[OT] Jokes page

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

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CANNON BALLS !!! DID YOU KNOW THIS? I DIDN'T

It was necessary to keep a good supply of cannon balls near the cannon on old war ships. But how to prevent them from rolling about the deck was the problem. The best storage method devised was to stack them as a square based pyramid, with one ball on top, resting on four, resting on nine, which rested on sixteen.
Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small area right next to the cannon. There was only one problem -- how to prevent the bottom layer from sliding/rolling from under the others.
The solution was a metal plate with 16 round indentations, called, for reasons unknown, a Monkey. But if this plate were made of iron, the iron balls would quickly rust to it. The solution to the rusting problem was to make them of brass - hence, Brass Monkeys.
Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and much faster than iron when chilled. ?Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far, the brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannon balls would come right off the monkey.
Thus,it was quite literally, cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey.
And all this time, you thought that was just a vulgar expression, didn't you? :wink: :mrgreen:

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

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TWO WOMEN TALKING IN HEAVEN

1st woman: Hi! My name is Sherry.
2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, & finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic & searched, & down into the basement. Then I went through every closet & checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, & finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack & died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer --- we'd both still be alive.

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If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.

With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1000.00..

With WorldCom, you would have less than $5.00 left.

If you had purchased $1000 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have $49.00 left.

But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer/wine one year ago, drank all the beer/wine, then turned in the cans/bottles for the aluminium recycling REFUND, you would now have $214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.


Let people you care about know this
and tell them to start now!







I care about you, so I am sending this mail.

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A cabbie picks up a Nun.

She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: 'I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.'

She answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have
been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'

'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'

She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single
and #2, you must be Catholic.'

The cab driver is very excited and says, 'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'

'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'

The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?'

'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.'

The nun says 'That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to Halloween party.'

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

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Four Worms and a lesson



A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol - Dead.



The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead



Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead



Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation -

What can you learn from this demonstration?

Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,



"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"

That pretty much ended the service --

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MESSAGE TO THE AUSTRALIAN PUBLIC

The federal government is sending each and every one of us a $600 rebate.

If we spend that money at K-Mart, the money will go to China.

If we spend it on petrol it will go to the Arabs, if we purchase a computer it will go to Taiwan,

If we purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honduras, and Guatemala,

If we purchase a good car it will go to Japan,

If we purchase useless crap it will go to Korea and none of it will help the Australian economy.

The only way to keep that money here at home is to spend it on prostitutes and beer, since these are the only products still produced in Australia.


Thank you for your help.

Kevin Rudd & Wayne Swan .
( Australian Prime Minister & Australian Treasurer)

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You know you're Australian if....

You know the meaning of 'girt'

You believe that stubbies can either be worn or drunk

You think it is normal to have a Prime Minister called Kevin

You waddle when you walk due to the 53 expired petrol discount vouchers stuffed in your wallet or purse

You've made a bong out of your garden hose rather than use it for something illegal such as watering the garden

When you hear that an American 'roots for his team' you wonder how often and with whom

You understand that the phrase 'a group of women wearing black thongs' refers to footwear and may be less alluring than it sounds

You pronounce Melbourne as 'Mel-bin'

You pronounce Penrith as 'Pen-riff'

You believe the 'L' in the word ' Australia ' is optional

You can translate: 'Dazza and Shazza played Acca Dacca on the way to Maccas'

You believe it makes perfect sense for a nation to decorate its highways with large fibreglass bananas, prawns and sheep

You call your best friend 'a total bastard' but someone you really, truly despise is just 'a bit of a bastard'

You think 'Woolloomooloo' is a perfectly reasonable name for a place

You believe is makes sense for a country to have a $1 coin that's twice as big as its $2 coin

You understand that 'Wagga Wagga' can be abbreviated to 'Wagga' but 'Woy Woy' can't be called 'Woy'

You believe that cooked-down axlegrease makes a good breakfast spread

You believe all famous Kiwis are actually Australian, until they stuff up, at which point they again become Kiwis

You know, whatever the tourist books say, that no one says 'cobber'

You know that certain words must, by law, be shouted out during any rendition of the Angels' song 'Am I Ever Gonna See Your Face Again'

