[OT] Jokes page

[KIMBOPRADO Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close KIMBOPRADO]

Now little Johnny was known for his profanity and the day he was off to see Santa at the local shopping mall, his Dad warned him if he uses profanity in front of Santa, anything he wishes for Xmas will turn into Dog Doo Doo...

After sitting on Santa knee, is asked what he wants (will let you use your imagination to fill in the blanks and embellish more)

First when I wake up in the morning, I want a big ______ 6ft teddy bear on the pillow next to me, and then when I walk down stairs, there will be a big ______ train set and track around the ______ small Xmas tree we have , and when I walk outside leaning on the garage will be a big red ________ trail bike......

Now after hearing this his dad decides to teach him a lesson and make his wish come true - except with Dog .......

So on Xmas morning little Johnny opens his eyes, roll over and see Dog ........, he runs down stairs and next to the Xmas tree is a bigger pile of Dog........, finally he goes out side and next to the garage is a huge pile of Dog......

Looking around, little johnny runs back inside to the kitchen with a big grin on his face and his Dad asks what Santa bought him for Xmas......

His reply was - I know Santa bought me a Dog, but _______ if I can find him.......

(Hope have cleaned up enough for PP)

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice.

After positioning her comfy camping stool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice.

Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a cup of cappuccino from her thermos,
and began to cut yet another hole.

Again from the heavens the voice bellowed,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of the ice.
She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole.

The voice came once more,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

She stopped, looked skyward! and said,

"IS THAT YOU LORD?"

The voice replied,

"NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE SKATING RINK!"

[MidLifeCrisis Out of control poster! Find all posts View Profile Close MidLifeCrisis]

Now little Johnny was known for his profanity and the day he was off to see Santa at the local shopping mall, his Dad warned him if he uses profanity in front of Santa, anything he wishes for Xmas will turn into Dog Doo Doo...

After sitting on Santa knee, is asked what he wants (will let you use your imagination to fill in the blanks and embellish more)

First when I wake up in the morning, I want a big ______ 6ft teddy bear on the pillow next to me, and then when I walk down stairs, there will be a big ______ train set and track around the ______ small Xmas tree we have , and when I walk outside leaning on the garage will be a big red ________ trail bike......

Now after hearing this his dad decides to teach him a lesson and make his wish come true - except with Dog .......

So on Xmas morning little Johnny opens his eyes, roll over and see Dog ........, he runs down stairs and next to the Xmas tree is a bigger pile of Dog........, finally he goes out side and next to the garage is a huge pile of Dog......

Looking around, little johnny runs back inside to the kitchen with a big grin on his face and his Dad asks what Santa bought him for Xmas......

His reply was - I know Santa bought me a Dog, but _______ if I can find him.......

(Hope have cleaned up enough for PP)

Maybe too much..... it hurt my little brain trying to make it flow.

[SGS Member Find all posts View Profile Close SGS]

Christmas in Ireland

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'


The paddy replied, 'These are Carols.'

And So The Christmas Season
Begins......

[KIMBOPRADO Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close KIMBOPRADO]

Maybe too much..... it hurt my little brain trying to make it flow.

Heh heh - here's a legend to use to fill in the blanks

When you see this _________ use the word that word starts with F and ends with uck (firetruck)

And when you see ............. Think of Poootrol owner talking about his car ("think this guy talking S..t")

Have a good Xmas MLC

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

SEX AT 73
I just took a
leaflet out of my mailbox,
informing me that I can
have sex at 73
I'm so happy, because I live at
number 71.
So it's not too far to walk home
afterwards.
And
it's the same side of the street.
I don't even have
to cross the road!

~~~~~

Answering machine
message,
"I am not available right now,
but
thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making
some changes in my life.
Please leave a message
after the beep.
If I do not return your
call,
you are one of the
changes."

~~~~~

My wife and I had
words, but I didn't get to use
mine.

~~~~~

Frustration is trying to
find your glasses without your
glasses.

~~~~~

Blessed are those who can
give without remembering
and take without
forgetting.

~~~~~

The
irony of life is that,
by the time you're old
enough to know your way around,
you're not going
anywhere.

~~~~~

God made man before
woman so as to give him time
to think of an answer
for her first question.

~~~~~

I was
always taught to respect my elders,
but it keeps
getting harder to find one.

~~~~~

Every
morning is the dawn of a new
error.

~~~~~

Aspire to inspire before
you expire.

