[OT] Jokes page

[Dobbo Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close Dobbo]

A sales rep was travelling through the outback and had need to stay a couple of days in a hotel in a small town.
At dinner on the first evening he complained to the manager about the large number of flies in the long drop toilet out the back.
"I've never seen so many flies" he said "they were crawling all over my bum, over my nads, everywhere"
"What time were you in the toilet?"asked the manager
"Around 9 " said the salesman
"Ah" said the manager,"you should have gone around 12, the're all in the dining room then!"

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. ?
She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist.
Her doctor recommended that she see the well known Chinese sex therapist Dr. Chang.

So she went to see him.
Upon entering the examination room Dr. Chang said 'OK take off all your crose.'
The woman did as she was told.
'Now get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room.'
Again the woman did as she was instructed.
Dr. Chang then said 'OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me.'
So she did.
Dr.Chang shook his head slowly and said 'Your probrem vewy bad. ?You haf Ed Zachary diease.
Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates.'
Worried the woman asked anxiously 'Oh my God Dr.Chang what is Ed Zachary Disease ?'
Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied 'Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your ass.'

[ntp Addicted PP Member Find all posts View Profile Close ntp]

Dr.Chang shook his head slowly and said 'Your probrem vewy bad. ?You haf Ed Zachary diease.
Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates.'

EXACTLY!!! Hahahaha :lol: :lol:

[Chippy Addicted PP Member Find all posts View Profile Close Chippy]

YOUR PARROT IS DEAD SENOR:


At dawn the telephone rings, "Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."

"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead"

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"

"Si, Senor, that's the one."

"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"

"From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod."

"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"

"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."

"Dead horse? What dead horse?"

"The thoroughbred, Senor Rod."

"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"

"Yes Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."

"Are you insane?? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor."

"Good Lord!! What fire are you talking about, man??"

"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."

"What the hell?? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?? !!"

"Yes, Senor Rod.."

"But there's electricity at the house!! What was the candle for?"

"For the funeral, Senor Rod."

"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"

"Your wife's, Senor Rod, she showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Taylor Made Super Quad 460 golf club."


SILENCE . . . . . . .. . . .LONG SILENCE . . . . . . .


"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep shit!!"

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

A doctor was addressing a large audience.

'Red meat is bad for you,' he told the audience. 'Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining.
Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets are disastrous. No one knows the long-term effect of germs in our drinking water,' said the doctor.

'But one food is the most dangerous of all and I bet every one of you has eaten it at least once. Can anyone tell me which food causes the most grief for years after you eat it?'

An old man in the front row raised his hand and softly asked,

'Is it wedding cake?'

[ntp Addicted PP Member Find all posts View Profile Close ntp]

spara ~ you are the joke king!

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror
complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small.
Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he
uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion:


'If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet
paper and rub it between them for a few seconds'

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and
stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.

' How long will this take?' I asked.

' They will grow larger over a period of years,' my husband replies.

I stopped. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet
paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger
over the years?'

Without missing a beat he says 'Worked for your arse, didn't it?'

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may
even walk again although he will probably continue to take his
meals through a straw.

[Chippy Addicted PP Member Find all posts View Profile Close Chippy]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent set up both men fell asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says "Kemosabe, look towards the sky; what do you see?"

"The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What that tell you?" asks Tonto.

The Lone Ranger pondered for a minute, then says, "astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you tonto?"

Tonto replies, "You dumber than buffalo shit. Someone stole the tent."

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

A lady walks into Tiffany's. She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.

Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?'

Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, 'Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?'

He answers, 'Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to shit yourself when I tell you the price.'

