[OT] Jokes page

[KIMBOPRADO Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close KIMBOPRADO]

A British Engineer has just started his own business in Afghanistan. He;s making land mines that look like prayer mats.

Its doing well.

He says prophets are going through the roof

[grandeandy01 Junior Member Find all posts View Profile Close grandeandy01]

Bob and the strip club.

*

Bob works hard at the plant and spends two nights each week bowling and plays golf every Saturday. His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Bob! How ya doin?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Bob. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,
"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"I recognize her; she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says, "Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says, "Geez, Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time!"

[Liftman Lurker Find all posts View Profile Close Liftman]

DARWIN AWARDS
Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards
are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.

Here is the glorious winner:

1. When his 38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended
victim during a hold-up in LONG BEACH , CALIFORNIA WOULD-BE
ROBBER JAMES ELLIOT DID SOMETHING THAT CAN ONLY INSPIRE WONDER.
HE PEERED DOWN THE BARREL AND TRIED THE TRIGGER AGAIN. THIS TIME
IT WORKED.

And now, the honorable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat
cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a
claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence
sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the
machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was
approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his
car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to
find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean
bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to
be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting
to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop
and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then
delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the
staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre
fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from
serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked
how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was
simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving
train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on
the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the
cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in
the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took
the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the
counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15.
[If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime
committed?]

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He
decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor
store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder
block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder
block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head,
knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of
Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a
man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately,
and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of
the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the
snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store.
The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there
for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's
her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked
into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a
gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he
said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order.
When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't
available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home
parked on a Seattle street by sucking on a hose, he got much
more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find
a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled
sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying
to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor
home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined
to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever
had.

In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with
friends and family....unless of course one of these individuals
by chance is a distant relative or long lost friend. In that
case, be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost.

Remember, they walk among us, they can reproduce!!!!!

LIFE ISN'T TIED WITH A BOW .. . . . . . . BUT IT'S STILL A GIFT.

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

> These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers:
>
> FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
> 8 years old,
> Hateful little bastard.
> Bites!
>
> FREE PUPPIES
> 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.
>
> FREE PUPPIES.
> Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
> Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
>
>
> COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
> Also 1 gay bull for sale.
>
>
> JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
> Must sell washer and dryer £100.
>
>
> WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
> Worn once by mistake.
> Call Stephanie.
>
> **** And the WINNER is... ****
>
> FOR SALE BY OWNER.
> Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
> Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got
> married, wife knows everything.
>
>
> Statement of the Century
> Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly.
>
> "If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, How come they can't
> have

> a headache and sex at the same time?"

[cardinal28 Member Find all posts View Profile Close cardinal28]

A very nice, innocent woman wants to get married, but she is only willing to
marry a man if he has never had sex with another woman.

After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a
personal ad. She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire
life in the Australian Outback and he has no experience with women.
She is very happy with him, and she feels that they are perfect for each
other.

So, they end up getting married.
On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the
evening. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing
in the middle of the room, naked. All the furniture from the room is piled
in one corner.

"What happened?" she asks.

"I've never been with a woman" he says, "But if it's anything like a kangaroo, I'm gonna need all the room I can get !!!! "

[Liftman Lurker Find all posts View Profile Close Liftman]

EMBARRASSING MEDICAL EXAMS



At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.

'Big breaths,' . . . I instructed.
'Yes, they used to be,' . . . replied the patient.

Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes ,
Seattle , WA

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient,
I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?'
After a look of complete confusion she answered . . ..
'Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.'

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson,
Corvallis , OR

I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked . . . 'So how's your breakfast this morning?' 'It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste.' . Bob replied.
I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced
A foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'

Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf ,
Detroit ,

A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room
when a young woman with purple hair styled
into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety
of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing,
entered . . . It was quickly determined that
the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was
scheduled for immediate surgery.. When she was completely disrobed on the operating
table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had
been dyed green and above it there was a
tattoo that read . . . 'Keep off the grass.'

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon
wrote a short note on the patient ' s dressing,
which said 'Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn.'

Submitted by RN no name,

AND FINALLY!! ! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ...

As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB.
I was quite embarrassed when performing female
pelvic exams... To cover my embarrassment
I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.

The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me.
I looked up from my work and sheepishly said. . ..
I'm sorry. Was I tickling you? '
She replied with tears running down
her cheeks from laughing so hard . . .

