[OT] Jokes page

[paulyc Member Find all posts View Profile Close paulyc]

New Aussie Pickup Line...



A bloke was standing at a bar and a beautiful woman was beside him so he leans over and says...


"You remind me of my little toe"


She replies, "What?... You Mean I'm small and cute?"

He says "No, I`ll probably bang you on the coffee table later when I'm drunk"

[paulyc Member Find all posts View Profile Close paulyc]

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on greens' fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf and sex."

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

True Reports from British life .........!!!
BRITISH NEWSPAPERS

Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas
bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, 'We agree it was rather high
for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the
gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house.'
(The Daily Telegraph)

Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami
in her underwear. When asked why, she said it was because she was
missing her Italian boyfriend.
(The Manchester Evening News)

Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van,
because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle
and they don't want the public to know what it looks like.
(The Guardian)

A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was
rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast guard spokesman
commented, 'This sort of thing is all too common'.
(The Times)

At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coast guard and
asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he
didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just
blown his Land Rover off the cliff.
( Aberdeen Evening Express)

Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue , Boscombe, delighted the audience
with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each
week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she
recalled -
'He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up
in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out 'Heil
Hitler.''
( Bournemouth Evening Echo)

HEARD ON THE LONDON UNDERGROUND TUBE
A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made
to their passengers...

1) 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service.
I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to
be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to
the Westbound and go in the opposite direction.'

2) 'Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering
from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let
you know any further information as soon as I'm given any.'

3) 'Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is
that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great
time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between
Mile End and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our
destination.'

4) 'Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there is a
security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for
the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some
time together. All together now.... 'Ten green bottles, hanging on a
wall.....'.'

5) 'We are now travelling through Baker Street .... As you can see,
Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually
told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about
things like that'.

6) 'Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these
professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a
registered charity. Failing that, give it to me.'

7) During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver
announced in a West Indian drawl: 'Step right this way for the sauna,
ladies and gentleman... unfortunately, towels are not provided.'

8) 'Let the passengers off the train FIRST!' (Pause ) 'Oh go on then,
stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home....'

9) 'Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with
'Please hold the doors open.' The two are distinct and separate
instructions.'

10) 'Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means
that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or
your bags into the doors.'

11) 'We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the
door.'

12) 'To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the
second carriage -- what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you
understand?'

13) 'Please move all baggage away from the doors.' (Pause..) 'Please
move ALL belongings away from the doors.' (Pause...) 'This is a
personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the
rear of the train: Put the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your bloody
golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them
up your arse sideways!'

14) 'May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking
allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a
joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage.'

[fishfinder Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close fishfinder]

Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love.
One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.

... Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies, "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit in there nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."

Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance, Jenny makes
five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, so that should do us just fine."

Mr. Smith is impressed. Bruce has put so much thought into this.

"Well Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?"

Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far."

Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little shit is adorable.

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

The man said, 'I do, Father.'

The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the wall.'

Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

'Certainly, Father,' the man replied.

'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.'

The priest said, 'I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die , yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.'

[paulyc Member Find all posts View Profile Close paulyc]

The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from generation to generation, says that "When you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount."

However, in government more advanced strategies are often employed, such as:

1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
4. Arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride dead horses.
5. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.
6. Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired.
7. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.
8. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed.
9. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase the dead horse's performance.
10. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse's performance.
11. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overhead and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.
12. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses.

And, of course...
13. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position.

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

Old Butch

John was in the fertilised egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilise the eggs.

He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.

Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

John's favourite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!

When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.

He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Saint Lawrence County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Vote carefully in the next election, the bells are not always audible

[craigm Addicted PP Member Find all posts View Profile Close craigm]

A Rugby League fan from Adelaide (the “City of Churches”) happened to be a bit of an expert on churches, and decided to combine a holiday to write a book about churches around the country.

Having seen all his local churches already, he started off by flying to Melbourne, and was going to work his way up the east coast of Australia.
Going to a very large church in the Melbourne city centre, he began taking photographs and making notes. He spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule wall, and was intrigued with a sign that read, "$10,000 per minute."
Seeking out the pastor, he asked about the phone and the sign. The pastor answered that the golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to Heaven, and if he pays the price, he can talk directly to God.
The astounded man thanked the pastor and continued on his way.

