[OT] Jokes page

[Jacto Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Jacto]

Subject: Fighter and Lover

It's a beautiful day, and love is in the air. Marie rolls towards Pierre and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me!"

Deliberately, Pierre uncorks a bottle of Merlot from the picnic basket and splashes it on Marie's face and lips.

"What are you doing, Pierre?" splutters the startled Marie.

"I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!"

So she smiles, a cute little smile, and they kiss, long, softly but ardently.

Things began to heat up a little and Marie sighs, "Pierre, kiss me lower."

Our hero unbuttons her blouse, takes a bottle of Chablis and pours it over her firm young white breasts.

"Pierre! What are you doing now?" asks the bewildered Marie.

"I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!"

She giggles, they resume their passionate interlude - and things really begin to get steamy.

Marie leans close to his ear and pants softly, "Pierre, kiss me much lower!"

Pierre rips off her lacy nickers, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her crotch, then strikes a match and WHoooshhh!!!! she's on fire.

Marie shrieks, leaps to her feet and throws herself into the river. Standing waist deep, she throws her arms in the air, shakes her fist and screams furiously, "PIERRE, WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?"

Our hero stands, twitching his moustache, and states proudly, defiantly, "I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in FLAMES!"

[Jacto Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Jacto]

A College professor was doing a study, testing the senses of first-graders
using a bowl of Lifesavers. He gave all of the children the same kind of
Lifesaver, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by color and
flavour. The children began to say:
"Red..................cherry",
"Yellow...............lemon",
"Green................lime",
"Orange...............orange".

Finally, the professor gave them all honey Lifesavers. After eating them
for a few moments, none of the children could identify the taste.
"Well, he said, I'll give you all a clue. It's what your mother may
sometimes call your father."

One little girl looked up in horror, spit hers out, and yelled,
"Everybody, spit them out - they're assholes!!!"

[muzza Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close muzza]

fifi

The train was quite crowded, and a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.

The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?'

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular 'Americans are so rude. My little Fife is using that seat.'

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.

'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired.'

She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!'

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honour! This American should be put in his place!'

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window.

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

The three Bears..........

A far more accurate account of the events of that fateful morning...


Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table.
He looks into his small bowl. It is empty.
'Who's been eating my porridge?' he squeaks.

Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks
into his big bowl and it is also empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?!?' he roars.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, 'For God's sake, how many times do I have to go through this with you idiots? It was Mummy Bear who got up first. It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house. It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee. It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mummy Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen. It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch The newspaper and croissants. It was M ummy Bear who set the damn table.

'It was Mummy Bear who walked the bloody dog, cleaned the cat's litter
tray, gave them their food, and refilled their water.

'And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I'm only going to say this once....

'I HAVEN'T MADE THE *%#@#@# PORRIDGE YET!!!'

[ntp Addicted PP Member Find all posts View Profile Close ntp]

'I HAVEN'T MADE THE *%#@#@# PORRIDGE YET!!!'

ROFL :P :P :P

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

~ Two Little Boys ~



After a hardy rainstorm filled all the potholes in the streets and alleys,
a young mother watched her two little boys playing in the puddle through her kitchen window.


The older of the two, a five year old lad, grabbed his sibling by the back of his head and shoved his face into the water hole.


As the boy recovered and stood laughing and dripping, the mother runs to the yard in a panic.


" Why on earth did you do that to your little brother?!" she asks as she shook the older boy in anger.


"We were just playing 'church' mommy, " he said.

"And I was just baptizing him....
in the name of the Father, the Son and in...the hole-he-goes."

:lol: :shock: ops:

[Jacto Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Jacto]

Two old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane by going back to the
place where they first met. Sitting at a café, the little old man says,

"Remember the first time I met you over 50 years ago? We left this cafe,
went round the corner behind the gas works, and I gave you one from
behind."

"Why, yes, I remember it well, dear," replies the little old lady
with a grin.

The little old man says to his wife, "Well, for old time's sake, let's go there again and I'll give you another one from behind."

The two pensioners pay their bill and leave the cafe. A young man sitting
next to them has overheard the conversation and smiles to himself,
thinking it would be quite amusing to see two old pensioners at it. He gets up and follows them.

