[OT] Jokes page

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.


David Bissonette





After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together..


Sacha Guitry






By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.?
Socrates



The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?"
Dumas





I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Sigmund Freud





'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.'


Anonymous






'There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking.?? It's called marriage.'
Sam Kinison






'I've had bad luck with both my wives.?
The first one left me, and the second one didn't.'


James Holt McGavra






Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming?
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,?
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.


Patrick Murra






The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once....
Nash




You know what I did before I married??
Anything I wanted to.
Anonymous






My wife and I were happy for twenty years.?
Then we met.


Henny Youngman






A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Rodney Dangerfield






A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters.?
They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'

Anonymous





First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!'?
Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'
Anonymous

SEND THIS TO ALL THE GUYS TO GIVE THEM A GOOD LAUGH......AND TO THOSE LADIES WITH A SENSE OF HUMOR WHO CAN HANDLE IT!

[SGS Member Find all posts View Profile Close SGS]

NAG – NAG – NAG!!!An attorney arrived home late after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for his client.His last minute plea to the governor for clemency had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed. As soon as he walked through the do or at home, his wife started on him: “What time of night to be getting home is this?Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it” . . . . . and on and on and on. Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub - - - pursued by his wife and her predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.While he was in the bath, the phone rang.The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight. Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, and how terribly inconsiderate she had been, she decided to go up stairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet. “They're not hanging Wright tonight!” she said. He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

Husband Down
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Coles.
The husband picks up a case of Tooheys New and puts it in their trolley.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $30 for 24 cans' he replies.

'Put them back, we can't afford them' demands the wife.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $60 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

˜ What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'It's my face cream. It makes me look good', replies the wife.
Her husband retorts:
'So does 24 cans of Tooheys, and it's half the price.'

HUSBAND DOWN!, HUSBAND DOWN!, AISLE 7...

[SGS Member Find all posts View Profile Close SGS]

NAG – NAG – NAG!!!An attorney arrived home late after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for his client.His last minute plea to the governor for clemency had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed. As soon as he walked through the do or at home, his wife started on him: “What time of night to be getting home is this?Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it” . . . . . and on and on and on. Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub - - - pursued by his wife and her predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.While he was in the bath, the phone rang.The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight. Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, and how terribly inconsiderate she had been, she decided to go up stairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet. “They're not hanging Wright tonight!” she said. He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'

[SGS Member Find all posts View Profile Close SGS]

While she was "flying" down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know, and asked, "What's your hurry?"

To which she replied, "I'm late for work."

"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.

The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide."

"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole ? " he asked.

"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge."

Traffic Ticket - $95.00
Court Costs - $45.00

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Another STUPIDITY OF STUPID GOVERNMENT

Stats to consider!!!
A SUMMARY OF SERIOUS STUPIDITY - Update November 2012 - makes a point
(1) Admission that political advisers to the government have botched decisions resulting in a cost something in the order of $20 billion.

(2) Boat refugees that have chosen to skip Nauru and go home again given $3000 each by the government as “compensation”.

(3) The pursuit of a temporary seat for Oz on the UN Security Council has, to date, cost a reported $40 million.

(4) 1000 new cotton/rice farms have been permitted to open in the Eastern States during the last 12 months.

(5) A revenue shortfall tipped this year of $25 billion whilst the country’s borrowings exceeds $240 billion and continues to rise.

(6) Gillard announces a $6.5 billion School Education Funding plan but is unable to say how it will be funded

(7) Dental care plan for children announced by Plibersek at a cost of $2 billion but she can’t say how it will be funded either.

( The price of “spin doctors” presently employed by the Federal Labor Government now costing $150 million a year

(9) Each public service employee was given a bonus of $1000 to “head off industrial unrest” at a total cost of $33 million.

(10) $320 million was promised by Gillard at the Pacific Forum Conference to help increase the number of female politicians in the Pacific.

