[OT] Jokes page

[MidLifeCrisis Out of control poster! Find all posts View Profile Close MidLifeCrisis]

I asked my friend's little daughter what she wanted to be when she grows up.
She said she wanted to be Prime Minister some day.
Both her parents, Labor supporters, were standing there,
so I asked her,"If you were Prime Minister what would be the first thing you would do?"
She replied, "I'd give food and houses to all those poor people on benefits."
Her parents beamed, and said, "Welcome to the Labor Party!"
"That's a worthy goal!" I told her, and continued,
"But you don't have to wait until you're Prime Minister to do that.
You can come over to my house, mow the lawn, pull weeds, sweep my drive and I'll pay you $25. Then I'll take you over to that homeless chap who hangs out in front of the store. You can give him the $25 to use toward food."
She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked,
"Why doesn't the homeless man come over and do the work himself and you can just pay him the $25?"
I smiled and said, "Welcome to the Liberal Party."
Her parents still aren't speaking to me.

I am so using this joke!

[Ozpat Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close Ozpat]

The wife asked me to go to the doctor about my erection problem.
She wasn't pleased when I came back and gave her some slimming pills.


The marriage of an 80 year old man and a 20 year old woman was the talk of the town.
After being married a year, the couple went to the hospital for the birth of their first child.

The attending nurse came out of the delivery room to congratulate the old gentleman and said,
'This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?'
The old man grinned and said, 'You got to keep the old motor running.'

The following year, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their second child.
The same nurse was attending the delivery and again went out to congratulate the old gentleman.

She said, 'Sir, you are something else. How do you manage it?'

The old man grinned and said, 'You gotta keep the old motor running..'


A year later, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their third child.
The same nurse was there for this birth also and, after the delivery, she once again approached the old gentleman, smiled, and said, 'Well, you surely are something else! How do you do it?'

The old man replied, 'It's like I've told you before, you gotta keep the old motor running.'

The nurse, still smiling, patted him on the back and said,

'Well, I guess it's time to change the oil. This one's black!'

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!"
His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?
The son replied, "I do know!"
"Okay," said his father. "What does the Bible mean?"
"That's easy, Daddy..." the young boy replied excitedly," It stands for
'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.'

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

GRANDPARENTS ANSWERING MACHINE

Good morning . . . At present we are not at home but,please leave your message after you
hear the beep. beeeeeppp ....

If you are one of our children, dial 1 and then select the option from 1 to 5 in order of "arrival" so we know who it is.

If you need us to stay with the children,
press 2

If you want to borrow the car, press 3

If you want us to wash your clothes and
ironing, press 4

If you want the grandchildren to sleep here
tonight, press 5

If you want us to pick up the kids at school,
press 6

If you want us to prepare a meal for Sunday
or to have it delivered to your home,press 7

If you want to come to eat here, press 8

If you need money,press 9

If you are going to invite us to dinner, or,
taking us to the theater,start talking we are listening !!!!!!!!!!!"

[Ozpat Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close Ozpat]

I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion,
I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing.
I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning.

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The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did..... she's 21 and her name's Lola.

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Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting "pedophile" and other names at me,
just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.

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The thing I love most about this hot weather is the short skirts and low cut tops....
although, they do make me look a bit gay.

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Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Kent Show, a spokesman said,
"We'll struggle to get another man of the same calibre."

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My son was thrown out of school today for pashing with a girl behind the toilet block.
I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year. You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."

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Remember the 7 qualities for the perfect girlfriend...

Beautiful, Intelligent, Gentle, Thoughtful, Innocent, Trustworthy, Sensible.

Or in other words........... B.I.G.T.I.T.S.

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Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in.
Only used it for half an hour, as I started to feel sick.
It's great though. It does everything -
Kit Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Potato Chips, the lot.."

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In a recent poll in Britain the question was asked - Are there too many immigrants in Britain ?

17% said yes;
11% said No;
72% said "I am not understanding the question please."

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On my Census form there is a question "Do you have any dependants?"
Apparently putting down "Thousands of Indians, Pakistanis, Somalians, Afghans, single mums, loafers, smack heads, and non-English speaking people" isn't acceptable.
They've sent my form back.

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Prince William says he doesn't want the traditional fruit cake at his wedding.
Prince Phillip says he doesn't give a toss, he's still going.

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The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries.

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Some bastard's just pinched a pair of my wife's knickers off the washing line.
She's not bothered about the knickers but she wants the 12 clothes pegs back

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

Where I have & have not been


I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.
I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.
I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.
I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.
I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.
I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.
Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.
One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

A police motorcycle cop stops a driver for running a red light. The driver
is a real jerk, steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer,
demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!