As he continued to visit churches next in Canberra, Wollongong, Sydney, Newcastle, and up along the Central Coast of NSW, continuing to make his way up the coastline, he found more such phones, with the same sign, and the same explanation from each pastor.

Finally, the man arrived in the great state of Queensland.
Upon entering a church, behold: he saw the usual golden telephone. But THIS time, the sign read: "Calls: 40 cents"!? Fascinated, the man asked to speak with the pastor.
"Reverend, I have been in cities all over the country and in each church I have found this golden telephone, and have been told it is a direct line to Heaven, and that I could use it to talk to God.... But in 20 other churches, the cost was $10,000 per minute. Your sign says 40 cents per call.

....Why is that?

The pastor, smiling benignly, replied: "Son, you're in Queensland now! and it's a local call."

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under
your vehicle.




From the Daily Telegraph comes this story of a Sydney couple
who drove their car to Westfield Blacktown, only to have their car break
down in the
car park.

The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the
car.
The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On
closer inspection, she saw a pair of hairy legs protruding from under
the chassis. Unfortunately, although the man was in shorts, his lack of
underpants turned his private parts into glaringly public ones..

Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward,
quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into
place.
On regaining her feet, she looked across the bonnet and found
herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by watching.

The NRMA mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

[paulyc Member Find all posts View Profile Close paulyc]

A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said, "I want to be a movie
star." Tall, handsome, and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials.

The agent asked, "What's your name?"

The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."

The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood , you are going to have
to change your name."

"I will NOT change my name!
The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever."

The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years...you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian!
I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you."

"So be it! I guess we will not do business together," the guy said and he left the agent's
office.


FIVE YEARS LATER......The agent opens an envelope sent to his office.

Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000.

The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000?

He reads the letter enclosed...


Dear Sir,


Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood & you told me I needed to change my name.

Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused.

You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian.

After I left your office, I thought about what you said.

I decided you were right. I had to change my name.

I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent.

I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token
of my appreciation.

Thank you for your advice.

Sincerely,

Dick van Dyke

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

A single glass at night could mean a peaceful, uninterrupted nights sleep
NEW
Wine for Seniors
I kid you not...


California vintners in the

Napa Valley area,
which primarilly produce

Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir, Pinot Gris,and Pinot
Grigio wines,

have developed a new hybrid grape

that acts as an anti-diuretic.
It is expected to reduce the number of trips

older people have to make to the
bathroom during the night.

The new wine will be
marketed as





PINO MORE




I HEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE!!
I just could not help it!

Forward this to all your "senior" friends
I just did
Sorry, somebody thought I deserved this so I'm spreading the love!

[craigm Addicted PP Member Find all posts View Profile Close craigm]

How a bailout package works....


It is a slow day in a little Greek Village. The rain is beating down and the streets are deserted.
Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.
On this particular day a rich German tourist is driving through the village, stops at the local hotel and lays a €100 note on the desk, telling the hotel owner he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.
The owner gives him some keys and, as soon as the visitor has walked upstairs, the hotelier grabs the €100 note and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.
The butcher takes the €100 note and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer. The pig farmer takes the €100 note and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel. The guy at the Farmers' Co-op takes the €100 note and runs to pay his drinks bill at the taverna. The publican slips the money along to the local prostitute drinking at the bar, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer him "services" on credit. The hooker then rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill to the hotel owner with the €100 note. The hotel proprietor then places the €100 note back on the counter so the rich traveller will not suspect anything.
At that moment the traveller comes down the stairs, picks up the €100 note, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town.
No one produced anything. No one earned anything. However, the whole village is now out of debt and looking to the future with a lot more optimism. And that, Ladies and Gentlemen, is how the bailout package works.

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

I just got off the phone with a friend living in northern Alberta near the British Columbia border. He said that since early this morning the snow is nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is dropping and is at about 15 degrees and the north wind is increasing to near gale force. His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare.

He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.

[Chewbacca Member Find all posts View Profile Close Chewbacca]

I was at the ATM today and a little old lady asked me if I could help check her balance, so I pushed her over.

[1coolbanana Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close 1coolbanana]

Speshal enginears joke

Why Boobs got their name
This is much simpler than I thought !