[OT] Jokes page

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

Christmas Story for people having a bad day....
When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not
produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the
pre-Christmas pressure. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was
coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more. When he went to
harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give
birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows
where. Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards
cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were
scattered. So, frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple
cider and a shot of rum.

When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all
the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally
dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass
pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found
the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door,
yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big
Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a
lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me
to stick it?"

And so began the tradition
of the little angel on top
of the Christmas tree.

[Grizzly Lurker Find all posts View Profile Close Grizzly]

strike a light spara, how many jokes can one man know!!
Good work funny guy
ummm... sorry cant remember any jokes

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

Grizzly

I could give you many more but I wont use Racist or filthy ones on this forum.........

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

Old Harold

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Harold the computer guy, to come over. Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

He gave me a bill for a minimum service call. As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?" He replied, "It was an ID ten T error." I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An, ID ten T error? What's that ..... in case I need to fix it again?"

Harold grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"

"No," I replied.

"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T

I used to like Harold................

[jeff s Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close jeff s]

Willie is sitting in the pub when overcome by the drink he has consumed he is sick all over himself.

Willie comments to his mate Fred.
'Oh christ, the wife is going to kill me as she warned me not to get into this state again'.

Fred tells Willie
'Dont worry about it mate, tell the wife it was me and that i was sick on your jumper by mistake. Infact take this $10 home to cover the cost of cleaning your jumper'.

Willie walks home and on entering the house he hears his wife scream
'Look at the f**king state of you'

Willie says
'Calm down woman it wasnt me it was Frank, he's in a right state. Look he has even given me $10 to clean my jumper'.

His wife takes the note from Willie and comments
'Willie, Frank has given you a $20 note'.

Willie replies
'I know, he has also shat my pants'.


language edit - pradogxlv6 mod

[jeff s Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close jeff s]

Tampax have announced the release of a special-christmas edition tampon, with the string replaced with tinsel.





Only available for the Christmas period.





ready on the delete button........ :roll:

[jeff s Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close jeff s]

A nurse walks into a room and sees a patient pretending he's driving a
truck, with his hands at 10 to 2. The nurse asks him, 'Kenny! What are you
doing?'



Kenny replies, 'Can't talk right now I'm driving to Melbourne!' The nurse
wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.
The next day the nurse enters Kenny's room just as he stops driving his
imaginary truck and she asks, 'Well Kenny, how was your trip?'
Kenny says, 'I'm exhausted, I just got into Melbourne and I need some
rest.'



That's great,' replied the nurse, 'I'm glad you had a safe trip.'
The nurse leaves Kenny's room, and then goes across the hall into another
patients' room and finds Davo sitting on his bed masturbating vigorously.
Shocked, she shouts, 'Davo what are you doing!?' To which Davo
replies, 'Shhh, I'm shagging Kenny's wife while he's in
Melbourne'.

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

Never Argue with a Woman

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am.
What are you doing?""Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that
obvious?")"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her."I'm
sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.""Yes, but you have all
the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to
take you in and write you up.""If you do that, I'll have to charge you
with sexual assault," says the woman."But I haven't even touched you,"
says the game warden."That's true, but you have all the equipment. For
all I know you could start at any moment.""Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also
think .

[jeff s Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close jeff s]

:shock: :lol: :lol:
good one spara

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

Weight Loss Programme

A guy calls a company and orders their 5 day/5kg. weight loss program.


The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads: "If you can catch me, you can have me." Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5kg. as promised.



He then calls the company and orders their 5-day/10kg program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful and sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign round her neck that reads: "If you catch me you can have me."

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot!



This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her; but when he does, it's definitely worth every muscle cramp and wheeze, so for the next four days, the same routine happens. Much to his delight, on the fifth day he weighs himself only to discover that he has lost another 10 kg. as promised.



He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/25kg program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone, "This is our most rigorous program."

"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."



The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds this huge, muscular, 7ft black man standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads: "I'm Nigel. If I catch you, you're mine..."

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly
contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by
hand, and even electronically.

This virus is called Weary Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you
receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues, or anyone else
via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe
out your private life completely.

If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave
the premises. Take two good friends to the nearest grocery store and purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

[Chippy Addicted PP Member Find all posts View Profile Close Chippy]

Due to the rising frequency of human-lion encounters, the Ministry of Fish and Wildlife, Mozambique, is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen and any motor-cyclists that use the out-of-doors in an recreational or work-related function to take extra precautions when in the bush.

We advise outdoorsmen to wear little noisy bells on clothing so as to give advanced warning to any lions that might be close by so you don't take them by surprise.

We also advise anyone using the out-of-doors to carry "pepper spray" with him or her in case of an encounter with a lion.

Outdoorsmen should also be on the watch for fresh lion activity, and be able to tell the difference between lion cub crap and big lion crap. Lion cub crap is smaller and contains lots of berries and small animal fur. Big lion crap has bells in it and smells like pepper.

Enjoy your stay.

Mozambique.

[Guest Close Guest]

I parked in an disabled space last tuesday .....

i got out of the car , and the parking inspector shouted at me " HEY WHATS YOUR DISABILITY ? "

- EDITED DUE TO BAD LANGUAGE - NOT REQ ON THE FORUM THANKS - Pradogxlv6


honestly guys , this is the most sensible forum i have ever been a member of ... excuse the language (it will maybe be scrubbed) but its also the funniest joke i have hear in a long time

EDIT: yes it got scrubbed ... but i bet my prado that YOU laughed your ass off before you scrubbed it Pradogxlv6

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

Blind salesman



A woman goes into Myers to buy a rod and reel for her
grandson's birthday.

She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one
and goes over to the counter.

The Myers salesman is standing there, wearing dark
shades. She says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about
this rod and reel?"

He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but, if you'll
drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know
about it from the sound it makes."

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod
with a Zebco 404 reel and ProFishional reel cover. It's a good all
around combination, and it's on sale this week for $44."

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just
by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"

As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the
floor. "Oh, that sounds like a Visa Card, "he says.
As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she
accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed

but then realizes there is no way the blind salesman

could tell it was she who had farted.

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $58.50 please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't
you tell me It was on sale for $44. How did you get to $58.50?"

"The Duck Caller is $11 and the Fish Bait is $3:50

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

Subject: Quick personality test....which one are you?







T here is a very , very tall coconut tree, and there are 4 animals:

King Kong, Ape, Orang-utan and a Monkey pass by.

They have a competition to see Who is the fastest to get the banana.
Who do you guess will win?

Your answer will reflect your personality. Try and answer within 30
seconds

Got your answer? Scroll down to see the analysis.
























If your answer is ........


Orang-utan = dull/stupid

Ape = foolish

Monkey = idiot

King Kong = stupid



Why ?????
Coconut tree, doesn't have bananas .................??
It's obvious you're stressed by your work. Go home!