'No doctor but the song you were whistling was . . ...
' I wish I was an Oscar Mayer Wiener .'

Dr. wouldn't submit his name.....
1 MORE
Baby's First Doctor Visit

This made me laugh out loud.
I hope it will give you a smile!

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the
doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed, ' she replied..

' Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.

She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.'

‘I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma,

But I'm glad I came.’

[SWR Banned Find all posts View Profile Close SWR]

Solution?

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the Pharmacy, walked up to the Pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said,

"I'd like to buy some cyanide."
The Pharmacist asked,

"Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The Pharmacist's eyes grew big and he explained, "Lord have mercy!
I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the Pharmacist's wife.
The Pharmacist looked at the picture and said, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

[grandeandy01 Junior Member Find all posts View Profile Close grandeandy01]

> A cow, an ant and an old fart are debating on who is the greatest of the
> three of them.
> The cow said, "I give 20 quarts of milk every day and that's why I am the
> greatest!
> The ant said, "I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52
> times
> my own weight and that's why I am the greatest!"
> Why are you scrolling down? It's your turn to say something.

[SWR Banned Find all posts View Profile Close SWR]

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with five young mothers and their small children.

"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said: "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mum, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. It manifests itself in your children's names, Penny, Goldie and Frank."

He turned to the third Mum, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your children's names: Brandy and Sherry. You even called the cat, "Whisky".

He then turned to the fourth Mum June: "Your obsession is with flowers. Your girls are called Rose, Daisy & Poppy."

At this point, the fifth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered: "Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's pick up Fanny and Willy and go home."

[SWR Banned Find all posts View Profile Close SWR]

Mad Wife Disease

A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.

"What was that for?" he asked.

"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Laura Lou written on it," she replied.

"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explained.

"Oh, honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good explanation."

Three days later he was watching a ballgame on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold.

When he came to, he asked, "What the hell was that for?"

She replied, "Your horse called."

[grandeandy01 Junior Member Find all posts View Profile Close grandeandy01]

Keep this in mind the next time you are about to repeat a rumour or spread gossip.
In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."
'Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.

"That's right," Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about Diogenes let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say.. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "Actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates, "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be bad, even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?"

The man was bewildered and ashamed. This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was shagging his wife !!*

[Liftman Lurker Find all posts View Profile Close Liftman]

An elderly man was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. And was asked where he was going at that time of night.
The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replied, "That would be my wife."

[grandeandy01 Junior Member Find all posts View Profile Close grandeandy01]

My Tax Returns
*
I got my Tax Return ‘Returned.’
*
I was trying to get a jump on doing My Taxes this Year,
however, the ATO sent My Tax Return back !!*
**
I guess it was because of My Response to the line, which
said:* ‘List All Dependents.’
**
So, I replied:
**
1/2 million Illegal Immigrants*
1/4 million Crack Heads*
2* **million Unemployable People living*on Welfare
1 ****million People in over 123 Prisons*
***** and*
353 Fools in Parliament House and the Senate.*
**
Apparently, this was NOT Acceptable..
*
So I sent it back with a Question,
*
*"Did I Forget Someone?"

[grandeandy01 Junior Member Find all posts View Profile Close grandeandy01]

From: Aplex Constructions
To: Fred
Sent: Thursday, July 05, 2012 10:30 AM
Subject: Lamp - David Thorne again!

*

Subject: Lamp

I received your note but you cant go onto other peoples property and take things, that's trespassing. Massanutten is a wooded area and I installed that light for security. It's a safety issue. I can't help it if some of the light goes across the road, close your curtains if it bothers you.


From: David Thorne
Date: Sunday 6 May 2012 7.41pm
To: Justin Flecker
Subject: Re: Lamp

Hello Justin,

Thank you for your email. While I accept that curtains are usually the key to community accord, in this instance they would need to be constructed of eight-inch-thick lead sheeting. Last night, with my curtains closed and bedside light off, I read a book. Wearing sunglasses. Under a blanket.

