[OT] Jokes page

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Xmas fancy dress party.
He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.
A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate. The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint.
A week passes and he receives another parcel and note:

Dear Sir,
Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part. The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint.
A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup. We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, let it harden, then stick your wooden leg up your a**e and go as a toffee apple.

[kav Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close kav]

Surely Oscar Pistorius can't be the first bloke to wake up legless on Valentines day after shooting a load into his girlfriends face whilst imagining she was someone else ?

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 KPH.

Says he to himself: "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car,he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back....wide eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly .... Twenty-two kilometres an hour!" .... the old woman says a bit proudly.

The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22 is the highway number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask...Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken, and they haven't made a peep this whole time," the officer asks.

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Highway 189."

[craigm Addicted PP Member Find all posts View Profile Close craigm]

I was in a bar the other night and overheard three very hefty women talking.


Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and asked "Hello ladies, are you three lassies from Scotland?"


One of them angrily screeched, "its Wales you bloody idiot, Wales!"


So I apologized and replied, "I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland?"


And that's the last thing I remember....

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

A Chinese, Frenchman, Englishman and a Pakistani are on holiday and enjoying the sights off the 'End of the World Cliffs' in Sagres, Portugal.
They were standing at the edge of a cliff viewing the sea when the Chinese suddenly throws a wad of money off the cliff.
"Why did you do that?" ask the others.
"We have so much money in China and I can afford to do it" says the Chinese.
"Ok" says the Frenchman and throws a bottle of champagne off the cliff into the sea, saying "We have so much champagne in France and I can afford to do it."
The Pakistani looks at the Englishman and says, "Don't you dare!"

[MidLifeCrisis Out of control poster! Find all posts View Profile Close MidLifeCrisis]

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife..
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not. It's 3 in the morning and it's bloody pouring rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people too, you know."
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.

[1coolbanana Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close 1coolbanana]

Help me with my new password

Im trying to set a password

WINDOWS: Please enter your new password.

USER: cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.

USER: boiled cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.

USER: 1 boiled cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.

USER: 50bloodyboiledcabbages

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.

USER: 50BLOODYboiledcabbages

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.

USER: 50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon'tGiv eMeAccessNow!

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.

USER: ReallyPissedOff50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourA ssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow

WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already in use.

[AJ120 Out of control poster! Find all posts View Profile Close AJ120]

Im trying to set a password

WINDOWS: Please enter your new password.

USER: cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.

USER: boiled cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.

USER: 1 boiled cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.

USER: 50bloodyboiledcabbages

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.

USER: 50BLOODYboiledcabbages

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.

USER: 50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon'tGiv eMeAccessNow!

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.

USER: ReallyPissedOff50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourA ssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow

WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already in use.

I can so relate to that

Cheers Andrew

[SGS Member Find all posts View Profile Close SGS]

So can I

[SGS Member Find all posts View Profile Close SGS]

Must be read with Mexican accent

Two old Jewish men, Sid and Abe, are sitting in a Mexican restaurant one day.
Sid asks Abe, "Do you know if any people of our ancestry were ever born and raised in Mexico ?
Abe replies, "I don't know, let's ask our waiter.."
When the waiter arrives, Abe asks, "Are there any Mexican Jews?"
The waiter says, "I don't know senor, I ask the cooks.
"He returns from the kitchen after a few minutes and says,
"No senor, the cook say no Mexican Jews."
Abe isn't satisfied and asks, "Are you absolutely sure?"
The waiter, realizing he is dealing with "Gringos" replies,
"I check once again, senor," and goes back into the kitchen.
While the waiter is away, Sid says,
"I find it hard to believe that there are no Jews in Mexico ..
Our people are scattered everywhere."
The waiter returns and says,
"Senor, the head cook Manuel, he say there is no Mexican Jews."
"Are you certain?" Abe asks again. "I just can't believe there are no Mexican Jews!"
"Senor, I ask EVERYONE," replies the exasperated waiter.
"All we have is Orange Jews, Grape Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato Jews and Apple Jews, but no Mexican Jews."

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

"Dogs Welcome"

A man wrote a letter to a small
hotel in a Midwest
town he planned to visit on his vacation. He wrote:
I would very
much like to bring my dog with me.
He is
well-groomed and very well behaved.
Would you be willing to permit me to keep him
in my
room with me at night?"

An immediate reply came from the hotel
owner, who wrote:
SIR: "I've been operating this hotel
for many years.
In all that time, I've never had a dog steal
towels,
bedclothes, silverware or steal pictures off
the walls
or use them as a coloring
book.

I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of
the night
for being drunk and disorderly. And
I've never had a
dog run out on a
hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog
is
welcome at my
hotel. And, if your dog will vouch
for
you, you're welcome
to stay here, too."

[AJ120 Out of control poster! Find all posts View Profile Close AJ120]

A couple of jokes for the geeks

Why did the chicken cross the Möbius strip?

To get to the same side!

.................................................. ..............

There are 10 types of people in the world,

Those that understand Binary and those that don't!



Cheers Andrew

[REV Find all posts View Profile Close REV]

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife..
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not. It's 3 in the morning and it's bloody pouring rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people too, you know."
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.

Hey Rob,,,,,,, Give us a push will ya.....?????

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

The Jewish Elbow…
A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.

"You come to the front door of the apartments. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside and the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3rd Floor. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell. OK?"

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow? .........

"What . ... . ... .. You're coming empty handed?"
_______________________________________________

Wise Italian Grandfather

An old Italian man in Brooklyn is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, "Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated ...38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns.. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"

"You lissina me, boy! Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. "

"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. "Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Times up!' "?

__________________________________________________ __


Irish blonde...

An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland, arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude" with that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed. "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!" She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.


Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

MORAL OF THE STORY

Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb,
..... but all men...are men!

__________________________________________________ __

Global Facts About Sex

At any given moment:

FACT: 79,000,000 people are having sex - right now.
FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing.
FACT: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.
FACT: 1 old person is reading emails.

You hang in there, sunshine!

[clarkie383 Member Find all posts View Profile Close clarkie383]

A large woman wearing a sleeveless sun dress walked into a pub in England. She raised her right arm revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, a bleary-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!

The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them revealing the same hairy armpit and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?

Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"

The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "I say, old chap, it's none of my business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her 'the ballerina' ?"

The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina."