[OT] Jokes page

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

Moderators please remove if deemed inappropriate !!!!

MEDIA RELEASE - From the International Cricket Council for immediate release (especially in India).

The ICC has announced several changes to the playing conditions for the forthcoming 3rd test in Perth between Australia and India. These changes include:

* India must win.

* The umpires shall be nominated by the Indian team. It will be acceptable if reserve Indian players rotate as umpires.

* During the game all appeals shall be referred to the Indian management team and the Indian media contingent prior to any decision being made. (This includes where an Indian player may appear, to the naked eye, to have been bowled.)

* When the Indian team is batting the boundary rope shall be moved inwards 20 metres.

* Australian bowlers shall bowl under arm.

* India must win.

* Any time Ricky Ponting is on the field he shall be restrained in a full length strait jacket and muzzled.

* Any Australian spin bowler must advise the batsman in advance what type of delivery is going to be bowled.

* At any time Andrew Symons is on the field he must wear a gorilla suit and accept any sledging in the light hearted manner that this is intended.

* India must win.

* Harbhajan Singh will be cleared on appeal and be nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize.

* Indian batsman may be permitted to use larger bats.

* Australian batsmen may use a bat every fifth over.

* Australian fieldsman should praise every batting attempt by the Indians by saying "Good shot chaps." Apart from this Australian players are not permitted to speak.

* During the lunch and tea break both teams shall get together and have a cup of tea.

* India must win. The ICC and the BCCI hope that all Australians will understand these minor changes are intended in the best interest of the game.

The ICC would also like to announce that Steve Bucknor has been appointed as the ICC's new cricketing ambassador to Kazikstan. The ICC wishes Steve all the best in this important, newly created role.

RIP International Cricket

[Chippy Addicted PP Member Find all posts View Profile Close Chippy]

Ageing humour

_______________________________

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?"
"98," she replied. "Two years older than me."
"So you're 96," the undertaker commented.
She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?"
__________________________________________________ __________

The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.
__________________________________________________ ___________

I've sure gotten old! I fought prostate cancer and diabetes.
I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 62 or 92.
Have lost most my friends.
But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.
__________________________________________________ __________

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
__________________________________________________ __________

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.
"Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?"
"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."
__________________________________________________ __________

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
__________________________________________________ _________

Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
__________________________________________________ __________

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.
__________________________________________________ __________

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."
__________________________________________________ __________

--- THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
__________________________________________________ ___________



Cheers
Chippy

[Big Fella Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Big Fella]

This is why women should not take men shopping
against their will.

After Mr. and Mrs. Fenton retired, Mrs. Fenton
insisted her husband
accompany her on her trips to K-Mart. Unfortunately,
Mr. Fenton was like
most men--he found shopping boring and preferred to
get in and get out
..Equally unfortunately, Mrs. Fenton was like most
women-she loved to
browse. One day Mrs. Fenton received the following
letter from her local
K-Mart.

Dear Mrs. Fenton,
Over the past six months, your husband has been
causing quite a commotion
in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may
be forced to ban
both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr.
Fenton are listed
below and are documented by our video surveillance
cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put
them in people's
carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to
go off at 5-minute
intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor
leading to the women's
restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in
an official voice,
'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away.'

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put
a bag of M&M's on
layaway.

6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to
a carpeted area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping
department and told other
shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring
pillows and blankets from
the bedding department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asked if they could help
him, he began crying
and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me
alone ?'

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera
and used it as a mirror
while he picked his nose.

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting
department, he asked
the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously
while loudly humming
the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced
his 'Madonna look' by
using different sizes of funnels.

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when
people browsed through,
yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the
loud speaker, he
assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S
THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least...

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the
door, waited awhile,
then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper
in here!'


Regards,
K-Mart

[Chuck Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close Chuck]

Oil crisis




A lot of folks can't understand how we came
To have an oil shortage here in our country.
~~~
Well, there's a very simple answer.
~~~
Nobody bothered to check the oil.
~~~
We just didn't know we were getting low.
~~~
The reason for that is purely geographical.
~~~
Our OIL is located in
~~~
Bass Strait
~~~
East Queensland Shale Fields
~~~
Canning Basin
~~~
Perth Basin
and
North-West Continental Shelf
~~~


Our
DIPSTICKS
Are located in
Canberra!!!

Any Questions ???
NO?
I didn't Think So.

