[OT] Jokes page

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

The Australian Poetry Competition came down to two finalists;
A university graduate and an old aboriginal.
They were allowed two minutes to come up with a poem that contained the word 'TIMBUKTU'
First to recite his poem was the graduate. He stepped to the mike and said:





Slowly across the desert sand,
Trekked a lonely caravan
Men on camels two by two
Destination - Timbuktu.



The crowd went crazy! No way could the old aboriginal top that they thought.
The old aboriginal then went to the mike and recited:





Me and Tim ahuntin' went
Met three whores in a pop up tent
They were three, and we was two
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.

The aboriginal won!

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

A Qld farmer got in his ute and drove to a neighbouring farm and knocked at

the farmhouse door. A young boy, about nine, opened the door.



"Is your Dad home"? the farmer asked.



"Sorry mate, he isn't" the boy replied "He went into town."



"Well," said the farmer, "Is your mum here"?



"No, sir, she's not here either. She went into town with Dad."



"How about your brother, Greg? Is he here"?



"He went with Mum and Dad."



The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the

other and mumbling to himself.



"Is there anything I can do for ya"? the boy asked politely. "I know where

all the tools are if you want to borrow one. Or maybe, I could take a

message for Dad."



"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your

Dad. It's about your brother Greg getting my daughter pregnant."



The boy considered for a moment.



"You would have to talk to Dad about that," he finally conceded. If it

helps you any, I know that Dad charges $200 for the bull and $150 for the

pig, but I really don't know how much he gets for Greg."

[Chippy Addicted PP Member Find all posts View Profile Close Chippy]

Because I'm a man , when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a
coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in. Calling AAA is not an
option. I will win.
__________________________________________________ _________________
Because I'm a man , when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the
hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another
man shows up, one of us will say to the other, 'I used to be able to fix
these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't
know where to start.' We will then drink a couple of beers and break
wind, as a form of holy communion.
__________________________________________________ __________

Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup
and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You
never get as sick as I do, so for you, this is no problem.
__________________________________________________ ________________

Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at
the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items
like 'cumin' or 'tofu.' For all I know, these are the same thing.
__________________________________________________ ________________

Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will
insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me
twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back
together.
__________________________________________________ ________________

Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand
while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole
show looking for it, though one time I was able to survive by holding a
calculator instead (applies to engineers only)
__________________________________________________ ________________

Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about.
The true answer is always either sex, cars, sex, sports, sex, beer or
sex. I have to make up something else when you ask, so just don't ask.
__________________________________________________ ________________

Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie.
Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't . . . but if
you are feeling amorous afterwards . . then I will certainly at least
remember the name and recommend it to others.
__________________________________________________ ________________

Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what
you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is
fine. The dress, with the belt or without it, looks fine. It does not make
your ass look too big. It was the pasta and potatoes and margaritas that did that.
Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
__________________________________________________ _________________

Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2008, I will share
equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the

cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest.

Like wandering around in the garage, wondering what to do.
__________________________________________________ _________________

This has been a public service message for women to better understand men.


Cheers
Chippy

[navy1430 Member Find all posts View Profile Close navy1430]

This morning I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who
called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around.


We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used
to enjoy together.


I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up
and rekindling a little of that 'old magic'.


'Wow!' I was flabbergasted.


'I don't know if I could keep pace with you now', I said, 'I'm a bit
older and a bit grayer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don't
really have the energy I used to have.'


She just giggled and said she was sure I would 'rise to the challenge'.


'Yeah.' I said. 'Just so long as you don't mind a guy with a waistline
that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of
muscle tone...everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I
am developing jowls like a Great Dane!'

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She teased me saying
that tubby, gray haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still
be a great lover.


Anyway, she giggled and said, 'I've put on a few pounds myself!'


So I told her to F@#$ off

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married....

The other night I was invited out for a night with the "girls."
I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.
Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up
and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted
solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

(Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 cuckoos MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him
"MIDNIGHT"... he didn't seem p1ssed off in the least.

Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said "We need a new cuckoo
clock."

When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed
three times, then said "oh sh1t." Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its
throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and f4rted.

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

STOP CHOKING - AUSSIE STYLE

A woman sitting in an Adelaide Pub suddenly began to cough.
After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress,
and two locals, Bluey and Bazza sitting at the next table turned to look at her.

Ken ya swaller? asked Bluey

The woman signalled 'No!', desperately shaking her head.

Kin ya breathe?" asked Bazza. The woman shook her head No!!!

With that, Bluey walked behind her, lifted up the back of her dress,
yanked down her knickers and ran his tongue up and down the crack of
her butt.

This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again.

Bluey swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his beer.

Bazza said in admiration "Ya know Bluey, I'd heard of that bloody
Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but that's the first time I ever seen
somebody do it."