So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist
instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual
orientation, etc., in rather explicit offensive terms.


The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.

When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower
right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to
the 'violator' for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when
presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it
stands for.



The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're
an asshole!"

Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving record
and he is in danger of losing his license, so he hired a lawyer to represent
him.

On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light.

Under cross examination the defense attorney asks "Officer, is this a
reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?"

Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and
mine, same number at the top."



Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket
you don't normally make?"

"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH,"
underlined."

"What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"

"Aggressive and hostile, Sir."

"Aggressive and hostile?"

"Yes, Sir."

"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for asshole?"

"Well, sir, you know your client better than I do."


How often can one get an attorney to convict his own client

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

This spanking new Airbus 340-600, the largest passenger airplane ever built, sits just outside its hangar in Toulouse , France without a single hour of airtime.




Enter the Arab flight crew of Abu Dhabi Aircraft Technologies (ADAT) to conduct pre-delivery tests on the ground, such as engine run-ups, prior to delivery to Etihad Airways in Abu Dhabi ..





The ADAT crew taxied the A340-600 to the run-up area.


Then they took all four engines to takeoff power with a virtually empty aircraft. Not having read the run-up manuals, they had no clue just how light an empty A340-600 really is.




The takeoff warning horn was blaring away in the cockpit because they had All 4 engines at full power. The aircraft computers thought they were trying to take off, but it had not been configured properly (flaps/slats, etc...)

Then one of the ADAT crew decided to pull the circuit breaker on the Ground Proximity Sensor to silence the alarm. This fools the aircraft into thinking it is in the air. The computers automatically released all the brakes and set the aircraft rocketing forward.

The ADAT crew had no idea that this is a safety feature so that pilots can't land with the brakes on.

Not one member of the seven-man Arab crew was smart enough to throttle back the engines from their max power setting, so the $200 million brand-new aircraft crashed into a blast barrier, totalling it.






The extent of injuries to the crew is unknown due to the news blackout in the major media in France and elsewhere. Because........

Coverage of the story was deemed insulting to Muslim Arabs.

[Rogerthatv2 Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Rogerthatv2]

That one always gives me a good laugh Jon, talk about bad day... Pictures always help so I hope you don;t mind?



Full write up here - http://markpknowles.com/first-airbus-crash-photos/

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

Racism


Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days.

A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Guinness?"

The shop assistant asks, "Are you Irish?"
The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something, “If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican? Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?"
The shop assistant says, "No, I probably wouldn't." The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Guinness, why did you ask me if I'm Irish?"


The clerk replied, "Because you're in Bunnings' Hardware."

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching.

Nothing could dampen her excitement - not even her parent's nasty divorce.

Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear, and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!

A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new, young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother!

Jennifer asked her father's new young wife to exchange it, but she refused.

"Absolutely not! I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it," she replied.

Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, ''Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day.''

A few days later, they went shopping, and did find another gorgeous dress for her mother.

When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, ''Aren't you going to return the other dress?

You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it."

Her mother just smiled and replied, ''Of course I do, dear.....I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night BEFORE the wedding.''


(NOW I ASK YOU - IS THERE A WOMAN OUT THERE, ANYWHERE, WHO WOULDN'T ENJOY THIS STORY?)

[1coolbanana Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close 1coolbanana]

Little Johny's in geography class when the teacher asks him

"Johny, tell me, where is Pakistan"

Johny thinks for a second and replies

"Outside playing with Paki Dave"

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

Costco Doctor
________________________________________

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike,
"My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.

"There's a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine
sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars. A lot cheaper than a doctor."

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Costco.

He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the
urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity.
It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping at Costco."

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was,
Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his
wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Costco, eager to check the results.
He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

Thank you for shopping at Costco!

[MidLifeCrisis Out of control poster! Find all posts View Profile Close MidLifeCrisis]

Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest.

After a few minutes, Larry asked, ' Dad, why are you doing that?'

His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.'

Larry, looking worried, said, ' Dad, I think the Foxtel guy wants to buy Mom .....'

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.

'You know what?' says the 7 year old, 'I think it's about time we started
swearing.'

The 4 year old nods his head in approval, so the 7 year old says, 'When we
go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me,
ok?'

'Ok' the 4 year old, agrees with enthusiasm..

The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for
breakfast.

'Oh, shit mum, I don't know, I suppose I'll have some Coco Pops'

WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up,
and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.

She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice, ' And what do
YOU want for breakfast, young man?'

'I don't know,' he blubbers, 'but it won't be f***ing Coco Pops'