Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

[OT] Jokes page

Collapse
X
 
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • Re: [OT] Jokes page

    A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'


    Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter
    than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'


    Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.


    While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

    Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.


    Principal:
    'What is 3 x 3?'

    Harry:
    '9.'


    Principal:
    'What is 6 x 6?'


    Harry:
    '36.'

    And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

    The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her,
    'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'


    Ms. Brooks says to the principal,
    'Let me ask him some questions.'

    The principal and Harry both agreed.

    Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'


    Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'


    Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'


    The principal wondered why would she ask such a
    question!


    Harry replied: 'Pockets.'


    Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'


    Harry:
    'Pants.'


    Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?'

    Harry:
    'Coconut.'


    The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

    Ms. Brooks:
    'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'

    The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble
    gum.'

    Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog
    does on three legs?'


    Harry: 'Shake hands.'

    The principal was trembling.


    Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'

    Harry:
    'Firetruck.'

    The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the
    teacher,


    'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.....'
    Sold the Prado. Now FJ Cruiser

    Comment


    • Re: [OT] Jokes page

      As I checked into the Hotel, I said to the receptionist "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled"

      She looked at me for a second and snarled "It's just normal porn you sick ba$tard!"
      Confidence - The feeling before you fully understand the situation

      Comment


      • Re: [OT] Jokes page

        The Zipper

        As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware
        that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to 20inch
        height of the first step of the bus.

        Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached
        behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give
        her enough slack to raise her leg She tried to take the step, only to
        discover that she couldn't.

        So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to
        unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the
        step.

        Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a
        little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little
        more and again was unable to take the step.

        About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her
        up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

        She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled,
        'How dare you touch my body!
        I don't even know who you are!'

        The Texan smiled and drawled,
        'Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped
        my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends..'
        Spara

        'Early to bed and early to rise --
        Till you get enough money to do otherwise.'

        Comment


        • Re: [OT] Jokes page

          Aussie Poem

          The sun was hot already - it was only 8 o'clock
          The cocky took off in his Ute, to go and check his stock.
          He drove around the paddocks checking wethers, ewes and lambs,
          The float valves in the water troughs, the windmills on the dams.

          He stopped and turned a windmill on to fill a water tank
          And saw a ewe down in the dam, a few yards from the bank.
          "Typical bloody sheep," he thought, "they've got no common sense,
          "They won't go through a gateway but they'll jump a bloody fence."

          The ewe was stuck down in the mud, he knew without a doubt
          She'd stay there 'til she carked it if he didn't get her out.
          But when he reached the water's edge, the startled ewe broke free
          And in her haste to get away, began a swimming spree.

          He reckoned once her fleece was wet, the weight would drag her down
          If he didn't rescue her, the stupid sod would drown.
          Her style was unimpressive, her survival chances slim
          He saw no other option, he would have to take a swim.

          He peeled his shirt and singlet off, his trousers, boots and socks
          And as he couldn't stand wet clothes, he also shed his jocks.
          He jumped into the water and away that cocky swam
          He caught up with her, somewhere near the middle of the dam

          The ewe was quite evasive, she kept giving him the slip
          He tried to grab her sodden fleece but couldn't get a grip.
          At last he got her to the bank and stopped to catch his breath
          She showed him little gratitude for saving her from death.

          She took off like a Bondi tram around the other side
          He swore next time he caught that ewe he'd hang her bloody hide.
          Then round and round the dam they ran, although he felt quite puffed
          He still thought he could run her down, she must be nearly stuffed.

          The local stock rep came along, to pay a call that day.
          He knew this bloke was on his own, his wife had gone away
          He didn't really think he'd get fresh scones for morning tea
          But nor was he prepared for what he was about to see.

          He rubbed his eyes in disbelief at what came into view
          For running down the catchment came this frantic-looking ewe.
          And on her heels in hot pursuit and wearing not a stitch
          The farmer yelling wildly "Come back here, you lousy bitch!"

          The stock rep didn't hang around, he took off in his car
          The cocky's reputation has been damaged near and far
          So bear in mind the Work Safe rule when next you check your flocks
          Spot the hazard, assess the risk, and always wear your jocks!
          Sold the Prado. Now FJ Cruiser

          Comment


          • Re: [OT] Jokes page

            WHAT PETS WRITE IN THEIR DIARIES

            Excerpt from a Dog's Diary........



            8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
            9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
            9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
            10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
            12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
            1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
            3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
            5:00 pm - Milk Bones! My favorite thing!
            7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
            8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
            11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

            Excerpt from a Cat's Diary...

            Error! Filename not specified.

            Day 983 of my captivity....

            My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
            They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed
            hash or some sort of dry nuggets.

            Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I
            nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

            The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an
            attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

            Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their
            feet.I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly
            demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made
            condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am.


            There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was
            placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event.
            However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my
            confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what
            his means and how to use it to my advantage.

            Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my
            tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try
            this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.
            I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and
            snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and
            seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

            The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with
            the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My
            captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated
            cell, so he is safe. For now!!!
            Spara

            'Early to bed and early to rise --
            Till you get enough money to do otherwise.'

            Comment


            • Re: [OT] Jokes page

              A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3
              year-old grandson.

              It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for
              sweets in the sweet aisle, biscuits in the biscuit aisle; and for
              fruit, cereal and pop in the other aisles.

              Meanwhile, Gramps is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice,
              "Easy, William, we won't be long . . . easy, boy."

              Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say, "It's okay,
              William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in
              there, boy."

              At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and
              Gramps says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax
              buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."

              Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his
              groceries and the boy into the car.

              She said to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you were
              amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you
              kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just
              calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to
              have you as his grandpa."

              "Thanks, lady," said the grandfather, "but I'm William . .. . the little
              bastard's name is Steve."
              Spara

              'Early to bed and early to rise --
              Till you get enough money to do otherwise.'

              Comment


              • Re: [OT] Jokes page

                Wisdom from training manuals:


                'If the enemy is in range, so are you..'

                - Infantry Journal-

                ________________________________



                'It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.'

                - US.Air Force Manual -

                ________________________________



                'Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword, obviously never encountered automatic weapons.' - General MacArthur -

                _______________________________



                'You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me.'

                - Infantry Sgt.-

                ________________________________



                'Tracers work both ways.'

                - Army Ordnance Manual-

                ________________________________



                'Five second fuses last about three seconds.'

                - Infantry Journal -

                ________________________________



                The three most useless things in aviation are: Fuel in the bowser; Runway behind you; and Air above you. -Basic Flight Training Manual-

                ________________________________



                'Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once.'

                - Naval Ops Manual -

                ________________________________



                'Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.'

                - Unknown Infantry Recruit-

                ________________________________



                'If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up to him.'

                - Infantry Journal-

                ________________________________



                'Yea, Though I Fly Through the Valley of the Shadow of Death, I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 50,000 Feet and Climbing.' - Sign over SR71 Wing Ops-

                ________________________________



                'You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3.'

                -Paul F. Crickmore (SR71 test pilot)-

                ________________________________



                'The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.'

                -Unknown Author-

                ________________________________



                'If the wings are travelling faster than the fuselage it has to be a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe.' - Fixed Wing Pilot-

                ________________________________



                'When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane, you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.' -Multi-Engine Training Manual-

                ________________________________



                'Without ammunition, the Air Force is just an expensive flying club.'

                -Unknown Author-

                ________________________________



                'If you hear me yell;"Eject, Eject, Eject!", the last two will be echos.'

                If you stop to ask "Why?", you'll be talking to yourself, because by

                then you'll be the pilot.' -Pre-flight Briefing from a Canadian F104 Pilot-

                ________________________________



                'What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?



                If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; but If ATC screws up, .... the pilot dies.'

                -Sign over Control Tower Door-

                ________________________________



                'Never trade luck for skill.'

                -Author Unknown-

                ________________________________



                The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in military aviation are:'Did you feel that?' 'What's that noise?' and'Oh S...!'

                -Authors Unknown-

                ________________________________



                'Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.'

                -Basic Flight Training Manual-

                ________________________________



                'Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it.'

                - Emergency Checklist-

                ________________________________



                'The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you.'

                - Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot) -

                ________________________________



                'There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime.'

                -Sign over Squadron Ops Desk at Davis-Montham AFB, AZ-

                ________________________________



                'You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full

                power to taxi to the terminal.' - Lead-in Fighter Training Manual -

                ________________________________



                As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives.



                The rescuer sees the bloodied pilot and asks,'What happened?'



                The pilot's reply: 'I don't know, I just got here myself!'
                Sold the Prado. Now FJ Cruiser

                Comment


                • Re: [OT] Jokes page

                  Many aspects of human sexuality are puzzling. Take celibacy, for example.
                  This can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by environmental factors.
                  While attending a Marriage Encounter Weekend, Tony and Julie listened to the instructor declare, 'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.'
                  He addressed the men. 'Can you each name and describe your wife's favourite flower?'
                  Tony leaned over, touched Julie's arm gently and whispered,

                  'Self-raising, isn't it?'

                  Thus began Tony's life of celibacy.
                  Spara

                  'Early to bed and early to rise --
                  Till you get enough money to do otherwise.'

                  Comment


                  • Re: [OT] Jokes page

                    In a small Texas town, ( Mt. Vernon ) Drummond's bar began construction on a new building to increase
                    their business.

                    The local Baptist church started a campaign to block the bar from opening with petitions and prayers.

                    Work progressed right up till the week before opening when lightning struck the bar and it burned to the
                    ground..

                    The church folks were rather smug in their outlook after that, until the bar owner sued the church on the
                    grounds that the church was ultimately responsible for the demise of his building, either through direct
                    or indirect actions or means.