(11) The Treasurer suggested planning to further tax the nation’s $1.4 trillion superannuation funds in an attempt to balance his 2013 budget.

(12) Australian Funding for Indonesia – 2012/13 - $578.4 million.

(13) National Broadband Network way behind schedule and blown out by another $1 billion - total cost of the project - $43 billion. Expert opinion is that this cable system will be outdated long before it is finished being replaced by wireless broadband.

(14) Failed Pink Batts Insulation Scheme – Cost $3.45 billion plus $424 million extra to repair the mess left by Minister Garret’s inefficiency.

(15) An audit has revealed that the $540 million government scheme to boost literacy and numeracy in schools has totally failed.

(16) An enquiry has revealed that the $16.2 billion “Building the Education Revolution” (BER) programme (administeredpersonally by Gillard) has totally failed.A number of schools destined for closure & demolition in the near future had new buildings erected during the scheme.

(17) A headline from Adelaide ’s “The Advertiser” in 2009 … “OUR FUTURE MARKED BY RISING RIVERS OF RED INK”

(1 The cost of recording the first round of Carbon Tax commercials was $350,000 followed by $340,000 for the second round. That’s $690,000 before buying any airtime. Estimates also heard that the Government is planning another round of advertising to sell the Carbon Tax Labor promised not to introduce. And in anticipation of that, the creative advertising agency involved has had its contract increased by 50% to $3 million.

(19) A planned National Disability Insurance Scheme … $10 billion – promised but unfunded.

(20) Planned Child Care Subsidies …. $1.4 billion – promised but unfunded.

(21) The Immigration Department revealed that about $2 million has been spent flying 260 asylum seekers from Christmas Island to Nauru – averaging more than $7,600 per asylum seeker

(22) Nineteen lawyers worked on the Government’s defence of the Slipper/Ashby case at a cost of $780,000 to date.

(23) A portrait of Peter Slipper in his “Speaker’s Robes” destined to hang in the halls of Parliament has been commissioned at a cost of $30,000.

(24) Bureaucratic Excesses: The Department of Agriculture, Fisheries & Forestry spent $21,000 on a single dinner. The Department of Industry spent $75,000 on just five coffee machines.

(25) Fair Work Australia has so far spent more than $1.8 million on external legal and accounting advice for its investigation into the rorting of Health Services Union funds.

(26)$79,700 was spent building three fake kitchens for the Government’s Carbon Tax advertising campaigns. Using real kitchens would have cost $5,000 a day.

(27)More than 10,000 asylum seekers arrived by boat so far this year – five times as many as Wayne Swan estimated when framing his Budget. The budget estimate of $1.1 billion was based on an average of 450 arrivals per month but actual arrivals are running at 5 times more on an average of 2,400 per month.

(2 While departmental officials refused to be drawn on the cost of the Budget blow-out we do know that in 2011/12 every boat that arrived cost taxpayers $12.8 million, or more than $172,700 for every person on board.

(29) The present Social Security and Welfare Budget for 12 months is, in round figures, $131 Billion. Assuming that there are 3 million Australians eligible for this that equates to $43,885 per person per annum. The current age pension is $15,132 per person per annum so the question remains – where does the other $28,753 go? Surely not administration?

Meanwhile Gillard has vehemently stated her opposition to pension increases for non-Labor voting pensioners. (”Sieg Heil Comrade mate?”)

(30) Gillard announced a whitepaper – “The Asian Century” - where Asian languages will be taught in all Australian schools for us to “better communicate with our Asian neighbours”. The cost will be $6 billion which is, again, unfunded whilst an implementation strategy has yet to be formed. Fact: As there are many Asian languages and dialects most Asian business transactions are presently conducted in English.

(31) Gillard announces her “Plan to Save the Murray ”. Quote: “We can deliver the extra water by investing $1.8 billion in infrastructure, water efficiency and fixing constraints like raising low bridges so more water can flow.” Unquote.

