                        But when it happens they wish they were dead.

                        *****************

                        Finally.....

                        There were three little boys visiting their grandparents.
                        The oldest came out and asked his grandpa, "Can you make a sound like a frog, Grandpappy?
                        Grandpa (being in a kind of ill mood) responds, "No, I don't really want to make the sound of a frog now."
                        So, the second little boy comes out and asks his grandfather, "Will you please make a sound like a frog?"
                        Grandpa again says, "No, not now. I don't really want to do that.I'm in a grumpy mood. Maybe later."
                        Then the third little boy comes out and says, "Grandpa, oh please...Please, please will you make a sound like a frog?"
                        "Why do all of you boys want me to make a sound like a frog?" Grandpa asked.
                        The little boy replied with a hopeful face, "Well, Mom said that when you croak we get to go to Disney World!"

                        ******************

                        Last Final One....

                        Bubba & Earl were in the local bar enjoying a beer when they decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle. They bought five tickets each at a dollar a pop.

                        The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize. Earl won 1st prize, a year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra-long spaghetti. Bubba won 6th prize, a toilet brush.

                        About a week or so had passed when the men met back in the neighborhood bar for a couple of beers. Bubba asked Earl how he liked his prize, to which Earl replied, "Great, I love spaghetti! How about you, how's that toilet brush?"

                        "Not so good," replied Bubba, "I reckon I'm gonna go back to paper."

                        Comment


                        • Walmart Doctor

                          One day, in line at the factory canteen, Bill says to Sam, "My elbow hurts like all hell. I guess I'd better go see the doctor."

                          "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Sam replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Walmart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what you need to do.

                          It takes thirty seconds and costs $12. A lot cheaper than a doctor."

                          So, Bill fills a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Walmart. He deposits $12 and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

                          Thirty seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping at Walmart."

                          That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Bill began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

                          He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.

                          Bill races back to Walmart, eager to check the results. He deposits $12, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

                          The computer prints the following:
                          1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 4)
                          2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 6)
                          3. Your daughter is pregnant and has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab and shoot her boyfriend.
                          4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
                          5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

                          Thank you for shopping at Walmart {win}

                          Comment


                          • New
                            Unstoppable Virus...


                            AGEING ...........


                            I
                            thought you would want to know about this e-mail virus.




                            Even
                            the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this
                            one.




                            It
                            appears to affect those who were born prior to 1960.




                            SYMPTOMS:



                            1.
                            Causes you to send the same e-mail twice.




                            Done
                            that!




                            2.
                            Causes you to send a blank e-mail!




                            That
                            too!




                            3.
                            Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person.




                            Yep!




                            4.
                            Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you.




                            Aha!




                            5.
                            Causes you to forget to attach the attachment.




                            Well
                            well!




                            6.
                            Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished.




                            Oh,
                            no not again!




                            7.
                            Causes you to hit "DELETE" instead of "SEND."




                            And
                            I just hate that!




                            8.
                            Causes you to hit "SEND" when you should "DELETE."




                            Oh
                            Crap!




                            IT'S
                            CALLED THE "C-NILE
                            VIRUS."




                            Have
                            I already sent this to you?




                            Or
                            did you send it to me?
                            Sold the Prado. Now FJ Cruiser

                            Comment


                            • Gotta love an old fighter pilot!

                              A ragged, old, derelict shuffled into a down and dirty bar. Stinking
                              of whiskey and cigarettes, his hands shook as he took the "Piano
                              Player Wanted" sign from the window and handed it to the bartender.

                              "I'd like to apply for the job," he said. "I was an F-4F driver,
                              flying off carriers back in ' Nam, but when they retired the Phantom
                              all the thrill was gone, and soon they cashed me in as well. I
                              learned to play the piano at O-Club happy hours, so here I am."

                              The barkeeper wasn't too sure about this doubtful looking old guy, but
                              it had been quite a while since he had a piano player and business was
                              falling off. So, why not give him a try? The seedy pilot staggered
                              his way over to the piano while several patrons snickered. By the
                              time he was into his third bar of music, every voice was silenced.
                              What followed was a rhapsody of soaring music unlike anything heard in
                              the bar before. When he finished there wasn't a dry eye in the place.

                              The bartender took the old fighter pilot a beer and asked him the name
                              of the song he had just played?

