[OT] Jokes page

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

When our lawn mower wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me
that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first; the truck, the car, playing golf - always something more important to me.

Finally, she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I
arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily
snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a
short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.

I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep
the driveway.'

The doctors say I will walk again, but I'll always have a limp.

Moral to this story: Marriage is a relationship in which one
person is always right, and the other is the husband.

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

How to Make a Woman Happy

It's not difficult to make a woman happy.

A man only needs to be:

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gyneacologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls
AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes
IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Show up naked

2. Bring food and maybe beer


...and people wonder why men and women are so different.

Cheers!

[Grandeman Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Grandeman]

Nice work Spara

Obviously, in the interests of saving space, you have used the short-form list of what a man needs to be/do to keep a woman happy.

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

A guy walks into a bar with a pet crocodile by his side.

He puts the crocodile up on the bar and turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this crocodile’s mouth and place my genitals inside and the crocodile will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."

The crowd murmured their approval.

The man stood up on the bar, and dropped his trousers, placing his privates in the crocodile's mouth. The crocodile closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the crocodile hard on the top of its head.

The crocodile opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try."

A hush fell over the crowd.

After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A blonde girl timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head so hard with the beer bottle."

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine.. And those who don't.

As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria. In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, Whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service

[Megalania Lurker Find all posts View Profile Close Megalania]

Apologies if this has been posted before:



Hopefully not too offensive!

[jeff s Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close jeff s]

:lol: :lol:
Never saw that and it was right in my face all this time.

Ill re-phrase that.... :shock:

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob.

So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained.

"I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the
weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared and they got on their way and they enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?"

"Yes, I do." said Bob

"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house, and pay her a visit?"

"Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"




"She just died and left me everything."

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

Thinning The Herd 2007 - Darwin Awards

Eighth Place: In Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate while trying to retrieve his car keys.

Seventh Place: A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker -- who often bragged he was "totally-zoned when he ran" -- accidentally jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily workout.

Sixth Place: While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8-foot hole for protection from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him. Jones was pronounced dead at a local hospital.

Fifth Place: Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarising. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.

Fourth Place: Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four cartridges into his mouth and pull the trigger.

Third Place: After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door, a man walked into H & J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up, and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, and several customers also drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from seven different weapons. No one else was hurt.

HONOURABLE MENTION: Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at 2 A.M. so they lit a quarter stick of dynamite to toss out the window to create some excitement. Apparently they failed to notice the window was closed.

RUNNER UP: Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge, they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. They secured one end around Bingham's leg and tied the other to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. Bingham's foot was never located.

AND THE 2007 WINNER IS...
Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt (Paderborn , Germany) fed his constipated elephant 22 doses of a animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes, before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief.

Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the beast suddenly unloaded. The she sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that once again proves..."Shit happens!"

[Big Fella Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Big Fella]

When in New York, Kevin Rudd
would always visit his favourite strip joint.
(He said it helped him forget things.)

But, every time he walked in, one of the girls would call out
"Two hundred bucks, and I'm yours!"

"Five bucks!" Rudd would fire back, just to shut her up.

Over the years this exchange between him and the same girl
became a bit of a ritual. She'd yell "Two hundred bucks!"
and he'd fire back "Five bucks!"

Then, on one recent visit to New York,
Julia Gillard accompanied Rudd to his favourite strip joint.

As they approached the place, Rudd braced himself for "the usual offer" --
Julia would obviously wonder what it was all about.
He figured he'd better have a darn good explanation for her.

As he and Julia walked in, Rudd tried very hard to avoid the dancer's eyes.
But -- sure enough -- as they entered, the girl yelled out.


"See! That's what you get for five bucks!"

[Big Fella Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Big Fella]

MAORI CLOCK

Proudly showing off his newly-leased downtown apartment to a couple of
friends late one night, a drunk Samoan led the way to his bedroom
where there was a big brass gong hanging on the wall.

"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the friend's asked.

"Issss nod a gong. Issss a talking Maori clock" he drunkenly replied.

"A talking Maori clock - seriously?"
"Yup." "Hmmm (hic)."
"How's it work?" the second friend asked, squinting at it.
"Just watch" he said.

He picked up a hammer, gave the gong an 'ear-shattering bash' and
stepped back. His three mates stood looking at one another for a
moment in astounded silence.

Suddenly, a Maori voice from the other side of the wall screamed, "For
f*#k's sake, you stupid coconut ... it's ten past three in the f*#king
morning !!!"

[Big Fella Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Big Fella]

Three contractors . . . one from Greece, another from Tasmania and the
third from Sydney are bidding to repair the Parliament House fence.

They go with a Parliament House official to examine the fence.

The Sydney contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring,
then works some figures with a pencil.

"Well," he says. "I figure the job will run $900 . . . $400 for
materials, $400 for labor and $100 profit for me."

The Tasmanian contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then
says,

"I can do this job for $700 . . . $300 for materials, $300 for my crew
and $100 profit for me."

The Greek contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the
Parliament House official and whispers: "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says,

"You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with
such a high figure?"

"Easy" the Greek explains, "$1,000 for you, $1,000 for me and we hire
the guy from Tasmania to do the work."

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing
about being 104?' the reporter asked.
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

A 2007 study found that the average Australian walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study found that Australians drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a year.

That means, on average, Australians get about 41 miles per gallon."

Not bad eh!

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

New Wine for Seniors


California vintners, in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produces Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.

It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.

The new wine will be marketed as...

PINO MORE

I HEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE