[OT] Jokes page

[clarkie383 Member Find all posts View Profile Close clarkie383]

Tom finally decided to tie the knot with his long-time girlfriend.



One evening, after the honeymoon, he was welding some stuff for fun.



His new wife was standing there at the bench watching him.



After a long period of silence she finally spoke, "Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we are married maybe it's time you quit spending all your time out here in the shop.



You probably should just consider selling all your welders along with your gun collection and that stupid vintage Harley-Davidson.



Tom got a horrified look on his face.



She said, "Darling, what's wrong?"



He replied, "There for a minute you were starting to sound like my ex-wife."







"Ex-wife!" she screamed, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!" Tom replied: "I wasn't."

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

GOD & LAWN CARE



You will chuckle as you read this ..... because as stupid as it may sound,

this is exactly what we do!





GOD to ST. FRANCIS:

Frank, ... You know all about gardens and nature. What in

the world is going on down there on the planet? What

happened to the dandelions, violets, milkweeds and stuff

I started eons ago? I had a perfect no-maintenance garden

plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand

drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the

long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and

flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of

colours by now. But, all I see are these green rectangles.

St. FRANCIS:

It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites.

They started calling your flowers 'weeds' and went to

great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.

GOD:

Grass? But, it's so boring. It's not colourful. It doesn't

attract butterflies, birds and bees; only grubs and sod

worms. It's sensitive to temperatures. Do these

Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?

ST. FRANCIS:

Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it

and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing

grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.

GOD:

The spring rains and warm weather probably make

grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.

ST. FRANCIS:

Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they

cut it - sometimes twice a week.

GOD:

They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?

ST. FRANCIS:

Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.

GOD:

They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?

ST. FRANCIS:

No, Sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.

GOD:

Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so

it will grow. And, when it does grow, they cut it off

and pay to throw it away?

ST. FRANCIS:

Yes, Sir.

GOD:

These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer

when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat.

That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.

ST. FRANCIS:

You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass

stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay

more money to water it, so they can continue to mow

it and pay to get rid of it.

GOD:

What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees.

That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself.

The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty

and shade in the summer. In the autumn, they fall to

the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture

in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. It's a

natural cycle of life.

ST. FRANCIS:

You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have

drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they

rake them into great piles and pay to have them

hauled away.

GOD:

No!? What do they do to protect the shrub and

tree roots in the winter to keep the soil moist and loose?

ST. FRANCIS:

After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy

something which they call mulch. They haul it home

and spread it around in place of the leaves.

GOD:

And where do they get this mulch?

ST. FRANCIS:

They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.

GOD:

Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore.

St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie

have you scheduled for us tonight?



ST. CATHERINE:

'Dumb and Dumber', Lord. It's a story about....



GOD:

Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story

from St. Francis.

[Puddock Junior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Puddock]

A man gave me an elephant. To put in my room. I said "Thanks". He said, "Don't mention it"

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board, but only 4 parachutes.

The first passenger, Holly Madison said, _"I have my own reality show and I am the smartest and prettiest woman at playboy, so Americans don't want me to die.” She took the first pack and jumped out of the plane.

The second passenger, John McCain, said, "I’m a senator, and a decorated war hero from an elite navy unit from the united states of America." So he grabbed the second pack and jumped.

The third passenger, Donald Trump said, "I am going to be the next president of the united states, I am the smartest man in our country, and I will make America great again" . So he grabbed the pack next to him and jumped out.

The fourth passenger, Billy Graham, said to the fifth passenger, a 10-year-old schoolgirl, "I have lived a full life and served my God the best I could. I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute. " The little girl said, "that's okay, Mr. Graham. There's a parachute left for you. The smartest man in America took my schoolbag ."

[MidLifeCrisis Out of control poster! Find all posts View Profile Close MidLifeCrisis]

A man gave me an elephant. To put in my room. I said "Thanks". He said, "Don't mention it"

..... read it a few times now, still don't get it....

[Guest Close Guest]

A man gave me an elephant. To put in my room. I said "Thanks". He said, "Don't mention it"

..... read it a few times now, still don't get it....

If you say there is an elephant in the room, you mean that there is an obvious problem or difficult situation that people do not want to talk about.

Get it?

[MidLifeCrisis Out of control poster! Find all posts View Profile Close MidLifeCrisis]

If you say there is an elephant in the room, you mean that there is an obvious problem or difficult situation that people do not want to talk about.

Get it?

OIC.My apologies, I've been busy running for preselection in the US of A. The disguise they gave me is shocking, especially the hairpiece that blows off to one side.

