[OT] Jokes page

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Bad day

Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided to the bartender, "I'm so pissed off !"

"Oh yeah? What happened?" asked the bartender politely.

"See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we were just about to make love when her god damned husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the ledge by my fingernails!"

"Gee, that's tough!" commiserated the bartender.

"Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated," the customer went on.

"When her husband came into the room he said, 'Hey great! You're naked already! Let me just take a leak.'

And damned if the lazy son of a bitch didn't piss out the window right onto my head?"

"Yeech!" the bartender shook his head. "No wonder you're in a lousy mood."

"Yeah, but I haven't told you what really, really got to me. Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished, the husband tossed his condom out of the window. And where does it land? My damned forehead!" "Damn, that really is a drag!" says the bartender. "Oh, I'm not finished. See what really pissed me off was when the husband had to take a dump. It turns out that their toilet is broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose right on my head !" The bartender paled. "That would sure mess up my day." "Yeah, yeah, yeah," the fellow rattled on, "but do you know what REALLY, REALLY, REALLY pissed me off? When I looked down and saw that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground!"

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The Theory of Intelligence
I don't think I've ever heard the concept explained better than this .



'Well you see, Norm, it's like this . . . A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the heard is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.'

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]

The following are results from an OZ-words Competition where entrants were asked to take an Australian word, alter it by one letter only, and supply a witty definition.

Clearly, you need to be an Aussie to understand.

Billabonk: to make passionate love beside a waterhole
Bludgie: a partner who doesn't work, but is kept as a pet
Dodgeridoo: a fake indigenous artefact
Fair drinkum: good-quality Aussie wine
Flatypus: a cat that has been run over by a vehicle
Mateshit: all your flat mate's belongings, lying strewn around the floor
Shagman: an unemployed male, roaming the Australian bush in search of sexual activity
Yabble: the unintelligible language of Australian freshwater crustaceans
Bushwanker: a pretentious drongo, who reckons he's above average when it comes to handling himself in the scrub
Crackie-daks: 'hipster' tracksuit pants.


And for the Kiwi's amongst us:
Shornbag: a particularly attractive sheep.

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When you have a "I Hate My Job" day try this:



On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer



section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson



Be very sure you get this brand..



Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favourite chair. Open

the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table

or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.



Now the fun part begins.



Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice

that in small print there is a statement:



'Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested

and then sanitized. '



Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,' I am so glad I do not

work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson.'





HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT

IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE ARSE THAN YOURS!

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WOMEN'S REVENGE



"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.



As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.



"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.



"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me,



And I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."



UNDERSTANDING WOMEN





(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)



I know I'm not going to understand women.



I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,



Pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,



And still be afraid of a spider.



CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS



A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.



The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.



He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.



She directs him down the correct aisle.



A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.



She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?



He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store



To get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco



And some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.



So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... So does she.



(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)





WIFE VS. HUSBAND





A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.



An earlier discussion had led to an argument and



Neither of them wanted to concede their position.



As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,



The husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"



"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."





WORDS



A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...



30,000 to a man's 15,000.



The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...



The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"



CREATION



A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be



So stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.



"The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.



God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;



God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!



WHO DOES WHAT



A man and his wife were having an argument about who



Should brew the coffee each morning.



The wife said, "You should do it because you get up first,



And then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.



The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and



You should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."



Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."



Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."



So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says . "HEBREWS"



The Silent Treatment



A man and his wife were having some problems at home



And were giving each other the silent treatment.



Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him



at 5:0 0 AM for an early morning business flight.



Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,



"Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.



The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him,



when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.



The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."



Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.



God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece

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The spoon:

A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization.




Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.




It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.




Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'




'Well, 'he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently

dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.




If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'




As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.' I was impressed.




I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.




Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'




'Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom.




By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.




I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'




'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'

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A judge asks a defendant to please stand. "You are charged with murdering a garbage man with a chain saw."

From the back of the courtroom a man shouts, "You lying bastard!"

"Silence in the court!" The judge turns to the defendant again and says, "You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel."

"You tightwad!" blurts the spectator.

"Quiet!" yelled the judge. "You are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill."

"You cheap son of a... " the spectator starts to shout.

The judge thunders back, " I will hold you in contempt! What is the reason for your outbursts?"

"I've lived next to that lying bastard for 10 years now, but do you think he ever had a tool when I needed to borrow one?"

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A man walks into a pharmacy and tells the salesgirl that he's looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him to the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls on the counter.

She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for tampons for your wife?"

"You see, it's like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came home with a tin of tobacco and some rolling paper. So, I figure, if I have to roll my own, so does she."

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Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her
ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men.

He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the
ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.


The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could
relieve your pain if you'd allow me,' she told him.


'Nooo, no, I'll be all right. Just give me a few minutes,' the man
gasped. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently
took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her
hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and
asked, 'How does that feel?'


He replied, 'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.'

