[OT] Jokes page

[Ozpat Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close Ozpat]

A young Italian girl was going on a date.
Her Nanna said: 'Sita here ana leta mea tella you someting about this-a younga boy.
He's agonna try ana kiss you, you are agonna lika dat, but don't let him do dat.
He's agonna try ana kiss your breasts, you are agonna lika dat too, but don'ta let him do dat eeda.
But mosta important, he's agonna try ana lay ona topa you, you are agonna really lika dat, but dona let him do dat for sure.
Doing dat willa disgrace our family.
With that bit of advice, the granddaughter went on her date.
The next day she told grandma that her date went just like she had predicted:
'And Nanna, I didn't let him disgrace our family as you said.
When he tried to lay on top of me, I just rolled him over, got on top of him, and disgraced HIS family!'

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

After being married for 40 years, I took a
careful look at my wife one day and said,

"Forty years ago we had a cheap house, a
junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a
10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep
every night with a hot 23-year-old girl.
Now ... I have a $2,000,000 home, a $100,000 car
a king size bed and a 50” plasma TV, but
I'm sleeping with a 63-year-old woman. It seems
to me that you're not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me
to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she
would make sure that I would once again be living
in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on
a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and
white TV.

Aren't older women great? They really know
how to solve an old guy's problems.

[1coolbanana Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close 1coolbanana]

Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching tv when I heard my wife's
voice from the kitchen, 'what would you like for dinner my love, chicken, beef or lamb?'

I said, 'Thank you, I'll have chicken please'
She replied, 'You're having soup you bastard, I was talking to the cat!'

[1coolbanana Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close 1coolbanana]

I was sat in a restaurant and got hit on the back of the head by a prawn
cocktail.

I looked round and this bloke shouts, 'That's just for starters!'

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 am, regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the supernatural.

No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 AM Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 AM all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits Just when the clock struck 11:00, Fernando Rodriguez , the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.

Still Having a Bad Day?

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaska was $80,000.00 At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers.. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.

Still think you are having a Bad Day?

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she ran outside and grabbed a handy plank of wood and smacked him with it, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his iPod.

Are Ya OK Now? - No?

Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn , Germany . Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.

What? STILL having a Bad Day?

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with 'Return to Sender' stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb; he opened it and was blown to bits. God is good!

There now, Feeling Better?

[paulyc Member Find all posts View Profile Close paulyc]

The Man Rules
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down
Finally , the guys' side of the story.

We always hear " the rules"
From the female side....
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1 "
ON PURPOSE!
1. Men are NOT mind readers.
(FIRST & FOREMOST RULE)
1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports or news, It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1.. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it , just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..

1. Captain Cook did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle..

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as Football
or Cars.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;

But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

[1coolbanana Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close 1coolbanana]

Jumper lead walks into a bar.

Bartender says

"Ill serve you but dont start anything"

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

Bert feared his wife Peg wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he
thought she might need a hearing aid.

Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss
the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could
perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

'Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her,
and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you If not,
go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.'

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the
den. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what
happens.' Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

No response..

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife
and repeats, 'Peg, what's for dinner?'

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife
and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey, what's
for dinner?'

Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. 'Peg, what's for dinner?'

(I just love this)

'For God's sake, Bert, for the FIFTH bloody time, CHICKEN!'

[ken2m Junior Member Find all posts View Profile Close ken2m]

There is a terrible email being circulated. The title is "Julia Gillard naked"



Do not open this email under any circumstances.
It contains a picture of Julia Gillard naked!

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, hehehehe

__________________________________________________
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK ).

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
__________________________________________________

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )

Aepends how much you've been drinking.
__________________________________________________

Q:I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden )

A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
__________________________________________________

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay ? ( UK )

A: What did your last slave die of?
__________________________________________________

Q:Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA )

A: A-Fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not
... Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
__________________________________________________

Q:Which direction is North in Australia ? (USA )

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
_________________________________________________

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK )
A:Why? Just use your fingers like we do...
__________________________________________________

Q:Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is
Oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
__________________________________________________

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK )
A: You are a British politician, right?
__________________________________________________

Q:Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.
Milk is illegal.
__________________________________________________

Q:Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA )

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.
All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
__________________________________________________

Q:I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA )

A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.
You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
__________________________________________________

Q:I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? ( USA )

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
__________________________________________________

Qo you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? ( France )

A: Only at Christmas.
__________________________________________________

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )

A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

[Ozpat Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close Ozpat]

Thoughtful Wife

A woman asks her husband, "Would you like some bacon and eggs?
A slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?"

