[OT] Jokes page

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

BBQ RULES

We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore, it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity.
When a man volunteers to do the BBQ, the following chain of events are put into motion:
1. The woman buys the food.
2. The woman prepares the salad, vegetables and makes dessert.
3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on the tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the BBQ, beer in hand.
4. The women remain outside the compulsory three metre exclusion zone, where the exuberance of testosterone and other male bonding activities can take place without the interference of the women.
5. The MAN places the meat on the grill.
6. The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery.
7. The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring him another beer while he flips the meat.
8. The MAN takes the meat off the BBQ and hands it to the woman.
9. The woman preopares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces and brings them to the table.
10. After eaing, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
11. Everyone praises the MAN and thanks him for his cooking effort.
12. The man asks the woman how she enjoyed her 'night off'. Upon seeing her reaction, cocludes that there is just no pleasing some women!

[Just*Managing Member Find all posts View Profile Close Just*Managing]

BBQ

I don't get it. Why is just stating the way things are (and should be) funny

[jeff s Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close jeff s]

Question from a recent UK survey:

Are there too many foreigners in this country now?

Answer:
20% YES
10% NO
70% معهد الأمن العالمي بواشنط

[jeff s Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close jeff s]

Please Pay Attention!!!!



First-year students at Medical School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor began the lecture by telling them: "In medicine, it is necessary to possess two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body."



To illustrate, he pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the anus of the corpse, withdrew it, and stuck it in his mouth.



"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.



The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it. When everyone finished, the professor looked at them and said,



"The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."

[Chippy Addicted PP Member Find all posts View Profile Close Chippy]

[Chuck Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close Chuck]

Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly,
made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the
Garage to hook the boat to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a
torrential downpour.
There was snow mixed with the rain and the wind was blowing 50mph
So I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and
Discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.
I went back into the house, brewed 2 cups of coffee, quietly
Undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my
Wife's' back,
Now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out
There is terrible."
She sleepily replied,
"Can you believe my stupid husband is out Fishing in that stuff?"

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

Have you seen the new twin CAM ute

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and tried to ask him the following questions to get some
case background:

L: Have you any grounds?
P: Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.

L: No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
P: It made of concrete.

L: I don't think you understand. Do either of you have a real grudge?
P: No, we have carport, and not need one.

L: I mean. What are your relations like?
P: All my relations still in Poland.

L: Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
P: We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.

L: Does your wife beat you up?
P: No, I always up before her.

L: Is your wife a nagger?
P: No, she white.

L: Why do you want this divorce?
P: She going to kill me.

L: What makes you think that?
P: I got proof.

L: What kind of proof?
P: She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on
shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say. Polish Remover!!!

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

One rainy spring night in Spring Hill, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley.

Even before he rolled to a stop at the kerb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door.

Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.

"Where to?" he stammered.

"Milton Road", answered the woman.

"OK", he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.

The woman caught him staring at her and asked, "Just what the hell are you looking at?”

"Well ma'am", replied the driver, "I noticed that you're completely naked, and I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare."

The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, "Does THIS answer your question?


Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, "Got anything smaller?"

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFCULT TO SAY WHEN YOU ARE DRUNK!

Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon


THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU ARE DRUNK!!


Specificity
Anti-constitutionalistically
Passive-aggressive disorder
Transubstantiate


THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU ARE DRUNK!!!


Thanks, but I don’t want to have sex!
Nope, no more booze for me!
Sorry, but you’re not really my type!
MacDonalds? No thanks, I’m not hungry!
Good evening Officer. Isn’t it lovely out tonight?
Oh, I couldn’t! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
I’m not interested in fighting you.
Thank you, but I won’t make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I’d hate to look like a fool!
Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in the parking lot or on the side of the road.
I must be going home now, I have to go to work in the morning

[jeff s Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close jeff s]

A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third everything had just been reduced to a fiver when her mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible.

As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the shops. She decided to get in a couple more shops before heading to the hospital. She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful coffee slice complimentary from the last shop. She was jubilant. Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital.

She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will be more than likely the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round the clock care. And you'll now be his carer!'

The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed. The female doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead.
What'd you buy?'

[jeff s Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close jeff s]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U33Xg91HAlo

:roll:

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

Dumb frog!!

A blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an 'exotic' pet. As she
looks about the store, she notices a box FULL of livefrogs. The sign
says:'SEX FROGS' Only $20 each! Comes with 'complete' instructions. The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, 'I'll TAKE one!' As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, 'Just follow the instructions! The
blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home. As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully. She does EXACTLY what is specified .
1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you, and allow the frog
to do what he has been trained to do.

She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise . . .
NOTHING happens! The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the
paper it says, 'If you have any problems or questions .. please call the
pet store.' So, she calls the pet store. The man says, 'I'll be right
over.'Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The blonde welcomes him in and says, 'See, I've done everything according to the instructions.
The damn frog just SITS there!' The man . . . looking very concerned,
picks up the frog, stares'directly into its eyes' and STERNLY says:

'LISTEN TO ME!!
I'm only going to show you how to do this

ONE ... MORE .. TIME!!!'

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

Thought for the day:

Handle every situation like a dog ......



If you can't Eat it or Screw it.

Piss on it and Walk Away