[OT] Jokes page

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

Subject: An Amish boy.....

An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost
everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, 'What is this, Father?'
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never
seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is'.
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a large old
lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.


The father said quietly to his son ..... 'Go get your mother.'

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

Sunday Morning Sex............

I will never hear church bells ringing again
without smiling..
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just
passed, Away,Katie went straight to her grandparent's house
to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her Grandfather had died, her
grandmother replied, He had a heart attack while we were making love on
Sunday morning.' Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people
nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

Oh no, my dear,' replied granny. 'Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and Slow and even.
Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.'

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued,
'He'd still be alive today if the ice cream truck hadn't come along.'

[Chippy Addicted PP Member Find all posts View Profile Close Chippy]

The sound of an icecream truck will never be the same again :lol: :lol: :lol:

Cheers
Chippy

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

Grounds for Divorce.


A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and
asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of
the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's
parents."
He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really
needed one."
"Please. . ." he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily
like the music, but the answer to your question is yes."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a
divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce.
My husband does. He says he can't communicate with me !!"

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure.

A young student nurse appears to give him partial sponge bath.

Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my testicles black?'

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.'

He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles black?'

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around. Then, she takes a close look and says, 'There's nothing wrong with them, Sir !!'

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, 'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely......

' A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s -back ? '

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a Small village and sees a local sitting on his veranda patting his dog.

He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi

'G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?'

Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'

Dog: 'Yeah, doin' all right.'

Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the Villager)

Dog: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'

Dog: 'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play.'

Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'

Kiwi: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'

Horse: 'Cool'

Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the villager)

Horse: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?

Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me from the elements.'

Kiwi: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'

Kiwi: (in a panic) 'The sheep's a f*****' liar……'

[Dieselman Member Find all posts View Profile Close Dieselman]

What does a Tupperware lady and a walrus have in common??


They both love a tight seal

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

A guy walks into a bar and notices a very large jar on the counter and sees it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. The man guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it!
He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's up with the jar?"
"Well... you pay ten dollars... and IF you pass three tests you get all the money!!!"
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up!
"What are the three tests?"
"Pay FIRST..." says the bartender... "Those are the rules."
So the man gives him the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar...
"OK," the bartender says, "here's what you need to do...

FIRST: You have to drink that ENTIRE GALLON of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing, all at ONCE... and you CAN'T make a face while doing it...

SECOND: There's a pit bull chained-up out back with a sore tooth...You have to REMOVE the tooth with your BARE HANDS...

THIRD: There's a 90 year-old woman upstairs who has NEVER reached orgazm during intercourse..
You've gotta MAKE THINGS RIGHT for her."

The man is stunned... "I KNOW I paid my 10 bucks... but I'm not an IDIOT! I WON'T DO IT!!! You have to be NUTS to drink a
gallon of pepper tequila, and then do those OTHER THINGS!!!"
Your call," says the bartender, "but your MONEY stays where it is.."

The man has a few drinks... then a few more...
Finally...he asks, "WHERRRRE'S ZAAAT TEQUIIIILA?!"
He grabs the gallon with both hands and downs it with a big slurp...tears are streaming down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face...
Next...he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained-up...
The people inside the bar hear a HUGE, NOISY SCUFFLE going on outside. They hear the pit bull barking... the guy screaming...
the pit bull yelping... and then SILENCE.

Just when they think the man SURELY must be dead, he staggers back into the bar .. with his shirt ripped... and large, bloody scratches all over his body...
"NOW......." he says,

"WHERES THE OLD WOMAN WITH THE SORE TOOTH?!?!?!"

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns

Dear Walter:

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbor lady making passionate love to her. I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years.

When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he went into the back yard and heard a lady scream, had come to her rescue but found her unconscious. He'd carried the woman back to our house, laid her in bed, and began CPR. When she awoke she immediately began thanking him and kissing him and he was attempting to break free when I came back. But when I asked him why neither of them had any clothes on, he broke down and admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him!

He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum, he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore. Can you please help?

Sincerely,
Mrs. Sheila Usk





---
Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburettor float chamber. I hope this helps.

[plucker Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close plucker]

A woman walks into the Ipswich Centrelink office, trailed by 15 kids...
'WOW,' the social worker exclaims, 'Are they ALL yours?
'Yeah they are all mine,' the flustered mother sighs, having heard that Question a thousand times before.
She says, 'Sit down Terry.' All the children rush to find seats.

