[OT] Jokes page

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade.. So remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing and cares less tries to make your life miserable.

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

" Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.

Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome .

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot..

And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me.."

"Oh, really! What'd he say ?"


He said: "Who the hell gave you that awful hair-do?"

[Bassett Member Find all posts View Profile Close Bassett]

Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.'

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, 'Come on in.'


When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass.

A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?'

'Uh...yeah! , sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied.

'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you.. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for my self.'

Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'

'No problem,' said the genie 'You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!'

'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked.

'I'd like to own a gorgeous home in every country in the world complete with servants,' she said.

'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'

'And now,' the couple asked in unison, 'what's your wish, genie?'

'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.'

The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?'

You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. I'd do the same for you!'

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other.

The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?'

'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly.

'No Kidding,' he said.

'Thirty-five years old and you both still believe in genies?'

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

This was written by a black gentleman in Texas and is so funny. What a great sense of humor and creative thinking !
When U Black, U Black
When I was born, I was BLACK,
When I grew up, I was BLACK,
When I went in the sun, I stayed BLACK,
When I got cold, I was BLACK,
When I was scared, I was BLACK,
When I was sick, I was BLACK,
And when I die, I'll still be BLACK.

NOW, You 'white' folks......
When you're born, you're PINK,
When you grow-up, you're WHITE,
When you go in the sun, you get RED,
When you're cold, you turn BLUE,
When you're scared, you're YELLOW,
When you get sick, you're GREEN
When you bruise, you turn PURPLE,
And when you die, you look GREY.

So why y'all be callin' us
COLORED Folks

[SWR Banned Find all posts View Profile Close SWR]

This is well done in layman’s terms, take note!!!!!!!!

THE TAX SYSTEM EXPLAINED IN BEER


Suppose that once a week, ten men go out for beer and the bill for all ten comes to $100. If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this.

The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.
The fifth would pay $1.
The sixth would pay $3.
The seventh would pay $7.
The eighth would pay $12.
The ninth would pay $18
And the tenth man (the richest) would pay $59.

So, that's what they decided to do. The ten men drank in the bar every week and seemed quite happy with the arrangement until, one day, the owner caused them a little problem. "Since you are all such good customers," he said, "I'm going to reduce the cost of your weekly beer by $20." Drinks for the ten men would now cost just $80.

The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes. So the first four men were unaffected. They would still drink for free but what about the other six men? The paying customers? How could they divide the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his fair share?
They realized that $20 divided by six is $3.33 but if they subtracted that from everybody's share then not only would the first four men still be drinking for free but the fifth and sixth man would each end up being paid to drink his beer.

So, the bar owner suggested that it would be fairer to reduce each man's bill by a higher percentage. They decided to follow the principle of the tax system they had been using and he proceeded to work out the amounts he suggested that each should now pay.

And so, the fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (a 100% saving).
The sixth man now paid $2 instead of $3 (a 33% saving).
The seventh man now paid $5 instead of $7 (a 28% saving).
The eighth man now paid $9 instead of $12 (a 25% saving).
The ninth man now paid $14 instead of $18 (a 22% saving).
And the tenth man now paid $49 instead of $59 (a 16% saving).

Each of the last six was better off than before with the first four continuing to drink for free. But, once outside the bar, the men began to compare their savings. "I only got $1 out of the $20 saving," declared the sixth man. He pointed to the tenth man, "but he got $10"

"Yes, that's right," exclaimed the fifth man. "I only saved $1 too. It's unfair that he got ten times more benefit than me"

"That's true" shouted the seventh man. "Why should he get $10 back, when I only got $2? The wealthy get all the breaks"

"Wait a minute," yelled the first four men in unison, "We didn't get anything at all. This new tax system exploits the poor"

The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up.

The next week the tenth man didn't show up for drinks, so the nine sat down and had their beers without him. But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered something important - they didn't have enough money between all of them to pay for even half of the bill.

And that, boys and girls, journalists and government ministers, is how our tax system works. The people who already pay the highest taxes will naturally get the most benefit from a tax reduction. Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy and they just might not show up any more. In fact, they might start drinking overseas, where the atmosphere is somewhat friendlier.

For those who understand, no explanation is needed.
For those who do not understand, no explanation is possible

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

The longer you've been married, the funnier this becomes!

An elderly married couple was at home watching TV.
The husband had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel.
The wife became more and more annoyed and finally said:
"For god's sake! Leave it on the porn channel. You already know how to fish!"

[Bassett Member Find all posts View Profile Close Bassett]

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty
and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money,
will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead,
I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded.
"Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay.
It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf and sex."

[LifesAbeach Lurker Find all posts View Profile Close LifesAbeach]

What's the difference between 3 dicks and a joke?

Your wife can't take a joke.

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

A young blonde girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the porch" he said. "How much will you charge me?"

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint, brushes and everything she would need were in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"

"That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" he responded.

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes."

A few hours later the blonde came to the door to collect her money..

"You're finished already??" the startled husband asked.

"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I even had paint left over so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her along with a $10 tip.

"Thank you," the blonde said, "And, by the way, it's not a Porch, it's an Audi."