You believe, as an article of faith, that the confectionary known as the Wagon Wheel has become smaller with every passing year

You still don't get why the 'Labor' in 'Australian Labor Party' is not spelt with a 'u'

You wear ugh boots outside the house

You believe that the more you shorten someone's name the more you like them

Whatever your linguistic skills, you find yourself able to order takeaway fluently in every Asian language

You understand that 'excuse me' can sound rude, while 'scuse me' is alway polite

You know what it's like to swallow a fly, on occasions via your nose

You understand that 'you' has a plural and that it's 'youse'

You know it's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to handle

You biggest family argument over the summer concerned the rules of beach cricket

You shake your head in horror when companies try to market what they call 'Anzac cookies'

You still think of Kylie as 'that girl off Neighbours'

When returning home from overseas, you expect to be brutally strip-searched by Customs - just in case you're trying to sneak in fruit

You believe the phrase 'smart casual' refers to a pair of black tracky-daks, suitably laundered

You understand that all train timetables are works of fiction

When working at a bar, you understand male customers will feel the need to offer an excuse whenever they order low-alcohol beer

You get choked up with emotion by the first verse of the national anthem and then have trouble remembering the second

You find yourself ignorant of nearly all the facts deemed essential in the government's new test for migrants.

You will immediately forward this list to other Australians, here and overseas, realising that only they will understand!!

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

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A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and
inform the other of the afterlife as their biggest fear was that there
was nothing at all when you die.

After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his
word he made contact,

'Mary. Mary.'

'Is that you, Fred?'

'Yes, I've come back like we agreed.'

'What's it like?'

'Well Mary, I get up in the morning, I have sex and then I have
breakfast. After, I go off to the golf course, I have sex, I bathe in
the sun for a while, and then I have sex twice. I have lunch, another
romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much all afternoon. After
supper, golf courses again, then its more sex until late at night. The
next day it starts again.'

'Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven.'









'NOT EXACTLY, I'M A RABBIT IN SUFFOLK.'

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The Nail -

Maggie, a blonde city girl, marries a New Zealand dairy farmer. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, farmer John says to Maggie, 'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'
So then the farmer leaves for the fields.

After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and
knocks on the front door.
Maggie takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one...right here.'

Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy blonde, the man asks, 'Tell me lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?'

That's simple. By the nail over its stall', Maggie explains very confidently .

Then the man asks, 'What's the nail for?'

She turns and walks away, and with complete confidence, says, 'I guess it's to hang your trousers on.'

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The Halfwit



A man owned a small farm in the south west of Qld.

The Department of Employment and Workplace Protection heard that he was not paying proper wages to his employees and sent an agent down to Interview him.

'I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,' demanded the Agent.



'Well,' replied the farmer, 'there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $400 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $450 per week plus free room and board. Then there's the halfwit who works about 18 hours a day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.'

'That's the guy I want to talk to --- the halfwit,' says the agent.

'That would be me,' replied the farmer.

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Blondes are not really that dumb.

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive

double-pane energy-efficient kind.

Yesterday, I got a call from the contractor who installed them.

He was complaining that the windows had been installed a whole year ago

And I hadn't paid for them yet.


Now just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.

So told him just exactly what his fast-talking sales guy had told ME last year, namely.

That in just ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!

"Helllooooo! !" (I told him). "It's been a year!"


There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up...he hasn't

called back, probably too embarrassed about forgetting the guarantee they made me.

Bet he won't underestimate my intelligence again.

[ntp Addicted PP Member Find all posts View Profile Close ntp]

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Looks like Jon is trying to give spara a run for his money here. :lol:

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A husband wrote the following letter for his wife and left it on the dining room table:

To My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you, and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter I hope you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18-year-old secretary at the Motel 6 Hotel. Please don't be upset - I shall be back home before midnight . When the man came home late that night he found the following letter on the dining room table:

To My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old and that I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you're at Motel 6 , I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach.. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, he is 18 years old. As a successful businessman with an excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation but with one small difference; 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.'

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Well done spara... reliable as ever! :wink: :lol:

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sorry been away for a while with work only get to log on every now and then...