[OT] Jokes page

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

Proud fathers.......



Four friends, who hadn't seen
each other in 30 years, reunited at a party...

After several drinks, one of
the men had to use the mens room.
Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, 'My son
is my pride and joy.
He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the
ladder.




He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to
climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the
company.
He became so rich that he
gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.'





The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride
and joy.
He started working for a big
airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot.




Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the
majority of its assets.
He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his
birthday.'






The third man said: 'Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the
best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction
company and is now a multimillionaire...




He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best
friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.'





The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth
returned from the restroom and asked:
'What are all the congratulations for?'
One of the three said: 'We
were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our
sons...
What about your
son?'

The fourth man replied: 'My
son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.'






The three friends said: 'What a shame... What a
disappointment.'
The fourth man replied: 'No,
I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him.

And he hasn't done too badly either. His birthday was two weeks ago,
and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.'

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

This is for all the germ conscious folks
That worry about using cold water to clean.

John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Saskatchewan .

After spending a great evening chatting the night away,
The next morning John's grandfather prepared
Breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast.


However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate,
And questioned his grandfather asking,

'Are these plates clean?'

His grandfather replied,

'They're as clean as cold water can get 'em..
Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!'


For lunch the old man made hamburgers.

Again, John was concerned about the plates,
As his appeared to have tiny specks around
The edge that looked like dried egg and asked,

'Are you sure these plates are clean?'

Without looking up the old man said,

'I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as
Clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!'

Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town
And as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass.

John yelled and said,
'Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car'.


Without diverting his attention from the football game
He was watching on TV, the old man shouted!

'Coldwater, go lay down now, yah hear me!'

[craigm Addicted PP Member Find all posts View Profile Close craigm]

A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.

Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, It's not the same hat!"
Or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!"
Or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything.

It was, after all, the Captain's' parrot.

Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board. The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it ... with the parrot.

They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day... and then 2 days ... and then 3 days... Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said...

"OK, I give up. Where's the f*kin' ship?"

[draycon Junior Member Find all posts View Profile Close draycon]

A young aboriginal kid was in the kitchen with his mother, he covered his face in flour, smile at his mother and said 'look mum, im a white kid' not impressed she slapped him hard behind the ear.

So the kid went to his father and said, 'look dad, im a white kid' again, his dad slaped him hard behind the ear.

still not happy the kid went to his grandmother and said 'look grandma, im a white kid' yet again, he got slapped behind the ear.
He turned to them all and said, 'im starting to see why white people hate you damn aboriginals'

[Ozpat Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close Ozpat]

There's a new Muslim clothing shop that opened in our shopping center, but they threw me out after I asked if I could look at some of the bomber jackets.

The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute towards the floods in Pakistan . I said we'd love to, but our garden hose only reaches to the end of the driveway.

I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!

I've heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new children's-oriented iPod after realizing that "iTouch Kids" is not a good product name.

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

Magic Sandals



A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica . They were touring around the market-place looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop.

From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, 'You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.'

So the married couple walked in.
The Jamaican said to them, 'I 'ave some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey makes you wild at sex.'

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the Sex God that he was.

The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you a sex freak?'

The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.'

Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on.

As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen before!!

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over the table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's thighs.

The Jamaican began screaming: 'You got dem on de wrong feet!'

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

A Scotsman and his wife walked past a swanky new restaurant last night...

"Did you smell that food?" she asked... "Incredible!"

Being the 'Kind Hearted Scotsman', he thought,

"What the heck, I'll treat her!"



... So they walked past it again...

[Ozpat Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close Ozpat]

One day a man decided to to have a holiday.
He booked himself on a Pacific cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."

"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman.
"I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches.
I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from an acacia tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very
unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed.
I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln it melted into ductile iron and I used that
to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says "and I'll give you a tour."

So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man
looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat.
Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and tree house.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck.
As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Please sit down."

"Would you like a drink?"

"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."

"Oh it's not coconut juice," winks the woman.
"I have a still. How would you like a Tropical Spritz?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.

After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces,
"I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave?
There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom.

There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone.
Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?"
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines,
each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias. She then beckons for him
to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him,
"We've both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely.
When was the last time you played around?”

She stares into his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing.
"You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes,
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
"You've built a Golf Course?"

