[OT] Jokes page

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

Still don't know where the bus came from.......

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

DONATIONS FOR PARLIAMENT


A driver Is stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside
Canberra,

Nothing Is moving. Suddenly, a man knocks on the car
window.

The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going
on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped the members of parliament and
they're asking for a $100 million ransom!

Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in petrol and
set them on fire. We are going from car to car collecting donations."

"How much is everyone giving, on average?" the driver asks.

"Roughly a litre."

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins

on the ice in Antarctica - where do they go?

Wonder no more ! ! !


It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic

Bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.


The penguin is very committed to its family and will

Mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of

Compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members

Of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes

In the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is

Deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle

Around the fresh grave and sing:


"Freeze a jolly good fellow"

"Freeze a jolly good fellow."

"Then they kick him in the ice hole."

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

A guy was playing golf one day and he got lost. He saw a lady up ahead of
him and went to her and said "Can you please help me, I don't
know what hole I'm on."

She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 7; you're on 6." He
thanked her and continued playing golf. On the back nine he got lost
again.

He saw the same lady and went to her again kind of embarrassed. "I'm sorry
to bother you again but I'm lost again, can you please tell me what hole
I'm on." She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 14; you are on
13." Again he thanked her and continued playing golf.

When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse. He went up to her and asked
if he could buy her a drink for helping him out. She accepted. As they
were drinking and talking he asked her what she did for a living.

"I'm in sales."

He replied "no kidding so am I. What do you sell?"

She said it's too embarrassing to tell. But after he kept pleading to know
what she sold she said she'd tell him if he promised not to laugh. He
promised. She said, "I sell tampons".

He immediately fell to the floor laughing hysterically.

She said, "You promised you wouldn't laugh".
He replied "I'm sorry, but I couldn't help it. I sell toilet paper. I'm
still one hole behind you."

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

A lawyer boarded a Jetstar flight in Perth Australia , with a box of
frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him.
She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.

He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them
staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer
and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw
out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behaviour. Shortly before landing
in Sydney , she used the intercom to announce to the entire plane, "Would
the lawyer who gave me the crabs in Perth , please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them.


Two lessons here:
1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.

2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folk think.

[SWR Banned Find all posts View Profile Close SWR]

Carbon Tax explanation
ETS tax for dummies - regardless of your political persuasion. Let's put this into a bit of perspective for laymen!

ETS is another tax. It is equal to putting up the GST to 12.5% which would be unacceptable and produce an outcry.

Read the following analogy and you will realise the insignificance of carbon dioxide as a weather controller.

Here's a practical way to understand Julia Gillard’s Carbon Pollution Reduction Scheme.
Imagine 1 kilometre of atmosphere and we want to get rid of the carbon pollution in it created by human activity. Let's go for a walk along it.

The first 770 metres are Nitrogen.
The next 210 metres are Oxygen.
That's 980 metres of the 1 kilometre.
20 metres to go.
The next 10 metres are water vapour.
10 metres left.
9 metres are argon.
Just 1 more metre.
A few gases make up the first bit of that last metre.
The last 38 centimetres of the kilometre - that's carbon dioxide.
A bit over one foot.
97% of that is produced by Mother Nature.
It’s natural.
Out of our journey of one kilometre, there are just 12 millimetres left.
Just over a centimetre - about half an inch.
That’s the amount of carbon dioxide that global human activity puts into the atmosphere.
And of those 12 millimetres Australia puts in 0.18 of a millimetre.
Less than the thickness of a hair. Out of a kilometre!

As a hair is to a kilometer - so is Australia 's contribution to what Julia Gillard calls Carbon Pollution.

Imagine Brisbane's new Gateway Bridge, opened by Julia Gillard. It's been polished, painted and scrubbed by an army of workers till its 1 kilometer length is surgically clean. Except that Julia Gillard says we have a huge problem, the bridge is polluted - there's a human hair on the roadway. We'd laugh ourselves silly.

[SWR Banned Find all posts View Profile Close SWR]

While on her morning walk, Prime Minister Julia Gillard falls over, has a heart attack and dies because the accident and emergency dept at her nearest hospital is too understaffed to treat her in time.

So her soul arrives in Heaven and she is met by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. 'Welcome to Heaven,' says Saint Peter, 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a Socialist around these parts, so we're not sure what to do with you.'

'No problem, just let me in; I'm a good Christian; I'm a believer,' says the PM.

'I'd like to just let you in, but I have orders from God. He says that since the implementation of his new HEAVEN CHOICES policy, you have to spend one day in Hell and one day in Heaven. Then you must choose where you'll live for eternity.'

'But I've already made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven,' replies Gillard.
'I'm sorry .. But we have our rules,' Peter interjects. And, with that, St. Peter escorts her to a lift and she goes down, down, down ...all the way to Hell.

The doors open and she finds herself in the middle of a lush golf course.

The sun is shining in a cloudless sky. The temperature is a perfect 22C degrees. In the distance is a beautiful club-house. Standing in front of it is Gough Whitlam and thousands of other Socialist luminaries who had helped her out over the years --- Bob Hawke, Paul Keating, etc. The whole of the Labour Party leaders were there ..

Everyone laughing, happy, and casually but expensively dressed.

They run to greet her, to hug her and to reminisce about the good times they had getting rich at the expense of 'suckers and peasants.'

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. The Devil himself comes up to Gillard with a frosty drink, 'Have a tequila and relax, Julia!'

'Uh, I can't drink anymore; I took a pledge,' says Julia, dejectedly.

'This is Hell, Lavy. You can drink and eat all you want and not worry and it just gets better from there!'