[Chippy Addicted PP Member Find all posts View Profile Close Chippy]

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

What is the speed of darkness?

If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?

If it's true that we are here to help others, what are the others doing here?
Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?

Do you cry under water?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Did you ever stop and wonder......

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze
these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's bum."

Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the toilet is?

Why does your Obstetrician, Gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway ?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs !

Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream ??

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from ?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons ?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Stop singing and read on . . . . . . . . .. .

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?


Cheers
Chippy

[Shell Member Find all posts View Profile Close Shell]

A married couple are driving along a highway doing a steady 60 miles
per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across
at her and speaks in a clear voice. "I know we've been married for twenty
years, but I want a divorce."

The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly
increases her speed to 65 mph. The husband speaks again.

"I don't want you to try and talk me out of it," He says, "because
I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a far better
lover than you are."

Again the wife stays quiet, But grips the steering wheel more tightly
and slowly increases the speed to 75.

He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently..

Up to 80. "I want the car, too," he continues.

85 mph. "And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit
cards and the boat!"

The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge.
This makes him nervous, so he asks her, "Isn't there anything you want?"

The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice.

"No, I've got everything I need," she says.

"Oh, really," he inquires, "so what have you got??"

Just before they slam into the wall at 85 mph, the wife turns to him
and smiles. "The airbag."

Moral of the Story :

Women are crazy!!!!
Don't mess with them!!

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

The three Dolls in a man's life........



1........His Daughter, 'Baby doll'




2.......His Mistress, 'Barbie Doll'




3.........His Wife, 'Panadol'

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was REALLY angry. She told him, 'Tomorrow morning I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less then 6 seconds AND IT HAD BETTER BE THERE!!'
The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, his wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Ed has been missing since Friday. Please pray for him...

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

A mother had 3 daughters. They were all getting married within a short time period. Because mom was a bit worried about how their sex lives would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but "Nescafe." Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: "Good till the last drop." Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Benson & Hedges." Mom now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the Benson & Hedges pack: "Extra Long. King Size." She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by, and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived.

Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words: "British Airways." Mom took out her latest Harper's Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for the airline. The ad said: "Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways." Mom fainted.

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female.

Here are some examples:
FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again.
They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong
buttons.

TYRES: Tyres are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go
anywhere, you have to light a fire under their arse

SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGES:
Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.

TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.

EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.

THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would
be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

Retirement to Alaska

Jim had been in the liquor business for 25 years.
Finally sick of the stress he quits his job and buys
50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as
possible.

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries
once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation,
someone knocks on his door.

He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing
there.

"Name's Cliff, your neighbor from forty miles up the
road. Having a Christmas party Friday night.
Thought you might like to come. About 5:00."

"Great," says Jim, "after six months out here I'm
ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."

As Cliff is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you. Be
some drinkin'."

"Not a problem" says Jim. "After 25 years in the
business, I can drink with the best of 'em."

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More
'n' likely, gonna be some fightin' too."

"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right.
I'll be there. Thanks again."

"More'n likely, be some wild sex, too."

"Now that's really not a problem" says Jim, warming
to the idea. "I've been all alone for six months!
I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I
wear?"

"Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us."

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

Queen Elizabeth and



Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.

Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.
The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.
Dolly takes off her top and says,
"Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts


God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity."

The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks

Her Majesty the same question.

The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse,

shakes it up, and gargles. Then, she spits into a toilet and pulls the lever.

The Angel says, "OK, your Majesty, you may go in."
Dolly is outraged and asks, "What was that all about? I show you two
of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She spits into a
commode and she gets in! Would you explain that to me?""Sorry, Dolly," says the Angel, "but even in Heaven,

a royal flush

beats a pair -

no matter how big they are.

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

LIZARDS AND KIDS - 101

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out loud!
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.
"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"
I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom.
One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.
"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"
"Oh, my gosh!" my wife exclaimed. "She's having babies."
"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"
I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I said accusingly to my wife.
"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!)
"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me (again with the sarcasm!).
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.
"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."
"Oh, gross!" they shrieked.
"Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know.
We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.
"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.
"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.
"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
"Okay, okay."
Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug.
It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.
"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)
"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.
We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.
"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.
"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.
"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.
"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"
I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside. "Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen.
"Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . . um . . .masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife.
We were silent, absorbing this.
"So, Ernie's just... just... excited?" my wife offered.
"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
More silence.
Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.
"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.
Tears were now running down her face. "It's just... that... I'm picturing you pulling on its... its... teeny little....."
She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.
"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.
"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad," he told me.
"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

Two lizards: $140.
One cage: $50.
Trip to the vet: $30.
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie:

Priceless!

Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class - lizards lay eggs!