[OT] Jokes page

[Mattfunk 120 Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close Mattfunk 120]

My boss said I should dress for the job I want , not the job I have.





I'm now sitting in a disciplinary hearing in a Batman suit


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[diesel69 Junior Member Find all posts View Profile Close diesel69]

A blind man walks into a bar, grabs his dog by its hind legs, and swung him around in a circle. The bartender says "Hey buddy, what are you doing?" And the blind man says "Don't mind me, I'm just looking around".

[clarkie383 Member Find all posts View Profile Close clarkie383]

A young fireman placed a ladder against the bedroom window of a burning house and rushed up. Inside was a curvy brunette in a see-through nightie.
"Aha" said he "You're the second pregnant girl I've rescued this year!"
"But I'm not pregnant!" the brunette indignantly exclaimed.

"You're not rescued yet either..."

[sweetpea Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close sweetpea]

An Englishman walked into a bar.....

It used to be an Englishman, a Scotsman and a Welshman walked into a bar....

But the Welsh and Scots are still at the Rugby.

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

> Why Irish Eyes Are Smiling....
>
> • Definition of an Irish husband: He hasn't kissed his wife for twenty
> years, but he will kill any man who does.
>
>
>
> • Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink. Quinn thinks
> he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.
>
>
> • The late Bishop Sheen stated that the reason the Irish fight so often
> among themselves is that they're always assured of having a worthy
> opponent.
>
>
> • An American lawyer asked, "Paddy, why is it that whenever you ask an
> Irishman a question, he answers with another question?"
> "Who told you that?" asked Paddy.
>
>
> • Question - Why are Irish jokes so simple?
> Answer - So the English can understand them.
>
>
> • Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and
> announced, "Not guilty."
> "That's grand!" shouted Reilly. "Does that mean I can keep the money?"
>
>
> • Irish lass customer: "Could I be trying on that dress in the window?"
> Shopkeeper: "I'd prefer that you use the dressing room."
>
>
> • Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, "Is that you I hear spittin' in
> the vase on the mantel piece?"
> "No," said himself, "but I'm gettin' closer all the time."
>
>
> • Q. What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control a wife?
> A. A bachelor.
>
>
> • Finnegin: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two o'clock in
> the morning. I can't break her of it.
> Keenan: What on earth is she doin' at that time?
> Finnegin: Waitin' for me to come home.
>
>
> • "O'Ryan," asked the druggist, "did that mudpack I gave you improve your
> wife's appearance?"
> "It did surely," replied O'Ryan, "but it keeps fallin' off!"
>
>
> • Did you hear about the Irish newlyweds who sat up all night on their
> honeymoon waiting for their sexual relations to arrive?
>
>
> • My mother wanted me to be a priest. Can you imagine giving up your sex
> life and then once a week people come in to tell you the details and
> highlights of theirs?
>
> ________________________________
>
> [

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

What a mistake


A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is
assigned to help the other monks copying the old canons and laws of the church, by hand.



He notices, however, that all of the monks are
copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.
So, the new monk goes to the Old Abbot to question
this, pointing out that if someone made even a small
error in the first copy, it would never be picked up!
In fact, that error would be continued in all of
the subsequent copies.




The head monk, says, "We have been copying
from the copies for centuries, but you make a
good point, my son."






He goes down into the dark caves
underneath the monastery where the original
manuscripts are held as archives,
in a locked vault that hasn't
been opened for hundreds of years.
Hours go by and nobody sees the Old Abbot.





So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him.
He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.
"We missed the R! We missed the R!

We missed the bloody R!"


The young monk asks the old Abbot, "What's wrong, father?"

With a choking voice, the old Abbot replies,

"The word was ....




CELEB R ATE!"

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

Doctor's Request
The other day I went over to our nearby Pharmacy. When I got there, I went straight to the back of the store to where the Pharmacists’ Counter is located and took out my little brown bottle along with a teaspoon and laid them both onto the counter.

