[OT] Jokes page

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

For all my grammatically correct friends.


On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.

The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3'. When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want."

The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"

"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.

When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men.

His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes,and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because you could end up with a dangling participle .

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

> A man in rural Wisconsin wakes up one morning to find a bear
> on his roof.
>
> So he looks in the yellow pages, and sure enough, there's an
> ad for "Up
> North Bear Removers."
>
> He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over
> in 30 minutes.
>
>
> The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van.
>
>
> He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a 12-guage shotgun, and a
> mean old pit
> bull.
>
> "What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks.
>
> "I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm
> going to go up there,
>
> and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat.
>
>
> "When the bear falls off the roof, the pit bull is trained to
> grab his
> testicles, and not let go.
>
> "The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the
> cage in the
> back of the van."
>
> He then hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
>
> "What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
>
> "If the bear knocks me off the roof, you shoot the dog."

[grandeandy01 Junior Member Find all posts View Profile Close grandeandy01]

A preacher said, "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come*forward to the front by the altar."*With that, an Aboriginal man got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked, "Mulrunji, what do you want me to pray about for you?"*Mulrunji replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my*hearing."*
The preacher put one finger of one hand in Mulrunji's ear, placed his other hand on top of Mulrunji's head, and then* prayed and prayed and prayed.
*
He prayed to the 'Almighty' for Mulrunji, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.
*

*
After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked,*"Mulrunji, how is your hearing now?"
Mulrunji answered, "I don't know. It ain't 'til next week at Dubbo court !!!
*
*

[grandeandy01 Junior Member Find all posts View Profile Close grandeandy01]

Irish Fire Insurance

A man and his wife moved back home to Cork, from London.

The wife had a wooden leg and to insure it in Britain was £2000.00 a year!

When they arrived in Cork , they went to an Insurance agency to see how much it would cost to insure the wooden leg.

The agent looked it up on the computer and said to the couple, '€39.00.'

The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in Ireland to insure, because it cost him £2000.00 in England!

The agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said, 'Well, here it is on the screen, it says:

*Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system over it, is €39.00.*

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

Hollywood Squares:
These great questions and answers are from the days when ' Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now.


Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?

A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!

(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)


Q. Do female frogs croak?

A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.


Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?

A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.


Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years...

A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.


Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?

A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.


Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?

A. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.


Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?

A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.


Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?

A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.


Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?

A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.


Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?

A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.


Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?

A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.


Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?

A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.


Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?

A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.


Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?

A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.


Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?

A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.


Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?

A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.


Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?

A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?


Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?

A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.


Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?

A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.


Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?

A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.


Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?

A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.


Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?

A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?


Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?

A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.


Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?

A. Charley Weaver: His feet.


Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?

A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh


WE DON'T STOP LAUGHING BECAUSE WE GROW OLD,
WE GROW OLD BECAUSE WE STOP LAUGHING

[paulyc Member Find all posts View Profile Close paulyc]

THE TRUCKIE

A truckie who has been out on the road for three weeks stops off at a brothel outside Kalgoorlie ..

He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, I want your ugliest woman and a burnt chop.!!

The Madam is astonished. 'But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a lovely three-course meal.

The truckie replies, 'I'm not horny . . . . ... I'm homesick!

[SWR Banned Find all posts View Profile Close SWR]

This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters.

Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard frubbing scloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot.

At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered. The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers; they had fetty sweet and fetty swannies.

The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go.

Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and digbicks. The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity.

At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve. "Mist all chucking frighty!" said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper.

The very next day, the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in.

Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let off a fig bart.

"Who's fust jarted?" asked the prandsome hince.

"Blame that fugly ucker over there!!" said Mary Hinge.

When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk.

Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on. He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly.

Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived her's with a follen swanny.

[MidLifeCrisis Out of control poster! Find all posts View Profile Close MidLifeCrisis]

Some may know that I amoriginally from Perth. Recently I boarded a flight at Adelaide Airport forPerth and, taking my seat as I
settled in, I noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane.

I realized she was heading straight toward my seat and bingo – she took
the seat right beside me.

"Hello", I blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the
annual nymphomaniac convention in Perth."

I swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman I had ever seen
sitting next to me, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain my composure, I calmly asked, "What's your
business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk somepopular
myths about sexuality."

"Really", I smiled, "what myths are those?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is thatAfrican-American men
are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American
Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

“Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when
actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the
best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she
said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you; I don't even
know your name!"

"Tonto," I said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."

[MidLifeCrisis Out of control poster! Find all posts View Profile Close MidLifeCrisis]

Had a bad experience at the shop today... when the girl at the checkout said ‘strip down facing me’, apparently she was referring to my credit card.

