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spara · 07-01-2009, 10:13 PM

Re: [OT] Jokes page

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too'......

And that's how the fight started.....

************************************************** **********************

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.

The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....

************************************************** **********************

My wife walked into the den & asked "Whats on the tv?"

I replied "Dust".

And that's how the fight started.....

************************************************** **********************

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And that's how the fight started.....

************************************************** **********************

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.

'I bought her a scale.

And that's how the fight started.....

************************************************** **********************

I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.

'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.

So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'

And that's when the fight started....

************************************************** **********************

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we werein bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'

'No,' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'

So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'

And that's when the fight started....

************************************************** *********************

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive. So, I took her to a gas station.

And that's when the fight started.....

************************************************** **********************

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And that's when the fight started.....

************************************************** **********************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many

years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife. 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And that's when the fight started.....

************************************************** ************

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it. He was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And that's when the fight started.....

************************************************** **********************

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'

He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'

Nah, she can order for herself.'

And that's when the fight started.....

Chippy · 08-01-2009, 08:09 AM

Re: [OT] Jokes page

A Catholic priest, a Baptist preacher, and a rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette . They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experience.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. 'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he claimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus.'

The priest and the reverend both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.

The Rabbi looked up and said, 'Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start.'

Jon · 08-01-2009, 06:30 PM

Re: [OT] Jokes page

Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70 and beyond!

01. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

02. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

03. No one expects you to run--anywhere.

04. People call at 9 pm and ask, did I wake you?

05. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

06. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

07. Things you buy now won't wear out .

08. You can eat supper at 4 pm.

09. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

15.
Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather
service.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them
either.

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

19. You can't remember who sent you this list.

And you notice these are all in Big Print for your
convenience.

Forward this to every one you can remember right now!

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same
night.

Jon · 09-01-2009, 04:38 PM

Re: [OT] Jokes page

Catholic or not you have to laugh at this one.

A Catholic priest and a nun were taking a rare afternoon off and enjoying a round of golf.

The priest stepped up to the first tee and took a mighty swing. He missed the ball entirely and said "Shit, I missed."

The good Sister told him to watch his language.

On his next swing, he missed again. "Shit, I missed."

"Father, I'm not going to play with you if you keep swearing," the nun said tartly..

The priest promised to do better and the round continued.

On the 4th tee, he misses again. The usual comment followed.

Sister is really mad now and says, "Father John, God is going to strike you dead if you keep swearing like that."

On the next tee, Father John swings and misses again. "Shit, I missed."

A terrible rumble is heard and a gigantic bolt of lightning comes out of the sky and strikes Sister Marie dead in her tracks.

And from the sky comes a booming voice .......

?
"Shit, I missed."

Jon · 09-01-2009, 04:39 PM

Re: [OT] Jokes page

Judge Judy to prostitute, 'So when did you realize you were raped?'

Prostitute, wiping away tears: 'When the check bounced.

Dobbo · 10-01-2009, 09:16 AM

Re: [OT] Jokes page

Here's one for those old enough to remember the tv show Mcloud featuring the horse riding copper played by Dennis Weaver.

The rolling Stones were doing a concert in New York and at the end of the evening retired to their hotel for a party and then a well earned sleep.
Poor old Mick was feeling a bit tired and went to bed early but was kept awake by the continual sqeaking bed noises and cries of passion coming from the room next to his, which was occupied by the actor Dennis Weaver who was also in town.
At 3 in the morning Mick had had enough so he charged into the next room which was unlocked and straight into the bedroom where he found Keith Richards in a compromising position with Dennis.

Mick pointed at Keith and said "Hey you, get offa Mcloud"

spara · 12-01-2009, 11:08 PM

Re: [OT] Jokes page

A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place. A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. He then takes off his trousers and washes his hands again.

The girl has been watching him and says, 'You must be a dentist.'

The guy, surprised, says 'Yes....how did you figure that out?'

'Easy,' she replied, 'you keep washing your hands.'

One thing led to another and they make love. After they are done, the girl says, 'You must be a good dentist.'

The guy, now with a boosted ego says, 'Sure, I'm a good dentist, how did you figure that out?'

'Didn't feel a thing!'

Jon · 13-01-2009, 04:09 PM

Re: [OT] Jokes page

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and
>
> Was taken to the hospital.
>
> While on the operating table she had a near
>
> Death experience.
>
> Seeing God she asked 'Is my time up?'
>
> God said, 'No, you have another 43 years,
>
> 2 months and 8 days to live.'
>
> Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay
>
> In the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction,
>
> Breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even
>
> Had someone come in and change her hair colour
>
> And brighten her teeth! Since she had so much
>
> More time to live, she figured she might as well
>
> Make the most of it.
>
> After her last operation, she was released from
>
> The hospital. While crossing the street on her way
>
> Home, she was killed by an ambulance.
>
> Arriving in front of God, she said 'I thought
>
> You said I had another 43 years? Why didn't
>
> You pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?'

