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  • Re: [OT] Jokes page

    Will I Live to see 80?

    Here's something to think about.

    I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I just turned 60.)

    A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?' He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?' 'Oh no,' I replied. . 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

    Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs? 'I said, 'Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'


    'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?' 'No, I don't,' I said.

    He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?' 'No,' I said.


    He looked at me and said,... 'Then, why do you even give a shit?
    Sold the Prado. Now FJ Cruiser

    Comment


    • Re: [OT] Jokes page

      Blonde in Church

      An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, 'Someone in this congregation has spread a rumour that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan.
      This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this.

      Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family.'

      No one moved. The preacher continued, 'Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood?

      Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression.'

      Again all was quiet. Then slowly, a drop dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would
      stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, 'Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding.

      I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets.'

      The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.
      Sold the Prado. Now FJ Cruiser

      Comment


      • Re: [OT] Jokes page

        A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian
        coast. He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a
        terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.

        Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a
        couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable. The Sarge
        says, 'Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad
        news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news'.

        'Well,' says the bloke, 'I guess I'd better have the bad news first?' The Sarge
        says, 'I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here
        found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef.
        He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.'

        The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit of A
        turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what
        the good news is.

        The Sarge says, 'Well when we got your wife upthere were quite a few
        really good sized crays and a swag ofNice crabs attached to her,
        so we've brought you your share.'

        He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five
        crabs in it. 'Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an Ill
        wind and all that... So what's the other possible good news?

        'Well', the Sarge says, 'if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill
        Here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over
        There and pull her up again!



        joey
        Featured - issue 140 Australian 4wd Action.
        -issue 52 Modified 4wds .
        Locked ,Lifted, boosted Brut---"Pradzilla".
        [IMG]http://i236.photobucket.com/albums/ff268/bigfryy/_0481154045-2.jpg[/IMG]

        Comment


        • Re: [OT] Jokes page

          Subject: Grandpa and the Audit





          The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.

          The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his

          attorney.

          The auditor said, "well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no

          full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money

          at gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

          "I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Grandpa. "How about a

          demonstration?"

          The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay, go ahead."

          Grandpa says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own

          eye."

          The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "It's a bet."

          Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

          Grandpa says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite

          my other eye."

          Now the auditor can tell that Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

          Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned

          auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with

          Grandpa's attorney as witness. He starts to get nervous.

          "Want to go double or nothing?" Grandpa asks. "I'll bet you six

          thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee

          into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere

          in between."

          The auditor twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and

          decides there's no way this old guy could manage that stunt, so he

          agrees again.

          Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but, although he

          strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the waste basket on

          the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's

          desk.

          The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major

          loss into a huge win.

          But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

          "Are you okay?" the auditor asks.

          " Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Grandpa told me

          he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me 25 thousand dollars that he

          could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy

          about it."



          DON'T MESS WITH OLD PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!!
          Sold the Prado. Now FJ Cruiser

          Comment


          • Re: [OT] Jokes page

            Two blondes with hammers, Carol and Donna, were doing some carpentery
            work on a Habitat for Humanity house.

            Carol, who was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail
            pouch, pull out a nail, and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.
            Donna, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you
            throwing those nails away?"
            Carol explained, "When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them
            have the head on the wrong end, and I throw them away."
            Donna got completely upset and yelled, "You moron! Those nails aren't
            defective! They're for the other side of the house!"
            Spara

            'Early to bed and early to rise --
            Till you get enough money to do otherwise.'

            Comment


            • Re: [OT] Jokes page

              A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of
              her index finger shot off.
              "How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.
              "Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.
              "What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting
              off your finger?"
              "No, silly, " the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and
              then I thought, I just paid $6,000.00 for these implants. I'm not
              shooting myself in the chest."
              "So then?" asked the doctor.
              "Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, "I just paid $3,000.00
              to get my teeth straightened. I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."
              "So then?"
              "Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: "This is going to make a
              loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the
              trigger.
              Spara

              'Early to bed and early to rise --
              Till you get enough money to do otherwise.'

