[OT] Jokes page

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

Golfing Question
What if you were playing in the club championship tournament finals and the match was halved at the end of 17 holes.

You had the honor and hit your ball a modest two hundred fifty yards to the middle of the fairway,
leaving a simple six iron to the pin.

Your opponent then hits his ball, lofting it deep into the woods to the right of the fairway.

Being the golfing gentleman that you are, you help your opponent look for his ball.

Just before the permitted five minute search period ends, your opponent says:
"Go ahead and hit your second shot and if I don't find it in time, I'll concede the match."

You hit your ball, landing it on the green, stopping about ten feet from the pin.

About the time your ball comes to rest, you hear your opponent exclaim from deep in the woods:

"I found it!".
The second sound you hear is a click, the sound of a club striking a ball and the ball comes sailing out of
the woods and lands on the green, stopping no more than six inches from the hole.

Now here is the ethical dilemma:

Do you pull the cheating bastard's ball out of your pocket and confront him with it or do you keep your mouth shut.

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

Once upon a time there lived a king who had a beautiful daughter, the Princess...

But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.

No matter what;
Metal,
Wood,
Stone,
Anything she touched would melt.

Because of this, men were afraid of her.
Nobody would dare marry her.

The king despaired.
What could he do to help his daughter?

He consulted his wizards and magicians.
One wizard told the king, 'If your daughter
touches one thing that does not melt in her hands,

She will be cured.'

The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan.

The next day, he held a competition.
Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth...

THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.

The first brought a sword of the finest steel.



But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted.
The prince went away sadly....



The second prince brought diamonds.



He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt.

But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted.

He too was sent away disappointed.

The third prince approached.
He told the princess, 'Put your hand in my
pocket and feel what is in there.'

The princess did as she was told, though she turned red ..


She felt something hard. She held it in her hand.

And it did not melt!!!

The king was overjoyed.
Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed.

And the third prince married the princess and
they both lived happily ever after.

Question: What was in the prince's pants?



M&M's of course.

They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
What were you thinking??

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

Some examples of work that resulted in people winning IG Nobel Prizes includes:

Economics: To a group that discovered that strippers earn more when they are at their peak fertility than otherwise. One can only imagine the significant time they had to spend at strip clubs FOR SCIENCE!!!

Fluid Dynamics: To researchers who calculated the pressure build up inside penguins before they defecate. The report was titled: “Pressures Produced When Penguins Poo—Calculations on Avian Defecation”.

Aviation: For the discovery that giving Viagra to hamsters helps them recover more quickly from jet lag.

Peace: To Claire Rind and Peter Simmons who did research monitoring the activity of a brain cell in a locust while it watched certain scenes in the film Star Wars.

Biology: The discovery that a certain kind of beetle is attracted to and will try to mate with certain kinds of Australian beer bottles. The bottles these beetles are attracted to are brown with “bobbly bits”.

Medicine: For the discovery that when people have a strong urge to pee, they consistently make better decisions with certain types of things and worse decisions with other kinds of things.

Chemistry: For the invention of the “wasabi alarm”, which is an alarm that is used to wake up sleeping people in case of fire or other emergency (particularly useful for deaf people). In order to build this alarm, the researchers figured out just how much wasabi to release into the air to wake people up.

Biology: For the discovery that herring communicate with one another via farting.

Medicine: For the development of replacement testicles for castrated dogs, which are available in a variety of sizes and levels of firmness.

Peace: To the mayor of Vilnius, Lithuania, Arturas Zuokas, for discovering that running over illegally parked luxury cars with tanks can effectively get rid of the problem of illegally parked cars.

Veterinary Medicine: For the discovery that cows who are given names produce more milk than cows that don’t have names.

Literature: (my favorite as it’s been my philosophy “Productive Procrastination” for about a decade now) This was awarded in 2011 to John Perry for his Theory of Structured Procrastination, which states: “To be a high achiever, always work on something important, using it as a way to avoid doing something that’s even more important.”