The pharmacist came over smiled and asked if he could help me. I said, "Yes! Could you please taste this for me?"

Being I'm a senior citizen … I guess the Pharmacist just went along with me and picked up the spoon and put a tiny bit of the liquid on his tongue and swilled it around.

Then with a stomach-churning look on his face he spat it out on the floor and began coughing.

When he finally was finished, I looked him right in the eye and asked, “Now, does that taste sweet to you?"

The pharmacist, shaking his head back and forth with a venomous look in his eyes yelled, “HELL NO!!!"

So I said, "Oh thank God! That's a real relief! My doctor told me to get a pharmacist to test my urine for sugar!”

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

Bless the Australians and their sense of humour.

These were posted on an Australian tourism website, and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for cretins!)
________________________________________________
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow?
A: We import all plants fully grown, and then just sit around watching them die.
__________________________________________________
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
__________________________________________________
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks?
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles. Take lots of water.
__________________________________________________
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns , Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
__________________________________________________
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: Af-ri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.
Aust-ra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not ...
Oh, forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
__________________________________________________
Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south, and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
_________________________________________________
Q: Can I bring cutlery in to Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
__________________________________________________
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is ...
Oh, forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
__________________________________________________
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?
__________________________________________________
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.
__________________________________________________
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-mer-ica, which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled, and make good pets.
__________________________________________________
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.
You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking __________________________________________________
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? ( )
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
__________________________________________________

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.
__________________________________________________

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

****** FROM ROLLS-ROYCE STAFF MAGAZINE ******



Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist!! (true story)..


Scientists at Rolls Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead
chickens at the windshields of airliners and military jets all travelling
at maximum velocity.


The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with
airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the
Windshields of their new high speed trains.


Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the American engineers.


When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken shot
out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to
smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's
back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin like
an arrow shot from a bow..

The horrified Yanks sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the
experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the
British scientists for suggestions.


You're going to love this......



Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo:




"Defrost the chicken."

/10862 - Release Date: 10/21/15

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

Subject: Aplomb......



The British have such a command of decorum and aplomb that we can only aspire to…
For my friends who appreciate the finer points of the English language used correctly.


His Lordship was in the study when the butler approached and coughed discreetly.

"May I ask you a question, My Lord ?"



"Go ahead, Carson ," said His Lordship.



"I am doing the crossword in The Times and I have found a word I am not too clear on."


"What word is that ?" asked His Lordship.



"Aplomb," My Lord.



"Now that's a difficult one to explain. I would say it is self-assurance or complete composure."



"Thank you, My Lord, but I'm still a little confused."



"Let me give you an example to make it clearer. Do you remember a few months ago when the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge arrived to spend a weekend with us ?"

"I remember the occasion very well, My Lord. It gave the staff and myself much pleasure to look after them."



"Also," continued the Earl of Grantham, "do you remember when Wills plucked a rose for Kate in the rose garden ?"



"I was present on that occasion, My Lord, ministering to their needs.



"While plucking the rose, a thorn embedded itself in his thumb very deeply."



"I witnessed the incident, My Lord, and saw the Duchess herself remove the thorn and bandage his thumb with her own dainty handkerchief."



"That evening the hole that the rose made on his thumb was very sore. Kate had to cut up his venison even though it was extremely tender."



"Yes, My Lord, I did see everything that transpired that evening."

"And do you remember the next morning while you were pouring coffee for Her Ladyship, Kate inquired of Wills with a loud voice,
'Darling, does your prick still throb ?'


And you, Carson, did not spill one drop of coffee ?


THAT , Carson, is complete composure, or aplomb.”

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

The 2015 Darwin Awards are out. This annual honor is given to the person/s who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves, in the most extraordinarily stupid way.

Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out.

This year's winner was a real rocket scientist - HONEST! Read on..and remember that every one of these is TRUE. The nominees were:

Semifinalist #1
A young Canadian guy, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply, because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk.
Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. The resulting explosion and fire burned his house down, killing both him and his sister.

