[OT] Jokes page

[Richoson Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Richoson]

Friendship between Women:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.


Friendship between Men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends, eight of which confirmed that he had slept over, and two said that he was still there.

[Richoson Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Richoson]

Friendship between Women:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.


Friendship between Men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends, eight of which confirmed that he had slept over, and two said that he was still there.

[MidLifeCrisis Out of control poster! Find all posts View Profile Close MidLifeCrisis]

Geeze Richo

Aside from the double post, this was posted a few pages back. You guys run out of xxxx pain tstripper or something?

[Richoson Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Richoson]

Geeze Richo

Aside from the double post, this was posted a few pages back. You guys run out of xxxx pain tstripper or something?

Hey MLC

What is the go with the"do you want to stay on this page" message, I'm not on the same page as anyone I didn't see it on the past pages it just cracked me up and I had to share it, quite like a cold XXXX on a hot day.

See ya on the tracks, Richoi.

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

The Hotel Bill

An elderly lady decided to give herself a big treat for her significant birthday by staying overnight in one of London 's most expensive hotels.


When she checked out next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $250.00.

She exploded and demanded to know why the charge was so high. "It's a nice hotel but the rooms certainly aren't worth $250.00 for just an overnight stop without even breakfast."


The clerk told her that $250.00 is the 'standard rate' so she insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appeared and forewarned by the desk clerk announced: "the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which are available for use."


'But I didn't use them," she said.
''Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager.

He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from Edinburgh , Glasgow , and Aberdeen performing here," the Manager said.

"But I didn't go to any of those shows," she said.
"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't use it!"

The Manager was unmoved, so she decided to pay, wrote a check and gave it to the Manager.

The Manager was surprised when he looked at the check. "But madam, this check is only made out for $50.00." ''That's correct. I charged you $200.00 for sleeping with me,” she replied.

"But I didn't!" exclaims the very surprised Manager.

"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."


Don't mess with Senior Citizens

[paulyc Member Find all posts View Profile Close paulyc]

Entering a classroom at MCAS (Marine Corps Air Station,) Yuma, a female Marine Captain encountered a clearly apathetic audience. She was selected to provide a full hour's instruction on Iraqi electronic warfare capabilities to 150 Marine aviators who showed by their body language deep skepticism about her ability to teach war fighting skills to an all-male class.

She began by noting that her voice had just been tested to see if it was suitable for some new cockpit recorder messages for Marine aircraft. She said that unfortunately she had not been selected to be the new "Bitching Betty." However, she said it was only fair to warn the audience the reason given for her non-selection was that an analysis of her voice pattern revealed that her particular voice had a tendency to lull to sleep any male homosexual within earshot.

The assembled officers shot upright in their chairs. 150 pairs of eyes were wide open and locked on her and stayed that way for the rest of the period.

[Ozpat Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close Ozpat]

There is a Muslim passenger in a taxi .

He asks the taxi-driver to turn off the radio.

He explains that he must not hear music as decreed by his religion, for in the time of the prophet, there was no music.... no radio…….

So the driver turns off the radio, stops the car, leans over and opens the back door.

The Arab asks him: "What are you doing?"

The driver replied: "In the time of the prophet there were no taxis, so get the f**k out my cab and wait for a camel !!"

[Ozpat Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close Ozpat]

Edward I of England comes to Scotland to conquer the Scots.

He brings 4,000 men with him. As he nears the battlefield,
there suddenly appears a solitary figure on the crest of the hill.
A short, ginger-haired guy in a kilt.

'Come up here, ya English bastards, and I'll give ye a hammerin'!'

Edward turns to his commander.
'Send 20 men to deal with that little Scottish upstart, he says.

The commander sends twenty of his best men over the hill to kill the Scotsman

Ten minutes later, at the crest of the hill, the little Scot appears again.
'Ya English dandies!' he yells. 'Come on the rest of ye! Come on,
I'll take ye all on!'

Edward is getting somewhat annoyed. He turns to his commander.

'Send 100 men to kill that little shite!'

The commander sends 100 men Over the hill to do the job.

Ten minutes later, the little Scot appears at the top of the hill once more,
his hair all sticking up, his shirt a wee bit torn.

'Ya English SCUM!' he yells. 'I'm just warming up! Come and get me, ya English gobshites!'

Edward losses patience. 'Commander, take 400 men and personally wipe that
little bastard off the face of the earth!' he yells.

The commander gulps, but leads four hundred men on horseback over the
crest of the hill.

Ten minutes later, the little Scotsman is back.
His clothing is all torn, his face is covered in blood and snot.

'Is that the best ye can do? You're bloody WUMMIN! Come on!
Come and have a go, ya bunch of English Shites!' he yells.

Edward turns to his second in command. 'Take 1,000 men over that hill and
don't come back till you've killed that little red haired bastard!' he commands.

The second in command gathers the men and they ride off over the hill to their fate.

Ten minutes later, he appears back at the top of the hill, covered in blood,
his clothes all torn off his back.

'Your Majesty!' he yells.

'It's a trap!

There's two of them!'

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Marys and put €50 in the poor box.'

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that.. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the €50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

Lemon Squeeze

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'

The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made passionate love to me seven times.'

The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off your face.'

Looks of Disappointment

A man was just waking up from anaesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're beautiful.' Then he fell asleep again.

His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're cute..' The wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful,' it was now 'cute.'

She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?'

The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.'

Catholic Dog

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead... Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church..... But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe.. Maybe they'll do something for the creature..'