Raising bridges so more water can flow ???? Can somebody tell the fool that bridges, no matter how high or low, do not normally restrict water flow?)

(32) Water Fact 1: Gillard has “found” 450 billion litres of water at a cost of $1.8 billion to “Save the Murray ”.

Water Fact 2: Cubby Station is licensed to take 460 megalitres a year from the river. 460 megalitres = 460 billion litres so, by closing Cubby Station the problem is solved & $1.8 billion is saved. Where do we send our account?

(33) Further Fabulous Failures: (a) Grocery Watch

(b) Fuel Watch.

(c) $1 billion Cash for Clunkers failure.

(d) 450 GP Super Clinics promised …. Only 3 delivered.

(e) $2.1 billion promise of a “Laptop for every child”.

(f) $275 million “Green Loans” debacle.

(g) $534 million Solar Panel Rebate suddenly withdrawn.

(h) Promise to build 222 Child Care centres – abandoned.

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(34) $38.5 million spent for a pro-mining tax advertising campaign.

(35) The gross Australian Federal Debt as at August 31^st 2012 was A$244,325,881,000. ($244.3 billion) and continues to grow at $100 million a day. (That’s two hundred & forty four billion, three hundred & twenty five million, eight hundred & eighty one thousand dollars!)

(36) A random quote from “The Punch”. Headline quote: “Gillard & Swan are Failures, Not Leaders.” Quote from the text: “Mr.Swan has undermined Australia ’s international standings and jeopardised our economy. He should have been sent to the back bench, not made Treasurer & Deputy Prime Minister.” unquote.

(37) And we won’t even mention the 3 or 4 year “protection” given to Craig Thomson by Gillard …..Thomson being the Health Services Union man who, by his statement, “had his credit card stolen” by “someone unknown” to “pay for prostitutes” and then “put back in his wallet again” …… several times in fact!!

AND FINALLY, AN OBSERVATION! Her behaviour demonstrates that she knows that she is going to get tossed out at the next election so is making as many “promises” as possible to throw back at Abbott from the opposition benches. You can hear the dorsal nosed whine now, “If you hadn’t dismissed us from government you would have had a Child Care subsidy scheme now (or a Dental Plan or a School Education Funding plan etc.etc.etc. whine,whine,snivel,snivel” …..

That’s if the unions don’t do a “Rudd” on her too!

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Is our prime minister a crook?:

Every Australian and every voter needs to be aware of this before the next election.

IS OUR PRIME MINISTER A CROOK?:

Peeling back the putrid layers..

Julia Gillard employs no fewer than 1,600 media advisers. (Spin doctors). The cost? $150,000,000 pa. There are more, but Ministers like Albanese won’t disclose details.

It appears much more of our taxes needs to be spent on spin doctors if our chief spinster Gillard’s involvement in massive union corruption is to remain undetected.

I would like to take you on a little trip to the WA Goldfields... to Kalgoorlie’s twin city, Boulder.

WA newspaper archives show Bruce Wilson travelled to Boulder/Kalgoorlie in 1992 to attempt to allay union members' concerns about his (Wilson’s) decision to transfer the management of large sums of union members’ money to a new AWU account in Northbridge, Perth.

The money resided at the time in a separate account called, “The Goldfields Fatal Accident and Death Fund”. This money, donated from union members themselves, was to financially assist bereaved families of deceased union members.

Wilson wanted management the account shifted to the AWU’s head office in Perth. Wilson was the then WA boss of the AWU. He and Ralph Blewitt were to be sole signatories on the account and union members were justifiably apprehensive.

They were wary of Wilson’s alleged fraudulent activities and demanded a meeting. It was set down for 8pm in the Boulder Town Hall.

Wilson knew he would never convince members of the legitimacy of the proposed move himself. So he introduced to the stage a person of high legal authority to assure union members there was no need for concern.

The person he introduced was Julia Gillard. Members were unaware Gillard was his lover. She was presented as an important Industrial Lawyer from Victoria and an official representative of the Labor stalwart law firm, Slater & Gordon.

