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  • Buttock tattoo terror lands Rotherham pair in hospital [ 2016-11-07]



    A furious row has broken out between a local tattoo artist and his client after what started out as a routine inking session, left both requiring emergency hospital treatment.

    Furious film fan and part time plus size model Tracey Munter (23), had visited the Ink It Good Tattoo Emporium on Wellgate last week to have the finishing touches applied to a double buttock representation of the chariot race scene from the iconic 1959 film, Ben Hur. Tattooist Jason Burns takes up the story.

    “It was a big job in more ways than one.” he told us “I’d just lit a roll up and was finishing off a centurion’s helmet. It’s delicate, close work. Next thing is, I sense a slight ripple in the buttock cleavage area just around Charlton Heston’s whip, and a hissing sound – more of a whoosh than a rasp – and before I know what’s happening, there’s a flame shooting from her arse to my fag and my beard's gone up like an Aussie bush fire.”

    Jason says he rushed to the studio sink to quell the flames, only to turn around and see Tracey frantically fanning her buttock area with a damp towel. The flames had travelled down the gas cloud and set fire to her thong which was smoking like a cheap firework.

    “To be honest”, said Jason, “I didn’t even realise she was wearing one. You’d need a sodding mining licence and a torch to find out for sure. She could have had a complete wardrobe in there and I’d have been none the wiser.”

    Jason and Tracey were taken to Rotherham District Hospital Accident & Emergency department where they were treated for minor burns and shock. Both are adamant that the other is to blame.

    “I’m furious” said Jason, “I’ve got a face like a mange-ridden dog and my left eyebrows not there anymore. I don’t know about Ben Hur – Gone with The Wind’s more like it. You don’t just let rip in someone’s face like that. It’s dangerous.”

    But Tracey remains both angry and unrepentant; “I’m still in agony,” she said, “and Charlton Heston looks more like Sidney-bloody-Poitier now. Jason shouldn’t have had a fag on the go and there’s no way I’d guff on purpose. He’d had me on all fours for nearly an hour. I can only put up with that for so long before nature takes its course. My Kev knows that. I give him my five second warning and I’d have done the same for Jason, but I didn’t get chance – it just crept out.”

    Ted Walters from the South Yorkshire Fire & Rescue service wasn’t surprised when we told him what had happened “People just don’t appreciate the dangers", he told us, “We get called out to more flatulence ignition incidents than kitchen fires these days, now people have moved over to oven chips. We have a slogan ‘Flame ‘n fart – keep ’em apart’. Anyone engaging in an arse-inking scenario would do well to bear that in mind in future.”
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    • I was in a pet shop when I noticed a Muslim with the most amazingly coloured parrot perched on her shoulder.
      "Where did you get that from ?" I asked.

      " Birmingham !!!... There's f---- thousands of 'em!" ........said the Parrot.
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      • Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly Jumped into the deep end.

        He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

        Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

        When she went to tell Edna the news she said,
        'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

        The bad news is Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

        Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.
        How soon can I go home?'


        Happy Mental Health Day!

        You can do your bit by remembering to send an email to an unstable friend...

        THIS WAS MEANT IN A GOOD WAY, FROM ONE UNSTABLE FAMILY MEMBER OR FRIEND TO ANOTHER
        Done my part!!!
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        • God visited a woman and told her she must give up smoking, drinking and unmarried sex if she wants to get into heaven. The woman said she would try her best.

          God visited the woman a week later to see how she was getting on. "Not bad" said the woman, "I've given up smoking and drinking but then I bent over to get some stuff out of the freezer and my boyfriend pulled up my skirt, pulled my panties to one side and made love to me right then and there."

          "They don't like that in heaven, said God.

          The woman replied: "They're not too happy about it in Costco, either!"
          Jon
          Avid PP Poster!
          Last edited by Jon; 16-06-2017, 04:41 PM.
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          • Little Johnny...

            The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.

            Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad’s farm, and we all saw his pet sheep.