He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now.
It's that Viagra I've been taking," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunchtime she asked if he would like something. "A bowl of soup,
Homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"

He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."

Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat.
"Would you like a juicy rib-eye steak and scrumptious apple pie?
Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"

He declines again."No," he says, "it's got to be the
Viagra... I'm still not hungry."

"Well," she says, "Would you mind letting me up?
I'm starving..."

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

John Howard, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.
While there, they spot a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The
devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.
Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished
the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin
writes him a cheque.
Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she
is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars,
so she writes him a cheque.
Finally John Howard gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is
finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.
When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Howard
got to call Australia so cheaply.
The devil smiles and replies: "Since Julia Gillard took over, the
country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."

[MidLifeCrisis Out of control poster! Find all posts View Profile Close MidLifeCrisis]

[Ozpat Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close Ozpat]

1. The wife was counting all the coins out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself "She's going through the change."

2. When I was in the pub I heard a couple of scumbags saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexist twats. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!

3. Little Johnny is sitting in geography class when the teacher asks him, "Where is Pakistan?" He replies, "Outside playing with Paki Dave".

4. Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter' who has stabbed six people in the arse in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.

5. Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!

6. A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."

7. Murphy says to Paddy "What ya talkin to an envelope for?" Paddy says "I'm sending a voicemail ya thick sod!"

8. Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. Everyone said it was a lovely service.

9. 19 paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?" Mick replies, "The film said no admission unless 18 or over."

10. An Asian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world, swum with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as no surprise to learn his name is Bindair Dundat.


The Teacher asked young Patrick Murphy: --"What do you do at Christmas time?

Patrick addressed the class: "Well Ms. Jones, me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to midnight mass
and we sing hymns; then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up
our stockings. Then all excited, we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys.

"Very nice Patrick," she said. "Now Jimmy Brown, what do you do at Christmas?"

Well, Ms. Jones, me and my sister also go to church with Mum and Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents.

Realizing there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked, "Now, Isaac Cohen, what do you do at Christmas?"

Isaac said, "Well, it's the same thing every year...Dad comes home from the office. We all pile into the Rolls Royce; then we drive to Dad's toy factory.
When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves..... and begin to sing:
“What A Friend We Have in Jesus”.
Then we all go to the Bahamas.

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

A man goes out and buys the best car available in the US or Europe, a 2011 Turbo BeepBeep. It is the best and most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops for a red light. An old man on a moped, both looking about 90 years old, pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?".

The dude replies "A 2011 Turbo BeepBeep. They cost $500,000."

"That's a lotta money!" says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?"

"Cause this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the cool dude proudly.

The old man asks "Can I take a look inside?"

"Sure" replies the owner.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says "That's a pretty nice car, alright!"

Just then the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320. Suddenly, the guy notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer!

Whhhoooooooooossssshhhhhh! Something whips by him! Going maybe three times as fast!

The guy wonders "what on earth could be going faster than my Turbo BeepBeeP?" Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him.

Whooooooooooosh! Goes by again! And, it almost looked like the old man on the moped! Couldn't be thinks the guy. How could a moped outrun a Turbo BeepBeep? Again, he sees a dot in his rearview mirror!

WhoooooooshhhhhhhhKa-BbbbblaMMMMM! It ploughs into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end.

The guy jumps out and discovers it is the old man! Of course, the moped and the old man are hurting for certain. The guy runs up to the dying old man and asks "You're hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for you?"

The old man replies "Yeah. Unhook my suspenders from the side-view mirror on your car!"