Gillard addressed union members at length explaining why the money should be moved and that there was nothing to worry about. She insisted the members were in the good hands of Slater & Gordon and their best interests would at all times be protected.

Gillard must have done an excellent job because the account containing approximately $1 million was shifted to a private Northbridge, Perth account. The address for all correspondence was nominated as Northbridge Post Office, Box 253.

Three years later, police were asked by incoming AWU State Secretary, Tim Daly, to investigate one amount of $145,000 withdrawn from “The Goldfields Fatal Accident and Death Fund” to buy two holiday units in Kalbarri.

[I should say at this point that Ralph Blewitt never questioned what Wilson wanted. He simply signed whatever he was asked to. He was to sign fraudulent documents Gillard had drawn up for Wilson in the name of Workplace Reform Association Inc. Blewitt was also totally unaware of a mortgage, arranged in his name by Slater & Gordon, over another house Wilson bought from stolen AWU funds in Kerr Street, Fitzroy. Wilson, according to police files, used a stamp of Blewitt’s signature whenever he needed it.]

Despite the WA Major Fraud Squad’s Detective David McAlpine’s keenness to lay charges, it didn’t happen. The Kalbarri holiday units, were subsequently sold. Again the laundered money vanished. It was only the tip of a very large iceberg.

Wilson was also negotiating a “Workplace Reform Agreement” with Thiess at their Dawesville (Mandurah) site. He had invoiced Thiess himself for 220 hours worked per month, every month, at a rate of $36.00 per hour. But did not on any occasion even visit the site.

Thiess raised cheques on each of Wilson’s invoices. Each cheque was deposited in, and promptly withdrawn from, the sham Northbridge account. This is commonly known as a “secret commission”. It is highly illegal.

Thiess didn’t seem to care that Wilson was never seen.

Although the WA Police wanted Blewitt and Wilson charged they could not convince Thiess to co-operate.

From FOI material we have recently received from the WA Major Fraud Squad, it is clear that Thiess WA was reluctant to press charges of any kind. Thiess insisted they believed they were paying a branch of the AWU. Their reluctance to press charges may have been due to not wanting to rock the AWU boat, acquiescence in the deal or the interesting relationship between Wilson and Thiess’ CEO, Joe Trio; Trio is Wilson’s brother-in-law.

Another seven cheques totalling $112,000 found their way into the Northbridge, Perth account curiously from Melbourne Water, a Statutory Vic. Government Authority.

Now, you might ask, why the hell would a Victorian Government QUANGO be paying a Perth-based union for any damn thing?

The connection is this: Gillard was, and still is, a very close friend of a Robyn McLeod. McLeod was Gillard’s house-mate and she bought half of Gillard’s Abbottsford property.

Remember, Wilson was joint boss of WA and Vic AWU for this period and was drawing two wages And guess who Wilson engaged to negotiate the Melbourne Water contract?

Yep, the $300,000 pa, SA Rann Govt Water Commissioner, Robyn McLeod. The plot thickens by the minute and we nut-jobs are supposed to stop asking questions?

The question that must be asked, and will soon be answered, is how could Gillard have been Wilson’s lover for over four years and not know what was going on? He carried a wad of notes that would choke a horse and was purchasing multiple properties for cash with extorted funds.

Gillard admits she was involved and indeed complicit in the fraud, but now claims she didn’t know what Wilson’s intentions were. Mmmm, didn’t know? Really? Convincing workers in Boulder to part with their hard-earned funeral savings to buy holiday units and she didn’t know? Where did she think the mouth of this river of money’s source was?

To say she didn’t know beggars belief. Either she is a simpleton (which she is not) or she is treating us as simpletons. The latest photo depicts her as definitely not blonde and she was an industrial lawyer and partner in the most notorious law firm in the land. She didn’t know what she, or he, was doing?