            It was fascinating”.

            The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word “fascinate, not fascinating”.

            Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated”. The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate”.

            Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.

            She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate” so she called on him.

            Johnny said, “My aunt Narelle has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!”

            The teacher sat down and cried.





            GOSH – I love this little b****d!!!
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            • A muslim neighbour was all pleased with himself.

              He managed to get the entire quran on a CD.

              I said "Can you burn me a copy?"

              That's when the fighting started.
              [SIZE=1]Cheers Jim.
              [/SIZE][COLOR=#0000cd]
              2009 120 D4D VX auto, pearl white with [COLOR=#0000cd]matching ARB deluxe bar,[/COLOR] 2" lift with [COLOR=#0000cd]OME springs & Nitro shocks,[/COLOR] 9000lb Warn winch, BFG KO A/Ts, Alloy Rhino roof basket, Safari snorkel, 2 x Optima D27F batteries, Voltage booster from Leigh, Jawa [SIZE=1]off-road camper trailer.[/SIZE][/COLOR]

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              • Mike and Yvonne were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years.

                Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they carefully watched their pennies.
                <25171C86AFD64BFCB4EB81EF31510 228.jpg>


                Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to Yvonne's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.

                One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.


                <0B18E9A01CFA4D96BC28FDBFEB035 268.jpg>

                They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'
                <06E99205283A4E11B202E2EE67B4F F24.jpg> Mike asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'
                Mike looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth..
                'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled Mike..
                'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'
                <7167DD03A47E489BBCDD8EB7C093E F73.jpg>

                Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch.
                'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to Mike. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'

                Mike looked around and nervously asked Yvonne 'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?'

                'That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!'

                'No gym to work out at?' said Mike

                'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.

                'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'

                'Never again'



                Mike glared at Yvonne and said, 'You and your F#####g Bran Flakes. We could have been here years ago!'



                Have A Happy Life And Give someone A Smile.
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                • Elderly computer users.

                  >>
                  >> The last one is absolutely the best!!!
                  >>
                  >> Ever dealt with tech support on your computer? Most of us have, and we can almost hear these phone conversations.
                  >>
                  >> Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
                  >>
                  >> Customer: A white one...
                  >>
                  >> Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
                  >>
                  >> Customer: Your left or my left?
                  >>
                  >> Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'can’t find printer’.
                  >>
                  >> I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it..
                  >>
                  >> Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
                  >>
                  >> Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer? <davecabunoc
                  >>
                  >> Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
                  >>
                  >> Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
                  >>
                  >> Customer: OK
                  >>
                  >> Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
                  >>
                  >> Customer: Yes
                  >>
                  >> Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in.
                  >>
                  >>
                  >>
                  >> Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
                  >>
                  >> Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
                  >>
                  >> Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
                  >>
                  >> Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
                  >>
                  >> Customer: Five dots.
                  >>
                  >>
                  >>
                  >> Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
                  >>
                  >> Customer: Netscape.
                  >>
                  >> Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
                  >>
                  >> Customer: Oh, sorry... Internet Explorer..
                  >>
                  >>
                  >>
                  >> Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
                  >>
                  >>
                  >>
                  >> Tech support: How may I help you?
                  >>
                  >> Customer: I'm writing my first email.
                  >>
                  >> Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
                  >>
                  >> Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the little circle around it?
                  >>
                  >>
                  >>
                  >> This one and the next are our personal favorites!
                  >>
                  >> A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
                  >>
                  >> Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
                  >>
                  >> Customer: 'No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point.
                  >>
                  >> The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine.'
                  >>
                  >> And last but not least!
                  >>
                  >> Tech support: 'Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time.
                  >>
                  >> That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager.'
                  >>
                  >> Customer: I don't have a P.
                  >>
                  >> Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
                  >>
                  >> Customer: What do you mean?
                  >>
                  >> Tech support: 'P'.....on your keyboard, Bob.
                  >>
                  >> Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT
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                  • An Adult FAIRY TALE.....