Medicine: Prize given to Donald L. Unger for steadfastly only cracking the knuckles on one hand and not the other for 50 years in order to determine whether cracking knuckles can be a cause for arthritis in fingers.

Physics: For a project proving that heaps of string or hair will inevitably tangle.

Medicine: For research on how listening to country music affects suicide rates.

Chemistry: To Mayu Yamamoto for figuring out a way to extract vanilla flavor from cow dung.

Astrophysics: For a paper illustrating that black holes fulfill all the technical requirements to be the location of biblical Hell, a.k.a. “outer darkness”.

Linguistics: To a group that conclusively demonstrated that rats occasionally are unable to distinguish between Japanese and Dutch recordings played backwards.

Ornithology: To a group that researched why woodpeckers don’t get headaches. (you can read about why woodpeckers don’t get headaches and more woodpecker facts here)

Medicine: To Francis M. Fesmire who published a report illustrating how to get rid of hiccups via “Digital Rectal Massage”.

Physics: To John Mainstone and Thomas Parnell who have jointly painstakingly researched the rate of drops from a glob of congealed black tar placed in a funnel in 1927. If you’re curious, its current average rate between drops is nine years. Easiest research project ever…

Peace: To the United States Air Force for trying to develop a bomb which doesn’t kill, but rather causes enemy troops to all become sexually attracted to one another, a “gay bomb”.

[MidLifeCrisis Out of control poster! Find all posts View Profile Close MidLifeCrisis]

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place.
The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then grabs some sliced limes and eats them. Then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

The guy says "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table-whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me, "replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted.

"Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.

"No, what?" replies the guy. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. " He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first..."

[Ozpat Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close Ozpat]

Blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. "I'm sorry sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from the previous customer, I'll smell it and order from there."

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. "Ah, yes that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes."

Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves. Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again.

"Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man." "I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork." The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.

After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great, I take the Macaroni and cheese with broccoli. Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him.

The blind man eats and leaves. He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Mary rub this fork between your legs before I take it to the blind man."

Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back.

As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting. "Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you." The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, "Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here?"

[Ozpat Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close Ozpat]

Got a flier in mailbox today.

It said, "If you're an alcoholic, ring this number."

So I rang the number.

It was the fookin' bottle shop.

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

ZEN TEACHINGS . . .

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.
Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.
Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow.
In fact, just leave me the Hell alone.

2. Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.

3. No one is listening until you fart.

4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of payments.

7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

10. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again,
it was probably well worth it.

11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

12. Some days you are the dog, some days you are the tree.

13. Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.

14. Good judgment comes from bad experience ...
and most of that comes from bad judgment.

15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.

17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass...
then things just keep getting worse.

20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill
and a laxative on the same night.

21. Build a man a fire and he will be warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life!

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

An RAF Group Captain was about to start the morning briefing to his staff.
While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the Group Captain decided to pose a question to all assembled.
He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.
He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?"
A Wing Commander chimed in with 75-25% in favour of work.
A Squadron Leader said it was 50-50%.
A Flight Lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favour of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.
There being no consensus, the Group Captain turned to the Corporal who was in charge of making the coffee.
What was his opinion?
Without any hesitation, the young Corporal responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."
The Group Captain was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why?
"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."

The room fell silent. God Bless the lower ranks.

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

Amazing human body

>
>It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
>
>
>One human hair can support 6.6 pounds.
>
>
>The average man's penis is two times the length of his thumb.
>
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>Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
>
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>A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
>
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>There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
>
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>Women blink twice as often as men.
>
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>The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
>
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>Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
>
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>If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
>
>
>Women: will be finished reading this by now.
>
>
>Men: are still busy checking their thumbs.

[Ozpat Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close Ozpat]

I do not enjoy computer jokes. Not one bit.

I changed my iPod name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

A guy got arrested for playing the guitar. For fingering A minor.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type-O.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

PMS jokes aren't funny, period.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

Energizer Bunny arrested. Charged with battery.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!

Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

Broken pencils are pointless.

I tried to catch some fog. I mist.

