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  • Re: [OT] Jokes page

    At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing whether men or women
    were more trustworthy. "No woman," said one man, scornfully, "can keep a
    secret."
    "I don't know about that," huffily answered a woman guest. "I have kept my
    age a secret since I was twenty-one."
    "You'll let it out some day," the man insisted.
    "I hardly think so!" responded the lady. "When a woman has kept a secret for
    twenty-seven years, she can keep it forever."
    Spara

    'Early to bed and early to rise --
    Till you get enough money to do otherwise.'

    Comment


    • Re: [OT] Jokes page

      While I sat in the reception area of my doctor's office, a woman rolled an
      elderly man in a wheelchair into the room. As she went to the receptionist's
      desk, the man sat there, alone and silent.
      Just as I was thinking I should make small talk with him, a little boy
      slipped off his mother's lap and walked over to the wheelchair. Placing his
      hand on the man's, he said, "I know how you feel. My mom makes me ride in
      the stroller, too."
      Spara

      'Early to bed and early to rise --
      Till you get enough money to do otherwise.'

      Comment


      • Re: [OT] Jokes page

        1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful
        eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before.
        After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one
        said, "But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I
        will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about
        kissing the toilet paper good-bye...


        2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday.
        He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 62. My grandson was quiet
        for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"


        3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into
        old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair.. As she
        heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience
        grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into
        their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left
        the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice,
        "Who was THAT?"


        4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own
        childhood was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing
        made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our
        pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was
        wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd
        gotten to know you sooner!"


        5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you
        know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo and I
        said, "No, how are we alike?'' "You're both old," he replied.


        6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's
        word processor. She told him she was writing a story. "What's it
        about?" he asked. "I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."


        7. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I
        decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it
        was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I
        continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, "Grandma, I think
        you should try to figure out some of these, yourself!"


        8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept
        the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky
        insects.
        Still, a few fireflies followed us in.
        Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use Grandpa.
        Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."


        9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm
        not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised, "mine says
        I'm 4 to 6."


        10. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother,
        "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The
        grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool.
        "That's interesting," she said, "how do you make babies?"
        "It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."


        11. Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant,"
        said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder
        pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you
        know what pregnant means?" she asked. "Sure," said the young boy
        confidently. 'It means carrying a child."


        12. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one
        day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the
        fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the
        dog's duties. "They use him to keep crowds back," said one child.
        "No," said another. "He's just for good luck." A third child brought
        the argument to a close."They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to
        find the fire hydrants."


        13. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. "Oh," he said,
        "she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her.
        Then, when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the
        airport."


        14. Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good good
        things, but I don't get to see him enough to get as smart as him!


        15. My Grandparents are funny, when they bend over; you hear gas
        leaks, and they blame their dog.


        SEND THIS TO OTHER GRANDPARENTS, ALMOST GRANDPARENTS, OR HECK, SEND IT
        TO EVERYONE.


        IT WILL MAKE THEIR DAY!
        Sold the Prado. Now FJ Cruiser

        Comment


        • Re: [OT] Jokes page

          An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.

          His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

          Dear Vincent,

          I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.

          Love,
          Papa

          A few days later he received a letter from his son.

          Dear Pop,
          Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.

          Love,
          Vinnie

          At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

          That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

          Dear Pop,

          Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

          Love you,
          Vinnie

          Comment


          • Re: [OT] Jokes page

            A young, good looking Aussie cowboy walked into a pharmacy in Katherine, Northern Territory, and asked to talk to a male pharmacist.

            The woman he was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist and as she and her sister owned the store, there were no males employed there.
            She then asked if she could help him.

            The cowboy said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.

            The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.

            The cowboy then agreed and began by saying, “This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it”.

            The pharmacist said, “Just a minute, I’ll talk to my sister’.

            When she returned, she said, ‘We discussed it at length and the absolute best we can do is as follows:

            ‘1/3 ownership in the store,

            ‘A company ute, and $3,000 a month living expenses!’
            Spara

            'Early to bed and early to rise --
            Till you get enough money to do otherwise.'

            Comment


            • Re: [OT] Jokes page

              A man boarded a plane with 6 kids.
              After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over
              to him and asked, "Are all of those kids yours?"
              He replied, "No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints."

              Wish I could think so quickly.
              Spara

              'Early to bed and early to rise --
              Till you get enough money to do otherwise.'

              Comment


              • Re: [OT] Jokes page

                Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida, are all excited about
                their decision to get married. They went for a stroll to discuss the
                wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.
                Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"

                The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

                Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

                Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

                Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

                Pharmacist: "All kinds"

                Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"

                Pharmacist: "Definitely."

                Jacob: "How about suppositories?"

                Pharmacist: "You bet!"

                Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's?"

                Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works"

                Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes Parkinson's
                disease?"

                Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

                Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"

                Pharmacist: "We sure do."

                Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?",

                Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

                Jacob: "Adult diapers?"

                Pharmacist: "Sure."

                Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."
                Spara

                'Early to bed and early to rise --
                Till you get enough money to do otherwise.'

                Comment


                • Re: [OT] Jokes page

                  Originally posted by spara
                  A man boarded a plane with 6 kids.
                  After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over
                  to him and asked, "Are all of those kids yours?"
                  He replied, "No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints."