[Ozpat Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close Ozpat]

A bloke notices his mate wearing an earring and says,
"Since when did you start wearing jewelry? I thought you were against that."

Mate says, "Since wife found it in the Prado!"

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

AND GOD CREATED SYDNEY

God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel,found him, resting on the seventh day.

He inquired, "Where have you been?"

God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test 'Balance.'"

"Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. "For example,northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things."

God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will bee xtremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?"

"That's Sydney, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful trees and gardens a beautiful river, and days filled with sunshine. The people from Sydney are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But whatabout balance, God? You said there would be 'balance.'"

God smiled, "I will create Canberra. Wait till you see the idiots I put there."

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

An Italian Secret.

they always say a little break does a marriage the world of good



An Italian's Secret to a Long Marriage.

At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Toronto, they have weekly husbands'
marriage seminars.

At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was
approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and
share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same
woman all these years.

Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, 'Wella, I'va tried to treat
her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to
Italy for the 25th anniversary!'

The priest responded, 'Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all
the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife
for your 50th anniversary?'

Giuseppe proudly replied, "I gonna go fetch her."

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

SCOTTISH GOLF CLUB MEMBERSHIP APPLICATION

An elderly Scottish Jew has decided to take it a little easier and take up golf, so he puts his name down at the local club.
After a week he receives a message that his application has been turned down.
So he goes down to the club to inquire why.

Secretary: You are aware that this is a Scottish golf club?

Scot: Aye but I am as Scottish as you are, Jock.
Secretary: This means that on formal occasions we wear kilts.

Scot: Aye, so do I.
Secretary: You are aware that we wear nothing under our kilts?
Scot: Aye, neither do I.
Secretary: But you are a Jew?
Scot: Aye, I be that.
Secretary: So you are circumcised?
Scot: Aye, I be that too.
Secretary: I am terribly sorry, but the members just would not feel comfortable with that.
Scot: Ach, away with ya, man.
I know that you have to be a Protestant to march with the Orangemen.
And I know that you have to be a Catholic to become a Knight of Saint Columbus.
But this is the first time I heard that you have to be a complete prick to join a golf club.

[boomer52 2014 Track Topaz owner! Find all posts View Profile Close boomer52]

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found
traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that
their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the British , in the weeks that followed, an American
archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story
published in the New York Times: "American archaeologists, finding traces of
250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an
advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the
British".

One week later, Australia's Northern Territory Times , reported the
following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in his backyard in Tennant
Creek , Northern Territory, Billi Bunji, a self-taught archaeologist,
reported that he found absolutely ####-all. Billi has therefore concluded
that 250 years ago, Australia had already gone wireless."
...makes ya feel bloody proud to be Australian!

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

I TRULY DID NOT KNOW THIS!




Las Vegas Churches accept gambling chips?

THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE TO THOSE OF YOU NOT LIVING IN
LAS VEGAS , BUT THERE ARE MORE CATHOLIC CHURCHES THAN CASINOS.

NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME WORSHIPPERS AT SUNDAY SERVICES WILL GIVE CASINO CHIPS RATHER THAN CASH WHEN THE BASKET IS PASSED.


SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM MANY DIFFERENT CASINOS, THE CHURCHES HAVE DEVISED A METHOD TO COLLECT THE OFFERINGS..

THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR COLLECTED CHIPS TO A NEARBY FRANCISCAN MONASTERY FOR SORTING AND THEN THE CHIPS ARE TAKEN TO THE CASINOS OF ORIGIN AND CASHED IN.












THIS IS DONE BY THE CHIP MONKS.



YOU DIDN'T EVEN SEE IT COMING DID YOU? --

[Ozpat Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close Ozpat]

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.
When I quizzed him on it, he reckoned he could stop any time.

---oOo----

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave.
As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about
with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it.
I thought to myself, they've lost the plot .....

----oOo----

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to
our local pet shop and they were $70! "Blow this," I thought, "I can get
one cheaper off the web."

----oOo----

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not happy.

----oOo----

I was at a cash point yesterday when a little old lady asked if I
could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

----oOo----

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

----oOo----

I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver
was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to
myself, "That guy's heading for a breakdown."

----oOo----

On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said 'English speaking Doctors'
I thought, 'What a good idea, why don't we have them in our country?'