[OT] Jokes page

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

Note to self: 'Cancel credit cards prior to death!

Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die! This is so priceless
and so easy to see happening - customer service, being what it is today!

A lady died this past January, and ANZ bank billed her for February and
March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and
Then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge The balance had
been $0.00, now is somewhere around $60.00.

A family member placed a call to the ANZ Bank:

Family Member:
'I am calling to tell you that she died in January.'

ANZ:
'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member:
'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.'

ANZ:
'Since it is two months past due, it already has been..'

Family Member:
So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'

ANZ:
'Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to
the credit bureau, maybe both!'

Family Member:
'Do you think God will be mad at her?'

ANZ:
'Excuse me?'

Family Member:
'Did you just get what I was telling you . . ... The part about her
being dead?'

ANZ:
'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'

Supervisor gets on the phone:
Family Member:
'I'm calling to tell you, she died in January.'

ANZ:
'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member:
'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'

ANZ:
(Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'

Family Member:
'No, I'm her great nephew.'
(Lawyer info given)

ANZ:
'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'

Family Member:
'Sure.'
( fax number is given )

After they get the fax:

ANZ:
'Our system just isn't set up for death. I don't know what more I
can do to help.'

Family Member:
'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing
her. I don't think she will care.'

ANZ:
'Well, the late fees and charges do still apply.'

Family Member:
'Would you like her new billing address?'

ANZ:
'That might help.'

Family Member:
' Rookwood Memorial Cemetery , 1249 Centenary Rd, Sydney Plot Number
1049.'

ANZ:
'Sir, that's a cemetery!'

Family Member:
'Well, what do you do with dead people on your planet?'

[Harkenreader Lurker Find all posts View Profile Close Harkenreader]

^^ lol good one!

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

> : New Teeth
>
> A Pastor goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth. The first
> Sunday
>
> after he gets his new teeth, he talks for only eight minutes. The
> second
>
> Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes. The following Sunday, he talks
>
> for 2 hours and 48 minutes.
>
> The congregation had to mob him to get him down from the pulpit and
> they
>
> asked him what happened.
>
> The Pastor explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't
>
> talk for more than 8 minutes. The second Sunday his gums hurt too much
>
> to talk for more than 10 minutes. But, the third Sunday, he put his
>
> wife's teeth in by mistake and he couldn't shut up...
>
> I love it when I make you smile...and I KNOW you are smiling !!!!
>
> Have a Great Day!!!

[AJ120 Out of control poster! Find all posts View Profile Close AJ120]

Five basic rules for good health:


1. F***ing once a week is good for your health, every day is even better.
2. F***ing gives proper relaxation for your mind & body.
3. F***ing refreshes you.
4. After F***ing don't eat too much; go for more liquids.
5. F***ing can even reduce your cholesterol level





SO, REMEMBER ...
I'm talking about FISHING, so please clean out your filthy mind!


Cheers Andrew

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

I am a sick old man. I was sick and in the hospital.

There was one nurse that just drove me crazy.

Every time she came in, she would talk to me like I was a little child.

She would say in a patronizing tone of voice, 'And how are we doing this morning?',












Or 'Are we ready for a bath?', or 'Are we hungry ?'
I had had enough of this particular nurse.
One day, at breakfast, I took the apple juice off the tray and put it in my bed side stand.
Later, I was given a urine bottle to fill for testing.
So you know where the juice went !

The nurse came in a little later, picked up the urine bottle and looked at it.
'My, it seems we are a little cloudy today. '

At this, I snatched the bottle out of her hand, popped off the top, and drank it down, saying, 'Well, I'll run it through again. Maybe I can filter it better this time.'
The nurse fainted..........
I just smiled.

[KIMBOPRADO Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close KIMBOPRADO]

7yr old bought a joke book home from school library today - thought this was funny...

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "why is the bride dressed in white?"

"Because white is the colour of happiness and today is the happiest day of her life"

The child thought about this for a moment and the said "So why is the groom wearing black?"

[KIMBOPRADO Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close KIMBOPRADO]

But there's more....

Two police officers are driving a car. One officer puts on the siren and asks the other officer to check whether it's working. He answers ' yes... no.....yes....no....yes....no....yes...no..."

[KIMBOPRADO Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close KIMBOPRADO]

Last one...

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time,which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little,which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a.......

Super-calloused-fragile-mystic-hexed-by-halitosis!

[KIMBOPRADO Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close KIMBOPRADO]

Too long to type



Us WA guys smarter than your average bear

All QLD - too many bananas not enough speed



.

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite - All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.

I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.

After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Jim woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realised he had made it home safely.

Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year". Mick said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then."

Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.

I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy.
Nothing.


Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.


ITS A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY"
And with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai Brothel!!!

An Englishman has started his own business in Afghanistan! He is making land Mines that look like prayer mats! It?s doing well! Prophets are going through the roof!!

Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?'

Granny replies, f@@k the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!


A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband: 'I look horrible, I feel fat and ugly, pay me a compliment.'

He replies, 'Your eyesight is perfect.'

Wife gets naked and asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
Hubby looks her up and down and replies, 'Your sense of humour!

An elderly couple is attending Mass. About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?'

He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'

"Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we're here we might as well dance." Anon

[Bassett Member Find all posts View Profile Close Bassett]

A DAMN FINE EXPLANATION

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

And she was upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me

a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'

And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.'

'Go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift.

She looked so down and out and defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night,

the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes

were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years,

but don't wear because you say they are too tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her,

and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as

I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,



Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

Many years ago on a long BOAC flight, an elderly lady asked if she could visit the cockpit.
When she got up there, she found four crewmen. She asked the first what he did, and he
explained that he was the navigator and what his responsibilities were. She turned to next
one and asked what he did. He explained that he was the engineer and his job was to monitor
and troubleshoot any system problems to keep the flight operating smoothly.
She turned to the next one and asked what he did. He explained that as the captain he was
responsible for everything on the airplane and the functioning of the crew. She turned to the
first officer and asked "Well young man, what is your job?"

He replied "Ma'am, I am the captain's adviser."

She said "I beg your pardon, but what do you mean by that?"

"Very simple ma'am. The captain has told me that when he wants my advice, he'll ask me."

[paulyc Member Find all posts View Profile Close paulyc]

Reason given by a lady for being absent from work on Monday ....

"My husband took an overdose of Viagra and I couldn't leave him with the maid"

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were $70!!! Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

I was driving this morning when I saw a parked RACV van. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself that blokes heading for a breakdown.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador."Bugger that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.

A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheelchair.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said I would like to come back as a cow. I said you're obviously not listening.

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London. Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.

The wife was counting all the 5c's and 10c's out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."

Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!

A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."

Murphy says to Paddy, "What ya talkin to an envelope for?" "I'm sending a voicemail ya thick sod!"


19 paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?"
Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over."

An Asian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world, swum with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as no surprise to learn his name was Bindair Dundat.

[SGS Member Find all posts View Profile Close SGS]

Female Medical
During a lady's medical examination, the doctor says:- "Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine. Now let me see the bit that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble." The lady starts taking off her underwear but is interrupted by the doctor
"No! No! Don't remove your clothes... Just stick out your tongue!" !!!!