              Comment


              • Re: [OT] Jokes page

                A blonde was driving home after a game, and got caught in a really bad
                hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it
                to a repair shop.

                The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some
                fun. He told her to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and
                all the dents would pop out.

                So the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees, and started
                blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little
                harder, and still nothing happened.

                Her blonde roommate saw her, and asked, "What are you doing?"

                The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow
                into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.

                The roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Uh, like hello! You need to roll
                up the windows first."
                Spara

                'Early to bed and early to rise --
                Till you get enough money to do otherwise.'

                Comment


                • Re: [OT] Jokes page

                  A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss asked
                  sympathetically, "What's the matter?"

                  The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that
                  my mother had passed away."

                  The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, "Why don't you go home for the
                  day? Take the day off to relax and rest."

                  "Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it, and
                  I have the best chance of doing that here."

                  The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. A couple of
                  hours pass, and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out
                  from his office, and sees the blonde crying hysterically.

                  "What's so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?" he asks.

                  "No!" exclaims the blonde. "I just received a horrible call from my
                  sister. Her mother died, too!"
                  Spara

                  'Early to bed and early to rise --
                  Till you get enough money to do otherwise.'

                  Comment


                  • Re: [OT] Jokes page

                    Spara, you are the best!
                    Sold the Prado. Now FJ Cruiser

                    Comment


                    • Re: [OT] Jokes page

                      These classifieds actually ran in newspapers - or so they say !!!


                      smile for your day...

                      FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
                      8-years old. Hateful little bastard. Bites!

                      FREE PUPPIES:
                      1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

                      FREE PUPPIES..
                      Mother, AKC German Shepherd.
                      Father, Super Dog...able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

                      FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG.
                      Looks like a rat. Been out a while.
                      Better be a big reward.

                      COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
                      Also 1 gay bull for sale.

                      NORDIC TRACK
                      $300 Hardly used, call Chubby.

                      JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
                      Must sell washer and dryer $300.

                      WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
                      Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie.

                      FOR SALE BY OWNER:
                      Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition.
                      $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed,
                      Got married. Wife knows everything..
                      Spara

                      'Early to bed and early to rise --
                      Till you get enough money to do otherwise.'

                      Comment


                      • Re: [OT] Jokes page

                        TWO NUNS
                        There were two nuns...
                        One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),
                        and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).
                        It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
                        SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
                        SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
                        SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?
                        SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
                        SM: It's not working.
                        SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
                        SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
                        SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and
                        I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
                        So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
                        Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.
                        Then Sister Logical arrives.
                        SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here!
                        Tell me what happened!
                        SL: The only logical thing happened.
                        The man couldn't follow us both,so he followed me
                        SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
                        SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
                        SM: And?
                        SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me
                        SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?
                        SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
                        SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
                        SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
                        SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
                        SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?
                        A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants
                        down.

                        And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,

                        I'll pray for you!
                        Spara

                        'Early to bed and early to rise --
                        Till you get enough money to do otherwise.'

                        Comment


                        • Re: [OT] Jokes page

                          They Walk Among Us

                          Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards 09 are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.

                          Here are the glorious top 10 winners:

                          1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder.
                          He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again.
                          This time it worked.

                          And now, the honorable mentions:

                          2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and, after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company.
                          The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger.
                          The chef's claim was approved.

                          3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

                          4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Sarare to Bulawayo had escaped.

                          Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride.
                          He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies.
                          The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

                          5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train.
                          When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit..

                          6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the
                          Counter, and asked for change.
                          When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided.
                          The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter.
                          The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15.
                          {If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]

                          7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly.
                          He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run.
                          So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief in the head, knocking him unconscious.
                          The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas.
                          The whole event was caught on videotape.

                          8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran.
                          The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher.
                          Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher.
                          They put him in the car and drove back to the store.
                          The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, 'Yes, officer, that's her. that's the lady I stole the purse from.'

                          9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash.
                          The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order.
                          When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast.
                          The man, frustrated, walked away.

