[OT] Jokes page

[wastegate Member Find all posts View Profile Close wastegate]

One day a father on his way home from work suddenly remembers that its his daughters birthday. He pulls over to a toy shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?
The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir?We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95 Shopping Barbie for $19.95 Beach Barbie for $19.95 Disco Barbie for $19.95 Ballerina Barbie for $19.95 Astronaut Barbie for $19.95 Skater Barbie for $19.95 Divorced Barbie for $265.95

The amazed father asks: 'It's what?!Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?
The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: "Sir...,Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's balls.

[wastegate Member Find all posts View Profile Close wastegate]

I asked my kiwi mate how many sexual partners he's had.

He started counting and then fell asleep...

[JoshF Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close JoshF]

Can't wait for a Prime Minister like this for Australia !

This is well said, at last a prime minister with guts. The rest of the world could take a lesson from him.

Hats off to Monsieur Fillon!!!

Now I understand why this was funny. It talks to the God of the Christians in which we all believe and was the founding and guiding set of rules on which society was based on. The only problem with that I feel is that the old testement is based on a pre-chrsitian world, the world of the Israelites and hebrew people or in other world God's chosen race the Jews.

So if you use the obvious logic all Christian societies are based on a borrowed god, the jewish god and therefore based on the guiding set of rules adopted by the Chrisitians are in fact somebody elses rules.

Did you know the god of the Muslims and the Christians is the same god, both borrowed from a much older religion

Now that is funny

[Ozpat Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close Ozpat]

Thank God I'm an atheist.

[Ozpat Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close Ozpat]

A man in Sydney walked into the produce section of his local supermarket, and asked to buy half a head of lettuce.
The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce.
The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, 'some old bastard wants to buy half a head of lettuce.'
As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he quickly added, 'and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half.'
The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.
Later the manager said to the boy, 'I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from son?'
'New Zealand, sir,' the boy replied.
'Well, why did you leave New Zealand?' the manager asked.
The boy said, 'Sir, there's nothing but whores and rugby players there.'
'Is that right?' replied the manager. 'My wife is from New Zealand!'
'Really??' replied the boy. 'Who does she play for?'




Paddy was a contestant on Who Wants to be Millionaire:

Eddie Maguire: 'OK Paddy. You have three life lines and you want to use one of them at this stage. Which would you like to use?'

Paddy: 'I'll phone a friend please Eddie'

Eddie Maguire: 'Who do you want to call Paddy?'

Paddy:'I would like to call my friend Mick please'

Brrrrrr. Brrrrrrrrr.

Mick: 'Hello?'

Eddie Maguire: 'Mick, It's Eddie Maguire from ‘Who Wants to be Millionaire’. I've got Paddy here & he needs your help to get him to $2,000, The next voice you hear will be Paddy'

Paddy: 'Mick, Should I go with the 50 / 50 or should I ask the audience?'





Paddy went to the doctor and complained that every time he drank a cup of tea he got a sharp pain in his eye.

'Have you tried taking the spoon out of the cup?' asked the doctor.






Santa, for 2013 all I ask for is a big fat bank account and a slim body.
Please don’t mix them up like you did last year.

[MNK Junior Member Find all posts View Profile Close MNK]

Did you now there are four rings in the commitment of marrige and they are
1. engagement ring
2. wedding ring
3. eternity ring
4. and suffering

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

"The Gunslinger"

An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio, Texas leading a tired old mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat.

He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.

As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, can you dance?"

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No son, I don't dance... never really wanted to."

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now!" and started shooting at the old man's feet.

The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet.

Everybody standing around was laughing.

When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled 12 gauge shotgun and cocked both hammers.

The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing immediately.

The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly.

The silence was deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin 12 gauge barrels.

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said;

"Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir... but...but I've always wanted to."



There are a few lessons for all of us here:

*Don't be arrogant.
*Don't waste ammunition.
*Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
*Always make sure you know who is in control.
*And finally, don't screw around with old folks; they didn't
get old by being stupid.

[starbuck76 Member Find all posts View Profile Close starbuck76]

100 Great one-liners

1 I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.



2 Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.



3 I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.



4 The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.



5 Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.



6 Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.



7 We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.



8 Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.



9 We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.



10 Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.



11 Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.



12 War does not determine who is right – only who is left.



13 If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.



14 The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.



15 Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.



16 Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.



17 If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong…



18 Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.



19 Evening news is where they begin with "Good evening", and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.



20 A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.....



21 My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.



22 I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian



23 If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.



24 I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.



25 If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.



26 Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.



27 If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea….. does that mean that one enjoys it?



28 Some people are like Slinkies ….. not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.



29 How is it one careless match can start a bush fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?



30 Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?



31 A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.



32 Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.



33 Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.



34 To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.



35 A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.



36 I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with Guess on it…..so I said "Implants?"



37 Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?



38 A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.



39 The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!



40 Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.



41 Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.



42 Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.



43 The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.



44 Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:______ I put 'DOCTOR'. What's my mother going to do?



45 He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.



46 The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.



47 I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.



48 Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.



49 God must love stupid people. He made SO many.



50 Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.



51 The sole purpose of a child's middle name, is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.



52 Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.



53 Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.



54 Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.



55 My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.



56 Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.



57 Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.