Semifinalist #2
Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when another plane approached. It appears they decided to 'moon' the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles.

Semifinalist #3
A 22-year-old male resident ofReston, Virginia was found dead after he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement.
Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground. Police say the apparent cause of death was 'Major trauma.'

Semifinalist #4
A man in Alabama died from multiple rattlesnake bites. It seems he and a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The friend - no doubt a future Darwin Award candidate - was hospitalized.

Semifinalist #5
Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of gas leaking in the building. Sensibly, management evacuated the building, extinguishing all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched to deal with the incident. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described seeing one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter! Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to 3 miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician suspected of causing the blast had never been thought of as ''bright'' by his peers.

Drum Roll Please ....and now, The Winner of this year's DarwinAward (awarded, as always, posthumously):

An Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering metal embedded in the side of a cliff rising above the road at the apex of a curve.
The wreckage resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it was a car. The type of car was unidentifiable at the scene. Policy investigators finally pieced together the mystery.

An amateur rocket scientist had somehow gotten hold of a J A T O (Jet Assisted Take Off) unit, which is actually a solid fuel rocket used to give heavy military transport planes an extra 'push' for taking off from short airfields.
He had driven his Chevy Impala out into the desert and found a long, straight stretch of road. He then attached the J A T O unit to the car, jumped in, got up some speed and fired off the J A T O!

The facts, as best as could be determined, are that the operator of the 1967 Impala hit the J A T O ignition at a distance of approximately 3.0 miles from the crash site. This was established by the scorched and melted asphalt at that location.

The J A T O, if operating properly, would have reached maximum thrust within 5 seconds, causing the Chevy to reach speeds well in excess of 350 mph and continuing at full power for an additional 20 -25 seconds. The driver, and soon to be pilot, would have experienced G-forces usually reserved for dog fighting F -14 pilots under full afterburners, causing him to become irrelevant for the remainder of the journey.

The Chevy automobile remained on the straight highway for about 2.5 miles (15-20 seconds) before the driver applied and completely melted the brakes, blowing the tires and leaving thick rubber marks on the road surface, then becoming airborne for an additional 1.4 miles and impacting the cliff face at a height of 125 feet, leaving a blackened crater 3 feet deep in the rock.

Most of the driver's remains were not recoverable. However, small fragments of bone, teeth and hair were extracted from the crater, and fingernail and bone shards were removed from a piece of debris believed to be a portion of the steering wheel.

Epilogue: It has been calculated that this moron attained a ground speed of approximately 420 mph, though much of his voyage was not actually on the ground.

[sweetpea Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close sweetpea]

Always humerous but sertainly not the 2015 awards

http://www.snopes.com/horrors/freakish/darwin04.asp

The story of the car with the JATO rocket is more than 20 years old and has been attempted on Mythbusters several times including their very first episode.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/JATO_Rocket_Car

Keep up[ the good work,

S.

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

An Irishman was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the dark shadows..

'Thirty quid,' she whispers.

Murphy had never been with a hooker before, but decides what the hell, it's only thirty quid.

So they hid in the bushes.

They're going 'at it' for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them.

It is the police.

'What's going on here, people?' asks the cop.

'I'm making love to me wife,' Paddy answers sounding annoyed.

'Oh, I'm sorry,' says the cop, 'I didn't know.'

'Well, neidder did I, til ya shined that bloody light in her face!'

[MidLifeCrisis Out of control poster! Find all posts View Profile Close MidLifeCrisis]

As seen on faceache:

[MidLifeCrisis Out of control poster! Find all posts View Profile Close MidLifeCrisis]

True story

The wife came over to me last night as I sat in my comfy arm chair watching TV. She bent toward me to give me a peck on the cheek and say goodnight. My arm was hanging on the side of the cahir and as I went to embrace her it accidently went inside her dress rather than outside. She looked at me and said "what am I your manikin now? I looked at her and responded " bloody good one huh, did you see my lips move?