                              It's called "Drop your Skivvies, Baby, I'm Going Balls To The Wall For
                              You" he said. After a long pull from the beer, leaving it empty, he said "I wrote
                              it myself." The bartender and the crowd winced at the title, but the
                              piano player just went on into a knee-slapping, hand-clapping bit of
                              ragtime that had the place jumping. After he finished, the fighter
                              pilot acknowledged the applause, downed a second proffered mug, and
                              told the crowd the song was called, "Big Boobs Make My Afterburner
                              Light."

                              He then launched into another mesmerizing song and everyone in the
                              room was enthralled. He announced that it was the latest rendition of
                              his song, "Spread 'em Baby, It's Foggy Out Tonight and I Need To See
                              The Centerline", excused himself and headed for the john. When he
                              came out the bartender went over to him and said,
                              "Hey fly boy, the job is yours, but do you know your fly is open and
                              your pecker is hanging out.

                              "Know it?" the old fighter pilot replied, "Hell, I wrote it!"
                              Sold the Prado. Now FJ Cruiser

                              Comment


                              • A man living in Kandos (near Mudgee in NSW, Australia )
                                Received a bill for his as yet unused gas line stating that he owed $0.00.

                                He ignored it and threw it away.
                                In April he received another bill and threw that one away too

                                The following month the gas company sent him a very nasty note stating
                                That they were going to cancel his gas line if he didn't send them $0.00 by
                                Return mail.

                                He called them, talked to them, and they said it was a computer error and
                                They would take care of it.

                                The following month he decided that it was about time that he tried
                                Out the troublesome gas line figuring that if there was usage on the
                                Account it would put an end to this ridiculous predicament.

                                However, when he went to use the gas, it had been cut off.

                                He called the gas company who apologised for the computer error once
                                Again and said that they would take care of it. The next day he got a bill for
                                $0.00 stating that payment was now overdue.

                                Assuming that having spoken to them the previous day the latest bill was
                                Yet another mistake, he ignored it, trusting that the company would be as
                                Good as their word and sort the problem out.

                                The next month he got a bill for $0.00. This bill also stated that he
                                Had 10 days to pay his account or the company would have to take steps to
                                Recover the debt.

                                Finally, giving in, he thought he would beat the gas company at their own
                                Game and mailed them a cheque for $0.00. The computer duly processed his
                                Account and returned a statement to the effect that he now owed the gas
                                Company nothing at all.

                                A week later, the manager of the Mudgee branch of the Westpac Banking
                                Corporation called our hapless friend and asked him what he was doing
                                Writing cheque for $0.00.

                                After a lengthy explanation the bank manager replied that the $0.00
                                Cheque had caused their cheque processing software to fail. The bank could
                                Therefore not process ANY cheques they had received from ANY of their
                                Customers that day because the cheque for $0.00 had caused the
                                Computer to crash.

                                The following month the man received a letter from the gas company
                                Claiming that his cheque had bounced and that he now owed them $0.00
                                And unless he sent a cheque by return mail they would take immediate
                                Steps to recover the debt.

                                At this point, the man decided to file a debt harassment claim against
                                The gas company. It took him nearly two hours to convince the clerks
                                At the local courthouse that he was not joking.

                                They subsequently helped him in the drafting of statements which were
                                Considered substantive evidence of the aggravation and difficulties
                                He had been forced to endure during this debacle.

                                The matter was heard in the Magistrate's Court in Mudgee and the outcome
                                Was this:

                                The gas company was ordered to:

                                [1] Immediately rectify their computerised accounts system or Show cause,
                                Within 10 days, why the matter should not be referred to a higher court
                                For consideration under Company Law.

                                [2] Pay the bank dishonour fees incurred by the man.

                                [3] Pay the bank dishonour fees incurred by all the Westpac clients whose
                                Cheques had been bounced on the day our friend's had been processed.

                                [4] Pay the claimant's court costs; and

                                [5] Pay the claimant a total of $1500 per month for the 5 month period
                                March to July inclusive as compensation for the aggravation they had
                                Caused their client to suffer.

                                And all this over $0.00.

                                Who employs these idiots?

                                This story can also be viewed on the ABC website.
                                It's a true story, believe it or not !
                                Sold the Prado. Now FJ Cruiser

                                Comment

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