[OT] Jokes page

[Chippy Addicted PP Member Find all posts View Profile Close Chippy]

Muzza ......... THAT IS ART !!!

Cheers
Chippy

[navy1430 Member Find all posts View Profile Close navy1430]

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the Priest beside her.

"Father, may I ask a favour?"
"Of course. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid
they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvellous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father."<

[Giblet Lurker Find all posts View Profile Close Giblet]

joke

bloke rings me the other day and asks me to run in a marathon
I told him to P*ss off ..then he said " come on it's for crippled children"

and I thought.." Sh*t I could win this "

[Giblet Lurker Find all posts View Profile Close Giblet]

joke

bloke rings me the other day and asks me to run in a marathon
I told him to P*ss off ..then he said " come on it's for crippled children"

and I thought.." Sh*t I could win this "

[Chippy Addicted PP Member Find all posts View Profile Close Chippy]

Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of Lake Burley Griffin in Canberra

The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, 'I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age, we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it.'

'Well,' said the big Croc, 'what have you been eating?'

'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Croc.

'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'

'Down the other side of the lake near the parking lot by the Parliament House.'

'Same here. Hmm.. How do you catch them?'

'Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of them and eat 'em!'

'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an arsehole and a briefcase.'

[muzza Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close muzza]

well

not sure this qualifies as a joke...

"A man charges into a bank wearing a balaclava and wielding a handgun.

He shouts 'this is a raid - everyone get on the floor!!', and proceeds to
empty the cash drawers.

As he runs towards the door with the loot, a brave customer yanks off his
balaclava.

The robber immediately shoots the customer in the head and shouts. 'Did
anybody else here see my face?'


The robber notices another customer peering from behind a counter and goes
over and shoots him in the head also.

'Did anybody else see my face?' he shouts again, waving his gun around.

There is silence for a few seconds before an elderly male voice is heard
from a distant corner.

'I think my missus caught a glimpse....'"

[muzza Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close muzza]

blonde joke

A blonde gets home early from
shopping, and hears strange
noises, coming from the bedroom.

She rushes upstairs, to find her
husband naked on the bed,sweating
and panting.

"What's up?" she asks.
"I'm having a heart attack," cries
the husband.

The blonde rushes downstairs, to
grab the phone, but just as she
is dialing, her four-year-old son
comes up and says, "Mummy! Mummy!
Aunty Shirley is hiding, in your closet,
and she has got, no clothes on!"

The blonde slams the phone down,
and storms upstairs, into the bedroom.
She rushes past her husband, and rips
open the closet door. Sure enough,
there is her sister, totally naked, and
cowering on the closet floor.

"You rotten "Bitch", the blonde
screams. "My husband is having a heart
attack, and you are running around naked,
scaring my kids!?"

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

The Beaver Hunter

An 80-year-old man says to the doctor, "I've never felt better!
Life is great and I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.
"What do you think about that?"
The doctor considers his question for a minute and then begins.
"I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid trophy hunter and never misses a season.
One day, when he was going out hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.
When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver sitting beside the stream of water.
He raised his cane and went 'bang, bang'.
Suddenly, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think of that?"
The 80-year old said, "I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

[fishnut Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close fishnut]

There is a medical distinction between guts and balls

We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know
the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are given below:

GUTS
Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS
Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: 'You're next, fatty.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically speaking, there's no difference in the outcome...

[Dobbo Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close Dobbo]

One night, during the war, a british major was taking a bath in his tent.
While relaxing back, he called out for his indian servant Boodle to fetch him another glass on gin.
As Boodle turned around and went to go into the next room to make the drink, the major farted in the bath.
5 minutes later Boodle comes back in with a glass of gin and a hot water bottle in the other hand
Why did you bring a water bottle in here asked the major?
Because, said Boodle, as I was walking away I heard you say
"whataboutawaterbottleboodle"

Hope someone gets a laugh out of that cause I cacked myself when 1st heard it. I guess I love fart jokes.

cheers

[Chippy Addicted PP Member Find all posts View Profile Close Chippy]

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

"Yes", she says, "I remember it well."

OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Gordon, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence .

The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in..

Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them," Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong.
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
____________________________________________

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is ...
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
_________________________________


TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
______________________________________

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________

TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE: No, sir. It's the same dog.
___________________________________

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher.

[cjd Member Find all posts View Profile Close cjd]

The silent fart -

An elderly couple was attending church services, about halfway through

she leans over and says to her husband, ' I just let out a silent fart

what do you think I should do?'

He replies ' Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'

[suzit500 Lurker Find all posts View Profile Close suzit500]

Fannie Green

A man enters a confessional and says to the Priest, 'Father, it has been one month since my last confession: I've had sex with Fannie Green every week for the last month.'


The priest tells the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's'.'



Soon, another man enters the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession: I have had sex with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months.'



This time the priest asks, 'Who is this Fannie Green?'



'A new woman in the neighbourhood,' the sinner replies.



'Very well,' says the priest. 'Go and say ten 'Hail Mary's'.'



The next morning at mass, the Priest is preparing to deliver his homily when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the Altar. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes.



The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone-style.



The priest turns to the altar boy and whisperingly asks, 'Is that Fannie Green?'



The altar boy replies, 'No Father, I think its just the reflection off her shoes'.

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

Proof that Men Have Better Friends..

Friendship among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning
she told her husband that she had slept over at a
friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best
friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship among Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he
told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's
house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.
Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.