                    The church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise in its reply
                    to the court.

                    As the case made its way into court, the judge looked over the paperwork.
                    At the hearing he commented, 'I don't know how I'm going to decide this, but as it appears from the
                    paperwork, we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation
                    that does not.
                    Spara

                    'Early to bed and early to rise --
                    Till you get enough money to do otherwise.'

                    Comment


                    • Re: [OT] Jokes page

                      A blonde goes into a coffee shop and notices there's a 'peel and win' sticker on her coffee cup.

                      So she peels it off and starts screaming,

                      'I've won a motorhome! I've won a motorhome!'


                      The waitress says, 'That's impossible. The biggest prize is a free Lunch.?'
                      But the blonde keeps on screaming,

                      'I've won a motorhome! I've won a motorhome!'


                      Finally, the manager comes over and says, 'Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken.

                      You couldn't have possibly won a motorhome because we didn't have that as a prize.

                      The blonde says, 'No, it's not a mistake. I've won a motorhome!'



                      And she hands the ticket to the manager and HE reads...





                      'W I N A B A G E L'
                      Spara

                      'Early to bed and early to rise --
                      Till you get enough money to do otherwise.'

                      Comment


                      • Re: [OT] Jokes page

                        An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.
                        Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.

                        Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
                        They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

                        Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

                        'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.
                        'I would like it infrequently' she replied.

                        The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered -
                        'Is that one word or two?'
                        Spara

                        'Early to bed and early to rise --
                        Till you get enough money to do otherwise.'

                        Comment


                        • Re: [OT] Jokes page

                          Classes for Women at
                          THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER

                          REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
                          By May 25, 2010

                          NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
                          OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.

                          Class 1
                          Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat
                          Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
                          Meets 4 wks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM..
                          Class 2
                          Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching About It for 3 Hours?
                          Round Table Discussion.
                          Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.
                          Class 3
                          Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping?--Group Debate.
                          Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.
                          Class 4
                          Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
                          Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.
                          Class 5
                          Curling Irons--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?
                          Examples on Video.
                          Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
                          At 7:00 PM
                          Class 6
                          How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program
                          Help Line Support and Support Groups.
                          Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM
                          Class 7
                          Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?
                          Open Forum.
                          Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.
                          Class 8
                          Health Watch--They Make Medicine for PMS - USE IT!
                          Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
                          Class 9
                          I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials.
                          Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.
                          Class 10
                          How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.
                          Driving Simulations.
                          4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.
                          Class 11
                          Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield.
                          Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined
                          Class 12
                          How to Shop by Yourself.
                          Meets 4 wks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

                          Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.
                          Sold the Prado. Now FJ Cruiser

                          Comment


                          • Re: [OT] Jokes page

                            An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home.

                            One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.

                            Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong,

                            'Yes, Nurse Tracy ,' said Mr. Wallace.

                            'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.'

                            Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy,
                            she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences .'

                            The following day, Mr.. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part
                            hanging out of his pyjamas.

                            He met Nurse Tracy. 'Mr. Wallace,' she said,
                            'You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that.

                            Please put your Private Part back inside your pyjamas..'

                            'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr. Wallace.
                            'I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.

                            'Yes,' said Nurse Tracy, 'you did tell me that,
                            but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?'













                            'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.'
                            Spara

                            'Early to bed and early to rise --
                            Till you get enough money to do otherwise.'

                            Comment


                            • Re: [OT] Jokes page

                              Just a tap on the shoulder:


                              A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.
                              The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up
                              over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
                              For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the still shaking driver said, 'Are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me.'

                              The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle the driver so badly.
                              The driver replied, 'No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my
                              fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab
                              I've been driving a hearse for the past 25 years.
                              Spara

                              'Early to bed and early to rise --
                              Till you get enough money to do otherwise.'

                              Comment


                              • Re: [OT] Jokes page

                                An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients.
                                As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler.
                                He gave her his name.
                                In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"
                                All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man.
                                He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, 'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'

                                The room erupted in applause!


                                DON'T MESS WITH OLD FOLKS.
                                Spara

                                'Early to bed and early to rise --
                                Till you get enough money to do otherwise.'

                                Comment

                                canli bahis siteleri bahis siteleri ecebet.net
                                mencisport.com
                                antalya escort
                                tsyd.org deneme bonusu veren siteler
                                deneme bonusu veren siteler
                                gaziantep escort
                                gaziantep escort
                                asyabahis maltcasino olabahis olabahis
                                erotik film izle Rus escort gaziantep rus escort
                                atasehir escort tuzla escort
                                sikis sex hatti
                                en iyi casino siteleri
                                deneme bonusu veren siteler
                                casibom
                                deneme bonusu veren siteler
                                deneme bonusu veren siteler
                                betticket istanbulbahis
                                Working...
                                X