[OT] Jokes page

[Chippy Addicted PP Member Find all posts View Profile Close Chippy]

Things Got Ya Down?

Well Then, Consider These . .

.............................

In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 a.m., regardless of their medical condition.

This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 a.m Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents.

The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 am., all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits.

Just when the clock struck 11:00 , Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.

Still Having a Bad Day????

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaska was $80,000.00.
At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers.

A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.

Still think you are having a Bad Day????

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places.

Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

Are Ya OK Now? - No?

Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly.

The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.

What?!? STILL having a Bad Day????

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "Return to Sender" stamped on it.

Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits. God is Good!

There now, Feeling Better???

Cheers
Chippy

[navy1430 Member Find all posts View Profile Close navy1430]

On their 35th anniversary, a wife found the negligee she wore on her
wedding night and put it on. She went to her husband, a retired Army
Sergeant Major, and asked, Honey, do you remember this?"

He looked up from his newspaper and said; "Yes dear, I do. You wore that
same negligee the night we were married"

She said, "Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that
night?

He nodded and said "Yes dear, I said; Oh baby, I'm going to suck the
life out of those boobs and screw your brains out."

She giggled and said; "That's exactly what you said.
So now it's Thirty five years later, and I'm in the same negligee. What
do you have to say tonight?"

He looked her up and down and said, "Mission Accomplished"


Cheers
Navy

[Chippy Addicted PP Member Find all posts View Profile Close Chippy]

An Irishman walked into a bar in Dublin, ordered three pints of Guinness and sat in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finished all three, he came back to the bar and ordered three more.

The bartender said to him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it, it would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The Irishman replied, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we all drank together."

The bartender admitted that this is a nice custom, and left it there.

The Irishman became a regular in the bar and always drank the same way, by ordering three pints and drinking the three pints by taking a drink from each of them in turn.

One day, he came in and ordered two pints. All the other regulars in the bar noticed and fell silent.

When he came back to the bar for the second round, the bartender said, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."

The Irishman looked confused for a moment, then the light dawned in his eye and he laughed.

"Oh, no," he said, "Everyone is fine. It's me......I've quit drinking!"

Cheers
Chippy

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

Biker Bar

A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake. He finds
his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there
for a while, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky
voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I
think it's only fair, since you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. Blonde with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still??? wanna? tell?
that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,
"No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

Johnny wanted to screw a girl in his office.....but
she belonged to someone else...

One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to
her and said I'll give you a £1000 if you let me screw you....but the
girl said NO. Johnny said I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the
floor, you bend down, I'll be finished by the time you pick it up. She
thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult
her boyfriend.....so she called her boyfriend and told
him the story. Her boyfriend says ask him for £2000,
pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to
get his pants down.

So she agrees and accepts the proposal.
Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for
his girlfriend to call. Finally after 45 mins the
boyfriend calls and asks what happened......

She said "The bastard used coins"

Management lesson: Always consider a business proposal
in it's entirety before agreeing to it and then
getting screwed!

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

>
>>
>>> The value of a drink.
>>> Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame. Then
>>> I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and
>>> all of their hopes and
>>> dreams ... If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and
>>> their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better
>>> that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish
>>> and worry about my liver." ~ Jack Handy
>>>
>>> WARNING:
>>> The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher,
>>> smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
>>> "I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the
>>> morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. "~Frank
>>> Sinatra
>>>
>>> WARNING:
>>> The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing
>>> WITH you.
>>> "When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading." ~ Henry
>>> Youngman
>>>
>>> WARNING:
>>> The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
>>> "24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?" ~ Stephen Wright
>>>
>>> WARNING:
>>> The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
>>> "With out question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is
>>> beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the
>>> wheel does not go
>>> nearly as well with pizza." ~ Dave Barry
>>>
>>> WARNING:
>>> The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing really badly.
>>>
>>> WARNING:
>>> The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and
>>> over again that you love them.
>>> And
>>> saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers. One
>>> afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin explained the Buffalo
>>>
>>> Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:
>>> "Well ya see, Norm, it's like this...
>>> A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when
>>> the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that
>>> are killed first This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole,
>>> because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving
>>> by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the
>>> human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells.
>>> Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But
>>> naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this
>>> way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells,
>>> making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you
>>> always feel smarter after a few beers."
>>>
>>> WARNING:
>>> The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when
>>> you are not.
>>>

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, 'SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD.' WELL.. YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE.

MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.

SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS ALMOST 50 YEARS AGO. COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN? UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.

THIS BAL DING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.

AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED WAUKEGAN HIGH SCHOOL.

"YES. YES, I DID. I'M A BULLDOG," HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.

"WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE? " I ASKED.

HE ANSWERED, "IN 1957. WHY DO YOU ASK?"

"YOU WERE IN MY CLASS! ", I EXCLAIMED.

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY. THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, BALD, WRINKLED, FAT ASS, GRAY-HAIRED, DECREPIT SON-OF-A-BITCH ASKED, "WHAT DID YOU TEACH?"

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

Australian
Citizenship Test
The Australian citizenship test has been designed to assist people who want to become
Australian citizens gain an understanding of Australia’s values, traditions, history and national
symbols.
The test is an important part of ensuring that migrants have the capacity to fully participate in
the Australian community as citizens and maximise the opportunities available to them in
Australia. It will promote social cohesion and successful integration into the community.
Test Rules
There are some basic rules which you must follow during the test:
- Test is timed - You will be allowed 45 minutes to complete the test (or 90 minutes in
the case of an assisted test). No additional time will be made available.
- This is a closed book test - You must not bring any test resource material into the testing
centre (this includes note paper, the Becoming an Australian Citizen resource book,
study notes, etc).
- Personal belongings may be taken into the test site however these must be stored under
the desk for the duration of the test. Mobile phones and all other electronic
communication/gaming equipment should be switched off while you are within the test
centre.
If you do not follow these rules, you may be asked to leave the test centre and may have to sit
the test again.
Test Questions
You may begin writing only once you are advised to do so by the test supervisor.
(1) Do you understand the meaning, but are unable to explain the origin, of the term
“died in the arse”? Explain the meaning:
(2) What is a “bloody little beauty”?
(3) Are these terms related: chuck a sickie; chuck a spaz; chuck a U-ey?
Yes / No
TURN TO PAGE 2
2 CONFIDENTIAL
(4) Explain the following passage:
In the arvo last Chrissy the relos rocked up for a Barbie, some bevvies and a few
snags. After a bit of a Bex and a lie down we opened the pressies, scoffed all the
chockies, bickies and lollies. Then we drained a few tinnies and Mum did her block
after Dad and Steve had a Barney and a bit of biffo.
(5) Macca, Chooka and Wanger are driving to Surfers in their Torana. If they are
travelling at 100 km/h while listening to Barnsey, Farnsey and Acca Dacca, how
many slabs will each person on average consume between flashing a brown eye
and taking a slash?
(6) Complete the following sentences:
(a) If the van's rockin' don't bother ________________________________
(b) You're going home in the back of a _____________________________
(c) Fair crack of the ________________________________________
(7) I've had a gutful and I can't be farked. Discuss
(8) Have you ever been on the giving or receiving end of a wedgie?
Yes / No
(9) Do you have a friend or relative who has a car in their front yard "up on blocks"?
Is his name Bruce and does he have a wife called Cheryl?
Yes / No
(10) Do you or your family regularly eat a dish involving mincemeat, cabbage, curry
powder and a packet of chicken noodle soup called either chow mein, chop suey
or Kai see Ming?
Yes / No
TURN TO PAGE 3
3 CONFIDENTIAL
(11) What are the ingredients in a rissole?
(12) Describe the correct procedure for eating a Tim Tam.
(13) Do you have an Aunty Irene who smokes 30 cigarettes a day and sounds like a
bloke?
Yes / No
(14) In any two-hour period have you ever eaten three-bean salad, a chop and two
serves of pav washed down with someone else's beer that has been flogged from a
bath full of ice?
Yes / No
(15) When you go to a bring-your-own-meat Barbie can you eat other people's meat or
are you only allowed to eat your own?
(16) What purple root vegetable beginning with the letter "b" is required by law to be
included in a hamburger with the lot?
(17) Do you own or have you ever owned a lawn mower, a pair of thongs, an Esky or
Ugg boots?
Yes / No
(18) Is it possible to prang a car while doing circle work?
Yes / No
(19) Who would you like to crack on to?
(20) Who is the most Australian (pick one answer):
(a) Kevin "Bloody" Wilson
(b) John "True Blue" Williamson
(c) Kylie Minogue
(d) Warnie
TURN TO PAGE 4
4 CONFIDENTIAL
(21) Is there someone you are only mates with because they own a trailer or have a
pool?
Yes / No
(22) What do the phrases “sinkin piss at a mates joint” and “gettin paraletic” mean?
Please submit this paper back to the test supervisor when you have had a fair crack.