>
> (You'll love this)
>
> God replied: 'I didn't bloody recognize you.'

Jon · 13-01-2009, 05:46 PM

Re: [OT] Jokes page

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms
and no Legs.
Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor
man.
The first woman said 'Have you ever had a hug?'
The man said 'No,' so she gave him a hug and walked
on.
The second woman said, 'Have you ever had a kiss?'
The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a kiss and
walked on.
The third woman came to him and said, 'Have you ever
been screwed?'
The fellow's eyes lit up and with a big grin he said, 'No.'

She said, 'You will be when the tide comes in.'

spara · 14-01-2009, 09:23 PM

Re: [OT] Jokes page

> Summary of Life

> GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

> 1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
> 2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
> 3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
> 4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
> 5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
> 6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
> 7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
> 8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
> 9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
> 10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

> GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
> 1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
> 2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
> 3) Families are like fudge� mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
> 4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
> 5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
> 6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.

> GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
> 1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
> 2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
> 3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
> 4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
> 5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
> 6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
> 7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

> THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
> 1) You believe in Santa Claus.
> 2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
> 3) You are Santa Claus.
> 4) You look like Santa Claus.

> SUCCESS:
> At age 4 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.
> At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
> At age 17 success is . having a drivers license.
> At age 35 success is . . having money.
> At age 50 success is . . having money.
> At age 70 success is . ..having a drivers license.
> At age 75 success is . . having friends.
> At age 80 success is . . not piddling in your pants.

Jon · 19-01-2009, 05:21 PM

Re: [OT] Jokes page

Comments made in the year 1955!
That's only 53 years ago!

'I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's going to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $20.00.

'Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long before $2,000.00 will only buy a used one.

'If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. 25 cents a pack is ridiculous.

'Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging 10 cents just to mail a letter

'If they raise the minimum wage to $1.00, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store.

'When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage.

'I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying DAMN in GONE WITH THE WIND, it seems every new movie has either HELL or DAMN in it.

'I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas ....

'Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the President.

'I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now.

'It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet.

'It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work.

'I'm afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business.

'Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to government.

'The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on.

'There is no sense going on short trips anymore for a weekend, it costs nearly $15.00 a night to stay in a hotel.

'No one can afford to be sick anymore, at $35.00 a day in the hospital, it's too rich for my blood.'

'If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it.'

QUICKY · 20-01-2009, 02:12 PM

Re: [OT] Jokes page

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin , orders three pints of Guinness
and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one inturn.
When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders three
More. The bartender says to him, 'You know, a pint goes flat after I
draw it; It would taste better if you bought one at a time.'

The Irishman replies, 'Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in
America , the other in Australia , and I'm here in Dublin ..
When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way
to remember the days we all drank together.'

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the sameway:
he orders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking drinks from each of them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars' in the bar notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says,
'I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer mycondolences on your great loss.'

The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then the light dawns in his eye and he laughs.

'Oh, no,' he says, 'Everyone is fine. It's me........I've quit drinking!'

Jon · 20-01-2009, 05:59 PM

Re: [OT] Jokes page

HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM WHEN ON A BUDGET

1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16
work boots.

2. Place them on your front porch, along with several empty beer cans, a
copy of Guns & Ammo magazine and several NRA magazines.

3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazine.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

'Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke and Slim, I went to the gun shop for more
ammunition. Back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls - they
attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't
think Killer took part in it, but it was hard to tell from all the
blood.

PS - I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside.'

INSTALLATION COMPLETE!

Jon · 21-01-2009, 04:19 PM

Re: [OT] Jokes page

Substitute New Zealand for Welsh if you live in Australia

-Subject: Welsh Shepherd

> A Welsh hill farmer buys several sheep, hoping to breed them all for
> wool.
> After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting
> pregnant, and phones a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try
> artificial insemination. The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what
> this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet
> how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that
> they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in
> the grass when they are pregnant. The man hangs up and gives it some
> thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means
> he has to impregnate the
> sheep himself. So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them
> out into the woods, has sex with them all, then brings them back and
> goes to bed.
>
> Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are
> all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take,
> and loads them in the Land Rover again. He drives them out to the woods,
> bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to
> bed exhausted.
>
> Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around."Try
> again" he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them
> out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and upon
> returning home, falls listlessly into bed.
>
> The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out
> of the window. He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are
> lying in the grass.
>
> "No," she says, "they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is
> beeping the horn"

spara · 22-01-2009, 08:35 PM

Re: [OT] Jokes page

GOOD
A cop from the NZ Police was watching for speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem- a 12-year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read 'RADAR TRAP AHEAD.' The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading 'TIPS' and a bucket full of money. (And we used to just mow lawns!)

BETTER
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar post in the Manawatu with a Fine of $160 included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $160.
The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.

BEST
A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As a NZ Policeman walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, 'I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Policemen's Ball.'
He replied, 'New Zealand Policemen don't have balls.' There was a moment of silence while she smiled and he realised what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left.
She was laughing too hard to start her car.