'Well,' says the social worker, 'then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names.' 'This one's my oldest - he is Terry.'
'OK, and who's next?' 'Well, this one he is Terry, also.'
The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Terry.

Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Terri.
'All right,' says the caseworker. 'I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Terri?'
Their Mother replied, 'Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Terry!' An'
when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Terry!' an' they all come runnin.' An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Terry' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin'
them all Terry.'

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, 'But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch

'I call them by their last names!'

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

Two Aussie builders (Jus and Tom) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar. The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.

Jus: - I reckon he's an accountant.

Tom: - No way - he's a stockbroker.

Jus: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Jus and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder.

Jus: - 'Scuse me.. No offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?

Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession.

Jus: - Oh! What's that then?

Suit: - I'll try to explain by example... Do you have a goldfish at home?

Jus: - Er... Mmm . Well yeah, I do as it happens!

Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?

Jus: - It's in a pond!

Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden

Jus: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!

Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house?

Jus: - As it happens I've got a five-bedroom house...built it myself!

Suit: - Well given that you've built a five-bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?

Jus: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children.

Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a reg ular basis?

Jus:- Yep! Four nights a week!

Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?

Jus: - Me? Never.

Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!

Jus: - How's that then?

Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!

Jus: - I see! That's pretty impressive...thanks mate!

Both leave the toilet and Jus returns to his mate.

Tom: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?

Jus: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!

Tom: - What's that then?

Jus: - I'll try and explain. Do you have goldfish?

Tom: - Nope.

Jus: - Well then, you're a wanker.

[Chippy Addicted PP Member Find all posts View Profile Close Chippy]

Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely.

So, God asked him, 'What's wrong with you?'

Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.

God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.

He said, 'This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash them for you.'

'She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement.'

'She will praise you! '

'She will bear your children, and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. '

'She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it. '

Adam asked God, 'What will a woman like this cost?'

God replied, 'An arm and a leg.'



Then Adam asked, 'What can I get for arib?'

Of course the rest is history............!!!!

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

Dave the hen


Dave came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking
drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was
already asleep.

He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke, he
found a strange man standing at the end of his bed. 'Who the hell are
you?', demanded Dave, 'and what are you doing in my bedroom ?'

The mysterious man answered, 'This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter.'

Dave was stunned. 'You mean I'm dead !!! That can't be, I have so much
to live for - and I haven't said goodbye to my family. . . You've got
to send me back straight away.'

St Peter replied, 'Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch.
We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.'

Dave was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his
house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.

A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking
around, pecking the ground.

'This ain't so bad', he thought until he felt this strange feeling
welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said,
'So you're the new hen, How are you enjoying your first day here ?'

'It's not so bad', replies Dave, 'but I have this strange feeling
inside like I'm about to explode.'

'You're ovulating', explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never
laid an egg before.'

'Never', replies Dave.

'Well just relax and let it happen'.

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops
out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him
and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood
for the first time.

When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming
and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that
ever happened to him . . . Ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg, he
felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife
shouting...

'Dave, wake up, you drunken bastard. You've shit the bed !!'

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

A wealthy old Gentleman decides to go on a hunting safari in Africa , taking his faithful, elderly Jack Russell named Killer, along for the company.

One day the old Jack Russell starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old Jack Russell thinks, 'Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!' Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old Jack Russell exclaims loudly, 'Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?'

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. 'Whew!', says the leopard, 'That was close! That old Jack Russell nearly had me!'

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old Jack Russell sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, 'Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!

Now, the old Jack Russell sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, 'What am I going to do now?', but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old Jack Russell says...

'Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!

Moral of this story.....

Don't mess with the old dogs...age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery! BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

A Queensland jackeroo is overseeing his herd in remote territory when suddenly a brand-new BMW advances out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a designer suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, 'If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?'

The jackaroo looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, 'Sure, why not?'

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel Spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, 'You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.'

'That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,' says the Cowboy.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the cowboy says to the young man, 'Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?'

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, 'Okay, why not?'

'You work for the Australian Government', says the Jackeroo.

'Wow! That's correct,' says the yuppie, 'but how did you guess that?'

'No guessing required.' answered the jackeroo. 'You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used all kinds of expensive equipment that clearly somebody else paid for, You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows .. this is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my dog.'