[OT] Jokes page

[Ozpat Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close Ozpat]

There were two nuns.

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),

and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to have his way with us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

A little while later...

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM : Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL : The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL : Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

DONATIONS FOR PARLIAMENT


A driver Is stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside
Canberra,

Nothing Is moving. Suddenly, a man knocks on the car
window.

The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going
on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped the members of parliament and
they're asking for a $100 million ransom!

Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in petrol and
set them on fire. We are going from car to car collecting donations."

"How much is everyone giving, on average?" the driver asks.

"Roughly a litre."

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

Yesterday, with things being a little boring, my wife asked why I didn't do something useful with my time.

She suggested I go down to the Seniors' Centre and hang out with the blokes there.

So I did that and when I got home, I told her that I'd joined a parachute club.

She said "Are you nuts? You're 65 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"

I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card.

She looked at it then said to me, "You idiot, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a prostitute club, not a parachute club!"

I'm in trouble again and don't know what to do! I signed up for five jumps a week!


Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier when you don't wear your glasses.

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

I could not believe this..... Very interesting!





WATER

#1. 75% of Americans are chronically dehydrated.
(Likely applies to half the world population)


#2. In 37% of Americans, the thirst mechanism is so weak
that it is mistaken for hunger.


#3. Even MILD dehydration will slow down one's metabolism as 3%.


#4. One glass of water will shut down midnight hunger pangs
for almost 100% of the dieters studied in a University of
Washington study.


#5. Lack of water, the #1 trigger of daytime fatigue.


#6. Preliminary research indicates that 8-10 glasses of
water a day could significantly ease back and joint pain
for up to 80% of sufferers.


#7. A mere 2% drop in body water can trigger fuzzy short-term
memory, trouble with basic math, and difficulty focusing on
the computer screen or on a printed page.


#8. Drinking 5 glasses of water daily decreases the risk of
colon cancer by 45%, plus it can slash the risk of breast
cancer by 79%., and one is 50% less likely to develop
bladder cancer. Are you drinking the amount of water
you should drink every day?



COKE

#1. In many states the highway patrol carries
two gallons of Coke in the trunk to remove blood from
the highway after a car accident.


#2. You can put a T-bone steak in a bowl of Coke
and it will be gone in two days.

#3. To clean a toilet: Pour a can of Coca-Cola into the
toilet bowl and let the 'real thing' sit for one hour,
then flush clean. The citric acid in Coke removes
stains from vitreous china.


#4. To remove rust spots from chrome car bumpers:
Rub the bumper with a rumpled-up piece of Reynolds
Wrap aluminum foil dipped in Coca-Cola.


#5. To clean corrosion from car battery terminals: Pour
a can of Coca-Cola over the terminals to bubble
away the corrosion.


#6. To loosen a rusted bolt: Apply a cloth soaked in Coca-Cola
to the rusted bolt for several minutes.


#7. To bake a moist ham: Empty a can of Coca-Cola into
the baking pan, wrap the ham in aluminum foil, and bake.
Thirty minutes before ham is finished, remove the foil, allowing the drippings to mix
with the Coke for a sumptuous brown gravy.


#8. To remove grease from clothes: Empty a can of Coke
into the load of greasy clothes, add detergent, and run
through a regular cycle. The Coca-Cola will help loosen
grease stains. It will also clean road haze from your
windshield.


FOR YOUR INFORMATION:

#1. The active ingredient in Coke is phosphoric acid.
It will dissolve a nail in about four days. Phosphoric
acid also leaches calcium from bones and is a major
contributor to the rising increase of osteoporosis.

#2. To carry Coca-Cola syrup (the concentrate) the
commercial trucks must use Hazardous Material Warning
Cards reserved for highly corrosive materials.

#3. The distributors of Coke have been using it to clean
engines of the trucks for about 20 years! Now the question is, would you like a glass of water?



or Coke?


Send this helpful info on to your friends.

[Ozpat Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close Ozpat]

Luigi says to his son, "I want you to marry a girl of my choice."

The son says, "I will choose my own bride!"

Luigi says, "But the girl is Bill Gates daughter."

Son answers, "In that case, OK."

Next Luigi approaches Bill Gates and says, "I have a husband for your daughter."

Bill answers, "My daughter can choose for herself."

Luigi says, "But this man is vice president of the World Bank."

Bill replies, "In that case, OK."

Finally Luigi meets with the World Bank president.
"I can recommend a young man as vice president."

The president answers, "But I have a vice president lined up."

Luigi says, "This young man is Bill Gates son-in-law"

The president replies, "In that case, OK."

And that my friends, is how Italians do business.

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

Sweet 16


A Police Officer was patrolling late at night off the main highway.

At nearly midnight, he sees a couple in a car, in lovers’ lane, with the interior light brightly glowing.

He carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine.

He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails.

Puzzled by this surprising situation, the trooper walks to the car and gently raps
on the driver's window.

The young man lowers his window. 'Uh, yes, Officer'?

The cop asks: 'What are you doing'?

The young man says: 'Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine'.

Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the trooper says: ' And her, what is she doing'?

The young man shrugs: 'Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails'.

Now, the cop is totally confused.

A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a lover's lane ... and nothing obscene is happening!

The trooper asks: 'What's your age, young man'?

The young man says: 'I'm 19, sir'.

The cop asks: ' And her, ..... what's her age'?

