[OT] Jokes page

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

Jack and his date, Blossom were parked on a back road some distance from Brisbane, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from Brisbane.


Things were getting hot and heavy when Blossom stopped Jack


"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a ho0ker and I charge $120 for $ex," she said.


Jack just looked at her for a couple of seconds, but then reluctantly paid her, and they went on to have mind blowing $ex for the next hour.


After they were done, and had smoked a cigarette, Jack just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window.


"Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked Blossom


"Well.........",Jack replied with a grin on his face,


"I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a Taxi Driver and the fare back to Brisbane is $130 "

[MidLifeCrisis Out of control poster! Find all posts View Profile Close MidLifeCrisis]

Someone asked me today "what will you be doing in 5 years?"


I replied, sorry, I don't have 2020 vision....

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

The Outhouse


This is a ripper I LOVE it.

Ma and Pa were two hillbillies living in outback Victoria out on a farm up in the hills. (Maybe anywhere in Aus!!!)

Pa has found out that the hole under the outhouse is full.
He goes into the house and tells Ma that he doesn't know what to do to empty the hole.

Ma says, "Why don't you go ask the young'n down the road? He must be smart 'cause he's a uni gradjyate."


So Pa drives down to the neighbor's house and asks him.
"Mr. Uni gradjyate, my outhouse hole is full, and I don't know what to do to empty it."

The young'n tells him, "Get yourself two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse.
Put them both under the outhouse and light them both at the same time. The first one will go off and shoot the outhouse in the air.
While it's in the air the second one will then go off and spread the poop all across your farm, fertilizing your ground.
The outhouse should then come back down to the same spot atop the now-empty hole."

Pa thanks the neighbor, then drives to the hardware store and picks up two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse.

He goes home and puts them under the outhouse. He then lights them and runs behind a tree.

All of a sudden, Ma comes running out of the house and into the outhouse!



Off goes the first stick of dynamite ... shooting the outhouse into the air.

BOOM! Off goes the second stick of dynamite ... spreading poop all over the farm.

WHAM! The outhouse comes crashing back down atop the hole.

Pa races to the outhouse, throws open the door and asks, "Ma, are you all right??!!"


As she pulls up her panties she says...
"Yeah, but I'm sure glad I didn't fart in the kitchen.

[clarkie383 Member Find all posts View Profile Close clarkie383]

- The Grim Reaper came for me last night , and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death. 

- A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.... 

- I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin , 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!! 

-My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were $70!!! Bugger this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web. 

- I was driving this morning when I saw an NRMA van parked at the side of the road. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself that guy's heading for a breakdown.

- Statistically , 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.

- My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning , can you believe that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

Another golf story .....

One day out on the golf course, a golfer accidentally overturned his golf cart.

A very attractive woman, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise, came out onto her balcony and called out to him, "Hey, are you okay?"

I'm fine, thanks," he replied.

"You look frazzled, the woman said, "Come up to my villa for a drink and I will help you get the cart up afterwards.”

"That's mighty nice of you," he answered, "But I don't think my wife would like that.”

"Oh, come on, " the woman, a gorgeous brunette in a sexy bikini, insisted. "I can see you've cut your head open and it could be serious. Let me take care of that right away. I'm a nurse.”

She was very persuasive....and he was weak.

"Well okay," he agreed, but added, "But my wife is NOT going to like this.”

After she bandaged his wound, she gave him a most welcome brandy. They talked a little about golf, and he discovered she was an avid golfer with a four handicap. When he confessed to a weakness in his putting, she gave him a putting lesson, holding him close and intimately as she did so.

Finally he confessed, "I feel a lot better now, but I had better get going. I know my wife is going to be really upset with me being here with you.”

"Don't be silly! the woman said with a smile, "She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?”

"Under the cart," he replied.

[Bushbasher Out of control poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Bushbasher]

A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

"We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied.
"She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50...and I get $43 back from Medicare.

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me today, and we all could probably use more calm in our lives. Some doctor on tv this morning said the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started. So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished so I have managed to finish off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, a pockage of Prungles, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valiuminun scriptins, the res of the chesescke an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how bludy fablus I feel rite now. Plaese sned dhis orn to dem yu fee ar in ned ov iennr pisss. An telum,u blody luvum.!! Xxx

[KIMBOPRADO Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close KIMBOPRADO]

Taking the Grandson for his First Beer....

Last week decided to take the gransdon for his first beer. We ordered 2 pints of Guiness, he took his first sip and didn't like the taste, so I had to drink both pints. So we then ordered 2 pints of Larger, again he took one sip didn't like the taste - again I had to drink both pints.

This went on for about 4 hours, we tried all types of beers/wines and spirits to find something he liked the taste of - and by then I was very very drunk from having to always drink his share.

Decided then enough was enough, staggered out of the pub pushing the Grandson's pram home

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

Little Johnny was in the classroom bored to the back teeth on a Friday afternoon, and the teacher decided to have a game for the kids to get them thinking.