Sure enough, he sees the two pensioners near the gas works. The little old
lady pulls off her knickers and lifts up her dress. The old man pulls down
his pants and grabs the lady's hips, and the little old lady reaches for
the fence.

Well, what follows is 40 minutes of the most athletic sex the man has
ever seen. The little old man is banging away at the little old woman
at a pace that can only be described as phenomenal. Limbs are flying
everywhere, the movement is a blur, and they do not stop for a single
second.
Finally, they collapse and don't move for an hour.

Well, the man is stunned. Never in his life has he ever seen anything that
equates to this-not in the movies, not from his friends, not from his own
experiences.

Reflecting on what he has just seen, he says to himself,
"I have to know his secret. If only I could shag like that now, let alone
in 50 years' time!"

The two old pensioners have by this time recovered and dressed themselves.
Plucking up courage, the man approaches the pensioner. He says,

"Sir, in all my life I have never seen anybody shag like that,
particularly at your age. What's your secret? Could you shag like that 50 years ago?"

The pensioner replies, "Son, 50 years ago, that %#@*^!~ fence wasn't
electrified!"

[cjd Member Find all posts View Profile Close cjd]

Two Kiwis, Trev and Craig are walking down a street in Bondi. Trev happens to look in one of the shop windows and sees a sign that catches his eye.
The sign said 'Suits $10.00 each, Shirts $4.00 each, Trousers $5.00 per
pair'
Trev says to his pal, ' Craig, look! We could buy a whole lot of those,
and when we get back to InZid, we could make a fortune. Now when we go into the shop, you be quiet, okay? Just let me do all the talking cause
if they hear our eccint, they might not be nice to us. I'll speak in my
best Aussie eccint.'

'No worries, smiled Craig, I'll keep my mouth shut.'
They go in and Trev says, 'I'll take 50 suits at $10.00 each, 100 shirts
at $4.00 each, and 50 pairs of trousers at $5.00 each. I'll back up my
truck and...'

The owner of the shop interrupts, 'You're from New Zealand, aren't you?'

'Well... yes,' says a surprised Trev. 'How the hull dud you know thet?'

The owner says, 'This is a dry cleaners'.

[Jacto Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Jacto]

Still laughing five minutes after I rid thet wen, cjd a pearler :lol: :lol: :lol:

[navy1430 Member Find all posts View Profile Close navy1430]

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for
my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and
realized I had left my wallet at home.

I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and
come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That
silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me'
and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability, too'
And then the fight started.....

[navy1430 Member Find all posts View Profile Close navy1430]

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I
kept staring at a drunken lady swigging

her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed,
'She's my old girlfriend.

I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years
ago, and I hear she
hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?'

[navy1430 Member Find all posts View Profile Close navy1430]

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy

with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old,

fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

[Jacto Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Jacto]

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a
sign out of the corner of his eye. It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a
second thought. Soon he sees another sign which says:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES

Suddenly, he begins to realise that these signs are for real.Then he drives
past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST, FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far
side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a small sign next
to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a
long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?"
He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in
possibility of doing business." "Very well, my son. Please follow me."
He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented.
The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man, "Please knock on this
door."
He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in a long
habit, holding a tin cup. This nun instructs, "Please place $50 in the cup,
then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway."
He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup.
He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut
behind him.
As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot,
facing another small sign:

GO IN PEACE
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED
BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

What causes arthritis...

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, 'Say Father, what causes Arthritis?
The priest replies, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath'.
The drunk muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be damned',
Then returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologised.
'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?'.
The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does'.

[ntp Addicted PP Member Find all posts View Profile Close ntp]

The Swimming Race

Three blokes enter a disabled swimming contest. The first has no arms, the second no legs, and the third has no body, just a head.

They all line up, the whistle blows and "splash" they're all in the pool.

The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly, but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head sank straight to the bottom.

Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool, so he decides he had better dive down to rescue the head guy. He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool, where-upon the head starts coughing and spluttering.

Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts, "Three goddamn years I've spent learning to swim with my goddamn ears. Then five seconds before the whistle, some bastard puts a swimming cap on me." :lol: