[OT] Jokes page

[Bear Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Bear]

If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him,
Is he still a bad dog?

[Chippy Addicted PP Member Find all posts View Profile Close Chippy]

If a man is speaking in a forest .... and there is no woman around ....

.... is he still wrong ? :roll:

[Dobbo Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close Dobbo]

A midget goes to his doctor and says" Doc, I'm in agony. Every step I take I get this excruciating pain in my balls and I can't take it any more"
The doc stands him up on the table and has a look. "I see the problem" says the doc and grabs a large pair of scissors and attacks the midgets nether regions much to the midgets fright. After a couple of minutes the doc says"Ok, try walking now" The midget walks up and down the docs surgery a couple of times and exclaims" Wow Doc, the pain has gone,what did you do?"
"I cut 2 inches off the top off your cowboy boots" says the doc.

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

A senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z3 convertible out of the car salesroom. Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 160 kph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

'Amazing!' he thought as he flew down the F3, enjoying pushing
the pedal to the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw
a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

'I can get away from him - no problem!' thought the elderly nut case as he floored it to 180 kph, then 190 , then 200 kph. Suddenly, he thought,'What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!' So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.

Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up to the driver's side of The BMW, looked at his watch and said, 'Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you can give me a Reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go.'

The man, looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied, 'Years ago, My wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back.'

'Have a good day, Sir,' said the policeman!

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

Paddy was working at the fish plant in Cork when he accidentally cut off all 10 of his fingers. He went to the emergency room in Cork's hospital.
The doctor looked at Paddy and said, 'Let's be avin' da fingers and I'll see what oi can do'.
Paddy said, 'Oi haven't got da fingers.'
'Whadda ya mean you haven't got da fingers? Lord Tunderin' Jesus, it's 2008! We's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put dem back on and made you like new! Why didn't ya bring da fingers?!?'
And Paddy said, ' How da heck was I 'spose to pick dem up?'

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

I was having trouble with my Plasma. So I called Eric the 11 year old next door, whose
bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.

Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, “So what was wrong?”

He replied, “It was an ID ten T error.”

I didn’t want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, “An, ID ten T error? What’s that?
In case I need to fix it again.”

Eric grinned…..”Haven’t you heard of an ID ten T error before?”

“No” I replied.

“Write it down,” he said, “and I think you’ll figure it out.”

So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T

I used to like Eric…………..

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

removed ??

[Bear Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Bear]

[plucker Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close plucker]

A Northern Territory farm hand radios back to the farm manager.



'Boss, I gotta helluva problem here.. I hit a pig with the ute.
The pig's OK, but he's stuck in the bullbars at the front of my ute andis wriggling and squealing so much I can't get him out.'

The manager says,'Ok, there's a ...303Rifle behind the seat.
Take it, shoot the pig in the head and you'll be able to remove him.'

Five minutes later the farm hand calls back, 'I did what you said boss. Took the 303, shot the pig in the head and removed him from the bull-bars. No problem there, but I still can't go on'.

'Now what's the problem?' raged the Manager.

'Well boss, it's his motor-bike. The flashing blue light is stuck under the right-front wheel arch.'

'................................................. ........... You there Boss?

[jeff s Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close jeff s]

why are gorilla's nostrils so big?











They have big fingers.....


Groan..

[jeff s Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close jeff s]

There is this little guy sitting at a bar.
A big guy comes up and whacks him in the face and says that's judo from china.

A few minutes go by and he whacks him again and says that's Karate from japan...

The little guy leaves the bar and returns a few minutes later and smacks the big guy in the face and leaves him unconscious.... He says to the barman, When he wakes up tell him that's a shovel from Bunnings...

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

Will I live to see 80?

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and
exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do
you think I'll live to be 80?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?

''Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'

I said, 'No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy! '

Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'

'No, I don't,' I said.

He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'
"No,' I said.


He looked at me and said, 'Then, why do you even give a toss?"

[plucker Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close plucker]

The local news station was interviewing an 84yo lady because she had married for the 4th time.
The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 84, and then her new husbands occupation.

"He's a funeral director she replied"

"Intersting" the newsman thought, He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him what the previous 3 husbands did for a living.

After a short time a smile came to her face and answered proudly, explaning that she married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, later on a preacher when she was in her 60's, and now in her 80's a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked her why she had married 4 men with such diverse careers.

"Easy son" she replied

"I married one for the money.... two for the show.... three to get ready.... and four to go...."

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

EXERCISES FOR PEOPLE OVER 35

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 2 kg potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can.

Try to reach a full minute, and then relax..
Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 5 kg potato sacks.
Then try 25 kg potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 50 kg potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

A Catholic Priest, an Indian Doctor, a rich Chinese Businessman
and an Aussie were waiting one morning for a particularly slow
group of golfers in front of them.
The Aussie fumed, 'What's with those blokes? We must have been
waiting for fifteen bloody minutes!'

The Indian Doctor chimed in, 'I don't know, but I've never seen
such poor golf!'

The Chinese Businessman called out 'Move it, time is money'

The Catholic Priest said, 'Here comes George the green keeper.
Let's have a word with him.'

'Hello, George' said the Catholic Priest, 'What's wrong with that
group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?'

George the green keeper replied, 'Oh, yes. That's a group of blind
fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a
fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.'

The group fell silent for a moment.

The Catholic Priest said, 'That's so sad. I think I will say a
special prayer for them tonight.'

The Indian Doctor said, 'Good idea. I'm going to contact my
ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do
for them.'

The Chinese Businessman replied, 'I think I'll donate $50,000 to
the fire-fighters in honour of these brave souls'

The Aussie said, 'Why can't they play at night?'