[OT] Jokes page

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

SMART ARSE ANSWER 5
It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row.
"What are my choices?" the man asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.

SMART ARSE ANSWER 4
A lady was picking through the frozen Chickens at a Woolworths store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a passing assistant, "Do these Chickens get any bigger?"
The assistant replied, "I'm afraid not, they're dead."

SMART ARSE ANSWER 3
The policeman got out of his car and the teenager he stopped for speeding rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the Cop said.
The kid replied, "Well I got here as fast as I could."
When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMART ARSE ANSWER 2
A truck driver was driving along on a country road. A sign came up that read " Low Bridge Ahead."
Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it.
Cars were backed up for miles. Finally, a police car arrived.
The policeman got out of his car and walked to the truck's cab and said to the driver, "Got stuck, eh?"
The truck driver said, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of diesel!"

SMART ARSE ANSWER OF THE YEAR
A teacher at West Australian High School reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam.
"Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack, a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-arsed teenager at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled at the student, shook her head and sweetly said,
"Well, I would expect you to write the exam with your other hand."

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

Last Saturday afternoon, in Canberra , an aide to Foreign Minister Kevin Rudd visited the Bishop of the Catholic cathedral in Canberra . He told the Cardinal that Kevin would be attending the next day's Mass, and he asked if the Cardinal would kindly point him out to the congregation and say a few words that would include calling Kevin a saint. The Cardinal replied, "No. I don't really like the man, and there are issues of conflict with the Catholic Church over certain of his views." Rudd's aide then said, "Look, I'll write a check here and now for a Donation of $100,000 to your church if you'll just tell the Congregation you see Kevin as a saint." The Cardinal thought about it and said, "Well, the church can use the Money, so I'll work your request into tomorrow's sermon."

As the aide promised, Foreign Minister Rudd appeared for the Sunday worship and seated himself prominently at the forward left side of the centre aisle. As promised, at the start of his sermon, the Cardinal pointed out that Mr Rudd was present.
The Cardinal went on to explain to the congregation, "While Mr Rudd's presence is probably an honour to some, the man is not Numbered among my personal favourite personages. Some of his most Egregious views are contrary to tenets of the Church, and he tends to Flip- flop on many other issues. Kevin Rudd is a petty, self -absorbed hypocrite, a thumb sucker, and a nit-wit. He is also a serial liar, a cheat, and a thief. I must say, Kevin Rudd is the worst example of a Christian I have ever personally witnessed. He Married for money and is using his wealth to lie to the Australian People. He also has a reputation for shirking his Representative Obligations both in Canberra , in Queensland and Overseas .
The man is simply not to be trusted.The Cardinal concluded,"But, when compared with Prime Minister Gillard, Foreign Minister Rudd is a saint."
________________________________________

[dudders Lurker Find all posts View Profile Close dudders]

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, "I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body."
The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies, "That would be my wife."





The Arizona Department of Safety Officer pulled over pick-up truck owner Mike Murray for a weapons check because of an NRA bumper sticker. When the officer approached the vehicle, the man behind the wheel handed the officer his driver's license, insurance card and concealed carry permit.

The officer took all the documents, looked them over and said, "Mr. Murray, I see you have a CCP. Do you have any weapons on your person or in the vehicle?" Murray replied, "Yes I do. I have a 357 handgun in a hip holster, a .45 in the glove box and a .22 derringer in my boot."

The officer looked at Mike and asked, "Anything else?" Yes. I have a Mossberg 500 "Persuader" 12 gauge and an AR-15 in the box on the back of the truck.
The officer then asked Murray if he was driving to or from a shooting range and the man said he wasn't, so the officer bent over and looked into the Murray 's face and sarcatically asked,
"Mr. Murray, you're carrying quite a few guns. May I ask what you are afraid of?"

Mike locked eyes with the officer and calmly answered, "Not a f*&%ing thing."





A man walks into a cocktail lounge and approaches Sandy sitting by herself and asks,
"May I buy you a cocktail?"
"No thank you," Sandy replies, "Alcohol is bad for my legs."
"Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?"
"No, they spread."





My daughter just walked into the living room and said "Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out of the window, take my TV, and stereo, and iPhone, and iPod, and my laptop.