58 It's not the fall that kills you; it's the sudden stop at the end.



59 Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.



60 Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.



61 You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.



62 Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.



63 I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.



64 A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist.



65 My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.



66 I intend to live forever. So far, so good.



67 Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.



68 A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.



69 We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.



70 You're never too old to learn something stupid.



71 I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I'm a Libra and she's a bitch.



72 A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied,"I don't know son, I'm still paying."



73 With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.



74 Women may not hit harder, but they hit lower.



75 Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.



76 There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.



77 I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.



78 Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.



79 Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?



80 I always take life with a grain of salt, …plus a slice of lemon, …and a shot of tequila.



81 If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you!



82 I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.



83 When in doubt, mumble.



84 I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.



85 To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.



86 Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole.



87 A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.



88 A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.



89 Just remember…if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.



90 I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said,"m going to mop the floor with your face" I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."



91 Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever.



92 You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket… I'd miss you heaps and think of you often.



93 When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.



94 Hallmark Card: "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're still here."


95 Virginity is like a soapbubble, one prick and it is gone.



96 Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.



97 If winning isn't everything why do they keep score?



98 If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants.



99 If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child.



100 Whoever coined the phrase 'Quiet as a mouse' has never stepped on one.

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

New from the Dearborn talking doll collection in America,



The latest toy has hit the shops... A talking Muslim doll.

Nobody knows what it says,
Because no one has the guts to pull the cord.

[Ozpat Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close Ozpat]

1. When I go in I might cause pain. I cause you to spit and ask you not to swallow. I can fill your hole. What am I?

2. A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first. What am I?

3. I'm spread before I'm eaten. Your tongue gets me off. People sometimes like to lick my nuts. What am I?

4. I go in hard. I come out soft. You blow me hard . What am I?

5. All day long it's in and out. I discharge loads from my shaft. Both men and women go down on me. What am I?

6. I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When You blow me you feel good. What am I?

7. If I miss, I hit your bush. It's my job to stuff your box. When I come, it's news. What am I?

8. I offer protection. I get the finger ten times. You use your fingers to get me off. What am I?

9. I assist an erection. Sometimes big balls hang from me. I'm called a big swinger. What am I?

10. I'm at least 6 inches long. I leave foamy lubrication when engaged in my job. What am I?




Answers:


1. a dentist
2. a wedding ring
3. peanut butter
4.chewing gum
5. an elevator
6. a nose
7. a newspaper boy
8. a glove
9. a crane
10. a toothbrush, of course!


So what were you thinking?

[derek11 Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close derek11]

not a joke but funny as anyway, went to Bunnings this morning and saw a 2" lifted 150 Prado all by itself in the carpark away from other vehicles, so i parked next to the prado to compare the difference between mine and his, as i was checking it out Helga says you will make him jealous, later when we walked out the store he was packing things in his Prado and he saw us going to our Prado and Helga says he is looking at you jealous like. Just then a GU Patrol idled its way next to our rigs with 37" swampys and 6" lift, a monster truck, regardless what girls say SIZE does matter when you got a 4WD, the bloke with the 2" lift shot off, i gingerly took off to leave the monster rig sitting by itself in the carpark. It was funny as when Helga saw it play out and told me.

[glen_ep Addicted PP Member Find all posts View Profile Close glen_ep]

haha, Derek, I do the same thing at Bunnings

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN




To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
-----------------------
1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
------------------------
2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'
-------------------
3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
-----------------
4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
----------------------
5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
----------------------
6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
--------------------
7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
-------------------
8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
-------------------
9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
---------------------
10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
---------------------
11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
---------------------
12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
--------------------
13.. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
-----------------
14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
---------------
15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!

PS: Only share this with friends who have a good sense of humour (NOT humor)!

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

CATHOLIC HORSES
A punter was at the horse races playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt.
He noticed a Priest step out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.

Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race.
Next race, as the horses lined up, the Priest stepped onto the track. Sure enough, he blessed one of the horses.

The punter made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse won the race.

He collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the Priest would bless next.

He bet big on it, and it won. As the races continued the Priest kept blessing long shots, and each one ended up winning.

The punter was elated. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited for the Priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.

True to his pattern, the Priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day.

This time the priest blessed the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag. The punter knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag.

He watched dumbfounded as the old nag came in last. In a state of shock, he went to the track area where the Priest was.

Confronting Him, he demanded, 'Father! What happened? All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a Kentucky mile. Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings!'.
The Priest nodded wisely and with sympathy.
'Son,' he said, 'that's the problem with you Protestants, you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and last rites

[JGill Member Find all posts View Profile Close JGill]

At school one day, the teacher was trying to approach the topic of sex education and asked her students if they'd ever seen anything that was related to sex education on TV.
Mary raised her hand and said she had seen a movie about women having babies. “Great,” said the teacher, “that's very important. ”
Then Judy raised her hand and told the teacher she had seen a TV show about people getting married. “Well, that has to do with it too,” said the teacher.
Then Johnny raised his hand and said he had seen a western where some Indians came riding over the hill and John Wayne shot them all. The teacher said, “Well, Johnny, that really doesn't have anything to do with sex education.”
“Yes it does,” said Johnny, ” it taught those Indians not to #### with John Wayne.”