Julia takes the drink and finds herself liking the Devil, who she thinks is a really very friendly bloke who tells funny jokes like herself and pulls hilarious nasty pranks, kind of like the ones the Labour Party pulled with their master strokes on Education, Immigration, Petrol prices, Tough on Crime promises.

They are having such a great time that, before she realises it, it's time to go. Everyone gives her a big hug and waves as Gillard steps on the lift and heads upward.

When the lift door reopens, she is in Heaven again and Saint Peter is waiting for her. 'Now it's time to visit Heaven,' the old man says, opening the gate.

So for 24 hours Gillard is made to hang out with a bunch of honest, good-natured people who enjoy each other's company, talk about things other than money and treat each other decently. Not a nasty prank or short-arse joke among them. No fancy country clubs here and, while the food tastes great, it's not caviar or lobster. And these people are all poor. she doesn't see anybody she knows and she isn't even treated like someone special!

'Whoa,' she says uncomfortably to herself. 'Gough Whitlam never prepared me for this!'

The day done, Saint Peter returns and says, 'Well, you've spent a day in Hell and a day in Heaven. Now choose where you want to live for Eternity.'

With the 'Deal or No Deal' theme playing softly in the background, Gillard reflects for a minute ... Then answers: 'Well, I would never have thought I'd say this -- I mean, Heaven has been delightful and all -- but I really think I belong in Hell with my friends.'

So Saint Peter escorts her to the lift and she goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell.

The doors of the lift open and she is in the middle of a barren scorched earth covered with garbage and toxic industrial wasteland, looking a bit like the eroded, rabbit and fox affected Australian outback, but worse and more desolate.

she is horrified to see all of her friends, dressed in rags and chained together, picking up the roadside rubbish and putting it into black plastic bags. They are groaning and moaning in pain, faces and hands black with grime.

The Devil comes over to Gillard and puts an arm around her shoulder.' I don't understand,' stammers a shocked Gillard, 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a club-house and we ate lobster and caviar and drank tequila. We lazed around and had a great time.. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and everybody looks miserable!'

The Devil looks at her, smiles slyly and purrs, 'Yesterday we were campaigning; today you voted for us!

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

TEN THOUGHTS TO PONDER

Number 10
Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny.
If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich!

Number 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day, teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Number 6
Some people are like a Slinky ...
not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

Number 5
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals, dying of nothing.

Number 4
All of us could take a lesson from the weather.
It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 3
Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00,
and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?

Number 2
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

And The Number 1 Thought
Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers;
what you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.

- - - and as someone recently said to me: "Don't worry about old age; it doesn't last long."

[Ozpat Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close Ozpat]

AT THE BAR.
Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says, "Listen here, good looking, I will screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, their place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on . . . It doesn't matter to me. I just love it." His eyes now wide open and glowing with interest, he responds,

"No kidding... I'm an attorney too .....
What's the name of your firm?

[paulyc Member Find all posts View Profile Close paulyc]

A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.
The manager asked 'Do you have any sales experience?'
The young man answered 'Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Dubbo.'
The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.
His first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, 'OK, so how many sales did you make today?'

The Aussie said 'One!'

The manager groaned and continued, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day.

How much was the sale for?'
'£124,237.64p.'
The manager choked and exclaimed £124,237.64!!
What the hell did you sell him?'
'Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook and then I sold him a new fishing rod.'

'Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat.'


'Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x4

The manager, incredulous, said, 'You mean to tell me...a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?'

'No, no, no.. he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I said...
' Well, since your weekend's buggered, you might as well go fishing.'

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

ED and NORMA
















Ed and his wife Norma go to the state fair every year,





And every year Ed would say,





" Norma, I'd like to ride in that helicopter "





Norma always replied,





" I know Ed , but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks,





And fifty bucks is fifty bucks! "





One year Ed and Norma went to the fair, and Ed said,





" Norma, I'm 75 years old.





If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance"





To this, Norma replied,





" Ed, that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks"





The pilot overheard the couple and said,





" Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny!





But if you say one word it's fifty dollars."
Ed and Norma agreed and up they went.





The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.





He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,





But still not a word...





When they landed, the pilot turned to Ed and said,





" By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed! "





Ed replied,






" Well, to tell you the truth





I almost said something when Norma fell out,





But you know,





Fifty bucks is fifty bucks! "

[crowey Member Find all posts View Profile Close crowey]

Wife texts husband on a
cold winters morning: "Windows frozen."

Husband texts back: "pour some luke warm water over it."

Wife texts back: "computer completely f**ked now."

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

A lawyer boarded a Jetstar flight in Perth Australia , with a box of
frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him.
She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.

He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them
staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer
and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw
out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behaviour. Shortly before landing
in Sydney , she used the intercom to announce to the entire plane, "Would
the lawyer who gave me the crabs in Perth , please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them.


Two lessons here:
1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.

2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folk think.

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

Ed and Nancy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her.



When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic.


He immediately started asking her out when they got home.

Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Nancy to dance clubs, restaurants,

concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Nancy was indeed his soul mate

and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Nancy
to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said,

"I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our
relationship continues to the next stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you
a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf,
I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us,
you'd better say so now!"

Nancy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem.
I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other,
you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."

Ed said, "I bet it's because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

PARAPROSDOKIANS (Winston Churchill loved them) are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous.


1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. They begin the evening news with 'Good Evening,' then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

10. Buses stop in bus stations. Trains stop in train stations. On my desk is a work station.

11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

12. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'

13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

17. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

18. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

19. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

20. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

21. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

23. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

25. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

26. Where there's a will, there are relatives.