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  • #16
    Little Johnny, on a day when he was being particularly reckless, was playing in the backyard one morning.
    Soon, some honeybees started swirling around, annoying little Johnny. He began stomping on them in his temper. His father caught him trampling the honeybees, and after a brief moment of thought said, "That's it! No honey for you for one month!"

    Later that afternoon, Johnny pondered upon some butterflies, and soon started catching them and crushing them under his feet. His father again caught him, and after a brief moment of thought, said, "No butter for you for one month!"

    Early that evening, Johnny's mother was cooking dinner, and got jumpy when cockroaches started scurrying around the kitchen floor. She began stomping on them one by one until all the cockroaches were dead. Johnny's mother looked up to find Johnny and his father standing there watching her. To which Johnny said, "Are you going to tell her, daddy, or do you want me to?"
    06 GXL D4D, 6spd, Snorkel, ARB bar, XS900 50w HID lights, 55W HID Headlight upgrades, T/bar, 7" GPS, QStarz data logger, 52L Bushman Fridge, Premier winch, Sandgrabbas, GME TX3440, AE4705 antenna, Scangauge II, Dual Batteries, Aero bars & rack, Drawers, 2" Ironman/Rancho/King lift, Under bonnet compressor, Black ducks, Voltage booster, Rear table, AVE TPMS,

    Comment


    • #17
      Subject: What Starts with F and ends with K

      A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

      Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

      Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

      While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

      Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

      Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
      Harry: "9."

      Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
      Harry: "36."

      And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
      The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."

      Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

      The principal and Harry both agreed.

      Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

      Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

      Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

      The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

      Harry replied: "Pockets."

      Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

      Harry: "Pants."

      Ms Brooks: "What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"

      Harry: "Coconut."

      The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

      Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

      The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

      Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"

      Harry: "Shake hands."

      The principal was trembling.

      Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"

      Harry: "Firetruck."

      The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong...... "
      Spara

      'Early to bed and early to rise --
      Till you get enough money to do otherwise.'

      Comment


      • #18
        Politics:

        Son: Dad, I have to do a special report for school, can I ask you a question?

        Father: Sure son. What's the question?

        Son: What is politics?

        Father: Well, let's take our home for an example. I am the
        wage earner, so let's call me Capitalism. Your mother
        is the administrator of money, so we'll call her the
        Government. We take care of your needs, so let's call
        you the People. We'll call the nanny the Working Class
        and your brother we can call the Future.

        Do you understand son?

        Son: I'm not really sure, Dad. I'll have to think about it.

        That night awakened by his brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the Nanny's room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the nanny. The boy's knocking on the door went totally unheeded by his father and the nanny, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep. The next morning he reported to his father.

        Son: Dad, now I think I understand what politics is.

        Father: Good son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?

        Son: Well Dad, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class,
        Government is sound asleep, the People are being
        completely ignored and the Future is full of crap.
        06 GXL D4D, 6spd, Snorkel, ARB bar, XS900 50w HID lights, 55W HID Headlight upgrades, T/bar, 7" GPS, QStarz data logger, 52L Bushman Fridge, Premier winch, Sandgrabbas, GME TX3440, AE4705 antenna, Scangauge II, Dual Batteries, Aero bars & rack, Drawers, 2" Ironman/Rancho/King lift, Under bonnet compressor, Black ducks, Voltage booster, Rear table, AVE TPMS,

        Comment


        • #19
          STUD ROOSTER

          A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for
          his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and
          says, "OK old fart, time for you to retire." The old rooster replies,
          "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what
          it has done to me.

          Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?" The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over." The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you
          around the farmhouse.

          Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."

          The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance, old
          man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start." The old
          rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster
          takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the
          farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is only about
          5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer,
          meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he
          sees the roosters running by. The Old Rooster is squalking and
          running as hard as he can. The Farmer grabs his shotgun and - BOOM -
          he blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head
          and says, "Dammit..... third gay rooster I bought this month." Moral
          of this story?

          ... Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - age, skill, wisdom, and a little
          treachery always overcome youth and arrogance!
          Spara

          'Early to bed and early to rise --
          Till you get enough money to do otherwise.'

          Comment


          • #20
            A man and his wife are awakened, at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud
            pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
            "Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning!"

            He slams the door and returns to bed. "Who was that?" asked his wife.
            "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers. "Did you help him?" She asks.
            "No, I did not, it is 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!"
            "Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember, about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
            The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

            He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
            "Yes" comes back the answer. "Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
            "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark. "Where are you?" asks the husband.
            "Over here, on the swing!", replies the drunk.
            Spara

            'Early to bed and early to rise --
            Till you get enough money to do otherwise.'