“Okay class. Now I'm going to say a famous quote, and the first person to tell me who said that quote, can have Monday off.” said the teacher.

'Who is credited with writing the phrase,'To be or not to be, that is the question’?” asked the teacher.

Little Pham Lam Nguyen at the front of the class called out, 'Shakespeare'.

'Well done!' said the teacher, 'You can have Monday off.”

'No thank you Miss. I am of Vietnamese origin and it is in our culture to study as hard as we can, so I will be here on Monday studying hard.' said Little Pham Lam Nguyen.

'Well okay,' said the teacher.

The next quote is, “I had a dream!”

Little Fri Sum Kat also at the front yelled out “I bereiva it was Martin Ruther King!”

“Well done!” said the teacher. 'You can have Monday off”

“No thanka you miss I am of Chinese oligin and we also do not take time offa school. Education is evelything to us, so I will be in on Monday studying hard too.” said little Fri Sum Kat.

'Okay,' said the teacher.

Then she heard a voice from the back of the classroom, “F#^*ing Asians!”

“Who said that?” yelled the teacher in an angry tone.

“Pauline Hanson!” yelled little Johnny. “See ya Tuesday!!!!”

[Bassett Member Find all posts View Profile Close Bassett]

After living in Shanghai for fifty years, a Chinese man decides to move to Australia.

He buys a small piece of land near Mt. Isa. A few days after moving in, the friendly Aussie neighbour decides to go across and welcome the new guy to the region.

He goes next door but, on his way up the drive-way, he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard, chasing about ten hens. Not wanting to interrupt any Chinese custom, he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day.

The next day, he decides to try again but, just as he is about to knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees the Chinese man urinate into a glass and then drink it. Not wanting to interrupt another Chinese custom, he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day.

A day later, he decides to give it one last go but, on his way next door, he sees the Chinese man leading a bull down the drive-way, pause, and then put an ear next to the bull's bum.


The Aussie bloke can't handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese man and says, "Jeez mate, what the hell is it with your Chinese customs? I come over to welcome you to the neighbourhood and see you running around the yard after hens. The next day you are pissing in a glass and drinking it and then today, you have your head so close to that bull's arse, it could just about shit on you."

The Chinese man is taken aback and says, "Sorry sir, you no understand. These no Chinese customs I doing; these Australian customs.''

"What do you mean mate?" says the Aussie. "Those aren't Australian customs!"

"Yes they are," replied the Chinese man. "Travel-agent man say to become true blue Australian, I must learn chase chicks, drink piss and listen to bull-shit.”

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

The Best Lawyer Story for a long time:














The Salvation Army realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.










The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over $2 million, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community?

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, 'First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long and painful illness, and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?'

Embarrassed, the volunteer mumbles, 'Uh... No, I didn't know that.'

'Secondly,' says the lawyer, 'did it show that my brother, a disabled Veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?’

The stricken volunteer begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.

'Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?'

The humiliated volunteer, completely beaten, says, 'I'm so sorry. I had no idea.’

And the lawyer says, 'So, if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?’

[mjrandom Out of control poster! Find all posts View Profile Close mjrandom]

A couple were in a busy shopping centre just before Christmas. The husband wandered off as she was standing in line, saying something about being back in a little bit.

After getting through the line, the husband wasn't back yet and since they still had more shopping to do, the wife called him on the mobile.

The wife said, "Where are you?"

He said " You remember the Jewelers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I couldn't afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you."

Tears started to flow down her cheeks and she got all choked up. "Yes, yes, I do remember that Jeweler", she replied.

"I'm in the pub next door."

[Fred63 Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close Fred63]

I bought an artificial xmas tree. The guy asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said "no you dirty bastard, it's going in the lounge room".

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

Since it was such a crappy day, I sat in my recliner and started thinking about life. I came to realize that as I have grown older I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore, a friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband

Lance Armstrong …. I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong, especially after what he achieved: winning 7 Tour de France races while on drugs. Hell, when I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my bike.

Drive By …. Someone broke into my house last week. They didn't take my TV, just the remote. Now they drive by and change the channels. Sick bastards!!!

The Agony of Aging …. On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my aging friend. He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish. I said to him, "You better get your hearing checked - You're supposed to turn your clock back".

Video Scam …. Just got scammed out of $25. Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favorite 18 Holes". Turns out it's all about golf. Absolute waste of money! Pass this on so others don't get scammed.

Pregnant Prostitute…Doctor asks a pregnant prostitute, "do you know who the father is?" "Hey dumb ass, she replied, if you ate a can of beans would you know which one made you fart!

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

OUT OF THE CAR – NOW!!!






An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs................... "I have a gun, & I know how to use it! Get out of the car - NOW !"



The four men didn't wait for a second threat. They got out and ran like mad.
The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then she realized why.





It was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a football, a Frisbee, and two 12-packs of beer in the front seat.



A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into her own car and drove to the police station to report her mistake.




The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun.



No charges were filed.



Moral of the story?


If you're going to have a senior moment...make it memorable!