When Gillard acrimoniously broke-up with Wilson, she was more familiar with his scams than poor Blewitt. So, why didn’t she go to the police? After all, they were champing on the bit waiting to charge him. All they needed was some corroborative evidence. Could it be that she and others would be found guilty of aiding and abetting?

So, why are police never successful in prosecuting union fraud cases? Simply because union bosses and developers refuse to cooperate. They will neither supply nor give evidence to enable a successful prosecution for fear of retribution or incrimination.

The glacial HSU East branch investigation by the union-dominated FWA is testimony to the futility of expecting delinquent crooks to investigate delinquent crooks.

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FWA Commissioner Ian Cambridge, when an AWU Boss, called for a Royal Commission into his union! He has since been silenced by Gillard appointing him as a judge to the Federal Court. Now he can’t discuss the matter.

We ‘nut-job, sexist misogynists’ are really not supposed to ask these questions? Not one has been answered.

As I have said repeatedly, Abbott refuses to be involved. I can’t blame him. But the only Honourable Member left in the Labor Party, Former Attorney General Rob McClelland, will not rest until these matters are resolved. Gillard sacked him.

Criminal elements, like small fish Craig Thomson, (who had Gillard’s “full confidence” until the bitter end) are deeply embedded in the ALP. They are protected by the ALP and their court costs are covered by the ALP via the unions. HSU’s Williamson has ripped $20 million from lowly paid workers.

The money these mobsters embezzle from innocent workers is tax exempt. It’s like taking prize candy from a kid and there are no penalties when caught.

It is the Labor system, it is the culture and it has become enmeshed in the sophisticated involvement of Left wing Law Firms like Slater & Gordon and Maurice Blackburn who have made an art form of ripping off needy claimants.

Abbott refrains from demanding an immediate Royal Commission because Gillard and her Union mobsters must never be allowed to set narrow terms of reference. My information is that Abbott will move on the unions as soon as he gains Office. His will be a Royal Commission with the widest possible terms of reference.

The main protector from union prosecution is Bill Shorten, another product of a Left wing law firm. He has successfully shut down the HSU investigation by sequestrating the union and is currently busy trying to bury the AWU/Gillard/Wilson investigation.

Isolated cases eh? Try keeping a lid on this one, Billy boy... we have much more on you.

[ithommo Junior Member Find all posts View Profile Close ithommo]

Someone complained to me today about the high price of fuel.
Doesn't worry me, I said.
Everytime I go to the bowser, I only buy $20.00 worth!

[JoshF Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close JoshF]

Every Australian and every voter needs to be aware of this before the next election.

IS OUR PRIME MINISTER A CROOK?:

Doesn't this belong in the Great Dummy Spit thread?

[SWR Banned Find all posts View Profile Close SWR]

"Maybe" it is a dummy spit but i would say more of a "joke"!

Who is taking the "P" out of who?

The joke being on the tax payer!... That being you and me unless your on the dole! Lol

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

> A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him
> is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket and
> jeans.
> Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, "Who are you, so that I may know
> whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"
> The guy replies, "I'm Jack, retired airline pilot from Houston."
> Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, "Take
> this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom."
> The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.
> Next, it's the priest's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am
> Father Bob, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last 43 years."
> Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest, "Take this
> cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom."
> "Just a minute," says the good father. "That man was a pilot and he
> gets a silken robe and golden staff and I get only cotton and wood.
> How can this be?"
> "Up here - we go by results," says Saint Peter.
> "When you preached - people slept. When he flew, people prayed."

[AJ120 Out of control poster! Find all posts View Profile Close AJ120]

Advice for women

When a man says he will fix something then he will do it. There is absolutely no need to remind him every six months

Cheers Andrew

[ntp Addicted PP Member Find all posts View Profile Close ntp]

Advice for women

When a man says he will fix something then he will do it. There is absolutely no need to remind him every six months

Or to continually remind you about the time that you did do something & it didn't quite go to plan.