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

Caution... They Walk Among Us!


One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone
shouted....'Look at that dead bird!' Someone looked up at the sky and
said...'where???'


While looking at a house, my brother asked the estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?' When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, 'Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff.'



My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we
overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn
she got on her weekend drive to the beach. She drove down in a convertible, but 'didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving'.



I told the girl at the steakhouse register that I wanted the half kilogram
sirloin. She informed me they only had an 500g sirloin. Not wanting to
make a scene, I told her I would take the 500g steak instead of the
half-kgr.

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car it's designed to cut through a
seat belt if she gets trapped She keeps it in the boot...

I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring
attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, 'Wouldn't the chain rip
out every time she turned her head?' I had to explain that a person's nose
and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is
turned...

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the
lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up.
She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me, 'Has your plane arrived yet?'...



While working at a pizza parlour I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding.
'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6
pieces.

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

GOVERNMENT HEALTH WARNING



DO NOT SWALLOW BUBBLE-GUM !!

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

Good Housekeeping Tip

Always keep several get well cards on the mantel .... so if unexpected guests arrive, they will think you've been sick and unable to clean.

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

WHO CARES HOW OLD YOU ARE,


LIVE LIFE TO THE FULLEST...



'Life's Journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a

well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways,

totally worn out, shouting, ' Holy sh!t... What a Ride!! '

[plucker Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close plucker]

A bloke comes home from a hard days work and sits down in front of the telly. He yells to his wife, "Quick get me a beer before it starts."
The wife sympathises and gets the beer.
Not long after the bloke has finished his beer and yells out again, "Quick get me a beer before it starts."
The wife does so with agitation.
Shortly after, the bloke once again yells, "Quick get me a beer before it starts."
The wife is now furious and comes out yelling that she has been cooking and cleaning all day, washing and ironing, looking after thier kids and is now trying to cook the meal and if he wants a beer he can get off his fat arse and get it himself.




Which he replies, "Oh shit, it's started already."

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLDer AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.

George Phillips of Gold Coast, Australia was going up to bed when his wife
told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see
from the bedroom window. ( Boy does this sound familiar! )

George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there
were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked 'Is someone in your house?' and he said
'no'. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply
lock his door and an officer would be along when available. George said,
'Okay,' hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

'Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people
stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them.' Then he hung up.

Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response Unit, and an
ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars
red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George: 'I thought you said that you'd shot
them!'

George said, 'I thought you said there was nobody available!'

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City,
where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the
value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The
shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go
up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the
building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the
first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

"That's nice," she thinks, "but I want more."

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good
Looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good
Looking and Help With Housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous,
Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where
the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no
men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are
impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New
Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like
beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been
visited.

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City,
where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the
value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The
shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go
up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the
building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the
first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

"That's nice," she thinks, "but I want more."

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good
Looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good
Looking and Help With Housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous,
Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where
the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no
men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are
impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New
Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like
beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been
visited.

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

DIFFERENT WAYS OF LOOKING AT THINGS

Two blokes were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values. Bazza said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, Did you?

"Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?"

----------------------------------------------------------

A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?"

The father replied. "Well son, you must have got it from your mother, 'cause I still have mine."

---------------------------------------------------------

"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce Court Judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week."

"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a dollar or two myself."

---------------------------------------------------------

A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all."

"Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids".

-----------------------------------------------------------

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you".

The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

----------------------------------------------------------

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder

1. All the DNA is the same.

2. There are no dental records.

----------------------------------------------------------

A blonde calls Virgin Air and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from Sydney to Adelaiade ?"

The agent replies, "Just a minute.."

"Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.

----------------------------------------------------------

Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion."

Joe: "Really?"

Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell."

----------------------------------------------------------

A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling. "I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery," he answered.

"What did he say," asked the nurse.

"OOPS"

------------------------------------------------------------

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.

"What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?"

"Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one."

He's still in intensive care.

[Chuck Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close Chuck]

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.'


So he tied her up and went golfing.

[Chuck Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close Chuck]

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman.

Many females use a date rape drug on the market called 'Beer.'

The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large 'kegs'. Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them. A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women whom they would never normally be attracted.

After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that 'something bad' occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as 'a relationship.'

In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as 'marriage.' Men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

Please! Forward this warning to every male you know.

If you fall victim to this 'Beer' scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men. For the support group nearest you, just look up Golf Courses' in the phone book.