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[BlakMoth Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close BlakMoth]

Oh well done Kim haha 👍


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

[120D4D Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close 120D4D]

Man walks into a bar with the crocodile.
Bartender says nothing and serves him a beer.

The bloke sitting next to him waves the croc away with his akubra but the croc snaps it and eats the hat.

Bloke says to man ‘Your croc just ate my hat’
Man doesn’t respond.

Bloke is getting mad by this stage and says ‘Your croc just ate my hat what are you going to do about it’
Man again doesn’t respond.

Bloke is irate by this point and yells ‘Mate, I don’t like your attitude!’
Man responds with ‘It wasn’t my hathechewed’

[KIMBOPRADO Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close KIMBOPRADO]

Star Trek is the future

The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech and walked out into the lobby of the convention center where he was introduced to a U.S. Marine General.
As they talked, the Iranian said, "I have just one question about what I have seen in America."

The General said, "Well, anything I can do to help?"

The Iranian asked, "My son watches this show called Star Trek and in it there is... Kirk who is Canadian, Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, Uhura who is black, and Suluwho is Japanese, but there are NO Muslims. My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Iranians, Iraqis, Afghans, Egyptians, Palestinians, Saudis, Syrians, or Pakistanis on Star Trek."

The General leaned toward the Iranian Ambassador, and whispered in his ear, "That's because it takes place in thefuture..."

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

Just when you think you have heard all
of the stupid things that are going on in
the US -- this comes along...
Black hurricanes....
Well, it appears our African-American friends
have found yet something else to be pissed about.
A black congresswoman (this would be Democrat Sheila
Jackson Lee, of Houston), reportedly complained
that the names of hurricanes are all Caucasian sounding names.
She would prefer some names that reflect
African-American culture such as
Chamiqua, Tanisha, Woeisha, Shaquille,
and Jamal.
I am NOT making this up!
She would also like the weather reports to be
broadcast in 'language' that street people can
understand because one of the problems that
happened in New Orleans was, that black people
couldn't understand the seriousness of the situation,
due to the racially biased language of the weather report.
I guess if the weather person says that the winds
are going to blow at 140 MPH, that's too hard to understand….
I can hear it now: A weatherman in New Orleans says…
Wazzup, mutha-f$#&as! Hehr-i-cane Chamiqua be
headin' fo' yo ass like Leroy on a rocket!
Bitch be a category fo'! So, turn off dem chitlins,
grab yo' chirren, leave yo crib, and head fo' de
nearest FEMA office fo yo FREE shit.

[Corigator Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Corigator]

She would prefer some names that reflect
African-American culture such as
Chamiqua, Tanisha, Woeisha, Shaquille,
and Jamal.

Interesting isn't it. They stopped using solely female names because the women complained they didn't want hurricaned to be solely associated with women. Now the opposite argument is being used. - You can't win.

[r4ndll Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close r4ndll]

Tony Abbott was due to meet with Obama as part of the G20 summit. Obama's press corp was concerned that Australian news paper reporting was biased and skewed.

"Nonesense" replied its owner. "We have a free and fair press here in Australia. You watch and see in the meeting tomorrow between Tony and Obama. We will only report the truth."

Because they had much to discuss that was secret, and to avoid being overheard, Tony and Obama agreed to meet alone in the middle of the Lake St. Clair, the deepest lake in Australia. During the meeting Tony's Akubra blew off. Obama, stood up, stepped off the edge of the boat and onto the surface of the water. He walked calmly on the surface of the lake, over to the hat. Upon reaching it, he picked it up and returned it to Tony.

The newspaper headlines that night read "Its official! Obama cannot swim!"

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

CANNON BALLS!!! DID YOU KNOW THIS?


It was necessary to keep a good supply of cannon balls near the cannon on old war ships. But how to prevent them from rolling about the deck was the problem. The storage method devised was to stack them as a square based pyramid, with one ball on top, resting on four, resting on nine, which rested on sixteen.


Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small area right next to the cannon. There was only one problem -- how to prevent the bottom layer from sliding/rolling from under the others.


The solution was a metal plate with 16 round indentations, called, for reasons unknown, a Monkey. But if this plate were made of iron, the iron balls would quickly rust to it. The solution to the rusting problem was to make them of brass - hence, Brass Monkeys.


Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and much faster than iron when chilled.


Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far, the brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannon balls would come right off the monkey.




Thus, it was quite literally, cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey. And all this time, folks thought that was just a vulgar expression?
You must send this fabulous bit of historical knowledge to at least a few of your
________________________________________
________________________________________
intellectual friends.

[clarkie383 Member Find all posts View Profile Close clarkie383]

Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman are out for a stroll in town one day. As they walk, they come across a sign:

BEAUTY CONTEST TO FIND THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN IN THE WORLD

"I'm entering!" said Snow White.

