[OT] Jokes page

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A VERY GOOD EXAMPLE OF MISCOMMUNICATION!

A young husband comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck: "Darling, I have great news:
" I'm a month overdue. I think we're going to have a baby!
The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we can't tell anybody."

The next day, a guy from the electric company rings the door-bell, because the young couple hasn't paid their last
bill: "Are you Mrs. Smith?
You're a month overdue, you know!"
"How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman.
"Well, ma'am, ! it's in our files!" says the man from the electric company.
"What are you saying? It's in your files?????"
"Absolutely."
"Well, let me talk to my husband about this tonight."
That night, she tells her husband about the visit, and he, mad as a bull, rushes to the electric company offices the first thing the next morning.
"What's going on here? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue? What business is that of yours?" the
husband shouts.
"Just calm down," says the clerk, "it's nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us."
"PAY you? and if I refuse?"
"Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut yours off."
"And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks.
"I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle."

"WWWHHAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTT?????

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Miscommunication ... or just plain Ooooppps :roll:

WIFE: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
HUSBAND: Definitely not!

Wife: Why not - don't you like being married?
HUSBAND: Of course I do.

WIFE: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
Husband: Okay, I'd get married again.

WIFE: You would? (With a hurtful look on her face).
HUSBAND: (Makes audible groan).

WIFE: Would you live in our house?
HUSBAND: Sure, it's a great house.

WIFE: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
HUSBAND: Where else would we sleep?

WIFE: Would you let her drive my car?
HUSBAND: Probably, it is almost new.

WIFE: Would you replace my pictures with hers?
HUSBAND: That would seem like the proper thing to do.

WIFE: Would she use my golf clubs?
HUSBAND: No, she's left-handed.

WIFE: - silence - -
HUSBAND: F * ck....

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>>
>>> SATISFACTION
>>> No matter what this husband did in bed, his wife never achieved an
>>> orgasm.>
>>> Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to
>>> consult their Rabbi. The Rabbi listens to their story, strokes his
>>> beard,
>>> and makes the following suggestion: 'Hire a strapping young man. While
>>> the
>>> two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you.
>>> That
>>> will help your wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm.'
>>> They go home and follow the Rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome
>>> young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It does not
>>> help
>>> and the wife is still unsatisfied.
>>> Perplexed, they go back to the Rabbi. 'Okay,' he says to the
>>> husband, Try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife
>>> and
>>> you
>>> wave the towel over them.'
>>> Once again, they follow the Rabbi's advice. They go home and
>>> hire, the same
>>> strapping young man. The young man gets into bed with the wife and
> the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work with great
>>> enthusiasm and soon she has an enormous, room-shaking, ear-splitting >>
>>> screaming orgasm.
>>>
>>> The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him
>>>
>>> triumphantly, SSSee that, you schmuck? THAT'S how you wave a
>>> towel!!'!

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The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had
not phoned in sick one day. Needing to have an urgent problem with one of
the main computers resolved, he dialled the employee's home phone number
and was greeted with a child's whisper.
' Hello ? '
'Is your daddy home?' he asked.
' Yes ,' whispered the small voice.
May I talk with him?'
The child whispered, ' No .'
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked,
'Is your Mummy there?'
' Yes '
'May I talk with her?
' Again the small voice whispered, ' No '
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked,
'Is anybody else there?'
' Yes , ' whispered the child, ' a policeman . '
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked,
'May I speak with the policeman?'
' No, he's busy , ' whispered the child.
'Busy doing what?'
' Talking to Daddy and Mummy and the Fireman , ' came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through
the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked,
'What is that noise?
' A helicopter ' answered the whispering voice.
'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered,
' The search team just landed a helicopter '
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked,
'What are they searching for?'
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle...

ME

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> Proof That The World Is Nuts!
>
> In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the
> animals must be female.
> Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.
> (Like THAT makes sense.)
>
> In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a womans' genitals, but
> is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He
> may only see their reflection in a mirror.
> (Do they look different as a mirror image?)
>
> Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This
> also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be
> covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.
> (A brick?)
>
> The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
> (Much worse than 'going blind'!)
>
> There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the
> countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege
> of having sex for the first time.
> Reason: Under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
> (Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the
> world that even comes close to this?)
>
> In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her
> adulterous husband, but, may only do so with her bare hands.
> The husbands' illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any
> manner desired.
> (Ah! Justice!)
>
> Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in
> tropical fish stores.
> (But, of course!)
>
> In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and
> the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness
> the act.
> (Makes one shudder at the thought of it.)
>
> In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a
> woman and her daughter at the same time.
> (I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this
> law)
>
> In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with
> one
> exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only
> in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the
> premises.'
> (Is this a great country or what? Well, not as great as Guam!)
>
> Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
> (Who volunteers for this stuff?)
>
> Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
> (Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)
>
> The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own
> weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
> (From drinking little bottles of?)
> (Did the government pay for this research?)
>
> Butterflies taste with their feet.
> (Ah, geez.)
>
> An ostriches'' eye is bigger than its brain.
> (I know some people like that.)
>
> Starfish don't have brains.
> (I know some people like that, too.)
>
> And, the best for last?
>
> Turtles can breathe through their butts.
> (And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)

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The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

'Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?' Ole demanded.

'Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.'

The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear.'

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies.

'Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?'

She replies, 'I can't afford any on the money you give me.'

Patrick reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!'

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.

'Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?'

She too explains, 'You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any.'

The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, 'Well, fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb.....Tidy yerself up a bit.'

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Saturday morning I got up early, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

The wind was blowing 50 mph... I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

My loving wife of 20 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that shit?'

I still do not know to this day if she was joking, but I have stopped fishing.

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A man is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Golly, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"

Yep! I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird .."

"Oh yeah?" the man asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."

"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't you?"

"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."

The man looks at the $200.00 price tag, "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."

"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me 'cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!"

The man offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The man is
Delighted.

One day the man comes home from work and the parrot goes, "Psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."

"What are you talking about?" asks the man

"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie."

"WHAT???" the guy says incredulously. "THEN what happened?"

"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.

"NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?"

"Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over..."

Then the frantic man screams, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"

"Damned if I know. I got an erection and fell off my perch!"

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A Kiwi was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. Looking around, he realised they were stranded on a deserted island. After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely Kiwi. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and... put his arm around it. But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her and he slowly nursed her back to health.

When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening...red sky, cirrus clouds, and a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, the Kiwi started to get 'those feelings' again. He fought the urges as long as he could, but he finally gave in and, realising he now had the opportunity, leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear,

'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?'

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A Day at the Races.


A bloke was having a few drinks by himself at a London casino when he
met up with a striking but quite short and slim young woman. They got
on famously and ended up in bed.

The next morning she told him she was a jockey and that if he came to
the races at Ascot that day, she'd tip him the winner of each race she
was riding in by giving him a sign as she rode out of the saddling paddock.

In Race 2, she rode out rubbing both her boobs. The bloke looked through the
race book and found 'Two Abreast' on which he placed $100 at 5-1. It won by two lengths.

In Race 4 she rode out rubbing her fingers round her eyes. He put the lot on
'Eyeliner' at 10-1 and was then $5000 in front.

In the last race she came out standing up in the stirrups and rubbing
her growler. He backed nothing.

After the races, he met up with her and thanked her for the winners in
races 2 and 4. 'What about 'Itchy Mickey' in the sixth?', she asked. 'It paid a fortune?'



'Sh*t', he said, 'I thought you were telling me the **** was scratched!'

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Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces.

The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.

The Coroner tells the Inspector: 'First body: An Italian, 60, died
Of heart failure while with his mistress. Hence the enormous smile.'

'Second body: 'Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the
Lottery, spent it all on whiskey, died of alcohol poisoning, hence the
Smile.'

The Inspector asked, 'What of the third body?'

'Ah,' says the coroner, 'This is the most unusual one. Danny O,Neil, Irish,
30, struck by lightning.'

'Why is he smiling then?' inquires the Inspector.

'Thought he was having his picture taken'.

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DEAR DAD…

A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad.'

With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and, with trembling hands, read the letter...

'Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacey, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercing, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.

But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacey has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.

Love, your son, Joshua

PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house.
I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table.

Call me when it is safe for me to come home...

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Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
'Dr. Jones, at your cervix.'
**************************
In a Podiatrist's office:
'Time wounds all heels.'
**************************
On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
**************************
On a Plumber's truck:
'We repair what your husband fixed.'
**************************
On another Plumber's truck:
'Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.'
**************************
On a Church's Bill board:
'7 days without God makes one weak.'
**************************
At a Tyre Store
'Invite us to your next blowout.'
**************************
On an Electrician's truck:
'Let us remove your shorts.'
**************************
In a Non-smoking Area:
'If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.'
**************************
On a Maternity Room door:
'Push. Push. Push.'
**************************
At an Optometrist's Office:
'If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.'
**************************
On a Taxidermist's window:
'We really know our stuff.'
**************************
On a Fence:
'Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!'
**************************
At a Car Dealership:
'The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.'
**************************
Outside a Car Exhaust Store:
'No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.'
**************************
In a Vets waiting room:
'Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!'
**************************
In a Restaurant window:
'Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.'
**************************
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
'Drive carefully. We'll wait.'
**************************
And don't forget the sign at a RADIATOR SHOP:
'Best place in town to take a leak.'
**********************
Sign on the back of yet another Septic Tank Truck:
'Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises'

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On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence.
One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began
dividing the nuts.

'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me,' said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down
toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle.
As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down t o investigate. Sure enough, he heard,
'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.'

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

'Come here quick,' said the boy, 'you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls.'

The man said, 'Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk.' When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.'

The old man whispered, 'Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord.'

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man
and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, 'One for you, one for me. That's all.
Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done.'

They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the Kid on the bike.

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The next time you hear a politician use the
word 'billion' in a casual manner, think about
whether you want the 'politicians' spending
YOUR tax money.

A billion is a difficult number to comprehend,
but one advertising agency did a good job of
putting that figure into some perspective in
one of it's releases.


A.
A billion seconds ago it was 1959.

B.
A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive.

C.
A billion hours ago our ancestors were living in the Stone Age.

D.
A billion days ago no-one walked on the earth.

E.
A billion dollars ago was only 8 hours and 20 minutes, at the rate our government is spending it.