[OT] Jokes page

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was in progress.
A sign read: 'Don't Miss The Amazing Scotsman'. The salesman bought
a ticket and sat down.

There, on centre stage, was a table with three walnuts on it.

Standing next to it was an old Scotsman.

Suddenly the old man lifted his kilt, whipped out a huge willy and smashed
all three walnuts with three mighty swings!
The crowd erupted in applause as the elderly Scot was carried off on the
shoulders of the crowd.

Ten years later the salesman visited the same little town and saw a faded
sign for the same circus and the same sign 'Don't Miss The Amazing Scotsman'.
He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive much less still doing his act!
He bought a ticket. Again, the centre ring was illuminated.

This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table.
The Scotsman stood before them, then suddenly lifted his kilt and shattered
the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member.
The crowd went wild!
Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show.

'You're incredible!' he told the Scotsman. 'But I have to know something.
You're older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts?
''Well laddie,' said the Scot, 'Ma eyes are nae whit they used tae be.'

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

A young man named John received a parrot, named 'Chief', as a gift.
>> The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every
>> word out of the bird's mouth was rude and obnoxious. John tried and
>> tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only
>> polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of
>> to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot.
>> The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got
>> angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand,
>> grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.
>>
>> For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then
>> suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a
>> minute Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the
>> door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's
>> outstretched arms and said, 'I believe I may have offended you with
>> my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my
>> inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I
>> can to correct my rude and unforgivable behaviour' John was stunned
>> at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the
>> parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour, the
>> bird continued, 'May I ask what the turkey did?'

[Jacto Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Jacto]

How a marriage works

All men should read this.

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks.
The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the
town and party with his old buddies.

So, he said to his new wife, 'Honey, I'll be right
back.'

'Where are you going, coochy cooh?' asked the wife.

'I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I' m going to have a
beer.'

The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?'

She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him
25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries:Germany,
Holland, Japan , India ,etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, 'Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses...'

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife
interrupted him by saying,

'You want a frozen glass, puppy face?'

She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, tootsie roll, but at the Bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?'

You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?' She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

'But my sweet honey... At the bar... You know...there's swearing, dirty words and all that...'

'You want dirty words, Dickhead? Drink your f***ing beer in your Goddamn frozen mug and eat your motherf***ing snacks, because you are Married now, and you aren't f***ing going anywhere! Got it, Asshole?'

.........and, they lived happily ever after.

Now, isn't that a sweet story?

[Jacto Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Jacto]

Your wife decides to go out with her friends drinking and dancing....

You're okay with it, because you get to watch sports and play on the
Internet all night...

You hear her stumble into bed around 4 and you laugh knowing she's going to have a monster hangover....

You wake up next morning and go outside to the family Volvo, which she
used last night....

You sigh in relief because it's all in one piece....

You circle the car looking for dents and find none....

But ... Wait a minute ....

[navy1430 Member Find all posts View Profile Close navy1430]

Bed sheets


An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a
series of tests, the last of which had left his
bodily systems extremely upset.

Upon making several false alarm trips to the
bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another
and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with
diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to
remain rational.

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of
bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out
the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the
sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing,
and swinging his arms violently trying to get the
unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled
sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet,
staring down at the sheets, a hospital security
guard, (barely containing his (laughter), and who
had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked,
'What the heck is going on here?'

The drunk, still staring down replied: 'I think I
just beat the shit out of a ghost.'

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

After 30 years of marriage, a couple were lying in bed one evening, when
the wife felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite
some time.
It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began
moving down past the small of her back.
He then caressed her shoulders and neck,
slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach.
He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past
the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf.
Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and started to watch the tv.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving
voice, 'That was wonderful. Why did you stop?'





He said, 'I found the remote'.

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.

Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.

One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. 'STOP!,' he shouted in a firm voice. 'Have you got a license for that thing?' Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. 'OK' he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted 'STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?' Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said 'On your way, Ma'am.'
As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, Butt- Naked, and holding his 'You-Know- What' in his hand.