[ntp Addicted PP Member Find all posts View Profile Close ntp]

If you say there is an elephant in the room, you mean that there is an obvious problem or difficult situation that people do not want to talk about.

Get it?

As the Elephant said, it's something I'll never forget.

[Ozpat Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close Ozpat]

A lonely widow, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married again. She put an ad in the local paper that read:
Husband wanted. Must be in my age group (70s), must not run around on me, must not beat me and must still be good in bed. All applicants please apply in person.


On the second day, she heard the doorbell.
Much to her surprise (and dismay), she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair.
He had no arms or legs.

The old woman said, 'You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you...you have no legs.’
The old man smiled, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on you'
She snorted. 'You don't have any arms either'
Again, the old man smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat you'
She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in bed?'
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, 'I rang the doorbell didn't I?'

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

Donald Trump honored by Native Americans

Donald Trump addressed a major gathering of the American Indian Nation. He spoke for almost an hour about his plans for increasing every Native American's present standard of living. Though vague in detail , he spoke about his ideas for helping his "red sisters and brothers."


Afterwards, the Tribes presented him with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name, "Walking Eagle", which he proudly accepted.

After Trump left, a news reporter asked the chiefs how they came to select this name. They explained that "Walking Eagle" is the name given to a bird so full of shit that it can no longer fly.

[Ozpat Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close Ozpat]

A preacher was completing a temperance sermon. With great expression he said,
"If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
With even greater emphasis, he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
And then, finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
He sat down.
The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a pleasant smile,
"For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365: 'Shall We Gather At the River

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

IRISH OR ITALIAN ...?



There were two Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola,

whose lives paralleled each other in amazing ways. In the same year

Timothy was born in Ireland , Antonio was born in Italy .

Faithfully they attended School from kindergarten through their

senior year in high school. They took their vows to enter the Priesthood

early in College, and upon graduation, became Priests.

Their careers had come to amaze the world, but it was generally

acknowledged that Antonio Secola was just a wee cut above Timothy Murphy

in all respects.

Their rise through the ranks of Bishop, Archbishop and finally Cardinal

was swift to say the least and the Catholic world knew that when the present

Pope died, it would be one of the two who would become the next Pope.

In time the Pope did die, and the College of Cardinals went to work. In less

time than anyone had expected, white smoke rose from the chimney and

the world waited to see whom they had chosen.

The world, Catholic, Protestant and secular, was surprised to learn

that Timothy Murphy had been elected Pope!

Antonio Secola was beyond surprise. He was devastated,because

even with all of Timothy's gifts, Antonio knew he was just a bit

better qualified.

With gall that shocked the Cardinals, Antonio Secola asked for

a private session with them in which he candidly asked: "Why Timothy?"

After a long silence, an old Cardinal took pity on the bewildered man

and rose to reply.

"We knew you were the better of the two, but we just could not bear

the thought of the leader of the Roman Catholic Church being called


wait for it........


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POPE SE-COLA !



*You know you're going to pass it on to Catholic

and non-Catholic friends alike !*

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

Understanding Engineers
*Understanding Engineers #1*
Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one
said,” Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied,
"Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business,
when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took
off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The first engineer
nodded approvingly and said,"Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't
have fit you anyway.

*Understanding Engineers #2*
To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is
half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
*Understanding Engineers #3*
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a
particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those
guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed
in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!" The priest said,
"Here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said,
"Hello George, What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather
slow, aren't they? "The greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of
blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last
year, so we always let them play for free anytime!" The group fell silent
for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a
special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to
contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything she can do
for them." The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?

*Understanding Engineers #4*
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.

*Understanding Engineers #5*
The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate
with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an
accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with an arts
degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?”

*Understanding Engineers #6*
Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers
believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

*Understanding Engineers #7*
An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and
said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over,
picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and
said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay
with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket,
smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If
you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one
week and do anything you want." Again, the engineer took the frog out,
smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked,
"What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll
stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss
me?" The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a
girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that's cool."

*And finally...*

Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top.
A woman walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find
the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder."
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and
laid the pole down on the ground.
Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement,
announced, "Twenty-one feet, six inches," and walked away. One engineer
shook his head and laughed, "A lot of good that does us. We ask for the
height and she gives us the length!" Both engineers have since quit their
engineering jobs and are currently serving as elected members of Congress.

[ntp Addicted PP Member Find all posts View Profile Close ntp]

Was wondering how popular this new funeral trend for glass coffins will become? Still remains to be seen.

[Ian Reid Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close Ian Reid]

Politicians explained