            Comment


            • #21
              WHY PARENTS DRINK

              A boss wondered one day why his most valued employee had
              not phoned in sick that morning. Having an urgent problem
              with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee’s
              home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whisper.
              “Hello.” “Is your daddy home?” he asked.
              “Yes,” whispered the small voice.
              “May I talk with him?” The child whispered, “No.”
              Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked.
              “Is your mummy there?” “Yes.” “May I talk with her?”
              Again the small voice whispered, “No.”
              Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a
              message, the boss asked, “Is anybody else there?”
              “Yes,” whispered the child, “a policeman.”
              Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home,
              the boss asked, “May I speak with the policeman?”
              “No, he’s busy,” whispered the child.
              “Busy doing what?” “Talking to Daddy and Mummy
              and the Fireman.” came the whispered answer.
              Growing more worried as he heard what sounded like a
              helicopter through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked,
              “What is that noise?” “A helicopter.” answered the
              whispering voice. “What is going on there?” demanded the
              boss, now truly apprehensive.
              Again! Whispering, the child answered, “The search team
              just landed the helicopter.”
              Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked,
              “What are they searching for?”
              Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle..… “ME!”
              LES
              [url=http://www.brisbane4wdclub.org/index1.htm]Brisbane 4Wd Club Inc[/url]
              [url=http://www.brisbane4wdclub.org/images/avatars/mystuff.htm]MY STUFF[/url]

              Comment


              • #22
                As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in Water there is bacteria.

                In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

                However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

                Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health

                Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit.

                There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:

                I'm doing it as a public service.
                Spara

                'Early to bed and early to rise --
                Till you get enough money to do otherwise.'

                Comment


                • #23
                  SOME TIME-HONORED TRUTHS:

                  1. Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things.
                  2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
                  3. One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.
                  4. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.
                  5. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
                  6. The older you get, the better you realize you were.
                  7. I doubt, therefore I might be.
                  8. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
                  9. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
                  10. Women like silent men, they think they're listening.
                  11. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
                  12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
                  13. A fool and his money are soon partying.
                  14. Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?
                  15. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
                  16. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery.
                  17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
                  18. If God dropped acid, would he see people?
                  19. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
                  20. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
                  21. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
                  22. If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?
                  23. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
                  24. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
                  25. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

                  Cheers
                  Chippy

                  Comment


                  • #24
                    BRICKLAYER'S ACCIDENT REPORT

                    This is a bricklayer's accident report, which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian equivalent of the Workers' Compensation board.

                    This is a true story. Had this guy died, he'd have received a Darwin Award
                    for sure....

                    Dear Sir,
                    I am writing in response to your request for additional information in
                    Block 3 of the accident report form. I put 'poor planning' as the cause of
                    my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following
                    details will be sufficient.

                    I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working
                    alone on the roof of a new six story building. When I completed my work, I
                    found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found
                    to be slightly in excess of 500 lbs.

                    Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a
                    barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on
                    the sixth floor.

                    Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel
                    out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope,
                    holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.

                    You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 175lbs.

                    Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I forgot to
                    let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side
                    of the building.

                    In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now
                    proceeding downward at an equal, impressive speed. This explained the
                    fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in
                    section 3 of the accident report form. Slowed only slightly, I continued my
                    rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two
                    knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately this time I was able to hold
                    tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience a great deal of
                    pain.

                    At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the
                    ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of
                    the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to
                    my weight. As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the
                    building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up.

                    This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several
                    lacerations of my legs and lower body. Here my luck began to change
                    slightly.

                    The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my
                    injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three
                    vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the
                    pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I must have lost my presence of
                    mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin
                    its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs.

                    I hope this answers your inquiry.
                    [color=red]GXL D4D AUTO Option pack more to follow & Camprite TL8s[/color] [url=http://www.fuelly.com/driver/Chuck1/prado][img]http://www.fuelly.com/smallsig-metric/46023.png[/img][/url]

                    Diabolus fecit, ut id facerem!

                    Comment


                    • #25
                      The 23 Rules of Safe Flying

                      1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory

                      2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.

                      3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.

                      4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.

                      5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

                      6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.

                      7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.

                      8. A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again.

                      9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.

                      10. You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.

                      11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival: large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa.

                      12. Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.

                      13. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.

                      14. Always try to keep the number of landing you make equal to the number of takeoffs you've made.

                      15. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately, no one knows what these are.

                      16. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.