                          10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on Seattle Street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage.
                          A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake.
                          The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

                          In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with your friends and family... unless of course one of these individuals by chance is a distant relative or long-lost friend. In that case, be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost.

                          Remember... They walk among us
                          Spara

                          'Early to bed and early to rise --
                          Till you get enough money to do otherwise.'

                          Comment


                          • Re: [OT] Jokes page

                            Jim stood over his tee shot on the 350 yard 18th hole for what seemed an eternity.
                            He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again; but didn't start his back swing.

                            Finally, his exasperated partner, Bob, said, "What the hell is taking so long?"

                            "My wife is watching me from the clubhouse balcony," Jim explained, "so I want to make a perfect shot."

                            His partner Bob exclaimed, "Forget it! You don't have a chance in hell of hitting her from here!"
                            Spara

                            'Early to bed and early to rise --
                            Till you get enough money to do otherwise.'

                            Comment


                            • Re: [OT] Jokes page

                              The english language.
                              THIS IS GREAT!!!
                              Read all the way to the end.............. This took a lot of work to put together!!!

                              You think English is easy???

                              Read to the end .. . . a new twist


                              1) The bandage was wound around the wound.


                              2) The farm was used
                              to produce produce .

                              3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

                              4) We must polish the Polish
                              furniture.

                              5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

                              6) The soldier decided to
                              desert his dessert in the
                              desert.

                              7) Since there is no time like
                              the present, he thought it was time to present the present .


                              8) A bass was painted on the
                              head of the bass drum.

                              9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

                              10) I did not object to the object.

                              11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.


                              12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row



                              13) They were too close to the
                              door to close it.

                              14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

                              15) A seamstress and
                              a sewer fell down into a
                              sewer line.

                              16) To help with planting,
                              the farmer taught his sow to
                              sow.

                              17) The wind was
                              too strong to wind the sail.

                              18)
                              Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear..

                              19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

                              20) How can I intimate
                              this to my most intimate friend?


                              Let's face it - English is
                              a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham
                              in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
                              English muffins weren't invented in England or French
                              fries in France .. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted.
                              But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

                              And why is it that writers
                              write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and
                              hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth,
                              why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices?
                              Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not
                              one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and
                              get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?


                              If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
                              Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be
                              committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

                              How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel
                              at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house
                              can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

                              English was invented by people,
                              not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.


                              PS. - Why doesn't 'Buick' rhyme with 'quick' ?


                              You lovers of the English language
                              might enjoy this .

                              There is a two-letter word
                              that perhaps has more meanings than any other
                              two-letter word, and that is 'UP..'

                              It's
                              easy to understand
                              UP, meaning toward the sky or at
                              the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP ? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP ? Why do we speak UP and why are the
                              officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report
                              ?

                              We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the
                              silver; we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old
                              car. At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble,
                              line UP for tickets, work UP an
                              appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special.


                              And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP. We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.

                              We seem to be pretty mixed
                              UP about UP
                              ! To be knowledgeable about the
                              proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions. If you are UP to it, you might try building
                              UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a
                              hundred or more. When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP . When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP...

                              When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP.

                              When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.

                              One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP, so......it is time to shut UP!

                              Oh . . . one more thing:



                              What is the first thing you do in the morning & the last thing you
                              do at night? U-P

                              Comment


                              • Re: [OT] Jokes page

                                Installing a Husband

                                Dear Tech Support,

                                Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance - particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under
                                Boyfriend 5.0.

                                In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as AFL 5.0, The Ashes 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1.
                                Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail!

                                What can I do?
                                Signed, Desperate

                                Answer from IT-Support
                                Dear Desperate:

                                First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.
                                Please enter the command: 'http: I Thought You Loved Me.html' and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.
                                If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
                                But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.
                                Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

                                Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources)

                                Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program.
                                These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
                                In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.
                                You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.
                                We recommend Food 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.
                                Good Luck,
                                Tech Support
                                Sold the Prado. Now FJ Cruiser

                                Comment

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