[OT] Jokes page

[1coolbanana Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close 1coolbanana]

Statistically....six out of seven dwarfs are not happy!

[GTX Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close GTX]

A gynaecologist had become so fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork and was burned out.

Hoping to try another career where skilful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become an auto mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynaecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?"

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark. This equalled an A". After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career."

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

My wife hosted a dinner party for family far and wide and everyone was encouraged to bring all their children as well.

All during dinner my four-year-old niece stared at me sitting across from her.

The girl could hardly eat her food for staring.

I checked my shirt for spots, felt my face for food, patted my hair in place but nothing stopped her from staring at me.

I tried my best to just ignore her but finally it was too much for me.

I finally asked her "Why are you staring at me?"

Everyone at the table had noticed her behaviour and the table went quiet for her response.

My little niece said "I'm just waiting to see how you drink like a fish."

[GTX Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close GTX]

THE 'SPOILED' UNDER-30 CROWD!!!

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking Twenty-five miles to school every morning....

Uphill... barefoot...

BOTH ways

Yadda, yadda, yadda



And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!

But now that... I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today.

You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia!

And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don't know how good you've got it!

I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalogue!!

There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter - with a pen!

Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take, like, a week to get there! Stamps were 10 cents!

Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our ass! Nowhere was safe!

There were no MP3' s or Napsters! If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself!

Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up! There were no CD players! We had tape decks in our car.. We'd play our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished and the tape would come undone. Cause - that's how we rolled, dig?

We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it!

And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either!
When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mom, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids'. Your guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen... forever!
And you could never win... The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!


You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel! NO REMOTES!!!

There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-bastards!

And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up we had to use the stove! Imagine that!

That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled. You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980 or before!

Regards,
The Over 30 Crowd

So its not quite a joke, but I miss space invaders!!

[GTX Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close GTX]

A man is shopping in a supermarket, when a very attractive woman waves at
him and says ''hello! How are you?''

He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from.

So he says, "Do you know me?"

To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."



Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to
his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that
I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your
friend whipped my butt with wet celery???"

She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's maths teacher."

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

The following are results from an OZ-words Competition where entrants were asked to take an Australian word, alter it by one letter only, and supply a witty definition.

Clearly, you need to be an Aussie to understand.

Billabonk: to make passionate love beside a waterhole

Bludgie: a partner who doesn't work, but is kept as a pet

Dodgeridoo: a fake indigenous artefact

Fair drinkum: good-quality Aussie wine

Flatypus: a cat that has been run over by a vehicle

Mateshit: all your flat mate's belongings, lying strewn around the floor

Shagman: an unemployed male, roaming the Australian bush in search of sexual activity

Yabble: the unintelligible language of Australian freshwater crustaceans

Bushwanker: a pretentious drongo, who reckons he's above average when it comes to handling himself in the scrub

Crackie-daks: 'hipster' tracksuit pants.

And for the Kiwi's amongst us:
Shornbag: a particularly attractive naked sheep

[MidLifeCrisis Out of control poster! Find all posts View Profile Close MidLifeCrisis]

A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift.
The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The KEY," where a small key is placed on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift.

Of course, the woman wanted "The Key."

Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the key, and the effects were wonderful -- the woman remained young looking and vibrant. After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.

"All these years, everything has been working just fine.
I've had to turn the key and I've always loved the results.
But now I've developed two annoying problems:

First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the key won't get rid of them."

The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your tits."

She said, "No point asking about the beard then..........."

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

A recent article in the Kentucky Post reported that a woman,one Anne Maynard, has sued St Lukes hospital, saying that after her husband was treated there recently, he had lost all interest in sex.
A hospital spokesman replied, "Mr Maynard was actually admitted in Ophthalmology - all we did was correct his eyesight."



Now that is cruel!

[MidLifeCrisis Out of control poster! Find all posts View Profile Close MidLifeCrisis]

A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology which was explaining the phenomenon of "mixed emotions". The husband turned to his wife and said, "That is an absolute bunch of crap. I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time."








She said: "Out of all your friends, you have the biggest dick."


mlc - +

[GTX Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close GTX]

A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a
Gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table..He had been checking
Her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place.. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.'

They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theatre followed by drinks... They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest.

After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!

'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman.. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'

'No,' she replies....
'You just happened to catch my eye.'

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

I have a little Satnav

It sits there in my car

A Satnav is a driver's friend

It tells you where you are

I have a little Satnav

I've had it all my life

It's better than the normal ones

My Satnav is my wife

It gives me full instructions

Especially how to drive

"It's thirty miles an hour", it says

"You're doing thirty five"

It tells me when to stop and start

And when to use the brake

And tells me that it's never ever

Safe to overtake

It tells me when a light is red

And when it goes to green

It seems to know instinctively

Just when to intervene

It lists the vehicles just in front

And all those to the rear

And taking this into account

It specifies my gear.

I'm sure no other driver

Has so helpful a device

For when we leave and lock the car

It still gives its advice

It fills me up with counselling

Each journey's pretty fraught

So why don't I exchange it

And get a quieter sort?

Ah well, you see, it cleans the house,

Makes sure I'm properly fed,

It washes all my shirts and things

And keeps me warm in bed!

Despite all these advantages

And my tendency to scoff,

I only wish that now and then

I could turn the bugger off.

[SWR Banned Find all posts View Profile Close SWR]

Job Comparison

A Toyota mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Toyota when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.

The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?"

The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the Toyota.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in, and when I finished, it worked just like new. So how is it that I make $88,000 a year and you make $2.7M when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The cardiologist paused, leaned over, and then whispered to the mechanic.... "Try doing it with the engine running."

[GTX Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close GTX]

A Scotsman just started his own business in Afghanistan .
He's making land mines that look like prayer mats.
It's doing well.
He says prophets are going through the roof.

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

Giving Up Wine



I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?'

'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told me.

'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.

'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I must spend my time trying to stay alive.'

'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked.
'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman. I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'

'Well, I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you to dinner with my husband and me tonight.'

The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for that. I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'

I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she gives up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.'

[GTX Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close GTX]

http://www.amazon.com/Veet-Hair-Remo...+cream+for+men

Read the first review by A. Chappell July 3 2012 LOL and tears