                    >>
                    >> Once upon a time there lived a King who had the most beautiful daughter.
                    >> But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.
                    >> No matter what:
                    >> Metal
                    >> Wood
                    >> Stone
                    >> Anything she touched would melt.
                    >> Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.
                    >> The King despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?
                    >> He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the King,
                    >> 'If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured.'
                    >> The King was overjoyed and came up with a plan.
                    >> The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an
                    >> object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the King's wealth.
                    >> THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.
                    >>
                    >>
                    >> The first brought a sword of the finest steel. But alas, when the Princess touched it, it melted.
                    >> The prince went away sadly
                    >> The second prince brought diamonds. He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt.
                    >> But alas, once the Princess touched them, they melted. He too was sent away disappointed.
                    >> The third prince approached. He told the Princess,
                    >> 'Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there.'
                    >> The Princess did as she was told, though she turned red.
                    >> She felt something very hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!!!
                    >> The King was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed.
                    >> And the Prince married the Princess and they both lived happily ever after
                    >> Question: What was in the Prince's pants
                    >>
                    >>
                    >>
                    >>
                    >>
                    >> M&M's of course! They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
                    >> What on earth were you thinking?
                    >> I DO WORRY ABOUT YOU AT TIMES!
                    >>
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                    • Facebook for the Senior Generation:

                      For those of my generation who do not and cannot comprehend why Facebook exists, I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying the same principles.

                      Therefore, every day I walk down the street and tell people passing by what I have eaten, how I feel at the moment, what I have done the night before, what I will do later, and with whom.



                      I give them pictures of my family, my dog, and of me gardening, taking things apart in the garage, watering the lawn, standing in front of landmarks, driving around town, having lunch, and doing what anybody and everybody does every day.

                      I also listen to their conversations, give them the "thumbs up" and tell them I like them.

                      And it works just like Facebook. I already have four people following me: two police officers, a private investigator, and a psychiatrist!

                      Comment


                      • Greg - 08 D4D Prado,
                        Some trips done - Cape York, Fraser Island, Simpson Desert / Central Aust, Vic High Country.

                        Comment


                        • <worst joke nominee>

                          My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.

                          Comment


                          • Roll call on the first day of school in London, England....

                            Ahmed Al Sheriah ............................. ......"here"
                            Mustafa Al Sheriah ............................. ....."here"
                            Fatima El Bindihiri ............................. ......."here"
                            Ali Acmah Shabeeb ............................. ....."here"
                            Ali Sun Al En ..........................No answer

                            Ali Sun Al En?

                            A little girl at the back stands up and yells .... "It's pronounced Alison Allen, for Christ’s sake!
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                            • Subject: Short Love Story

                              A man and a woman, who had never met before,
                              But who were both married to other people,
                              found themselves assigned to the same sleeping
                              room on a trans-continental train.

                              []

                              Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over
                              sharing a room, they were both very tired and
                              fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth
                              and she in the lower.

                              At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke
                              the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you,
                              but would you be willing to reach into the closet
                              to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

                              "I have a better idea," she replied "Just for tonight,
                              let's pretend that we're married."

                              "Wow! That's a great idea!," he exclaimed.

                              "Good," she replied "Get your own ******* blanket."

                              After a moment of silence, he farted.
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                              • A farmer goes to a livestock dealer and buys an anvil, a bucket, two chickens, and a goose. The farmer looks at his purchases and says, “Damn, I WALKED here. How am I gonna carry all this home?
                                The livestock dealer said, “Why don’t you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?” “Hey, thanks!” the farmer said, and off he went.
                                While walking home he met a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, “Can you tell me how to get to 1515 Mockingbird Lane?”
                                The farmer said, “Well, as a matter of fact, I live just down the road from there. Let’s take my short cut and go down this alley. We’ll be there in no time.”
                                The little old lady said, “I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won’t hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?”
                                The farmer said, “Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?”
                                She replied, “Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket … and I’ll hold the chickens.”

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