[OT] Jokes page

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Israel - Jerusalem: wailing wall / Western Wall
A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.
So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.
Pardon me, sir, I’m Rebecca Smith from CNN. What’s your name?

Morris Fishbien, he replied.

Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?

For about 60 years.

60 years! That’s amazing! What do you pray for?

I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims.
I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop.
I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man.

How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?

Like I’m talking to a bloody brick wall!"

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Bundy RumFishing Story................


I swear that this is a true Bundy Rum Fishing Story.................

BUNDY RUM (Bundaberg Rum)...Queensland's famous product ! Forget Jamaica or any other rubbish! (For you o/seas people..a King Brown is one of the deadliest snakes on earth. Out of the world’s top 10, Australia has 5.

I finally got around to going fishing this morning but after a while I ran out of worms.


Then I saw a King Brown with a frog in his mouth, and frogs are good bass bait. Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bitten. I grabbed my bottle of Bundaberg rum and poured a little rum in its mouth.

His eyes rolled back, he went limp, I released him into the lake without incident, and carried on my fishing with the frog.

A little later I felt a nudge on my foot.

There was that same snake with two frogs in his mouth.

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CATHOLIC COFFEE
Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.


The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."


The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."


The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."


Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"

She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38DD breast, 24" waist and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God."

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The
>>>> > Mars Bar
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> > The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon 'quickie' with their
>>>> > 8-year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the
>>>> > balcony with a Mars Bar and tell him to report on all the street
>>>> > activities.
>>>> > He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into
>>>> > operation:
>>>> > There's a car being towed from the parking lot,' he shouted.
>>>> > An ambulance just drove by!'
>>>> > Looks like the Anderson's have company,' he called out.
>>>> > Matt's riding a new bike!'
>>>> > Looks like the Sanders are moving!'
>>>> > Jason is on his skate board!'
>>>> > After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are shagging!!'
>>>> > Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed! Dad cautiously
>>>> > called out, 'How do you know they're shagging?'
>>>> > Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Mars Bar.'

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It is near the end of the school year. The teacher has turned in her grades. There is really nothing to do. All the kids are restless because there is nothing to do and it is near the end of the day.

The teacher says, "Whoever answers the questions I ask first and correctly can leave early today.." Little Johnny says to himself, "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question".

The teacher asked, "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Susie said, "Abraham Lincoln". The teacher said, "That's right Susie. You can go". Johnny was MAD that Susie answered first.

The teacher asked, "Who said, 'I Have a Dream'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Mary said, "Martin Luther King". The teacher said, "That's right Mary. You can go". Johnny was even MADDER than before that Mary answered first.

The teacher asked, "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Nancy said, "John Kennedy". The teacher said, "That's right Nancy. You can go". Johnny was BOILING MAD that Nancy answered first.

Then the teacher turned her back, and Johnny said, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut".

The teacher asked, "WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny said, "TIGER WOODS! CAN I GO NOW?"

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Have You Ever Been Guilty Of Looking At Others Your Own Age And Thinking, Surely I Can't Look That Old.

Well . . . You'll Love This One.

My Name Is Alice, And I Was Sitting In The Waiting Room For My First Appointment With A New Dentist.

I Noticed His Dds Diploma On The Wall, Which Bore His Full Name. Suddenly, I Remembered A Tall, Handsome, Dark-Haired Boy With The Same Name Had Been In My High School Class Some 30-Odd Years Ago.

Could He Be The Same Guy That I Had A Secret Crush On, Way Back Then?

Upon Seeing Him, However, I Quickly Discarded Any Such Thought.

This Balding, Gray-Haired Man With The Deeply Lined Face Was Way Too Old To Have Been My Classmate.

After He Examined My Teeth, I Asked Him If He Had Attended Morgan Park High School.


'Yes. Yes, I Did. I'm A Mustang,' He Gleamed With Pride.


When Did You Graduate?' I Asked.


He Answered, 'In 1975. Why Do You Ask?'


You Were In My Class!’, I Exclaimed.


He Looked At Me Closely.


Then, That Ugly,

Old,


Bald,


Wrinkled Faced,


Fat-Assed,


Gray-Haired,


Decrepit

Son-Of-A-Bitch

Asked,


'What Did You Teach???

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Errr spara... this joke has already been posted before - in Nov 2007!!! :shock: :shock: ops: ops:

http://pradopoint.com/viewtopic.php?...c943644#p21573

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, 'surely I can't look that old. Well……

My name is Alice Smith and I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his Degree, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 40-odd years ago.

Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?

Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.

After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High School. "Yes. Yes, I did," he gleamed with pride.

"When did you graduate?" I asked.

He answered, "In 1965, why do you ask?"

"You were in my class!" I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely. Then, that ugly, old, bald, wrinkled, fat ass, grey-haired, decrepit son-of-a-bi *ch asked, "What did you teach?" :shock:

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Oh well. I guess i can be excused for not looking that far back or rembering it was posted in 2 0 0 7,, lol :lol:

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While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer cooler. One nun said to the other, "Wouldn't a nice cool beer or two taste wonderful on a hot summer evening?"

The second nun answered "Indeed it would Sister, but I wouldn't feel comfortable buying beer as I am certain that it would cause a scene at the check-out counter."

"I can handle that without a problem" she replied as she picked up a six-pack and headed for the check-out.

The cashier had a surprised look on his face when the two nuns arrived with a six-pack of beer.
"We use beer for washing our hair" the nun said, "A shampoo, of sorts, if you will."
Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter, pulled out a package of pretzel sticks and placed them in the bag with the beer.
He then looked the nun straight in the eye, smiled and said, "The curlers are on the house."

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Early Dismissal............................... --


It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy , you may also leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these b*tch%s would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?

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Giving Up Wine


I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of quid for dinner.

I took out my wallet, got out ten pounds and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?'

'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told me.

'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked..

'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'

'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked....
'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman. I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'

'Well' I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money... Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.'

The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'

I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.'

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An 85-year-old couple had been married for 60 years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.


Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.
One day their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.


They reached the Pearly Gates and Saint Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion furnished in gold and fine silks with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet.
They gasped in astonishment when he said, "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now."


The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "Why, nothing," Peter replied, "Remember, this is your reward in Heaven."
The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.
"What are the greens fees?" grumbled the old man.
"This is heaven," St. Peter replied. "You play for free, every day...."


Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.
"Don't even ask," said St. Peter to the man. "This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy."
The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.
"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?" he asked.
"That's the best part," St. Peter replied. "You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!'

The old man pushed, "No gym to work out at?"
"Not unless you want to," was the answer.
"No testing my sugar or blood pressure or..."
"Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself."

The old man glared at his wife and said, "You and your f**%%$# bran flakes. We could have been here 10 years ago!"

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One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a
well. The animal cried piteously for hours as
the farmer tried to figure out what to do.

Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the
well needed to be covered up anyway;
it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbours to come over and
help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began
to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the
donkey realized what was happening and cried
horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he
quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally
looked down the well. He was astonished at what
he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his
back, the donkey was doing something amazing.
He would shake it off and take a step up.

As the farmer's neighbours continued to shovel
dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it
off and take a step up.

Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey
stepped up over the edge of the well and
happily trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds
of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well
is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of
our troubles is a stepping stone. We can get out
of the deepest wells just by not stopping,
never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.

Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.

Live simply and appreciate what you have.

Give more.

Expect less

NOW .......

Enough of that. The donkey later came back,
and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him.
The gash from the bite got infected and
the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.

MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:

When you do something wrong, and try to cover
your ass, it always comes back to bite you.

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A lawyer and an Irishman are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer is thinking that the Irish are so dumb that he could get one over them easy, so the lawyer asks if the Irishman would like to play a fun game.

The Irishman is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, and says that the game is a lot of fun.

“I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500,” he says.

This catches the Irishman attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question. “What's the distance from The Earth to the Moon?”

The Irishman doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the Irishman's turn. He asks the lawyer, “What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?”

The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the Irishman and hands him $500. The Irishman pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the Irishman up and asks, “Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?”

The Irishman reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.

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A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, 'Hang on! You're a duck.'

'I see your eyes are working,' replies the duck.

'And you can talk!' exclaims the barman.

'I see your ears are working, too,' says the duck. 'Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?'

'Certainly, sorry about that,' says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. 'It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?'

'I'm working on the building site across the road,' explains the duck. 'I'm a plasterer.'

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him 'You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!'

'Sounds marvellous,' says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. 'Get him to give me a call.'

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, 'Hey Mr Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money.'

'I'm always looking for the next job,' says the duck. 'Where is it?'

'At the circus,' says the barman.

'The circus?' repeats the duck.

'That's right,' replies the barman.

'The circus?' the duck asks again. 'That place with the big tent?'

'Yeah,' the barman replies.

'With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?' says the duck.

'Of course,' the barman replies.

'And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?' persists the duck.

'That's right!' says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says . . .







'What the f*** would they want with a plasterer??!'