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

SCOTTISH LOVE STORY

>
> An elderly Scotsman man lay dying in his bed. While
> suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly
> smelled the aroma of his favourite scones wafting up the
> stairs.
>
>
> He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself
> from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way
> out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort,
> gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.
>
> With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame,
> gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony,
> he would have thought himself already in heaven, for
> there, spread out upon the kitchen table were literally
> hundreds of his favourite scones.
>
> Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his
> devoted Scottish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that
> he left this world a happy man?
>
> Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself
> towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled
> posture. His aged and withered hand trembled towards a
> scone at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly
> smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon ..........
>
> "F***off" she said, "they're for the funeral"!

[AJ120 Out of control poster! Find all posts View Profile Close AJ120]

The Job Interview

A young guy goes in for a job interview.

The interviewer asks him "what is your greatest weakness"

The lad replies "I am too Honest"

The interviewer is surprised and says "I don't think that honesty is a weakness"

The lad replies "I don't give a F*&K what you think"

Cheers Andrew

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

A doctor was addressing a large audience in Oxford ............

"The material we put into our stomachs should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is full of steroids and dye. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High transfat diets can be disastrous and none of us realises the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and most of us have, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

After several seconds of quiet, a 70-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."

[Bassett Member Find all posts View Profile Close Bassett]

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Feed him
2. Sleep with him
3. Leave him with peace
4. Don't check his phone (Msgs)
5. Don't bother him with his movements
So whats so hard about that
?

HOW TO MAKE A WOMAN HAPPY

It's really not too difficult but.... To make a woman happy, a man only needs to be:

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a plumber
10. a mechanic
11. a carpenter
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
44. give her compliments regularly
45. Go shopping with her
46. be honest
47. be very rich
48. not stress her out
49. not look at other girls
AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
50. give her lots of attention
51. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
52. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes.

BUT MOST OF ALL IT IS VERY IMPORTANT
53. never forget
*birthdays
*anniversaries
*valentine
*arrangements she makes. —

[PradoNick Lurker Find all posts View Profile Close PradoNick]

A guy was out parachuting one day.

As he jumped and puled his rip cord it came away in his hand and nothing happened.

Luckily he had a reserve chute.

As he pulled the cord on the reserve chute, again it came away in his hand and nothing happened.

Just as he is considering the ground approaching very fast and what a lovely corpse he would make, to his astonishment he sees a man with singed hair, wearing an apron, with a pair of tongs in one hand and a burnt match in the other, flying up to meet him .

"Hey, mate" yells out the skydiver as the two are about to pass each other - "Do you know anything about parachutes?".

"Sorry, mate" says the other guy as he passes the skydiver - "By the way, do you know anything about gas barbecues?".

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

A man takes the day off work and
Decides to go out golfing.
He is on the second hole when he
Notices a frog sitting next to the green.
He thinks nothing of it and is
About to shoot when he Hears,
Ribbit 9 Iron.'
The man looks around and doesn't
See anyone.
Again, he hears, 'Ribbit 9 Iron.'
He looks at the frog and decides to
Prove the frog wrong, puts the
Club away, and grabs a 9 iron.
Boom!
He hits it 10 inches from the cup.
He is shocked.
He says to the frog,
'Wow that's amazing..
You must be a lucky frog he asks?
The frog replies,
'Ribbit Lucky frog.'
The man decides to take the frog
With him to the next hole.

'What do you think frog?'
The man asks.
'Ribbit 3 wood.'

The guy takes out a 3 wood and,
Boom! Hole in one...
The man is befuddled and doesn't know
What to say.
By the end of the day, the man golfed the
Best game of golf in his life and
Asks the frog,
'OK where to next?'
The frog replies,
'Ribbit Las Vegas ...
' They go to Las Vegas
And the guy says,
'OK frog, now What?'
The frog says, 'Ribbit Roulette.'
Upon approaching the roulette table,
The man asks,
'What do you think I should Bet?'
The frog replies
'Ribbit $3000, black 6.'

Now, this is a
Million-to-one shot to win, but
After the golf game the man
Figures what the heck.

Boom!
Tons of chips come sliding back across the table
The man takes his winnings and
Buys the best room in the Hotel.
He sits the frog down and Says,
'Frog, I don't know how to repay you.
You've won me all this money and
I am forever grateful.'

The frog replies,

'Ribbit KissMe.'
He figures why not,

Since after all the frog did for Him,
He deserves it..
With a kiss, the frog turns into a
Gorgeous 25-year-old girl.
'And that,
Your honor, is how the girl
Ended up in my room.
So help me God






Or my name is not Craig Thompson.'

[KIMBOPRADO Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close KIMBOPRADO]

It was Christmas eve, and after an unfortunate car accident, three mates had died.....

After arriving at the Pearly Gates, St Peter said to the three of them, that since it was Christmas tomorrow, to enter tonite, you have to show me something that relates to Christmas....

The first Guy after searching his pockets, pulls out a bunch of car keys and while shaking them sings jingle Bells and is allowed in.......

The second guy after a longer search, pulls out a cigarette lighter, lights it up and suggests its a Christmas light and is allowed in.......

Now the last guy is stumped, he searches and searches, but can't find anything relating to Christmas and after 1/2 an hour pull out a pair of woman's knicker's from his back pocket and start waving them in the air, with a big grin on his face...

Now St Peter is puzzled and asks him how can they relate to Christmas??

The third guys reply was - they belong to Carol.....