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

Donation

Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'

'It is!'

'This is the IRS. Can you help us?'

'I can!'
'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'

'I do!'

'Is he a member of your congregation?'

'He is!'

'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'

'He will.'

Confession

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins?'

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

Man: 'I'm 92 years old ..... I'm telling everybody!'

Brothel Trip

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.

'I'm 90 years old,' he says.

'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'

'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'

Senility

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile.. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'
'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down..'

Pest Control

A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company... One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet..

'Who are you?' he asked him..

'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.

'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked..

'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.

'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards!'..

Marriage Humour

Wife: 'What are you doing?'

Husband: Nothing.

Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'

Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'

-------------------------------

Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'

Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'

Wife: 'Yes or no.'

--------------------------------------------------------
Stress Reliever

Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'

Bo y: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'

Girl: 'We ll that's because we aren't married yet.'

------------------------------
Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'

Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'

Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'

________________________________

A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'

'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'

------------------------------------------------------------

A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humour!'




Husbands are husbands

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.
'What was that for?' the man asked.
The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'...
The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on' the wife apologized and went on with the housework..
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.
Wife replied.. 'Your horse phoned'

Let us pray......................
Give me a sense of humour, Lord,
Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humour out of life,
And pass it on to other folk

[ursos Member Find all posts View Profile Close ursos]

The Hotel Bill

An elderly lady decided to give herself a big treat for her significant birthday by staying overnight in one of London 's most expensive hotels.


When she checked out next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $250.00.

etc...

The $250.00 is the joke, right?
LOL

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

After being married for 40 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said,
"Forty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car,
slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV,
but I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl.

Now ... I have a $500,000.00 home, a $35,000.00 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV,
but I'm sleeping with a 63-year-old woman.
It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman.
She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure
that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car,
sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy's problems.

[SWR Banned Find all posts View Profile Close SWR]

A young woman was about to finish her first year of university. Like so
many others her age, she considered herself to be Labor Party minded.

She was very much in favour of higher taxes to support her education and for more government programs - in other words, a ‘better’ redistribution of wealth.

Much like a Carbon Tax?

She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch
blue-ribbon Conservative, a feeling she often expressed openly. Based on the
lectures that she had attended and the occasional personal chat
with a professor, she felt ashamed that her father had, for years, harboured “a
selfish desire to keep all of what he thought should be his to himself.”

One day she was again challenging her father on his opposition to higher
taxes on the rich and the need for more government assistance programs. The
self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors must be the truth, and she indicated so to her father. He responded by asking how she was doing at university.
Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 90% average,
and let him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that she was taking a very difficult course load and was constantly studying, which left her no time to go out and party
like other people she knew. She didn't even have time for a boyfriend, and
didn't really have many university friends because she spent all her time studying.
Her father listened and then asked, "How is your friend Audrey doing?"

She replied, "Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are easy
classes, she never studies and she barely has a 50% average. She is so
popular on campus; university for her is a blast. She's always invited to all the parties, and lots of times she doesn't even show up for classes because she's too hung over."

Her father asked his daughter, "Why don't you go to the Dean's office and ask
him to deduct 20% off your average and give it to your friend who only has
50%. That way you will both have a 70% average, it would be fair and you would both be equal."

The daughter, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily
fired back, "That's a crazy idea; how would that be fair! I've worked
really hard for my grades! I've invested a lot of time, and a
lot of hard work! Audrey has done next to nothing toward her degree. She
played while I worked my tail off!"

The father slowly smiled, winked and said gently, "Welcome to
the Conservative side of the fence darling."


If anyone has a better explanation of the difference between
Conservative and Labor/Greens, I'm all ears. If you ever wondered what
side of the fence you sit on, these are a few observations you might consider !

If a Conservative supporter doesn't like guns, he doesn't buy one.

If a Labor/Green doesn't like guns, they want all guns outlawed.



If a Conservative is a vegetarian, he doesn't eat meat.

If a Labor/Green is a vegetarian, he wants all meat products banned
for everyone.



If a Conservative is gay, he quietly leads his life.

If a Labor/Green is gay, he demands legislated respect.



If a Conservative is down-and-out, he thinks about how to better his situation.

A Labor/Green wonders who is going to take care of him.



If a Conservative doesn't like a talk show host, he switches channels.

Labor/Greens demand that those they don't like should be banned.



If a Conservative is a non-believer, he doesn't go to church.

A Labor/Green non-believer wants any mention of God and
religion silenced... unless it's a foreign religion, of course!



If a Conservative reads this, he'll forward it so his friends can have a
good old laugh.

A Labor/Green voter will probably delete it immediately because she's "deeply offended."

[smakb Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close smakb]

A young woman was about to finish her first year ."

That is sooooo real that i have to forward to the guys at work. lolol.

[JoshF Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close JoshF]

It was all working for me until

A Labor/Green non-believer wants any mention of God and
religion silenced... unless it's a foreign religion, of course!


I wasn't aware we had a local religion :-)

[SWR Banned Find all posts View Profile Close SWR]

Yup!!!

From the Australian way of life that stems back from the first settlers there was a local religion but from a political correct point of view there is a long term plan in the future that is about to change all of that!!... It starts by removing its historical culture and way of life then making all of the big companies fragmented into small manageable sectors then it can be replaced with the governments ultimate power which is controlled from over-seas of course.

That is what makes this "JOKE" sooooo true

This is the joke section so ill keep away from "world" politics and jab with jokes without the intention of offending whilst Australia is still a free country..... for now. Lol

Cheers