[OT] Jokes page

[SWR Banned Find all posts View Profile Close SWR]

For the Guys & Gal's

DO YOU NEED CHEERING UP ?

Well, here's a great idea!

Watch your wedding video backwards.

The night starts with you getting a root ...

Then you have a great time, good food & drink and sober up without a hangover ...

You'll love the end bit where you take the ring off, go back down the aisle, jump in the car & duck off with your mates

[footoo Member Find all posts View Profile Close footoo]

FROGS

Once upon a time there was a bunch of tiny frogs.... who arranged a jumping competition.

The goal was to reach the top of a very high tower.

A big crowd had gathered around the tower to see the race and cheer on the contestants....

The race began....

Honestly:

No one in crowd really believed that the tiny frogs would reach the top of the tower.

You heard statements such as:

'Oh, WAY too difficult!!'

'They will NEVER make it to the top.'

or:

'Not a chance that they will succeed. The tower is too high!'

The tiny frogs began collapsing. One by one....

Except for those, who in a fresh tempo, were climbing higher and higher....

The crowd continued to yell, 'It is too difficult!!! No one will make it!'

More tiny frogs got tired and gave up....

But ONE continued higher and higher and higher....

This one wouldn't give up!


At the end everyone else had given up climbing the tower. Except for the one tiny frog who, after a big effort, was the only one who reached the top!

THEN all of the other tiny frogs naturally wanted to know how this one frog managed to do it?


A contestant asked the tiny frog how he had found the strength to succeed and reach the goal?

It turned out....

That the winner was DEAF!!!!

The wisdom of this story is:

Never listen to other people's tendencies to be negative or pessimistic.... because they take your most wonderful dreams and wishes away from you -- the ones you have in your heart!

Always think of the power words have.

Because everything you hear and read will affect your actions!

Therefore:

ALWAYS be.... POSITIVE!

And above all: Be DEAF when people tell YOU that you cannot fulfil your dreams!

Thought a couple of times about posting this, but thankyou skwr having survived the rust AND the treatment that is spot on..

[craigm Addicted PP Member Find all posts View Profile Close craigm]

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any Two points in his body.. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked Out with $96,000.

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied,
'From the tip of my man part to my testicles.'

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two Officers had received.
But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer. The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop 'em,' which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's man part and began to work back. "Dear Lord!", he suddenly exclaimed,

''Where are your testicles?''

The old Chief calmly replied, '' Vietnam ''.

[Liftman Lurker Find all posts View Profile Close Liftman]

A Sparky dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself at the Pearly Gates.
A brass band is playing, the angels are singing a beautiful hymn, a huge crowd is cheering and shouting his name and absolutely everyone wants to shake his hand.
Just when he thinks things can't get any better, Saint Peter himself runs over, apologises for not greeting him at the Pearly Gates, shakes his hand ans says: "Congratulations son, we've been waiting a long time for you."
Totally confused and a little embarrased, the sparky looks sheepishly to Saint Peter and says"congratulations for what?. I honestly don't remember doing anything special when I was alive.
Saint Peter says "I am amazed at your modesty. We're celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old! The heavenly Father himself wants to see you..
The Sparky is stunned and says to Saint Peter that he only lived to be 40.
"That's simply impossible son," retorts Saint Peter. "We've added up your time sheets...!"

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

A Blonde Bombshell buys the new Automatic BMW X8 sport.
She drives the car perfectly well during the day, but
at night the car just won't move at all.
She tries driving the car at night for a week but
still no luck. She then furiously calls the
BMW dealers and they send out a technician to her.
The technician asks "Miss, are you sure you are
using the right gears?"
Full of anger, she replies "You fool, idiot man, how you
could ask such a question, I'm not stupid!
I use 'D' for the Day, and 'N' for the Night..."

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

As we get older we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to "make a difference" in the world. It is at these times that our hopes are boosted by the remarkable achievements of other seniors who have found the courage to take on challenges that would make many of us wither.

Harold Jenkins is such a person:


THIS IS QUOTED FROM HAROLD:
"I've often been asked, 'What do you do now that you're retired?' Well ... I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background and one of the things I enjoy most is converting beer, wine, and whiskey into urine. It's rewarding, uplifting, satisfying, and fulfilling. I do it every day, and I really enjoy it."

Harold should be an inspiration to us all.

[Liftman Lurker Find all posts View Profile Close Liftman]

I did not know this...

When you drink vodka over ice, it can give you kidney failure.
When you drink rum over ice, it can give you liver failure.

When you drink whiskey over ice, it can give you heart
problems.
When you drink gin over ice, it can give you brain problems.

Apparently, ice is really bad for you.
Warn all your friends.

[Fozzy Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Fozzy]

What's the worst thing your wife can say while you're having sex?

"Hi Honey, I'm home!"

Cheers

Dave

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

Evidently an unnamed Credit Suisse economist has come up with this splendid
market portrait:-

"The market is currently like a strapless bra; half of us are wondering
what's holding it up and the other half are waiting for it to drop so they
can grab the opportunity with both hands"

[AJ120 Out of control poster! Find all posts View Profile Close AJ120]

What's the worst thing your wife can say while you're having sex?

"Hi Honey, I'm home!"

Cheers

Dave

Speaking from experience are you Dave

Cheers Andrew

[Liftman Lurker Find all posts View Profile Close Liftman]

Distinction between Guts and Balls

To those of you who are nit-pickers about the meaning of words: there is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls, but do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:

GUTS - is arriving home late, after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask, “Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?”

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, with lipstick on your collar, and slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say, “You're next, Chubby.”

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome.

Both result in death.

[SWR Banned Find all posts View Profile Close SWR]

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks.
His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.

One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases.
It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.

"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John.

"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy.

The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school."

"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy.

"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.

"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair.

With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."

"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."

The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"

The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

[Gramps Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close Gramps]

Fresh evidence that supports Lindy Chamberlain...

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

These are actual comments made by South Carolina Troopers that were taken off their car videos
1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."

2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document." (My Favourite)

4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."
6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write
anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention
that I'm the shift supervisor?"

8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not.
Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy
and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."

11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC." (National Crime Information Centre )

13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"

14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're
allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours.
So you know someone who can post your bail."

AND THE WINNER IS....

16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."

[grandeandy01 Junior Member Find all posts View Profile Close grandeandy01]

Once upon a time there was a very handsome
male camel with two huge camel humps

He fell in love and married a beautiful
female camel who had one perfect camel hump

As time progressed, they became the proud parents
of a wonderful baby camel who had no humps.

They contemplated long and hard on what to call their beautiful little **boy.
They finally decided *on...... ..
Are you ready for this????? ‘





Humpfree