                      17. Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.

                      18. If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.

                      19. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.

                      20. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment.

                      21. It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.

                      22. Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.

                      23. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to repeal.
                      [color=red]GXL D4D AUTO Option pack more to follow & Camprite TL8s[/color] [url=http://www.fuelly.com/driver/Chuck1/prado][img]http://www.fuelly.com/smallsig-metric/46023.png[/img][/url]

                      Diabolus fecit, ut id facerem!

                      Comment


                      • #26
                        An elderly man,Morris, and woman, Molly, in a retirement home sit on a bench and talk month after month. One day he turns to her and says, 'Molly we sit here an talk month after month would you mind while we are sitting here for you to hod my private.' She says, 'Morris that is OK by me.' For the next couple of months they sit and talk while she holds his private. One day she comes out to talk and can't find Morris. She thinks the worst when all of a sudden she sees him sitting on another bench with a lady who is holding his private. She walks over to him and says, 'Morris, for months we have sat together and talked while I held your private now you are here with her and she is holding your private. What has she got that I don't have.' He says.........
                        'Parkinsons.'
                        Spara

                        'Early to bed and early to rise --
                        Till you get enough money to do otherwise.'

                        Comment


                        • #27
                          London Times Obituary of the late Mr. Common Sense

                          'Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He
                          will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:
                          Knowing when to come in out of the rain; why the early bird gets the
                          worm; Life isn't always fair; and maybe it was my fault.

                          Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more
                          than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in
                          charge).

                          His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but
                          overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy
                          charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended
                          from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for
                          reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

                          Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the
                          job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly
                          children.

                          It declined even further when schools were required to get parental
                          consent to administer sun lotion or an Elastoplast to a student; but
                          could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to
                          have an abortion.

                          Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became
                          contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better
                          treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you
                          couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar
                          could sue you for assault.

                          Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to
                          realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in
                          her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

                          Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He
                          is survived by his 4 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, I Want It Now,
                          Someone Else Is To Blame, and I'm A Victim.

                          Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If
                          you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do
                          nothing.'
                          Spara

                          'Early to bed and early to rise --
                          Till you get enough money to do otherwise.'

                          Comment


                          • #28
                            On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when a wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it.

                            Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. I'm too young to die, she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable. I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman. Well, I've had it. Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN ?"

                            For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

                            Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. He's gorgeous. Tall, built with long flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time.

                            No one moves. The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the stranger approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his broad tan chest as he reaches her. He extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers:

                            "Iron this."
                            06 GXL D4D, 6spd, Snorkel, ARB bar, XS900 50w HID lights, 55W HID Headlight upgrades, T/bar, 7" GPS, QStarz data logger, 52L Bushman Fridge, Premier winch, Sandgrabbas, GME TX3440, AE4705 antenna, Scangauge II, Dual Batteries, Aero bars & rack, Drawers, 2" Ironman/Rancho/King lift, Under bonnet compressor, Black ducks, Voltage booster, Rear table, AVE TPMS,

                            Comment


                            • #29
                              SUPERSEX

                              A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a

                              nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of

                              her nightgown and say "Supersex". She walked up to an

                              elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she

                              said, "Supersex." He sat silently for a moment or two and

                              finally answered, "I'll take the soup."
                              Spara

                              'Early to bed and early to rise --
                              Till you get enough money to do otherwise.'

                              Comment


                              • #30
                                For Bill Gates fans...one person's version of his afterlife:

                                Satan greets him: "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever.

                                Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions.

                                Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a beautiful young blonde with an alluring look on her face, sitting at a table on which there is a bottle of the finest wine. To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner.

                                Without hesitation, Bill says "I'll take this option." "Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Gates.

                                As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer.

                                "That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer. "Why did you give him the best place of all!" "That's what you think" snickered Satan.

                                "The bottle has an opening in it and the girl hasn't!"

                                "What about the PC?"

                                "It has Windows 95!" laughed Satan. "And it's missing three keys,"

                                "Which three?"

                                "Control, Alt, and Delete"
                                06 GXL D4D, 6spd, Snorkel, ARB bar, XS900 50w HID lights, 55W HID Headlight upgrades, T/bar, 7" GPS, QStarz data logger, 52L Bushman Fridge, Premier winch, Sandgrabbas, GME TX3440, AE4705 antenna, Scangauge II, Dual Batteries, Aero bars & rack, Drawers, 2" Ironman/Rancho/King lift, Under bonnet compressor, Black ducks, Voltage booster, Rear table, AVE TPMS,

                                Comment

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