                  Wish I could think so quickly.

                  I gotta remember that next time I get asked...
                  Beats the No we don't have a TV line I've been using
                  A tourist is a fellow who drives thousands of miles so he can be photographed standing in front of his car

                  [size=7][b]Go Hard or Go Home...[/b][/size]
                  [i]...and take your bloody Nissan with you...[/i]

                  Comment


                  • Re: [OT] Jokes page

                    A Burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said,

                    'Jesus knows you're here.'

                    He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.

                    When he heard nothing more , after a bit, he shook his head and continued.

                    Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard

                    'Jesus is watching you.'

                    Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

                    Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.


                    'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

                    'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.'

                    The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'

                    'Moses,' replied the bird.

                    'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

                    'The kind of people that would name their Rottweiler Jesus.'
                    Sold the Prado. Now FJ Cruiser

                    Comment


                    • Re: [OT] Jokes page

                      A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph 's Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

                      The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number of the patient?"

                      The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."

                      The operator replied, "Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse's station for that room."


                      After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, "I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."

                      The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good news."

                      The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"

                      The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me shit."
                      Spara

                      'Early to bed and early to rise --
                      Till you get enough money to do otherwise.'

                      Comment


                      • Re: [OT] Jokes page

                        A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.
                        The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone,listened a moment
                        and said 'How should I know,that's 200 miles from here!' and hung up.
                        The husband said, 'Who was that?' The wife said, 'I don't know,
                        some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.'
                        Spara

                        'Early to bed and early to rise --
                        Till you get enough money to do otherwise.'

                        Comment


                        • Re: [OT] Jokes page

                          A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her,
                          so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment
                          unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him
                          in the arms of a redhead.
                          Well, the blonde is really angry.
                          She opens her purse to take out the gun,and as she does so,
                          she is overcome with grief.
                          She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
                          The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!!!'
                          The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!'
                          Spara

                          'Early to bed and early to rise --
                          Till you get enough money to do otherwise.'

                          Comment


                          • Re: [OT] Jokes page

                            Hi All,

                            I was a little disturber to find out that i had no problem in reading
                            this
                            despite struggling with English at school. Why did one bother?


                            Eonverye taht can raed tihs rsaie yuor hnad.
                            >>>
                            >>>
                            >>>
                            >>>
                            >>> To my 'selected' strange-minded friends:
                            >>>
                            >>> If you can read the following paragraph, forward it on to your
                            friends
                            >>> and
                            >>> the person that sent it to you with 'yes' in the subject line.
                            >>>
                            >>>>
                            >>>
                            >>> Only great minds can read this
                            >>> This is weird, but interesting!
                            >>>
                            >>> fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too
                            >>>
                            >>> Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can.
                            >>>
                            >>> i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was
                            rdanieg.
                            >>> The
                            >>> phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at
                            >>> Cmabrigde
                            >>> Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod
                            are,
                            >>> the
                            >>> olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the
                            rghit
                            >>> pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it
                            whotuit a
                            >>> pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter
                            by
                            >>> istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas
                            tghuhot
                            >>> slpeling was ipmorantt!
                            Sold the Prado. Now FJ Cruiser

                            Comment


                            • Re: [OT] Jokes page

                              Not really a joke, but quite entertaining

                              I think this relates to just how diverse a forum like this can be. Only too often by posting a question here an answer will pop up, an answer that you would have never thought of.


                              How many prado pointers does it take to change a light
                              bulb???..........

                              1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been
                              changed

                              14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the
                              light bulb could have been changed differently

                              7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs

                              6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ...

                              another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid

                              2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term
                              is "lamp"

                              15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light
                              bulb" is perfectly correct

                              19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please
                              take this discussion to a light bulb forum

                              11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light
                              bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum

                              36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where
                              to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for
                              this technique and what brands are faulty

                              5 People to post pics of their own light bulbs

                              15 People to post "I can't see nothing" and their own light bulbs

                              7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs

                              4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the
                              corrected URL's

                              13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including
                              all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"

                              5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they
                              cannot handle the light bulb controversy

                              4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

                              13 to say "do a search on light bulbs before posting questions about
                              light bulbs"

                              1 to bring politics into the discussion by adding that George W.
                              isn't the brightest bulb.

                              4 more to get into personal attacks over their political views.

                              1 moderator to lock the light bulb thread.

                              1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and
                              start it all over again.
                              [size=2][b]2009 GXL D4D Auto[/b]
                              - A white one - Cooper STs all round - Sandgrabba floor mats - ARB Sahara Bar - Rola roof bars - Stebel compact truck horn - Tekonsha P3 brake controller - Couplertec electronic rustproofing - ARB Recovery bag and gear[/size]
                              [url=http://www.fuelly.com/driver/GDSPrado/prado][img]http://www.fuelly.com/smallsig-metric/48415.png[/img][/url]

                              Comment


                              • Re: [OT] Jokes page

                                A customer of mine was to take delivery of some goods yesterday I called her and said that it will not be ready until tomorrow , she said that was ok . So she arrived to day and collected the goods I said that I am sorry about the wait , and she turned around and said that is ok you will eventualy lose it you "FAT BAS###D " ops: ops:

                                Comment

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