[Chippy Addicted PP Member Find all posts View Profile Close Chippy]

Airline Announcements

United Flight Attendant announced, 'People,, we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!'
************************************************** *******

On landing, the stewardess said, 'Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have.'
************************************************** *******

'There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane.'
************************************************** *******

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a 'Thanks for flying our airline.' He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane.
She said, 'Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?'
'Why, no, Ma'am,' said the pilot. 'What is it?'
The little old lady said, 'Did we land, or were we shot down?'
************************************************** *******

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: 'Whoa, big fella, WHOA!'
************************************************** *******

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, 'Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because sure as hell everything has shifted after a landing like that.'
************************************************** *******

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: 'We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.'
************************************************** *******

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!'
************************************************** *******

'Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.'
************************************************** *******

'As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses . . . . . except for that gentleman over there.'
************************************************** *******

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City. The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, 'That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt.'
************************************************** *******

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.'
************************************************** *******

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: 'We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways.'
************************************************** *******

Heard on a Southwest Airline flight - 'Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing - and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em.'
************************************************** *******

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, 'Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax . . . OH, MY GOD!' Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!'
A passenger in Coach yelled, 'That's nothing, you should see the back of mine!'

[pomp Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close pomp]

A lady gets a taxi home from a nightclub, when the taxi pulls to a stop outside her house the taxi driver says "that'll be $20 my love".
The lady realizing she has no money lifts her skirt, opens her legs and says to the driver "will this do?"
The driver looks over his shoulder and exclaims "f**k me haven't you got anything smaller?"

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

Marriage Humour


Wife: 'What are you doing?'

Husband: Nothing.

Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate
for an hour.'

Husband: 'I was looking for the expiry date.'

------------ --------- --------- -

Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'

Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'

Wife: 'Yes or no.'

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Wife: 'You always carry my photo in your wallet.. Why?'

Hubby: 'When there is a problem, no matter how great, I
look at your picture and the problem disappears.'

Wife: 'You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?'

Hubby: 'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other
problem can there be greater than this one?'

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------

Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries,
troubles and lighten your burden.'

Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any
worries or troubles.'

Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

NEW HEAVIEST ELEMENT DISCOVERED

A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element known to science. Its existence was proved during the hurricane, gasoline, war and other issues of the last year or two.

The new element has been named **Governmentium**

*Governmentium (Gv)* has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called MO-rons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called pe-ons.

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take over four days to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of four years. It does not decay, however, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, as each reorganization will cause more MO-rons to become neutrons, forming ISO-dopes.

When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium -- an element which radiates just as much energy as Governmentium because, though it has only half as many pe-ons, it has twice as many MO-rons.

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

A day at the races....

A group of 3rd, 4th and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers,
went on a field trip to the local race track (Ascot) to learn
about thoroughbred horses .
When it was time to take the children to the bathroom it was decided that
the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when
one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the
urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and
began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their 'privates' to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed.

Trying not to show that she was staring the teacher said, 'You must be in the 5th grade.'
'No, ma'am', he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race. But I appreciate your help.'

[Jacto Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Jacto]

Top this for a speeding ticket...

Two Hunter traffic patrol officers from Newcastle LAC were involved in an unusual incident while checking for speeding motorists on the F3 Freeway. One of the officers used a hand-held radar device to check the speed of a vehicle approaching over the crest of a hill, and was
surprised when the speed was recorded at over 800Kph. Their radar
suddenly stopped working and the officers were not able to reset it.

Just then a deafening roar over the treetops revealed that the radar had
in fact latched on to a Williamtown FA-18 fighter jet which was engaged
in a low-flying exercise over Wyong, approaching from the ocean.

Back at police headquarters the Local Area Commander fired off a stiff
complaint to the RAAF Liaison officer at Williamtown.

Back came the reply in true laconic RAAF style:

'Thank you for your message, which allows us to complete the file on
this incident. You may be interested to know that the tactical computer
in the Hornet had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked
onto, your hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming
signal back to it. Furthermore, an air-to-ground missile aboard the
fully-armed aircraft had also automatically locked onto your equipment.

Fortunately the pilot flying the Hornet recognised the situation for
what it was, quickly responded to the missile systems alert status, and
was able to override the automated defence system before the missile was launched and your hostile radar installation was destroyed.

Thank you for your enquiry.