The young man looks at his watch and replies: 'She'll be 16 in 11 minutes..”'

[SWR Banned Find all posts View Profile Close SWR]

"Its impossible." said Pride. "It's risky." said Experience. "Its pointless." said Reason.

What has caused more long term destruction -
the A-bomb,

or

Government welfare programs created to buy the
votes of those who want someone to take care of them?

Japan does not have a welfare system.

Work for it or do without.


And I don’t think there has ever been a better explanation of the importance of incentive than this example

An economics professor at a local college made a statement that he had never failed a single student before, but had recently failed an entire class. That class had insisted that socialism worked and that no one would be poor and no one would be rich, a great equalizer.

The professor then said, "OK, we will have an experiment in this class on socialism".. All grades will be averaged and everyone will receive the same grade so no one will fail and no one will receive an A.... (substituting grades for dollars - something closer to home and more readily understood by all).

After the first test, the grades were averaged and everyone got a B. The students who studied 'hard' were upset and the students who studied 'little' were happy. As the second test rolled around, the students who studied little had studied 'even less' and the ones who studied hard decided they wanted a free ride too so they studied 'little'.

The second test average was a 'D'. No one was happy.
When the 3rd test rolled around, the average was an F.

As the tests proceeded, the scores never increased as bickering, blame and name-calling all resulted in hard feelings and no one would study for the benefit of anyone else.

To their great surprise, ALL FAILED and the professor told them that "socialism" would also ultimately 'fail' because when the reward is great, the effort to succeed is great, but when government takes all the reward away, (Carbon Tax & GST) LMAO!!!.... no one will try or want to succeed.
Could not be any simpler than that.
Remember, there IS a test coming up. " elections sometime soon / perhaps the sooner the better"

These are possibly the 5 best sentences you'll ever read and all applicable to this experiment:

1. You cannot legislate the poor into prosperity by legislating the wealthy out of prosperity.

2. What one person receives without working for, another person must work for without receiving.

3. The government cannot give to anybody anything that the government does not first take from somebody else.

4. You cannot multiply wealth by dividing it!

5. When half of the people get the idea that they do not have to work because the other half is going to take care of them, and when the other half gets the idea that it does no good to work because somebody else is going to get what they work for, that is the beginning of the end of any nation.

[ondaboat Coopers Pale Ale Find all posts View Profile Close ondaboat]

So when are you running for PM Skywalkerrun, you'll get my vote!!

[SWR Banned Find all posts View Profile Close SWR]

If i was PM i would have to go into hiding Lol

[ondaboat Coopers Pale Ale Find all posts View Profile Close ondaboat]

Sal Wallerstein was at the country club for his weekly round of golf.
He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second.
On the third hole he just scored his first ever hole in one when his cell phone rang....
It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in an accident and was in critical condition and in ICU.
The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon as possible.
As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf.
He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital.
He ended up playing all eighteen holes, finishing his round shooting a personal best 61, shattering the club record by 5 strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10.
He was jubilant..............Then he remembered his wife.
Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital.
He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.
The doctor glared at him and shouted, "you went ahead and finished your round of golf didn't you! I hope your proud of yourself!"
"While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU!"
It's just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last!
"For the rest of her life she will require round the clock care and you will be her care giver!
She will need IV's, you will have to change her colostomy bag every 3 hours, she will have to be spoon fed 3 times a day and don't forget about hygiene care."
The man broke down and sobbed.
The doctor chuckled and said,"I'm just f*$#ing with you. She'd dead! So what did you shoot"

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

So you're a sick Senior Citizen and the Government says there is no nursing home available for you -
What do you do?


Senior Health Care Solution Plan


Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older a gun and 4 bullets.
You are allowed to shoot 2 MPs and 2 illegal immigrants!

Of course,this means you will be sent to prison, where
you will get three meals a day, a roof over your head,
central heating, air conditioning and health care.

New teeth? - No problem.

Need glasses? - Great..

New hip, knees, kidney, lungs, heart?

All covered.

Your kids can come and visit you as often as they do now.


And who will be paying for all of this?

The same Government that just told you that it cannot afford to put you into a Nursing Home.

Also, you wouldn't have to pay income tax any more.


IS THIS A GREAT COUNTRY OR WHAT?

No wonder the rest of the World’s population can’t get here fast enough!

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

Always choose a memorable password!

We are all adults, and hope we all have a good sense of humor.
This was just too funny to not share.


A lady helps her man install a new computer.
Once it is completed,
she tells him to select a password,
a word that he'll always remember.
as the computer asks him to enter it,
he looks at his wife and with a macho
gesture and a wink in his eye, he selects
a word but he is annoyed with her reaction,
when he selects: penis.

As he hits "enter", to validate the selection,
his wife collapses with laughter and
rolls on the floor in hysteria .

The computer had replied:
TOO SHORT- ACCESS DENIED!

[Hibbo Member Find all posts View Profile Close Hibbo]

4. You cannot multiply wealth by dividing it!

You can if you divide it by 0.5!

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

Why Sharks Circle You Before Attacking...

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors
of a sunken ship.
"Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the
mass of people.

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing."
And they did.

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our
fins showing." And they did.

"Now we eat everybody." And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just
eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"

His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the shit inside!"


No need to thank me, I just try to learn something new every day.

[MidLifeCrisis Out of control poster! Find all posts View Profile Close MidLifeCrisis]

Finally labor can organise a root in a brothel!