What do you call a dinosaur with extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

Velcro - what a rip off!

Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

Earthquake in Canberra, its obviously the government's fault .

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too .

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

The Bathtub Test

During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine Whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"

"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a Teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket Because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you
Want a bed near the window?"

ARE YOU GOING TO PASS THIS ON?
OR
DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE?

[Ozpat Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close Ozpat]

A man goes into the pharmacy and says: "Have you got any Viagra?"
"Do you have a prescription?" asks the chemist. "No," he replies, "But 'I've got a photograph of the wife."

I rang Telstra. I said: "I want to report a nuisance caller." The voice on the other end said: "Not you again."

A man says to the doctor: "What's the good news?" "You've got 24 hours to live." says the doctor.
He says: "Shit, well what's the bad news?" The doctor says: "We should have told you yesterday."

My wife said to me: "If you won the lottery, would you still love me?"
"I said: "Of course I would. I'd miss you, but I'd still love you."

The wife is hurt in an accident with the vacuum cleaner. I phoned hospital to see how she was.
Nurse said: "She's picking up."

My wife went into the butchers and said: "You've got a pig's head in your window."
The butcher said: "That's a mirror."

An Irishman's wife gave birth to twins. Her husband wanted to know who the other man was.

Dear Son, I hope you are having fun in Australia. I am sending you three socks as your telegram said you've grown another foot.

There were two Irishmen eating sandwiches in a pub. The barman said,
"You can't eat your own food in here." So they swapped sandwiches.

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar.
The barman looks at them and says: "Is this some kind of a joke?"

I went to an old people's home. I asked an old lady with a walking frame. "Do you know who I am?"
She replied, "Ask the Matron, she'll tell you."

I'm staying in a lovely hotel, dressing robe behind the door, best towels, lovely fluffy sheets.
Took me an hour getting my suitcase closed.

It's my wife's birthday soon. I said to her: "What would you like for your birthday?"
"She said: "I want a divorce." I said: "I wasn't planning on spending that much."

Ireland now have an abortion clinic but there is a twelve month waiting list.

I went to the dentist and had all my teeth out. I was in agony, and said: "Never again."

My mate says, "What’s that you got?" I said, "It’s a thermos."
"What’s it for?" he says. I said, "It keeps food hot. It also keeps food cold."
Next day he has one. I said, "What have you got in it?" He said, "Soup and ice cream."

[SWR Banned Find all posts View Profile Close SWR]

CAN THE AUSTRALIA SURVIVE GIVEN THE FOLLOWING?

The folks who are getting free stuff, don't like the folks who are paying for the free stuff, because the folks who are paying for the free stuff can no longer afford to pay for both the free stuff and their own stuff.

The folks who are paying for the free stuff want the free stuff to stop, and the folks who are getting the free stuff want even more free stuff on top of the free stuff they are already getting!

Now... The people who are forcing the people to pay for the free stuff have told the people who are RECEIVING the free stuff, that the people who are PAYING for the free stuff, are being mean, prejudiced, and racist.

So... The people who are GETTING the free stuff have been convinced they need to hate the people who are paying for the free stuff by the people who are forcing some people to pay for their free stuff, and giving them the free stuff in the first place.

We have let the free stuff giving go on for so long that there are now more people getting free stuff than paying for the free stuff.

Now understand this: all great democracies have committed financial suicide somewhere between 200 and 250 years after being founded. The reason? The voters figured out they could vote themselves money from the treasury by electing people who promised to give them money from the treasury in exchange for electing them. Thomas Jefferson said it best: Democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who would not.

The number of people now getting free stuff outnumbers the people paying for the free stuff.

A Nation of Sheep Breeds a Government of Wolves!

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

I would like to share an experience with you, about drinking and driving.

As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years. A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends at the Marriott Hotel and had a few too many beers and some rather nice red wine. Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before: I took a bus home. Sure enough I passed a police road block but as it was a bus, they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it.

[ondaboat Coopers Pale Ale Find all posts View Profile Close ondaboat]

So did you take it back Jon?

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