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LOST IN THE DARNDEST PLACES:
> >
> > An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car
> > has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to
> > the dispatcher: 'They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the
> > brake pedal and even the accelerator!' she cried.
> >
> > The dispatcher said, 'Stay calm. An officer is on the way.'
> >
> > A few minutes later, the officer radios in. 'Disregard.' He says. 'She
> > got in the back-seat by mistake.'
> > __________________________________________________ __________________
> >
> > FAMILY
> >
> > Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night
> > the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells
> > to the other sisters, 'Was I getting in or out of the bath?'
> > The 94-year-old yells back, 'I don't know. I'll come up and see.' She
> > starts up the stairs and pauses 'Was I going up the stairs or down?'
> > The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to
> > her sisters. She shakes her head and says, 'I sure hope I never get that
> > forgetful, knock on wood.' She then yells, 'I'll come up and help both
> > of you as soon as I see who's at the door.'
> > __________________________________________
> > 'I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!'
> >
> > Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine
> > March day. One remarked to the other, 'Windy, isn't it?'
> >
> > 'No,' the second man replied, 'it's Thursday.'
> >
> > And the third man chimed in, 'So am I. Let's have a beer.'
> > __________________________________________________ _________________
> > OLD FRIENDS:
> >
> > Now this one is just too Precious...!
> >
> > Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years,
> > they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their
> > activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
> > One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said,
> > 'Now don't get mad at me . I know we've been friends for a long time,
> > but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I
> > can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is'
> >
> > Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and
> > glared at her. Finally she said, 'How soon do you need to know?'
> > __________________________________________________ ______
> > SENIOR DRIVING
> >
> > As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
> > Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, 'Herman, I
> > just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on
> > Interstate 77. Please be careful!'
> >
> > 'Heck,' said Herman, 'It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!'
> > __________________________________________________ ________________
> > DRIVING
> >
> > Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely
> > see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an
> > intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through The
> > woman in the passenger seat thought to herself 'I must be losing it. I
> > could have sworn we just went through a red light.' After a few more
> > minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again.
> > Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was
> > almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that
> > she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection,
> > sure enough, the light was red and they went on through... So, she
> > turned to the other woman and said, 'Mildred, did you know that we just
> > ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!'
> >
> >
> > Mildred turned to her and said, 'Oh, dear, am I driving ?'

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After being married for 30 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 30 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old gal."

"Now I have a $500,000 house, $45,000 car, nice big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 55 year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year-old gal, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve your mid-life crisis.

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Three men died on Christmas Eve & were met by St. Peter at the pearly gates. "In honour of the holy season" St Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets & pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle" he said. "You may pass through the pearly gates", St Peter replied.

The second man searched through his pockets & pulled out a set of keys. He shook them & said, "They are bells". St Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates".

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets & finally pulled out a pair of women’s panties.

St Peter looked at the man with raised eyebrows and asked, "And just what do they symbolize?"

The man replied, "These are Carols."

And so the Christmas season begins................

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PONDERISMS


I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Never take life seriously Nobody gets out alive anyway.

There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

Life is sexually transmitted.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?'

Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt.

'Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle

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Joe was a successful lawyer but he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his career and love life started to suffer, he sought
medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across an old country doctor who solved the problem.
"The good news is that I can cure your headaches.The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your
testicles to press up against the base of your spine, and the pressure creates a terrible headache. The only way to relieve the condition is to
remove your testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered whether he had anything to live for. He couldn't even concentrate long enough to answer his own question, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital after the surgery he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he also felt like he was missing an
important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live
a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought:
"That's what I need ... a new suit." He entered the shop and told the
salesman, "I'd like a new suit", and picked one out.
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see ... size 44 long."
Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years," said the gent.
Joe tried on the suit and it fit him perfectly.
As Joe admired himself, the salesman said, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment then said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Joe, and said, "34 sleeve and a 16 1/2 neck."
Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years," noted the gent.
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.
As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman said, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Joe's feet, and said, "Let's see 9-1/2 E."
Joe was astonished, "How did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years," replied the gent.
Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably
around the shop and the salesman said,"How about some new underwear?"
Joe thought for a second, and said, "Sure."
The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see ... size 36."
Joe laughed, "Ah ha. I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear size 34. Size 34 underwear would press your testicles up against your spine and give you one heck of
a headache!"

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Re: [OT] Jokes page

Dear Wishee ,

Holiday Greetings .

I wanted to send some sort of holiday greeting to my friends and
colleagues , but it is difficult in today's world to know exactly what to
say without offending someone . So I met with my lawyer yesterday , and on
her advice I wish to say the following :


Please accept with no obligation , implied or implicit , my best wishes
for an environmentally conscious , socially responsible ,low stress , non
addictive , gender neutral celebration of the summer solstice holiday
practiced with the most enjoyable traditions of religious persuasion or
secular practices of your choice with respect for the religious / secular
persuasions and / or traditions of others , or their choice not to
practice religious or secular traditions at all .


I also wish you a fiscally successful , personally fulfilling and
medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted
calendar year , 2009 , but not without due respect for the calendar of
choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make
our country great ( not to imply that Australia is necessarily greater
than any other country ) and without regard to the race , creed , colour ,
age , physical ability , religious faith or sexual preference of the
wishee .


By accepting this greeting , you are accepting these terms :


This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal . It is freely
transferable with no alteration to the original greeting . It implies no
promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her /
him or others and is void where prohibited by law , and is revocable at
the sole discretion of the wisher . The wish is warranted to perform as
expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one
year or until the issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the
wisher .


Best Regards ( without prejudice )


Name withheld ( Privacy Act ).

Cheers