Dammit

mlc

[iantz Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close iantz]

Q1: How many wings does a Rooster have?..........





Q2: How many teeth does a cat have?...............







So you know the answer to the first but not the second question hey?????? Look like you know more about Cock than Pussy...

[Fozzy Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Fozzy]

You can say what you like about paedophiles - at least they drive slowly in school zones.

Said the Jewish paedophile to the pre-schooler "Hey kid, want to buy a lolly?"

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

Baptising the Irishman

An Irish man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptising people in the river.
He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher...
The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, hereupon he asks the drunk 'Are you ready to find Jesus?'
The drunk shouts, 'Yes, oi am.'
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.
He pulls him up and asks the drunk,
Brother have you found Jesus?'
The drunk replies, 'No, oi haven't found Jesus.'
The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer.
He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, 'Have you found Jesus me brother?'
The drunk again answers, 'No, oi I haven't found Jesus.'
By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up.
The preacher again asks the drunk, 'For the love of God have
you found Jesus?'

(Are you ready for this????)

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher,

'Are you sure this is where he fell in?'

[craigm Addicted PP Member Find all posts View Profile Close craigm]

In ancient Israel , it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a wife by the name of Dot.
And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods
when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale,
and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.
To prevent neighbouring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew.
It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures
Hebrew To The People (HTTP).
And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung.
They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed
that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land.
And indeed did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."
And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it came to be known.
He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO," said Abraham.
And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was,
soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside. It soon became known as
God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).

That is how it all began.


And that's the truth.

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

Things to know

> In the 1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb.
> Hence we have 'the rule of thumb'
>
> ------------
>
>
> Many years ago in Scotland , a new game was invented.
> It was ruled 'Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden'.. ..
> and thus, the word GOLF entered into the English language.
>
> ------------
>
> The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV was Fred and Wilma Flintstone
>
> ------------
>
>
> Coca-Cola was originally green.
>
> ------------
>
>
> It is impossible to lick your elbow.
>
> ------------
>
>
> The cost of raising a medium-size dog
> to the age of eleven:
> £ 10,120.00
>
> ------------
>
> The first novel ever
> written on a typewriter, Tom Sawyer.
>
> ------------
>
> Each king in a deck of playing cards represents
> a great king from history:
>
> Spades - King David
>
> Hearts - Charlemagne
>
> Clubs -Alexander, the Great
>
> Diamonds - Julius Caesar
>
> ------------
>
> 111,111,111 x
> 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987, 654,321
>
> ------------
>
> If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle.
> If the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died because of wounds received in battle.
> If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died
> of natural causes
>
> ------------
>
>
> Q... If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter 'A'?
>
> A. One thousand
>
> ------------
>
> Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser printers have in common?
>
> A. All were invented by women.
>
> ------------
>
> Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
>
> A. Honey
>
> ------------
>
> In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes.
> When you pulled on the ropes, the mattress tightened,
> making the bed firmer to sleep on.
> Hence the phrase...'Goodnight , sleep tight'
>
> ------------
>
> It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.
>
> ------------
>
>
> In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts....
> So in old England , when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them 'Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down. It's where we get the phrase: 'mind your P's and Q's'
>
> ------------
>
> Many years ago in England , pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. 'Wet your whistle'
> is the phrase inspired by this practice.
>
>
> ------------
>
> At least 75% of people who read this will try to
> lick their elbow!
>
>
> ------------
>
> Don't delete this just because it looks weird. Believe it or not,
> you can read it.
>
>
> I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the
> first and last ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a
> taotl mses and you can still raed it wouthit a porbelm. This
> is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by
>
> istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?
>
>
> ------------
>
>
> YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2012when...
>
>
> 1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.
>
>
> 2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
>
>
> 3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family
> of three.
>
> 4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
>
> 5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
>
> 6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your mobile phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries...
>
> 7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom
> of the screen
>
> 8. Leaving the house without your mobile phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it
>
> 10.. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting
> your coffee
>
> 11.. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
>
> 12 You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
>
> 13.. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
>
> 14.. You are too busy to notice there was no 9 on this list.
>
> 15.. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't
> a 9 on this list
>
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~ ~~~~~~~
>
>
> NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.
>
> Go on, forward this to your friends.
> You know you want to! And stop trying to lick your elbow!

[SGS Member Find all posts View Profile Close SGS]

A man got on the bus with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."

The blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply about what he had said. After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked. . .

"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"