~~~~~

[MidLifeCrisis Out of control poster! Find all posts View Profile Close MidLifeCrisis]

Heh heh - here's a legend to use to fill in the blanks

When you see this _________ use the word that word starts with F and ends with uck (firetruck)

And when you see ............. Think of Poootrol owner talking about his car ("think this guy talking S..t")

Have a good Xmas MLC

Thanks Kimbo. I will have my people run this through the code systems. I'm sure with this vital information we will have the message decoded in time for next Christmas.

( Whispers) PS, Is Firetruck a decoy word?

I thought so, not much gets past me... although that has more to do with my bulkiness as opposed to int... intelle=ackt..... smartness.

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

We hang petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.
~Aesop, Greek slave & fable author

Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by those who are dumber.
~Plato, ancient Greek Philosopher

Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river.
~Nikita Khrushchev, Russian Soviet politician

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it.
~Quoted in 'Clarence Darrow for the Defense' by Irving Stone.

Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel.
~John Quinton, American actor/writer

Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.
~Oscar Ameringer, "the Mark Twain of American Socialism."

I offered my opponents a deal: "if they stop telling lies about me, I will stop telling the truth about them".
~Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952..

A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.
~Texas Guinan. 19th century American businessman


Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.
~Doug Larson (English middle-distance runner who won gold medals at the 1924
Olympic Games in Paris, 1902-1981)

I am reminded of a joke: What happens if a politician drowns in a river? That's pollution. What happens if all of them drown? That's a solution!!!

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

IT WAS A DARK AND STORMY NIGHT . . ..




Bob Hill and his new wife, Betty, are vacationing in Europe,
near Transylvania . They drive in a rental car along a rather
deserted highway. It is late, raining very hard and Bob can barely see
the road in front of the car. Suddenly, the car skids
out of control. Bob attempts to control it,
but to no avail. The car swerves and smashes into a tree..

Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees Betty unconscious, with her
head bleeding. Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside,
Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance. He carefully picks her up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while,
he sees a light and heads towards it, which is coming
from a large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks.

A small, hunched man opens the door..
Bob blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill and this is my wife Betty.
We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been
Seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?"


"I'm sorry," replies the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone.
My master is a doctor. Come in, and I will get him."
Bob brings his wife in.




An older man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may
have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist.
However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have
had some basic medical training. I will see what I can do.
Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."

With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs,
with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in
the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries,
so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.

After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried.
"Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion."
Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail.
Bob and Betty Hill are no more.

The Hills' deaths upsets Igor's master greatly.
Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory,
which houses his grand piano. It is here that he
has always found solace and he begins to play.
A stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.

Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up.
His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers
on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting
piano music. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins
to rise, marking the beat. He is further amazed as
Betty and Bob both sit up straight!

Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs
to the conservatory. He bursts in and shouts to his master:

"Master, Master!






The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"

[Ozpat Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close Ozpat]

I was passing the local oval when I heard what sounded like a cat screaming. Having a closer look I saw with horror four boys playing football with a poor moggy. Angry and disgusted I was about to phone the RSPCA when the cat sneaked through with a neat side step and made it 3-1.

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

In my mature years, I’m finally beginning to understand the Bible!
For those who haven’t heard, the State of Washington just passed two
laws:
• Same-sex Marriage
• Legalized Marijuana

The fact that same-sex marriage and marijuana were legalized on the
same day makes perfect biblical sense because Leviticus 20:13 says:

“If a man lies with another man they should be stoned.”

I just hadn’t interpreted it correctly before.

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

"Dogs Welcome"
>
> A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation.
>
> He wrote: I would very much like to bring my dog with me.
> He is well-groomed. And very well behaved.
> Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?"
>
>
> An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who wrote:
>
> SIR: "I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls.
> I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly.
> And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill.
> Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel.
>
> And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too."

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

The Secret Of A Long Life

Anyone in the autumn of their years, pondering their mortality should take heart from the advice given by a tough old cowhand from southern Alberta to his grand-daughter.
"The secret to a long life" he counselled "is to sprinkle a touch of gunpowder on your oatmeal every morning"
The grand-daughter followed this dictum religiously until her death at the venerable old age of 103.
She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great grandchildren, 25 great-great grandchildren and a forty foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

[ntp Addicted PP Member Find all posts View Profile Close ntp]

A guy walks into a Darwin bar with a donkey, nun and a can of WD40.

The barman says, gees MLC, another one of your secret trips to the Top End?

[MidLifeCrisis Out of control poster! Find all posts View Profile Close MidLifeCrisis]

A guy walks into a Darwin bar with a donkey, nun and a can of WD40.

The barman says, gees MLC, another one of your secret trips to the Top End?

......Nup, I don't get it.......?