'Oh, good grief,' yelled Ethel, 'Not that Damn Breathalyzer Test again.!!!'

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes and said, 'I would like to buy some cyanide.'

The pharmacist asked, 'Why in the world do you need cyanide?'
The lady replied, 'I need it to poison my husband.'
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, 'Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law!
I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not!
You CANNOT have any cyanide!'



The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture
and replied, 'Well now, that's different.

You didn't tell me you had a prescription.

[muzza Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close muzza]

An elderly couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about a West African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long. When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.

Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked at him disparagingly and said, 'How about trying the African string-and-weight procedure?

The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis. A few days later, the wife asked the husband, 'How is our little tribal experiment coming along?'

'Well, it looks like we're about half way there,' he replied.

'Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?'

'No, it's turned black.'

[Jacto Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Jacto]

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.

'Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?' asked John.
'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,' said Tommy. The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy,
knocking him completely out of his chair.
'Son,' said John, 'this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school.'
'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.' said Tommy.
'What did you watch?' asked Marsha.
'The Ten Commandments.' answered Tommy.
The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair once more.

With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said,
'I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.'
'I am ashamed of you son,' said John. 'When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.'
The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said,
'Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy, after all, he is your son!'

With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and slapped her right off her chair.

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

One word or two ?




An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.
Before the wedding they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather tentatively-
"I would like it infrequently" she replied.
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses and leaned over towards her and whispered
"Is that one word or two?"

[Chippy Addicted PP Member Find all posts View Profile Close Chippy]

A fellow walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be more than ten thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, 'What's with the money in the jar?'

'Well--you pay $10 and if you pass three tests you get all the money and the keys to a brand new Lexus.'

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. And so he asks, 'What are the three tests?'

'You must pay first......those are the rules,' says the bartender.
So after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar.

'Okay,' the bartender says, 'here's what you need to do:
First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in a minute or less, and you can't make a face while doing it.

Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands.

Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who has never had sex....you have to take care of that problem!'

The man is stunned. 'I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things.'

'Your call,' says the bartender, 'but, your money stays where it is.'
As time goes on, and the man has a few more drinks, he finally says, 'Where's the damn tequila?'

He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can.
Tears stream down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face--and he did it in fifty-eight seconds!

Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon the people inside the bar hear growling , biting, and screaming sounds. . .then nothing but silence. Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped open and there are scratches and he's bleeding all over his body.

He says, 'Now where's that old woman with the bad tooth?'

The moral to the story: Listen carefully to the directions and don't trust your judgment when alcohol is involved!

[Chippy Addicted PP Member Find all posts View Profile Close Chippy]

After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach.

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf.
Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and started to watch the TV.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, 'That was wonderful. Why did you stop?'




He said....................
'I found the remote'.

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

A platoon of soldiers were patrolling north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious.
On the opposite side of the road was an Australian soldier in a similar but less serious state.


The soldier was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the Platoon Leader asked the injured Australian what had happened.


The soldier reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved."


He yelled back that, "Kevin Rudd is a bureaucratic, good-for-nothing, left wing labour dickhead who knows bugger all about running the country."


"So I yelled that Osama Bin Ladin dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian!"

He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Julia Gillard!"

"And, there we were, in the middle of the road, laughing, shaking hands, when a bloody truck hit us."

[navy1430 Member Find all posts View Profile Close navy1430]

Re:Welcome to the Stock market

Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each. The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their efforts. So the man announced that he would now up the price and buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.

Soon the supply diminished even further so the offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so scarce that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it! The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on his behalf.

In the man's absence, the assistant told the villagers. 'Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them back to him for $50 each.'

So villagers rounded up all their savings, and bought all the monkeys from the assistant. They then sat back and waited for the man to return from the city. However, they never saw the man, nor his assistant, ever again... only monkeys everywhere!

................. Welcome to the Stock market. ......................