Though unconvinced that blinding local fauna is the best solution, I do understand the heightened need for security living in a wooded area such as the gated community of Massanutten demands. Having formerly lived my entire life in Australia, I am unfamiliar with much of the local wildlife but I did see my first raccoon last week. I stepped outside to have a cigarette and the raccoon, sitting less than five feet away beside an up-ended bin eating the remains of a Domino's Artisan Tuscan Salami pizza, hissed at me. Surprised, I threw myself backwards, rolled several times toward the door, and sprang to my feet holding the welcome-mat above my head to appear taller. Sometime during the roll-spring-mat maneuver, probably during the roll part as it was over gravel and I was wearing shorts and a thin t-shirt so I had to take it slow, the raccoon left. Which probably isn’t as exciting a story as it should be but this isn't Borneo and I’m not Jack London.

I did see a snake the other day though. I picked up a stick to poke it with which also turned out to be a snake. Jumping back in panic, I threw it away from me, but our dog thought I was playing fetch and I had to run and jump over a creek to get away.

As such, this weekend I intend to set up a canister of poisonous gas in my yard with an industrial fan behind it. I can't help it if some of the gas goes across the road.

Regards, David.

*


From: Justin Flecker
Date: Monday 7 May 2012 2.14pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Lamp

Is that meant to be a threat? Put something up in your window if you don't like the light, we lived here 5 years before you even moved into the neighborhood and got along perfectly with Ryan who lived at your property before you. We went to his BBQ's and I loaned him our mower. We get along with all our neighbors. I dont know what you people do in your own country but in this country we dont go onto other peoples property and touch their stuff.


From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 7 May 2012 3.37pm
To: Justin Flecker
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Lamp

Dear Justin,

In my country, terawatt globes are reserved for police helicopter chases and warning sailors of hazardous shoals. This is despite the fact that practically every living creature there can kill you in under three minutes. Our primary spoken language is screaming.

I'm not surprised you get along well with all the other neighbours. If you put fifty children with Down's syndrome in a room there is going to be a lot of hugging.

And no, it was not a threat. It was an exaggerated response to an uncompromising stance. I was taught never to make a threat unless you are prepared to carry it out and I am not a fan of carrying anything. Even watching other people carrying things makes me uncomfortable. Mainly because of the possibility they may ask me to help.

I did consider installing a floodlight as bright as yours, but this would require some form of carrying things, electrical wiring knowledge, and access to a power supply capable of producing that amount of wattage. Probably fusion. As I am told off by my partner for wasting money when I leave the light on in the bathroom overnight, I can only speculate to what her reaction would be to an electricity bill eight times our annual income for retaliatory garden lighting. She would probably have to get a third job.

It would be much cheaper to stand in my driveway and throw rocks. I can't help it if some of the rocks go across the road. You should probably put something up in your window.

Regards, David.


From: Justin Flecker
Date: Tuesday 8 May 2012 10.01am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Lamp

Did you take our lamp again ass****? What part about not being allowed to go on our property don't you get?


From: David Thorne
Date: Tuesday 8 May 2012 10.32am
To: Justin Flecker
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Lamp

Dear Justin,

No, I did not take the light again. I relocated it again. Its current location may be discovered by deciphering the following set of clues to its whereabouts. Perhaps you could invite your friend Ryan over and treat it as a kind of treasure hunt:

1. It's in the letterbox again.
2. Look in the letterbox.

As I realise this probably won't narrow it down much for you, I will give you a third clue in the form of a riddle:

What burns with the light of a thousand suns and is in the letterbox?

Regards, David.


From: Justin Flecker
Date: Tuesday 8 May 2012 11.15am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Lamp

I put a smaller lamp in so you can shut the **** up now. Don't email me again and if you ever trespass on our property again I will press charges.


From: David Thorne
Date: Tuesday 8 2012 12.02pm
To: Justin Flecker
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Lamp

Dear Justin,

What if I have a barbecue and need to send you an invitation? Is it ok to email you then?

Regards, David.


From: Justin Flecker
Date: Tuesday 8 May 2012 12.18pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Lamp

No it's not ok.


From: David Thorne
Date: Tuesday 8 May 2012 12.27pm
To: Justin Flecker
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Lamp

Dear Justin,

What if I need to borrow your lawn-mower? I can't invite people over for a barbecue and expect them to stand in long grass. Someone might be bitten by a snake. It's a safety issue.

Regards, David.


From: Justin Flecker
Date: Tuesday 8 May 2012 3.26pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Lamp

**** off back to Australia.

*

*

[wooley Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close wooley]

David Thornes entire website is fantastic, He's a South Australian and has caused some hilarious shit in his time.