After half an hour she comes out and they ask her "Well, how'd ya do?" "First Place" said a smug Snow White.

They continue walking and they see a sign:

CONTEST TO FIND THE STRONGEST MAN IN THE WORLD

"I'm entering!" says Superman.

After half an hour he returns and they ask him "How did you make out?"" "First Place" answers Superman. "Did you ever doubt it?"

They continue walking when they see a sign:

CONTEST! WHO IS THE GREATEST LIAR IN THE WORLD?

Pinocchio enters. After half an hour he returns with tears in his eyes. "What happened?" they asked. "Who the #### is OSCAR PISTORIOUS?" asked Pinocchio

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

The Tax Man
At the end of the tax year, the Inland Revenue office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital.

While the agent was checking the books he turned to the Accountant of the Hospital and said, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"

"Good question," noted the Accountant. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.

But on he went, in his obnoxious way. "What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Hospital Accountant, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of plaster."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Accountant.

"Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Accountant. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the Inland Revenue Office, and about once a year they send us a complete prick!"

[clarkie383 Member Find all posts View Profile Close clarkie383]

The Bridge
A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice God said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."
God replied, "Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking, the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."
The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "God, I wish that I and all men could understand women. I want to know how she feels inside, what she is thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing is wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help and how I can make a woman truly happy."
God replied: "You want two or four lanes on that bridge?"

[clarkie383 Member Find all posts View Profile Close clarkie383]

Australian humour or Wishful Thinking
An Indian, a Maori, a Muslim and an Australian were walking along an
Australian beach when the Maori stumbled over a bottle in the sand. He
picked up the bottle, rubbed the sand off it, and a Genie appeared.
"I can only grant four wishes" the Genie said. "Since there are four
of you, you may have one wish apiece"
Pointing to the Maori, he said, "Since you found the bottle, you may
have the first wish."
The Maori thought for a moment, then said, "I wish for a fleet of ships so that I can gather all my people and take them back to our homeland of Aotearoa."
Poof It was done Thousands of ships appeared on the skyline.
The Indian said, "I wish for enough aircraft to take all fellow Indians back to our homeland"
Poof, it was done. Row after row of aircraft filled the sky.
The Muslim said, "I wish for a hundred thousand camels to take all of
my people away from this horrible country infested with infidels so we
can live in peace in Muslim countries and serve the Prophet Allah."
Poof It was done A hundred thousand camels suddenly appeared on the beach.
Turning to the Australian, the Genie asked, "And what is your wish?"
The Aussie watched as the loaded aircraft began moving toward the
runway, then looked out to sea and watched the loaded ships sailing
out into the sunset, then he looked at all of the Muslims getting on
top of the camels and riding off.
He said, "Look mate, just give me a cold beer. It really doesn't get
any better than this”.

[RanJ Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close RanJ]

The Bridge
A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice God said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."
God replied, "Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking, the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."
The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "God, I wish that I and all men could understand women. I want to know how she feels inside, what she is thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing is wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help and how I can make a woman truly happy."
God replied: "You want two or four lanes on that bridge?"

I don't care how many time I see or hear this or in what version it is. I'll always give it a chuckle. It's hilarious... but is it a joke?

[SGS Member Find all posts View Profile Close SGS]

HOW MOSES GOT THE 10 COMMANDMENTS

God went to the Arabs and said, 'I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better.' The Arabs asked, 'What are Commandments?' And the Lord said, 'They are rules for living.' 'Can you give us an example?'

'Thou shall not kill.' 'Not kill? We're not interested..'


So He went to the Blacks and said, 'I have Commandments.' The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said, 'Honour thy Father and Mother.'

'Father? We don't know who our fathers are. We're not interested.'


Then He went to the Mexicans and said, 'I have Commandments.' The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said 'Thou shall not steal.'

'Not steal? We're not interested.'

Then He went to the French and said, 'I have Commandments.' The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, 'Thou shall not commit adultery.' 'Sacre bleu!!! Not commit adultery? We're not interested.'


Finally, He went to the Jews and said, 'I have Commandments.' 'Commandments?' They said, 'How much are they?' 'They're free.'

'We'll take 10.'

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

TELEPHONE SURVEY


Last month, a world-wide telephone survey was conducted by the UN.

The only question asked was:-
"Would you please give your honest opinion about possible solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a complete failure because:
- In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
- In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
- In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
- In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
- In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
- In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
- In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
- And in Australia, New Zealand, Canada and Britain everyone hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.

[clarkie383 Member Find all posts View Profile Close clarkie383]

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.

He asks, 'What are you doing?'

She answers, 'I'm moving to Nevada . I heard prostitutes there get paid
$400 for doing what I do for you for free.'

Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom
& sees her husband packing his suitcase.
When she asks him where he's going, he replies, 'I'm coming too.
I want to see how you live on $800 a year.