'Please take all of my jewelry to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters. Then sell my new car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house. Then disown me and never talk to me again.
And don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to my brother."

Well, she didn't put it quite like that. She actually said...


"Dad this is my new boyfriend, Mohammad."

[dudders Lurker Find all posts View Profile Close dudders]

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed.

The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.

After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day.


Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job. The bishop was incredulous.

'You have no arms !'

'No matter,' said the man. 'Observe !'

And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon.
The bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo.

But suddenly, as he rushed forward to strike the bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.
The stunned bishop rushed down two hundred and ninety five church steps, when he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moment before.

As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked,

'Bishop, who was this man ?'.

'I don't know his name,' the bishop sadly replied,

' ................. BUT HIS FACE RINGS A BELL'





WAIT ! WAIT ! There's more ................


The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame.

The first man to approach him said, 'Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday.

I pray that you honour his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty.'

The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died on the spot.

Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side.

'What has happened ? Who is this man ?' the first monk asked breathlessly.

'I don't know his name,' sighed the distraught bishop, 'but...'


'HE'S A DEAD RINGER FOR HIS BROTHER.'





Sorry!!

[Davros Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close Davros]

'HE'S A DEAD RINGER FOR HIS BROTHER.'

Sorry!!

I agree..... you should have said sorry.

[MidLifeCrisis Out of control poster! Find all posts View Profile Close MidLifeCrisis]

I don't think the sorry is good enough, he is not a politician you know.

[croozza Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close croozza]

After years of intensive training, it was finally time for my first cage fight........



The budgie never new what hit him...

[Fozzy Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Fozzy]

Q: What is red & bad for your teeth?

A: A brick.

[Fozzy Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Fozzy]

What lives in the kitchen and drinks your blood?

Spatula!

[Ozpat Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close Ozpat]

A starving asylum seeker is greeted at Darwin by a fairy who grants him 3 wishes!!!

1. He says, "I'm hungry."
POW...a banquet table appears.

2. He says, "I want a nice house."
POW... and a mansion with a swimming pool appears.

3. He says, "I want to be an Aussie."
POW...and everything vanishes.

He asks, Where has everything gone??"

Fairy says, "You're an Aussie now and entitled to bugger all..

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

THE SHOEBOX

A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked
about everything. They had kept no secrets from each
other except that the little Old woman had a shoe box
in the top of her closet that she had Cautioned her
husband never to open or ask her about.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the
box, but One day the little old woman got very sick
and the doctor said She would not recover.
In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man
took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's
bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should
know what was In the box. When he opened it, he
found two crocheted dolls And a stack of money
totaling $95,000.

He asked her about the contents.
'When we were to be married,' she said, ' my
grandmother told me The secret of a happy
marriage was to never argue. She told me that If I
ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet
and crochet a doll.'

The little old man was so moved; he had to fight
back tears. Only two Precious dolls were in the
box. She had only been angry with him two Times
in all those years of living and loving. He almost
burst with Happiness.

'Honey,' he said, 'that explains the doll, but what
about all of this money? Where did it come from?'
'Oh,' she said, 'that's the money I made from selling
the dolls.'

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

When you drink Vodka over ice, it can give you kidney failure,

When you drink Rum over ice, it can give you liver failure,

When you drink whiskey over ice, it can give you heart problems,

When you drink Gin over ice, it can give you brain problems.

Apparently, ice is really bad for you.


Warn all your friends

[Ozpat Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close Ozpat]

The wife was parading in front of me in her new outfit.
"Well... What do you think?"
"Yeah.. It looks good and the colour really suits you.." I replied.
She didn't look convinced,
"I can tell there's a big 'but' coming."
"Well, there you go love... You've said it yourself."


A man goes to the doctor complaining of voices coming from his underpants.
The doctor says, "Ignore them, they're talking bollocks."

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

IT CAN BE HARD KEEPING A STRAIGHT FACE AS A COURT REPORTER
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken
down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender says, "Hey, I haven't seen you
in a while. What happened? You look terrible."

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon
ball, but I'm fine now."

The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to
your hand?"

The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got
into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm
fine, really."

"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew
over. I looked up, and one of them crapped in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender. "You can't lose an eye just from bird
crap."

"It was my first day with the hook."