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her
ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together
at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.

'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could
relieve your pain if you'd allow me,' she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man
replied.

He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping
his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he
finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his
pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful
massage for several long moments and asked 'How does that feel?'

He replied, 'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.'

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two large Plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand.
Unfortunately, there's a rip in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 note falls out onto the pavement. ; Noticing this, a policeman stops her....'Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag ...
'Oh, really? Darn!' says the little old lady. 'I'd better go back and see if I can collect them. Thanks for the warning!'
'Well, now, not so fast,' says the cop. 'How did you get all that money?' 'You didn't steal it, did you?'
'Oh, no', says the little old lady. 'You see, my back yard is right next to the parking lot of the baseball Stadium.
Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee through the bushes, right into my flower beds!'
'So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone Sticks his little thingy through the bushes, I say, '$20 or off it comes'
'Well, that seems only fair.' laughs the cop. 'OK, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?'
'Well', says the little old lady, 'not everybody pays!

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

After 25 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the missus felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach.

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf.

Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, "Honey, that was wonderful. Why did you stop?"

I found the remote," he mumbled.

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.

The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest, and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started Catching monkeys again.

Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50 ! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.

In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. 'Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each.'

The villagers rounded up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys. Then they never saw the man nor his assistant, only monkeys everywhere!

Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works.

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

A fire-fighter was working on the engine outside the station when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a Garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl was wearing a fire-fighter's helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.

The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire-fighter said with admiration.
"Thanks," the girl replied. The fire-fighter looked a little closer noticed the girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar & to the cat's testicles.

"Little partner," the fire-fighter said, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."
The little girl replied thoughtfully, "You're probably right. But then, I wouldn't have a siren."

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

THE VALUE OF UNDIES

Be careful what you wear (or don't wear), when working under your
vehicle...especially in public. From The Sydney Morning Herald,
Australia, comes this story of a central west couple who drove their car
to K-Mart only to have their car break down in the parking lot.

The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the
car there in the lot.

The wife returned later to see a small group of people near their car. On
closer inspection she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the
chassis.

Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private
parts into glaringly public ones.

Unable to stand the embarrassment she dutifully stepped forward, quickly
put her hand UP his shorts and tucked everything back into place.

On regaining her feet she looked across the hood and found herself
staring at her husband who was standing idly by.

The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his head.

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist!! (true story)

Scientists at Rolls Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners and military jets, all travelling at maximum velocity. The idea was to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields. American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high-speed trains. Arrangements were made and a gun was sent to the American engineers. When the gun was fired, the engineers watched in shock as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin. The horrified engineers sent Rolls Royce the film of the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the British scientists for suggestions.
You're going to love this......

Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo..."Defrost the chicken'.